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Wed 28 Jan, 2004 07:38 am
I feel that it is time to have a thread devoted to the practical side of childcare--which is to say, the sensible way that the mins have of dealing with a simple matter, all too often blown out of proportion by the wimmins.
I'll offer a few tips, and encourage the mins to drop off their best ideas, so that we can perfect the pragmatic manner in which we deal with the half-pints.
The 15 Second Rule: When feeding small children who consider certain forms of food to be projectiles as well as nourishment, the 15 second rule applied. If it hits the floor, and you pick it up before 15 seconds have elapsed, it is perfectly correct to brush it off and feed it to the little anarchist.
The 5 Minute Rule: When a toddler fills his/her pants while in the great out-of-doors, it is acceptable to wait up to five minutes before taking notice. Another 5 minutes can be allowed to pass before taking action. After ten minutes, though, the possibility of stains spreading to clothing, and necessitating the dreaded laundry ritual becomes crucial. The additional benefit of this policy is that a toddler with a load in their shorts cannot so easily run away.
Hair: If god had wanted men to comb small childrens' hair, she would not have invented hats.
Please mins, let us help one another with this. Your tips?
The sink rule: If a child messes his pants and the wife is not around, simply toss the nasty diaper in the garbage, hold the child over the laundry sink, and spray wash the backside. In the summer simply go outside and use the garden hose.
Good one, Gus . . . also, for those living in rural areas, or on vacation in a state or national park, it is acceptable, in the absense of the wimmins, to dispense with pants and diapers . . . just don't let the old lady catch you . . .
We would notice the pants missing.
That's why ya gotta keep a weather eye out for the old lady . . .
Mins, don't miss the point that many of these very usefel expedients could land you in divorce court if discovered too frequently by the wimmins. Also note that wimmins have no sense of honor, and will rat you out every time . . .
The football rule: If you're watching a toddler when the football game is on, put the toddler in a walker. Still a problem because the child might roll behind you, thus causing you to turn your head and potentially miss a play. The solution -- duct tape the walker to the top of the tv set. If the child starts crying -- turn up the volume on the tv.
instructions to the toddler: pee your pants as hard as you can when duct taped to the top of the tv set! leakage encouraged!
Er...might electrocute the child, Dag! Let 'em pooh instead...
If your kid gets too nasty and loud in public, and you're in company of said kid's mom, always complain about how her kid is obnoxious.
Other tip from a buddy of mine. kids are great chickmagnets. If you are kidless, borrow a friend's kid, and go to the mall. Can only be done with cute and well-behaved kids.
"football rule" addendum:
Make sure top of tv is covered with plastic in case the toddler pees.
Some nutrional tips: Ketchup is a vegetable . . . oatmeal raisin cookies count for both the grain food group and the fruit food group, plus stuffing one in the mouth of an aurally obnoxious toddler can bring instant relief to your frayed nerves . . .
i concur w/ the 15 sec rule only in my own kitchen and it's only 10 sec....
You must move fast to stay within 10 seconds, especially when the little terrorist is seeing how fast he can sling the oatmeal . . .
I always thought it was a 5 second rule myself.
female terrorists under the age of 5 are especially fast....dang it
You're only required to pick up a toy that's been chucked down from the highchair twice. On the third occurance, tip the child out of the chair and sit 'Mr Bear' up there instead. Allow child to graze on the food it also chucked down previously.
Since the whole house smells of pee anyway, consider just having a slash in the corner of the living-room and save yourself the bother of having to find the bathroom and lift up the toilet seat.
If the brat can crawl, he's perfectly capable of eating with the dog, from his own bowls, of course. We're not savages.
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