Am I being negative?

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Hi, After the long going back and forth of my previous post "What happened 13 years of love.." My husband seems opened to make things better. i.e. he says he is starting to think that our finances could also be a big culprit in our marital difficulties (or his ovewhelming feelings). We have a huge mortgage, and all our money goes towards the house. He is thinking that maybe we should go back to a simpler way of life, and not being strapped financially would probably do a lot of good. He is still very caring, and gentle with me, he just has not said the "I love you" part I'm craving so much yet. Maybe he just has trouble saying the words this fast. I don't know if he doesn't feel it or is simply scared. He went to see a therapist last night. He told me it went well, but did not comment any more. I didn't bug him. I am here for him; last night when we went to bed, I gave him a head massage which I think he appreciated. He is also talking about next summer and stuff like that, which makes me think separation is not on his to do list for now. However for some reason I still can't feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief just yet - is it because I'm being realistic, or am I being negative? Are these signs saying that we'll be OK? I'm certainly going to work on the things he said are bothering him i.e. feeling trapped, feeling like I don't let him talk to our daughter when I feel he's pushing (giving him nudges and stuff he says made him so mad and feel disconnected from the family). I don't know if rectifying all those things are going to bring back things the way they were? To me he said he'd been feeling this way for close to a year , but progressively - but maybe the way he's feeling right now (down & overwhelmed) makes it appear worse than it really was.. because I honestly can say that I did not feel that it has been that bad for all that long. He has been quite cheerful & loving most of the time, except for our little misunderstandings once in a while, but not all the time for sure. Maybe since last fall, at the most. Are these good signs? Am I being negative or am I being realistic? I can't see clearly as I'm still "shaken up" by it all. Even him yesterday told me it was normal for me to feel shaken up after all "we've BEEN through".. Any thoughts?

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Oh and another thing he told me originally when he said he was feeling detached, was that it was difficult to love someone when there is resentment. Resentment because he was feeling trapped. I'm certainly gonna work on changing all that, I just hope the love will re-emerge. I have to admit that I too don't love him as much when he is not good to me. I guess that's a normal feeling, what do y'all think?

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Well, I think it's early to tell. Unfortunately, there's no one-size-fits-all solution or even conclusion that can be drawn here.

So - do your best, don't push him, see how it goes with counseling and -- and I know this can be tough sometimes -- be patient. Things won't change overnight.

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Yep. Lots of promising signs! But you still need to keep on top of things, keep aware, keep listening, keep making adjustments as necessary. You're probably a ways away from a "big sigh of relief."

That's one of the central tenets of a long-term relationship, I think, is never getting too too complacent, never thinking that "well, we've been married for X number of years so that means we'll be together forever." It is certainly nice to feel comfortable and relaxed, and a relationship that is not comfortable and relaxed probably needs work, as you are doing. You don't want to be on tenterhooks all the time. But there is an opposite extreme, too, the feeling that you don't have to work at it any more. It's ALWAYS some measure of work, sometimes more, sometimes less, and the trick is to figure out what work needs to be done, whether it is worth it (is there too much work necessary to make the relationship succeed?), and how to integrate that work into your life in a satisfactory way.

You are doing lots of good, mature things, congratulations to you for that. Smile

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Thanks. I just spoke to him. He is telling me that going to the therapist last night has helped him. Therapist told him he was this close to burnout. That seemed to help him as he thought he was beginning to lose his mind. Therapist told him to get rid of some of his stress factors. He just told me that one of his stresses right now is Valentine's Day. That gave me a blow, because I know what that means. He dreaded Valentine's because he said that while it didn't mean he didn't love me anymore, he can't bring himself to telling me. Then he told me he felt a "great friendship" towards me, but that l' Amour with a big "A" seems to be missing. That hurt. Nevertheless I told him to to worry about Valentine's. I also told him that the way I looked at things, was that I don't see separation as a solution, as it is likely just postponing a similar experience with another person down the road once the honeymoon phase is over. And also that in my opinion it would be better to invest in the current relationship. He said that if he hadn't realized that he wouldn't be trying to work things out. But he said he needs some time, and he told me I need to be honest and to be myself, and I know that sometimes I'll say things thay you won't want to hear or that will hurt you, but I need to go through this otherwise I won't make it. I told him that I would support him and that I was optimistic that things could work. I might even consider counselling myself. Any feedback?

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Sounds like he feels...damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.
I don't think you are being negative in any way. Just remember you can't read his mind so don't make the mistake of assuming he doesn't want a seperation. Finances can be very stressful. I think selling your house or even refinancing is a wise move. However, do you have children? Perhaps he is thinking that if he were to leave he would not only have to pay the mortgage but child support as well. You both need to go to therapy together. Communication is extremely important. It sounds like he does love you...if he didn't he would have already left. However, it could very well be that he loves you and cares deeply for you BUT does not feel he is IN LOVE with you. What has made him not interested in you anymore? Do you bore him? Has he contemplated having an affair but cant bring himself to do that? I hope you guys can work things out and lower your spending so money isn't so much of an issue. And don't beat yourself up for thinking that you are the cause of his "depression and frustration"........if your confused about his behavior and can't make sense of some of it...then you need to have some alone time with him to discuss everything....like I said therapy would be good for both of you. It would be wise to have a nuetral party involved. If it helps, this does sound like a typical marital mountain that a lot of people have to climb. Just hang in there and try to keep your chin up. Things will get better and in the end your relationship will be even stronger. God Bless Ya!!! I am so sorry all of this is happening to you.

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Am I being negative?

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