Need help to stop loosing in love

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Hi Guys

This is new to me and I hope there is someone out there that can offer advice and help. You see I keep loosing in love. I am fed up with it.
I have been pretty much single for the past three years up until about 5 months ago. I had had a few dates with guys but they always said they weren't looking for a relationship. I am an attractive woman, I know I have a good personality and am warm and caring. I have learnt to not be needy even though obviously I do want a relationship and don't seem to have any problems pulling blokes any more- fingers crossed cause I am single again. Anyway, about 5 months ago I went out with an ex for a while (we had split up a few years ago and we hadn't dated for long) anyway I found out he wasn't interested in a monogomous relationship with me this time, just sex so we split. About this time I met a man, it was one of those eyes meeting across a crowded room moments and we DID stay up all night talking.
We got on so well and had great fun toghether, he said we were made for each other, he talked about our future togther. I fell for him quickly, he was honest and kind and caring and seemed to really llike me. I had trust issues and we worked through them. He is different to any man I have met before. Hadn't had much luck in love himself, I have to admit I was concerned that he was 40 and had never been in a serious long term relationship but he put this down to not having many girlfriends (chinese computer geek) anyway, he came home after xmas and had to work a lot, I guess he had a lot on his mind. He wasn't spending any quality time with me, he was either too tired, his back was sore or we were out on the town. I felt like I was doing all the giving, all the compromising. I pulled him about it a couple of days ago and he admited it we agreed that that day we would spend the rest of that day togther. 5 mins later he was asking me would I go home later. I saw red. Got up and left. I came back and he tried to hug me but I was so angry. He said he was stupid, I called him a name and told him I couldn't do it anymore. He looked upset. I got my stuff and left. I was upset too and he could see this. I felt like I had no choice. Later after talking to a friend I thought it would be better if we could try to work it out. I knew I didn't want to split up. I called him, we talked, he agreed we should of had a proper date once a week I thought we were getting some where but he said he couldn't do it. I told him I didn't want to split up so he said we should take a break. I was upset and didn't go to work the next day. I sent him an email telling him how much I loved him, that I understood he had a lot on his plate but I would rather be his girlfriend than friend. He said he couldn't do it anymore. I went to see him cause I thought seeing me might melt him but he said he couldn't handle emotional problems and didn't want to be with me. He wasn't capable of giving me the TLC I needed. I don't think this was a problem before he went away but he said he felt like he was making an effort then. I am not overly immature, I know my world will not end but I am fed up with love, I have had plenty of disasterous relationships. Been hurt quite a few times. This time I really believed I could trust him with my heart, I thought he was special and there was a good chance we could make it work. I am gobsmacked! Is he a comitmentphob? Why did he fool me if he is? He nearly proposed to a girl once but she was unwilling to spend quality time with him then. He isn't a b***tard, a liar or a cheat. He doesn't sleep around. He is kind and caring. Why? Why now? Why has this happened again? What am I doing wrong? Because it is me when I keep getting hurt. I don't want to be a closed person or a bitch, I don't want to play mind games. Can I get him back- I have just ordered a book about this. If I can't what should I do to stop this happening again- assuming I go down that road again. If I can try to get him back- how? I don't want to manipulate him. He's already said I am the best girlfirend he has ever had. And jeese! I really DO love him. Ouch!

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I believe two partners in love must share some common territory - if you are willing to learn to play chess so you can spend time with him, and he's willing to take dancing lessons to spend time with you, well that's what I mean.

No advice - just my experience.

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Hi
Thanks for the reply, maybe its because I am tired but what exactly do you mean? I don't think he is willing to spend time with me anymore.
Have you ever lost anyone you loved and then got them back?

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Hello,

I 'almost' did, but the getting back for me included thinking about why I love her and why she loves me. Wanting to spend time together wasn't enough, I had to think about why and consider the circumstances of her life, why she behaves like she does, and who am I to judge it. I understood I cannot demand a change, I can only change myself. I wanted to just be with her, but she needed something more focused, and the last thing I wanted to do was think that it's always me who commits.-

You can always take a short break, I believe, and think about it. Don't panic!
(and good night for today)

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Thanks relative. Think I know what u mean. Don't care how, what, when or where, just want to be with him but its gotta be the same for him. Nite Nite

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Has anyone else some helpful or hopeful words? They would be much apreciated

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Don't read that book that you ordered. In my experience, women who read the books and magazine articles are so afraid of getting it wrong that they forget to be themselves.

You will find your love, just later than some. Hang in there.

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Yeah, Im not gonna get too hung up on following rules but I could use some pointers on avoiding liars, cheats, comitmentphobes and messing things up myself. The books are "How to Get Your Lover Back", "Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks You", "He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships and "What Men Don't Want Women to Know: The Secrets, the Lies, the Unspoken Truth. I'll take them all with a pinch of salt anyway it was the money I was going to buy him a valentine present with. Smile

And I might not even get round to reading them all the way through - gonna have some fun with my buddies and go to the gym loads.

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Enjoy your freedom.

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Bitter sweet freedom. I'd rather be his caged love bird than a lonely eagle. Smile

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Perhaps freedom is best taken a little at a time. They say that instututionalized people like the feeling that they get when being bossed around and held captive.

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Yeah thanks Individual, you see I've done the whole freedom thing, and well in the words of the eagles "Freedom, thats just some people talking, your prison is walking through this world all alone" (Desperado)
I like me for who I am (most of the time), I enjoy being by myself (but not all the time) now I want to share my life with someone, ready, willing and able. Not willing to settle for second best but I was hoping I'd found him. I am just putting on a brave face hoping we'll get back together and knowing if we don't I'll live. Crying or Very sad

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Well, whatever choices you make I'll be right behind you.

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Thanks Individual, I think I'll have a bananna or two. Then set about getting on with it till he calls. Not that I'll be waiting for him to call. I just know he will eventually, might just be to be friends but it will be a start. I of course might have mooooved on. We'll see. Just hope it doesn't take too long to work itself out. Its good to have people to talk too and for them to throw in ideas when you can't see further than your own nose.
Someone once told me "If you love someone set them free, If they love you they will come back and if they don't it wasn't meant to be" Question

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LL - Relax and let it happen.

Every time I've chased a girl, I've been lonely. When I didn't want it, didn't chase it, didn't expect it, it fell into my lap.

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Loveloser wrote:

Bitter sweet freedom. I'd rather be his caged love bird than a lonely eagle.

Are you kidding me? I'm single, no prospects in sight, not exactly enjoying it, but I'd rather be alone any day than in a relationship that doesn't work.

No offense, but from what you described, I think you scared him off. You got angry with him when you were together and said you "couldn't do it anymore". Then you contact him, talk, he has second thoughts. You get upset and practically beg the guy to be back in your life. (The e-mail you sent telling him you loved him.) Then he backs away further. Can you see how he might view this? You went hot and cold on him. (At least it seemed that way to me based on your post.) I think his fear is that he doesn't want to be involved with someone on an emotional rollercoaster. That may not be who you are, but that might be how he is seeing you right now.

It almost sounds like things are done with him. I'm no love expert, but maybe you could tell him that you agree to taking a break from each other and that your "door" is always open should he change his mind. The trick after that is to not pine for the guy. Don't let the fact he isn't in your life dictate how you live your life.

For me, I kept saying to myself that if he was meant for me, he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. It helped me get over him. I think it would be great to meet my "soul mate" and be swept off my feet, yada, yada, yada. But I'm not going to wait for that to happen. I think I'd rather have a guy in my life who was a friend first, with romance developing along the way.

You sound kind of like I did not that terribly long ago....in love with the idea of love. Could that be the case with you?

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[/QUOTE]Thanks relative. Think I know what u mean. Don't care how, what, when or where, just want to be with him but its gotta be the same for him.

Quote:

Well not just that - I say it *wasn't* enough just to want to be with her.
I had to find understanding for her actions and feelings, as well as mine.
I needed the why's and believe in them. I had to discover why I want to be with her and understand that and then be based on this and not run into contradictions.

Cheers,
Relative

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Caprice-Dur! did you read the last bit. You sound like me two years ago. I would rather be single than be in a relationship that wasn't right for me but I would rather try to work things through and over come problems if that person was special to me. I would also rather get out there, have lots of fun and keep an open mind to what is round the corner at least that is what I have learnt works better.
It was not like I had never told him how I felt before AND it is not a rollercoaster of emotions because this was our only real fight/ argument. Unless you count the time I went on the pill at his request and spent 2hrs crying due to it not agreeing with me. he said he couldn't deal with emotions period. It was not me blowing hot and cold as it wasn't that kind of situation. YES I shouldn't have been so hasty and YES I shouldn't have pushed the issue with him just agreed to a break. He had been behaving that way for weeks being hot and cold himself weither it was cause he wanted me to instigate us splitting up or just had a lot of stuff on his mind remains to be seen or maybe there is something wrong there with him that he can't get close to someone after all he is a 40 year old batchelor.
Shoot me for being a romantic but I am not in love with love. It's nice but the personality compatabilty is more important.
And I am not going to be pining after him as I have said.

Relative- sound like there was a lot going on. I hope I have the chance to understand his actions and motives better. Good luck I hope it worked/ works out for you. How did it go if that isn't too personal/ long story?

Turner- Yeah I just need to relax and chill. Let it all work its self through what ever it may be. Cheers babes.

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I don't think you scared him off. I think he was scared to begin with. And don't take it personally, because he's done this with every single woman he's ever been with. And if you're "the best girlfriend he's ever had" and he can't bring himself to spend time with you, well, he's has an odd definition of "best".

People who want to be with you are with you. It really is as simple as that. Don't waste another minute on it, because everyone of them is wasted on this guy.

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Yeah, sugar. I think he was scared to begin with. But of what exactly and why exactly. No worries, I hope we get to be friends and I get the chance to discover what it really is. Then again, time is a funny thing, maybe it wont matter to me anymore. Have to say I am not relishing the next week or so- you know, the withdrawl from not being round the person. Getting on with things. Guess the best way to do it is to just keep busy and try not to think about him too much. Then again maybe I should be thinking about what went wrong on my part so I can either fix it given the chance or not do it with the next person.
I don't think it was a case of him not being able to bring himself to spend time with me, I think he is too caught up in his work at the moment, if he doesn't get it to work could be a bad for their business. He told me he was constantly thinking about it.

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Need help to stop loosing in love

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