A string of jokes

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's
no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?




DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone...
"Top of the morning to you!"
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".


CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."


BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like A young
girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old
he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"


SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to
zip down."


PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when
her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him
in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards