I have a problem...

Reply Sun 13 Nov, 2011 11:18 am
I am in an abusive relationship. I know that I'm in an abusive relationship, but I'm not going to leave.

I have been with my husband for 5 years now. We have known since high school, and been the very best of friends. I went into the relationship knowing he had problems and a short temper, knowing his entire immediate family had problems. He was placed on SSI during his teens and given a diagnosis of bi-polar, which I and his primary care physician actually don't believe is true, but rather he suffers from an anxiety disorder--which he is being treated for with GREAT improvement to his behavior, but it's not a 100% fix. His mother has severe bi-polar and is on SSI as well. His brother has schizophrenia (on SSI), his father was a severe alcoholic who put him in the hospital more than once. They live in the worst neighborhood with the absolute worst living conditions I have ever seen. This is not an excuse for his behavior, I know but just a little background.

My husband gets stressed out very easily. When he is stressed out he panics, becomes irrational and is sometimes violent.He mostly breaks things. He has broken his futon, thrown his phone off a 3rd story porch, snapped my glasses into thousands of pieces and once broke my windshield from the inside by kicking it in these moments. He has also slapped me 3-4 times and pushed me 1-2 times. There have also been times (pre medication) that he would cut himself in guilt after these episodes. This was done out of my vision, so it was not just used to make my feel guilt. I always found the cuts after the fact. These incidents have almost entirely been eliminated once he started his medication, which he started despite hating being drugged (bad experiences in childhood) because he hated what he was doing more.

I have a hard time grasping the idea that my husband is abusive. This is the first time I've ever admitted it. He is absolutely amazing most of the time, and not just in a material or surface way. My husband encourages me all the time. He tells me I can do anything that I want to and reach any goal that I could dream of. He encourages me to go to school and often tells me how incredible and intelligent I am. He has never said, even in anger, anything demeaning towards me. He has never tried to isolate me. He actually encourages me to go out with friends and to spend time with my family--with or without him. Family is incredibly important to the both of us. He is also very physically affectionate most of the time. He loves to hold and to be held and to kiss and hug. He loves animals to a fault. He works hard and is ambitious. We have the same goals in life, we like the same things, have mostly the same interests (but enough differences that we don't get bored). I am honestly the happiest I have ever been in any relationship I have ever been in, in my entire life. And I haven't just been with "terrible" people either. When he has his episodes he honestly tells me that I should leave him, that he's a horrible person and a monster and I should not subject myself to him. I choose to stay even when he pushes me away.

I think there is something wrong with me. Honestly the violence doesn't bother me that much. When it happens I get over it in about an hour. I have always been drawn to dysfunctional people. I was once engaged to someone with multiple personality disorder. I tried dating a perfectly normal Yale student once and was completely miserable. I dated another man for 3 years who was eccentric (but not what I would call dysfunctional) and became very bored. This led me to be somewhat emotionally abusive myself. I also ask myself a lot as to whether all abuse just means that you should immediately end the relationship? My grandparents were together for 48 years and there were times when my grandmother hit my grandfather (once giving him a concussion) and vice versa. They were very happy together though. And now that my grandmother is dead my grandfather is wasting away. He wont' even allow anyone to move her belongings and he misses her every single day. But they had an abusive relationship by modern standards. I just don't get it.

I realize I should probably talk to a psychologist but I'm afraid they will tell me to leave my husband or that my husband will get in trouble with the law or something...and that's not what I want either.

I know it doesn't seem like I'm asking a questioning or seeking advice and in a way I wasn't. I just needed a place where I could anonymously get this out. It's not something that I can talk to anyone at all about.
Reply Sun 13 Nov, 2011 11:53 am
I think you are selling psychologists short.

unless there is a murder involved, I would not worry that your secrets are going to be revealed to the police. even then, it's complicated by laws and ethics.

please find a professional you think you might be comfortable with, and discuss this with them...
Reply Sun 13 Nov, 2011 02:18 pm
Yeah, and while you may not have a problem with the violence NOW, it's a great certainty that it will escalate to punches, beatings, broken bones, etc.

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Reply Sun 13 Nov, 2011 02:45 pm
Perhaps your heart is too big. You choose people that need "people" and you've tried to get out of that pattern but you chose "boring" people who just go through life, no depth of compassion, laughter.

You've never admitted it to yourself before, regarding the abuse. Now you have so it's a step, your eyes are now opening.

There is in-deed a code of ethic involved with Doctor, patient and there is in-deed a "next step" where abuse has been had, it never stops at pushing. Once a person knows they can do that, and get away with it, it's not enough anymore when they lose it, they need to do something more, worse.

He may be a great person "sometimes" stand by you, encourage you, allow you to be yourself, all that you have found there, is characteristics that you want in your life, for you... If you can see that, and the abuse maybe you can see that you are now soul searching for what is acceptable and what isn't, what you have and could still have elsewhere without the abuse.

If he can tolerate taking medication then he can tolerate seeing a Doctor himself that can send him to Anger Management classes, that can send him to a physcologist to help him get over his fears from childhood, abuse that he may have had himself... Until he can rid his past and forget his past, he can't move into the future anyway.

If you wont leave, that's your choice. You'll need four eyes, two in the back of your head, you never know what and when a trigger will occur...But at least talk him into getting everything under control, not just "anxiety" if that is what he has.....

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Reply Mon 14 Nov, 2011 08:29 am
Well . . he is needy and you are a co-dependent. Match made in heaven, if he doesn't kill you someday.

Please don't bring children into this picture. You can see how this kind of behavior is partly "learned" - good god, his parental background and environment are great contributors to his dysfunction.

HE should be in counseling to identify "triggers" to his raging and find appropriate ways of expressing it.

YOU should be in counseling to find out why you are so attracted to abusive males.

PS: I also was married to a "wonderful, supportive" person who would rage, after drinking. The first time he pushed me up against the refrigerator in a choke hold, I took the 3 kids and left. I got "replaced" in two weeks by a blonde bimbo, they married for 2 years and he made her life miserable, too. Some guys just can't accept love.

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