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CONTEMPTUOUS FAMILIARITY

 
 
Setanta
 
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 09:08 am
In another thread, one of the respondants observed that familiarity breeds contempt. I don't, personally, feel that this ought to be considered axiomatic. I would opine that those contemptuous of their partner either made a foolish choice in the first place, or they are not trying very hard to make the relationship work. Suppose for example, someone is very fond of a food which you despise. Their reasons for enjoying the dish are as valid as your own reasons for wanting to avoid it. To be contemptuous of that person on such a basis might well indicate that you are not looking beyond your own personal preferences and prejudices, not recognizing the differences which make people interesting.

I recognize that my own views are not comprehensive, so i thought i'd solicit the community's observations on this subject. Your thoughts?
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fishin
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 10:05 am
In a way I guess the axiom is true - The more you see someone the more likely you are to see their flaws. After you've known them longer they tend to drop teh polite facade that most of us extend to people when we first meet them.

But yeah, I agree with your main point (I think!). I'm not a fan of Chinese food but quinn enjoys it. That usually means if we go out to eat we don't hit a chinese resturant but it doesn't mean that she doesn't at other times or that it's something I'd resent her for (or even really ever think about for that matter).

She likes her walls painted "vibrant" colors. I'm happy with eggshell white. It's something we razz each other about on occassion but it isn't something to get into a tizzy over.

When there are 30 choices for something why not be happy with the 28 or 29 you agree with and just leave the other one or two that there is disagreement on go? Life is to short for that sort of angst.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 10:18 am
Familiarity breeds contempt?

Rather than assuming that all people are contemptable, I'd argue "No man (or woman) is a hero to his/her valet."

Heroes/heroines are more than mortal with no faults. Heroes/heroines usually don't come with articulate valets or ladies' maids.

Blind adoration may wear off after the honeymoon is over, but respect should endure and grow.

Of course, I maintain that every man is capable of picking up his own underwear and putting in the laundry hamper.
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Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 10:19 am
Noddy24 wrote:
Of course, I maintain that every man is capable of picking up his own underwear and putting in the laundry hamper.


A radical concept, that . . . i'll need to think that over . . .
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 11:21 am
<doing a cat out of the bag dance>

I like "no man is a hero to his valet" as a comparison. We got a really cool old book about Enrico Fermi for Christmas, written by his wife, that has a similar quote having to do with she can't get too het up about this guy she cooks and irons for being a Great Man.

Basically, I think that part of the point of finding a life partner is finding someone with whom you can be as familiar as familiar gets and NOT descend into contempt. That goes on both sides -- the person not being contemptable, and you not being too contemptuous. There are people who are truly contemptable, and there are others who will find something contemptuous in any situation.
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quinn1
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 12:32 pm
I gotta say

familiarity breeds contempt in those persons who are contemptable

works for me as a standard.

As far as in relationships, I dont think you have a good one if you cant dually respect and take into consideration the other.

as far as the fishin thing....(fisrt I must say that neither of us has flaws..just to be clear right up front,its odd but completely true Smile )

yeah, the chinese thing..you know what..its food, doesnt make any difference to me that he doesnt eat it, doesnt stop me from eating it either...whats the big deal? Nada. Others could make it a huge issue, it really isnt.

vibrant colors...well dangit, its my house and Ill live the way I want to...if there was someone else living there, I would take that into consideration, but there isnt.....besides, once fishin actually got used to the orange sherbet/pumpkin color room..he doesnt mind it all that much and might even consider living with it I think...so, you know..I could explore the eggshell white thing as well. fa la la blah..its a color, again one of those things you should find joy and laughter in...but just MHO.

You should pick your battles and simplistic reality makes most items in a realtionship ... well, workable as long as you yourself arent contemptable, or searching for such.
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Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 01:16 pm
Familiarity breeds extremes (in both directions).
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 03:27 pm
Setanta wrote:
Noddy24 wrote:
Of course, I maintain that every man is capable of picking up his own underwear and putting in the laundry hamper.


A radical concept, that . . . i'll need to think that over . . .


How's the thinking going?
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roger
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 03:29 pm
Laundry hamper?
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fishin
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 04:37 pm
ehBeth wrote:
Setanta wrote:
Noddy24 wrote:
Of course, I maintain that every man is capable of picking up his own underwear and putting in the laundry hamper.


A radical concept, that . . . i'll need to think that over . . .


How's the thinking going?


Doh! *snicker*
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Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 04:49 pm
keep laughin', homicidal kitty . . . your day will come . . .
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 04:55 pm
taptaptap
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Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 04:58 pm
Ah my favorite, Sweetiepie on tap . . .
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fishin
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 05:10 pm
Setanta wrote:
keep laughin', homicidal kitty . . . your day will come . . .



lol Oh, I've been there!
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 05:21 pm
Where is Letty to comment on the significance of taps being played? :: squinty eyes ::
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 06:34 pm
Contempt... or its little brother, boredom, can come and go in a long relationship. Most of us make incremental changes in our thinking, our interests, and sometimes leaping changes, and sometime the partner doesn't look as good as... he or she did last week or last year. Things often come up for reevaluation, as in, why am I here? Love finds a way, or it doesn't. Personal growth can even be cyclical. Mostly this is rewarding. Sometimes it is deep doo doo, to quote a friend.
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msolga
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 07:06 pm
From the other discussion. Saves me saying the same thing twice Smile :

msolga wrote:
I'm of the firm opinion that familiarity breeds contempt .... While the possibility of another relationship is OK, but just the thought of actually living under one roof with a partner again makes me panic.

I was talking here of important things here, not matters of decor, annoying little habits, etc. The things one has to do to remain in an ongoing civilized, loving arrangement. After many years of doing my level best to "make things work" in my last relationship, I've come to the conclusion that it's necessary for BOTH people in a relationship to be EQUALLY considerate of the other for things to work. From my observation this rarely happens - one partner tries harder than the other, one is more thoughtful & obliging ..... Inevitably this leads to stresses, strains & bad feelings. Anyone whose met their "perfect match", I envy you!
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fishin
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 08:52 pm
I knew what ya meant over there msolga. Wink

In my own experience a lot of the big stuff stems from agravation over the small stuff after a while though. People let them all build up and then take one of them and blow it way out of proportion.

And I agree completely that both people have to be completely considerate.
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Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 08:53 pm
In Demoscracy in American, DeToqueville makes exactly that observation, to the effect that men rebel for small causes, and not the bigger issues.
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quinn1
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Jan, 2004 09:44 pm
msolga...the panic thing I can understand...I mean who the heck really wants to confront the possibility anyway without considering the implications? Its bigger than starting a new job, moving to a new city, finding a new home...sometimes it can even involve all of those things....thats enough to panic anyone if you think about it.
Having done the move in together thing when younger I think- you arent set in your ways, you have few habits that cant be broken, but..I think looking back on that either I didnt care about the issues..large or small... seriously enough. I think with age and with experience you tend to think more seriously about the what ifs....
and what if will always put panic in your heart when you dwell on it.

Having a relationship of any kind, even those without such familiarity, you should be able to know if you get along to the point where you can offer equal respect and consideration of the other person. You also put yourself in a situation to which both parties can be hurt.
This is the risk we all take when we enter into any relationship, and if you dont risk, you dont know, you dont experience..know what I mean? You cant just go through life not experiencing relationships because ...what if?
I dont think you should take serious steps until you've given it serious thought however.

So. Did that help? LOL
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