My boyfriend is going abroad and I need advice how to handle the situation.

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. I am a little older than him, 25 and working in the "real world", and he is 22 and still finishing up school. Even though the chronological age difference isn't that significant...the emotional age difference between a 22 years old guy and 25 year old girl is pretty noticeable at times. I am in love with him and he is in love with me...that is what he says (and I've always believed him, because he seems all about me and is the sweetest guy I have ever dated...always telling me how he feels, etc). Well, he is studying abroad in Europe this semester and leaves in a week and will be there til May. Then he got an awesome internship that will take him to San Francisco for the summer (the length hasn't been decided yet...minimum of 6 weeks, but could be June-August). He has decided he wants to take a break for this time since it could potentially be 8 months he is away. I was not decided what I wanted to do, but I guess I don't have a choice in the matter anymore. I am not going to force him to be with me and do long distance. I know long distance is hard, but he says he wants to be with me and everything to go back to normal when he is back because he "loves me" and wants me to come visit while he is there. I guess my hesitation is that he is so adamant on wanting to not be together, that I feel the only reason is because he wants to see other girls and have fun being single while he's over there. Which to a point, I understand. I lived abroad for 8 months when I was single and definitely think being single was more fun than if I had someone back at home. Of course, he doesn't admit this and says he loves me and "couldn't really imagine wanting to hook up with other girls". He wants to take a break because he doesn't want to put "pressure on the relationship" and because not seeing eachother that whole time while dating will be so hard (My hold up there is, even if we break up it is still going to be hard...I will still miss him...so how does breaking up solve that?). Well, if thats the case, and we are planning on still talking and me coming over for a visit, then what is the point of breaking up? So, I am totally confused on the situation...sad because he is leaving and hurt because he wants to break up for this time. I told him that he can't decide to take this break and then fully expect things to go back to normal when he gets back...things might have changed or I might not be able to get over things he did while over there. I guess I'd rather him say he wants to take a break and do what he wants, rather than stay with me and still do whatever he wants over there and cheat on me. My holdup is...how do I handle the situation. Do I let him go over there and be single and do what he wants, but still keep in touch with him? Do I still visit him? Or should this be an all or nothing situation...it might be hard to talk on a regular basis while not being together...so maybe while he is over there we should really take a break and not talk and me not visit and see what happens. I know people say "whats meant to be will be", etc, etc... I just want to hear other people's opinions on the situation and how others would handle this.

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[+3] - jespah - 12/07/2015Either get married or otherwise commit and go along, or let him go. Don't tie yourself down for four years to someone with whom you do not have a stated commitment.

How about a "not exclusive" clause in the relationship?

That frees both of you up, but keeps the door open for visits.

PS - yes, your age and maturity levels are of importance.

I have a feeling that you already know the outcome of this long separation.

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@sartois622,

Can you handle breaking up (over which you really don't have much choice) and staying friends? When he is in town, you can visit as friends, not date as on-again off-again lovers. If he ends up coming back to town then great, you can see where it goes from there but right now it sounds like you are done for the time being.

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@PUNKEY,

Maybe I am being immature (ironic since I'm the older one), but I just don't want him to be able to "have his cake and eat it to"...be over there doing whatever he wants, but still has me to talk to and come visit and act like everything is normal.

In addition, I am not sure how smart that would be. Keeping communication but being able to do whatever we want...when you are talking to the other person always wondering if they were with someone last night. Maybe ever bringing it up and picking fights over it. (I have trust issues if you can't tell!)

And, yes...I am afraid I do know where this is probably going which makes it so hard.

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@engineer,

I kind of answered that in my reply above...I don't know how the whole "friends" thing would work. The things is, he will be back for good after he does the internship. He still has another semester or 2 of school left. (Yes, I will be almost 27 when he graduates...a whole other issue) And he constantly talks about how we should move to San Francisco together once he graduates...hoping that the internship goes good and offers him a job once he is done with school. It's just messing with my mind how he could one minute be talking about taking a break starting in a week...but then the next thing I know he is talking about moving across the country together and inviting me on his family's annual ski vacation next winter.

I want him to have a good time and wonderful experience...it just sucks that he feels he can't do that while still being with me. I wish I would just understand his logic of why he thinks separation is the best.

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@sartois622,

Whether or not you stay together as a couple, things will be completely different while he is away AND when he returns.

If you value him as a friend, not simply as a boyfriend (yes, I think friendship is the important piece of it), consider maintaining things as a friend.

Don't worry about the language that is used.

~~~

No one knows for sure if he will be back after the internship. Things change.

Decide if he means something to you as a friend or if value comes through the 'boyfriend' title.

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sartosis - I am getting the idea that you think you will put your life on "hold" while he's out there sowing his wild oats.

Don't forget that YOU will also be free and will be able to "have your cake and eat it too."

He is so happy because he is young and thinks everything is an adventure.

Let him go, wish him well, and see what the future brings.

Don't make any plans except one day at a time. Use this time to explore your surroundings, travel and meet lots of people.

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@PUNKEY,

Tying him down isn't useful, even if it seems so at the time. You are actually both young, he much younger. Let him be, without making him promise you stuff. Let him go.

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@sartois622,

We meet people in life for different reasons, there is no crystal ball as to if you two will live happily ever after.

6 months is still "lust" stages and getting to know each other.

22 is young and he needs to experience "life" he may change dramatically living abroad and being a different person, experiencing different things than he is used to.

If you had said a couple of years together I'd be telling you to walk and not look back, because at that stage, you should know if this is a person you want to commit to and be with for a long time, hopefully til the end of time.

6 months though creates un-certainty even on your behalf. You do not know that in the back of his mind, he is thinking that... 6 months, she's 25, more mature will probably meet someone else her age, who is working.. You state "working" means you are in the real world, yet he is actually achieving and may himself go beyond just holding a "job" and become someone, something from doing this... The real world is doing your thing that you love, your passion and and eventually getting paid for it.. Not just working.

I would say let it go and agree with regards to the "friendship" if he means anything to you, hold onto that, let things slide and see what transpires as time goes on... If it truly is love then nothing bad will happen and it will flow, if not, then you had your time with this person as far as relationships go..

It's easy to assume that it's only because he wants to sleep around and be free.

It could be that he feels you will falter and he will get hurt.

There is another side to this too.

If you agree, he will always wonder and as such, probably communicate with you more regularily in that wonder... People don't like to lose.

This may keep the relationship on a relationship level still.

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@sartois622,

Please tell me how this went... I am in the exact position. My boyfriend leaves in 3 weeks for a month study-abroad ar0und Europe then he goes to Colorado for a 12 week internship. He is already trying to play when he will be coming home/ when i will come visit but if we're taking a break i don't know if I can handle seeing him. Neither of us know what to do. Please tell me what you decided and if you would stick with your decision.

1 Reply

@treepost2,

No advice really, just my experience:

I met my boyfriend in July, and had already made arrangements to study abroad for a semester starting in January (about 4.5 months away). I considered canceling but I had really been looking forward to it and went. I was gone about five months -- more than we had been together.

That was about 20 years ago, and we've been married for about 16 of those years.

Again, not advice, in that everyone is different and every relationship is different. Several other people in the study-abroad program with me were in relationships with people back home that did not last.

Just that being apart for a stretch doesn't necessarily mean that you can't continue in a relationship.

We never decided to take a break though, I couldn't quite tell from your post, treepost2, if the "break" you refer to is just being physically apart, or if your boyfriend also wants to put the relationship on hold.

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@sozobe,

We have been dating for just over a year. We are the same year (junior) in college though he was planning on graduating a year early when I met him. As our relationship progressed, he decided to take on a minor so that he would be able to stay an extra year. However, my engineering program still will extend an extra year after he leaves. He told me that he will stay around here for that year if I agree to move where he is able to get a job after I graduate. If we are still dating at that point, I do agree - absolutely. Because he picked up this minor (international business) he is required to do a study abroad trip. I had figured that we would stay together, but after talking out things last night it seems that we don't know where to 'draw the line'. I know we are going to meet people when we go out and flirt... it's natural. But he will be with the same people each day and I know how one thing leads to another - especially when drinking. Where do we draw the line? How do i talk to him if I can't stop wondering if he's been with someone else? Before I met him I loved being single but I'm head over heels for him and I can't imagine the thought of him being with someone else - especially if our relationship when we are together is so wonderful. I don't want to make him regret dating me while he is there - and tie him down.. But just because he is out of the country does not make an excuse in my mind to hook up with other people.

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@treepost2,

treepost2 wrote:

I know we are going to meet people when we go out and flirt... it's natural. But he will be with the same people each day and I know how one thing leads to another - especially when drinking. Where do we draw the line? How do i talk to him if I can't stop wondering if he's been with someone else?

Well, I think that's what you have to figure out.

I'd had a bad relationship before this one and was wary of that sort of thing too. But I just kind of decided I had to trust my boyfriend. And so far as I know, my trust was justified. Neither of us hooked up with anyone else when I was gone. (He was more worried than I was, since he was just at home and I was on my Big Foreign Adventure, but he needn't have worried.)

Quote:

I don't want to make him regret dating me while he is there - and tie him down.. But just because he is out of the country does not make an excuse in my mind to hook up with other people.

Well, sure. I don't really see why that's so automatic though. Can't you guys just not hook up with other people? There are lots of ways to interact and have a good experience abroad without hooking up.

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@sartois622,

Hey, am sorry to ask you this but what did finally happen to you two? I am going through something similar(he moved to europe, he is 21, me 24, possessive but even though we aren't going on a break, he already seems least bothered and dumps it on the fact that he is busy)

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@sartois622,

Hey. Though its been years that u posted this. But today i am in a similar situation. I am 23 and he is 19. He is going to Australia for his graduation and that would mean atleast 4 yrs abroad. Though i know he loves me a lot but he said that we ll not ve together from now and the reason is simple that 4 yrs is a big time though he ll be visiting india . he wants to be in touch as friends. I don't know. I just can't handle the situation. Even the idea of living without him is killing me . plz gimme some advice

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@pooji,

Either get married or otherwise commit and go along, or let him go. Don't tie yourself down for four years to someone with whom you do not have a stated commitment.

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My boyfriend is going abroad and I need advice how to handle the situation.

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