friend house very un-hygienic- how to tell him?

@roger,

I would be careful about social services. There has been some real bad things happening in Sweden about 30 years ago and since then I have not been following it so closely.
A mother dies in cancer. Her (7?) daughter who has been living with her grandparents is removed from them and given to a fosterfamily and was not allowed to have contact with her grandparents.
THEY WERE TOO OLD. Not even 50. This decision was made by an over 50 year old judge who had two children under 5.
A child was taken from his mother because of speaking two languages.
Another one because her parents were religous and she was given pianolessons.
Both things considered old fashioned.
THERE WERE ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER REASONS:
I am not screaming at you - but I get so upset by what has been going on in my country under the name of protecting children. There are many many stories like that.

2 Replies

@saab,

I do understand your feelings. I really think bureaucrats feel a need to do something, just for the sake of proving they have done something. I do not suspect the group of being overly concerned about doing something either important or useful.

0 Replies

@saab,

That's wrong... in so many ways... Blood is thicker than water, yet it seems to be based on age where you come from, that a child requires a youthful person, yet with age comes wisdom...

Quote:

Helling = the same as screaming or the same as hitting?

Did I really say that? Smile

Yelling... he was yelling at her and she was screaming on the top of her lungs, all over going to bed, it happens every night.. If only they would go in and read her a book, make her laugh and eventually fall asleep instead of deligating to a child who is not old enough to know the difference and fights back...

At least she will probably be tough at school.

0 Replies

At the moment there is a court case running in Denmark about 2 foster children´s life. They were hit, locked up, had to go without food for days with the result they ate toiletpaper. This is just a bit of what happened.
They stole food in school. The foster mother always served food which she knew the children did not like at all.
There were more children in the foster family.
Would life in a not so good family have been worse?
social services did not visit for a year as nobody reported it. How could people report if they did not see it. And who would really have believed small children telling such stories? And it is not the rule for social services to visit often anyway?

1 Reply

@saab,

Saab you are going to break your heart if you keep reading those, do you volunteer for something or could, that "could" help what you so believe in ?

I remember a story the other night about bears I know that they are not children. But after watching this bear eat his paws to die, having been in a cage so small for 25 years, and the woman who tried to feed it give it courage to keep going but didn't succeed. She now owns a sanctuary and saves others... where she couldn't save him.

Sounds like something you would do if you could and if not, racing funds for a cause works to... I'm in..If you decide.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

It is so kind of you to think about that I might break my heart about reading these stories.
I really don´t. It just was because of the people thinking they can solve all problems by just calling social services behind the back of another person without really looking into things. That made me mad - .
I would say that I am rather well involved in life even if it is not in different good causes. I am more for being involved in friends and neighbourhood.
Friends see me as an active person.
I do not spend my free time travelling to see the world - I let the world come to me by keeping up with friends, reading and trying to inform myself in different ways.

1 Reply

@saab,

My daughter is a Child Protection Social Worker who investigates complaints made about parents/families. They do not automatically go in and take the children. A thorough investigation takes place. The CPS policy is that kids are better off with their families and removing them is a very serious matter. They generally work with the families, providing advice and assistance in many forms, and monitor their progress very carefully.

She is in Canada, however, and I have no idea what happens in the US. Also, she is in Ontario - each province has their own system and procedures.

In this case, they would provide assistance to the father re: hygiene, sanitation, and nutrition, for a start. They would try to educate him as to what his children need to be physically and emotionally healthy. They would NOT remove the children based on what we know at this point. The children are not in danger and they are not being abused; they are being neglected, but it could be due to ignorance. That's what they would determine - is it ignorance or willful, and what can they do to improve the children's lives.

1 Reply

due to the fact that there are MILLIONS of people on the planet, the odds are that you will ALWAYS hear about a CPS issue , situation, or complaint gone wrong. If odds are one in 100,000 calls are dropped or over reacted to, thats several hundred world wide. Dont forget that and dont use that for a reason to NOT call. Again, thats only several hundred out of MILLIONS. If you reversed that and said that only 1 in 100,000 lottery tickets would COST you money, you would jump to those odds knowing you were going to come out ahead.

having said that........

yes. having a clean house IS a legal issue when it comes to kids.
How do i know?
Im getting custody because of it. No elaboration there.. but understand that what the o.p. said , applies to my situation . And yes, CPS does want in to make sure everything is good.

1 Reply

@shewolfnm,

shewolfnm wrote:

due to the fact that there are MILLIONS of people on the planet, the odds are that you will ALWAYS hear about a CPS issue , situation, or complaint gone wrong. If odds are one in 100,000 calls are dropped or over reacted to, thats several hundred world wide. Dont forget that and dont use that for a reason to NOT call. Again, thats only several hundred out of MILLIONS. If you reversed that and said that only 1 in 100,000 lottery tickets would COST you money, you would jump to those odds knowing you were going to come out ahead.

having said that........

yes. having a clean house IS a legal issue when it comes to kids.
How do i know?
Im getting custody because of it. No elaboration there.. but understand that what the o.p. said , applies to my situation . And yes, CPS does want in to make sure everything is good.

I'm so glad you showed up girl.

I had been thinking about what someone said, that they knew someone, and such and such happened, and it turned out bad.

That is just an personal anecdote. What about all the other times compared to that incident where it did the child good?

Not to beat a dead horse, but I still wonder what that poster meant when he said "maybe the father was caring so much for his children that he didn't have time to clean or be hygenic" (I'm paraphrasing.)

1 Reply

@chai2,

if he were that focused on making their world so wonderful you would see bouts fo attempts at fixing EVERYTHING.
maybe one room at a time would be done..

or one day.. all laundry is done

next time maybe...dishes are done..

you would SEE a rotation of action. Dirty diapers do not go on the floor. And even if it IS from being overwhelmed, there is a rotation of action that CLEANS that up.

there is none. Not if it is left long enough to attract vermin

0 Replies

I have never said you should not report to the social services.
But one should not just do it behind the back of friends.

Some of you are really on the side of skelk.
How do you know that person is telling the truth 100%? How do you know how often he or she is visiting? Do you really know that skelk is not overly crazy when it comes to hygiene?
Skelk tells us about a friend who lives with two children in a awful mess.
You just accept it without asking how often are those visit? Where is the wife?

What about the children? Are they difficult, does the man work and how much time does he have to be away from his kids during the day? The little time he has might just go for feeding them, playing with them and cuddling them. At least that is what I could spend hours doing with my daughter, but if chai preferes to clean all the time around the kid that is her decision.

I have had personal contact with social services too - I had no problems with them what so ever.
The lady showed up around 9.30 10 and I had not expected her. The kitchen was full of dishes - the dishwasher was not yet emptied from the day before.
The leftover from breakfast was still on the table, the floor full of toys and we were playing and laughing. When the doorbell rang, I opened expecting somebody else and there she was - the lady from social services.
One look around the kitchen, one into the livingroom and two at my daughter.
" I certainly don´t have to stay around here any longer - you sure have a lot of fun the two of you. I don´t want to disturb any longer"
How would skelk have reacted? Called social services behind my back???

1 Reply

@saab,

saab wrote:

I have never said you should not report to the social services.
But one should not just do it behind the back of friends.

Some of you are really on the side of skelk.
How do you know that person is telling the truth 100%? How do you know how often he or she is visiting? Do you really know that skelk is not overly crazy when it comes to hygiene?
Skelk tells us about a friend who lives with two children in a awful mess.
You just accept it without asking how often are those visit? Where is the wife?

What about the children? Are they difficult, does the man work and how much time does he have to be away from his kids during the day? The little time he has might just go for feeding them, playing with them and cuddling them. At least that is what I could spend hours doing with my daughter, but if chai preferes to clean all the time around the kid that is her decision.

I have had personal contact with social services too - I had no problems with them what so ever.
The lady showed up around 9.30 10 and I had not expected her. The kitchen was full of dishes - the dishwasher was not yet emptied from the day before.
The leftover from breakfast was still on the table, the floor full of toys and we were playing and laughing. When the doorbell rang, I opened expecting somebody else and there she was - the lady from social services.
One look around the kitchen, one into the livingroom and two at my daughter.
" I certainly don´t have to stay around here any longer - you sure have a lot of fun the two of you. I don´t want to disturb any longer"
How would skelk have reacted? Called social services behind my back???

Again saab, no one is saying they don't understand a house getting messy, and parts of it being downright dirty at times.

This is beyond that.
You make a leap that I would never cuddle or feed a child because I'd always be cleaning "around" the child?

That's quite a assumption.

Most people incorporate cuddling, playing and feeding into the routine of child care. There is no either/or.

There's also an assumption that calling Child Protective Services is an automatic condemnation, based on one persons slight experience with it (yours).

It could be that calling CPS would be the best thing that could happen to the parent as well. It could be the parent knows there's a problem with his care giving, but is at a loss as to what to do, and can't/won't ask for help.

We don't know.

The more common understanding of caring for a child is to make sure they are not in danger of harm/disease. Cuddling, playing and work needs to be balanced, and can be done simultaneously.

0 Replies

Again I am saying I am not against calling social services, but I am against it when it is done behind somebody´s back without trying to help first.

Many children are better off without their parents and with fosterparents.

0 Replies

I had to go back and reread the OP...

"House is filthy. Food lying on the floor which his2 year old twins eat.. Used diper lying around the house... And lot more"

We don't have a lot of info from this - food lying on the floor - was that toast from breakfast? If so, big deal. Not that I recommend this, but really... some kids eat their own pooh. Used diaper lying around the house... so what? Naturally you'd rather it be in the garbage but if it's one diaper, not a big deal...especially if it only had pee in it.

We don't have enough information to make any kind of determination, really. If it was old food all over the house, poopy diapers from last week or month all over... different issue. And what is the 'lot more'?

I guess some CPS workers would go, and some would not. Are the children dressed, cleaned, healthy? Is he depressed? Working? Is the mother in the picture? Does he have family in town?

Lots of questions and very little info.

0 Replies

Just returned to this forum and have read all the rest-of-the-stories, and have to say I think these sorts of people have an actual disease like that of hoarding. They, somehow, don't see correctly, like those who are bone skinny and see themselves even in a mirror, as fat?

I am such a sensitive nut-hatch that, should I have a neighbor or close relative I see often in the situation described by the op, I would go completely bonkers. Probably cry all day. I cried when someone wrote about the bear who ate his own paws while sitting in a cage all day.

Actually, I have no idea what I'd do. The people I described in my post, back a bit, are relatives that I choose not to see but do talk with them on the phone. The 4 kids have all left and are happy and healty as far as I can see. They are loyal to these parents, one comes over to keep up the yard and another cleans the house if they (the parents) plan to have company.

Have you read the book, or seen the movie "From Homeless to Harvard?" Their daughter lived mostly in homeless shelters with this sort of parent while growing up. A teacher became interested in her and gave her books. She memorized all of them. Eventually, she was accepted by Harvard when she was, I think, 15. When she was asked about her parents (much later) she showed no animosity because, she said, they loved her.

I mail this relative books and talk to her on the phone. Both she and her husband are what you might call intellectuals. Go figure. I can't figure it at all.
At this point in time the dad is in a hospice and the wife at home has cancer. One grand daughter (divorced twice with 2 toddlers) helps care for her and run the house (I guess). A daughter lives with their other grandaughter who is single and pregnant.

These people have always made pretty good money. But, they drank beer all day long, all their married life.

0 Replies

@Mame,

Quote:

She is in Canada, however, and I have no idea what happens in the US. Also, she is in Ontario - each province has their own system and procedures.

IN America the State charges first and then investigates when it gets around to it it, so do you really think that our government would investigate before pulling the kids? Look what happened at the Yearning For Zion ranch in Texas a few years back, where the state came on on a sham pretext and took 439 kids and kept them for months because it wanted to DNA test them so as to try to prove that their mothers had been raped and also to keep the kids away from their parents.

0 Replies

friend house very un-hygienic- how to tell him?

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know