I have a problem...

I am in an abusive relationship. I know that I'm in an abusive relationship, but I'm not going to leave.

I have been with my husband for 5 years now. We have known since high school, and been the very best of friends. I went into the relationship knowing he had problems and a short temper, knowing his entire immediate family had problems. He was placed on SSI during his teens and given a diagnosis of bi-polar, which I and his primary care physician actually don't believe is true, but rather he suffers from an anxiety disorder--which he is being treated for with GREAT improvement to his behavior, but it's not a 100% fix. His mother has severe bi-polar and is on SSI as well. His brother has schizophrenia (on SSI), his father was a severe alcoholic who put him in the hospital more than once. They live in the worst neighborhood with the absolute worst living conditions I have ever seen. This is not an excuse for his behavior, I know but just a little background.

My husband gets stressed out very easily. When he is stressed out he panics, becomes irrational and is sometimes violent.He mostly breaks things. He has broken his futon, thrown his phone off a 3rd story porch, snapped my glasses into thousands of pieces and once broke my windshield from the inside by kicking it in these moments. He has also slapped me 3-4 times and pushed me 1-2 times. There have also been times (pre medication) that he would cut himself in guilt after these episodes. This was done out of my vision, so it was not just used to make my feel guilt. I always found the cuts after the fact. These incidents have almost entirely been eliminated once he started his medication, which he started despite hating being drugged (bad experiences in childhood) because he hated what he was doing more.

I have a hard time grasping the idea that my husband is abusive. This is the first time I've ever admitted it. He is absolutely amazing most of the time, and not just in a material or surface way. My husband encourages me all the time. He tells me I can do anything that I want to and reach any goal that I could dream of. He encourages me to go to school and often tells me how incredible and intelligent I am. He has never said, even in anger, anything demeaning towards me. He has never tried to isolate me. He actually encourages me to go out with friends and to spend time with my family--with or without him. Family is incredibly important to the both of us. He is also very physically affectionate most of the time. He loves to hold and to be held and to kiss and hug. He loves animals to a fault. He works hard and is ambitious. We have the same goals in life, we like the same things, have mostly the same interests (but enough differences that we don't get bored). I am honestly the happiest I have ever been in any relationship I have ever been in, in my entire life. And I haven't just been with "terrible" people either. When he has his episodes he honestly tells me that I should leave him, that he's a horrible person and a monster and I should not subject myself to him. I choose to stay even when he pushes me away.

I think there is something wrong with me. Honestly the violence doesn't bother me that much. When it happens I get over it in about an hour. I have always been drawn to dysfunctional people. I was once engaged to someone with multiple personality disorder. I tried dating a perfectly normal Yale student once and was completely miserable. I dated another man for 3 years who was eccentric (but not what I would call dysfunctional) and became very bored. This led me to be somewhat emotionally abusive myself. I also ask myself a lot as to whether all abuse just means that you should immediately end the relationship? My grandparents were together for 48 years and there were times when my grandmother hit my grandfather (once giving him a concussion) and vice versa. They were very happy together though. And now that my grandmother is dead my grandfather is wasting away. He wont' even allow anyone to move her belongings and he misses her every single day. But they had an abusive relationship by modern standards. I just don't get it.

I realize I should probably talk to a psychologist but I'm afraid they will tell me to leave my husband or that my husband will get in trouble with the law or something...and that's not what I want either.

I know it doesn't seem like I'm asking a questioning or seeking advice and in a way I wasn't. I just needed a place where I could anonymously get this out. It's not something that I can talk to anyone at all about.