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I need some reconnecting ideas/ thoughts?

 
 
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 06:52 pm
I need some ideas on reconnecting and how to? Does a phonecall count, is it meaningfull? My mind is stuck. Im trying to make up loss time between me and me dad. He has been trying to reach out to me for seven years now and i have been ignoring him and taken him out of my life. Im much older and i realize how stupid i was reacting! I think its my turn to reach out to him. The reason i shut him out was because he left my mom and me for another guy, which back then i was so angry at him for embarrassing me. I still think he should of not left and waited untill i was 18 to turn gay. How was a kid supposed to react. Honestly im still hurt, but im willing to try to over look it. So i was thinking i should send him a card, mabey even a email? I think i should also make amends with his boyfreind.? Any reconnecting ideas?
 
sozobe
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 07:25 pm
@smileyfrown17,
Probably you can just say most of the above. You might want to leave out the "turn gay" part. (In all likelihood, he's been gay his whole life and in an attempt to pass as straight he married your mom, and was able to keep up the charade for a while but not until you were 18.)

I think a phone call can be fine to start with.
jcboy
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 07:36 pm
@smileyfrown17,
He’s the same person now as he was when you knew him and he will always be your one and only father, don’t waste anymore time, call him.

You may or may not like his boyfriend and that’s okay but don’t dislike him because he loves your father.
0 Replies
 
Green Witch
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 07:50 pm
@smileyfrown17,
I think he will be thrilled to hear from you and you should call him as soon as possible. Just tell him you would like to have lunch and make up for some lost time. He probably has a lot he would like to say to you too.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 08:11 pm
@smileyfrown17,
I tend to get to emotional over the phone so I'd write a letter, kind of like the one you've written here. I'm betting that he'll be very receptive to it.

Good for you and good luck to you! Don't waste any more time.

0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 08:20 pm
@smileyfrown17,
I would go with a short letter, or maybe a phone call. I favor the letter just because he might need a few moments to get orientated.
0 Replies
 
smileyfrown17
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 08:32 pm
@sozobe,
I dont think he was his whole life, him and my mom use to love each other. But Do you think giving him a visit at his house will be to forward?
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 08:36 pm
@smileyfrown17,
That's probably a bit much to start with, yeah. A letter or phone call, whichever is more comfortable for you, would probably be a better place to start.

Even email. The point is to get the ball rolling. (But keep a little distance right at the beginning, let him meet you halfway.)

He might be bi or he might have just been deep in the closet. It's not that uncommon for gay men to marry and really love their wives, even though they are in fact gay. (Becoming less common now that being gay is becoming more accepted, thankfully.)

But my point is more that saying that he "turned gay" is likely to get things adversarial right off the bat. Might be better to start a little more neutral and then as you get closer again, you can bring up things like that.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 08:42 pm
@smileyfrown17,
Do you have an email address for your father?

That might be the easiest way to make an initial contact.

He obviously knows that you've been upset with him, so you've both got some work to do to get comfortable with each other.

Just start out by letting him know that you are interested in talking. I don't think anyone could expect things to go easily at first.

Does your mother know that you are planning to reach out to your father? It's something you probably want to talk to her about.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 09:15 pm
Well, I am from the old school who thinks the adult should make the first move.

He left you and your mom for a lover (forget that it was another man for a bit, he still left you.) He has some explaining to do.

Write or call and tell him you understand that he would like to connect with you. Then let him make the when and where arrangements.

Don't feel that you need to make any move at all. Let the "adult" take the first step.


roger
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Feb, 2012 10:33 pm
@PUNKEY,
Well, you might just have to wait a bit for that first move, from the looks of the previous statements. Sounds like no move is forthcoming.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  4  
Reply Thu 1 Mar, 2012 07:24 am
@PUNKEY,
It looks like the first, second, third etc. move were already made by the father, but rejected.

Quote:
He has been trying to reach out to me for seven years now and i have been ignoring him


The poster could just wait for yet another overture, if seven year's worth haven't worked yet though his dad won't necessarily continue. Going ahead and responding now that he (smileyfrown17) feels ready seems quite appropriate to me.
0 Replies
 
 

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