My wife is depressed, how can I help her?

Well, you sure have a funny way of showing your love - you verbally abused your wife and now you're claiming to love her dearly?

If you really want to do something for your wife then get her to a good therapist and include some couple counseling too - you have major issues yourself.

Have you always been "cold and distant?"

Did something occur in your lives that led to the change in intimacy?

Do you really wish her body was different?

Look, I'm not saying this is what happened, but if your wife gained 200 pounds in 12 months it wouldn't be that unusual if your sex-life suffered.

You should go for counselling and spill your guts. Don't hold back on telling the counselor anything because you feel it might make you look bad or might embarrass you.

If you have a good counsellor and you're honest, he/she will give you some idea of whether or not your marriage can be saved and what you need to do.

If you can, encourage your wife to obtain counselling as well and with the same rules about honesty.

If there's any chance, you'll probably end up in couple's counselling.

You have to do something as it's not going to magically get better as is.

I'd be depressed if I lived with you, too.

(At least get my name straight.)

Don't you need help, yourself? Why place the blame on someone else?

Thanks for writing, even if now I see that I come out as a true bastard, believe me, that is not the case. I go from my home in the morning to take the kids to school, work for 11+ hours and return home every day. I never hang out with friends, and I have no out-of-home activities, becuase I'd rather be home. Satuday I work 'till 5, but the rest of the week-end is 100% family. I'm a devoted father, and at night, after kids are asleep, we spend a few hours together, talking, playing maybe some games, but nights are times exclusively for us. None of that even pretends to compensate for my mistakes, which after reading all your responses I see more objectively. We've tried therapy a couple of times (we couldn't keep going for not agreeing it was working once, and money issues the other).
The things I've said, the "verbally abusing", happened after very prolonged fights and when neither one of us was in a right state of mind. Again, this is no excuse, I know.
It was a very poorly decided way to try being waaay to honest done in terribly tactless way, but trying to be really honest after she wouldn't accept any other answer. I know she was obviouslly hurt by this, I was just trying to be honest that as a man you can like the way other women look, without that being a judgment on her as a woman, or it going against my loving her as a person and as a woman. Does that sound too irrational?

The argument isn't irrational, but you were irrational if you didn't expect the response you got.

Obviously it's not the case for all women, but for a whole lot of them, self-image is very important. Generally men can't appreciate the effect of growing up with such a strong focus on looks.

If you want to make an instant connection with a little girl, telling her how pretty she looks or how pretty her clothes are is usally effective.

It is almost never as effective to tell a boy how handsome he is. Most little boys don't spend a moment a day thinking about whether or not their looks are pleasing.

Women don't shed this concern upon reaching adulthood. They may put it into better perspective, but it's still underlies their sense of self-worth.

99% of the time, there is no good way for a husband to tell his wife there is something about her that he doesn't like or feels is unattractive.

If you didn't make whatever hurtful comment you made until well into a prolonged fight, then you knew this, and you probably wanted to hurt her when you said it.

Someone who has no clue pops off at any time, not at the end of a fight.

Most of us know what we can say if we really want to hurt a loved one, and the temptation is always there to use it when we are really mad, but its a big mistake.

Because the comment usually will have something to do with an aspect of the person he or she doesn't like or is not proud of, the damage is done as soon as the words escape. The other person isn't going to see it as simply a case of loose lips, but as an attempt to hurt them and confirmation of their own insecurity.

Whatever ever you said is what she hears when she plays it back in her head. Not you being really mad or hurt or even drunk and saying anything that might come to mind.

If she is really slim and petite and you call her a cow, the chances are she's not going to be happy with you, but the comparison is so offbase that she's unlikely to be personally offended. If, on the other hand, she is overweight and you call he a cow, along with everything else she she will be thinking

"My God! I am a cow and he sees me as a cow!"

How do you get around that?

"But dear, I like my women bovine?"

I also got news for you, the chances are really really good that that when the subject of her appearence comes up, she's not going to dervive any comfort from the thought "But at least he loves me..."

Why should she? If she's close to being a normal woman, she wants to feel attractive as well as loved. You are supposed to have made that commitment to her when you married her. She shouldn't have to try so hard to attract you once you're married; she shouldn't feel that insecurity.

Obviously if a woman's appearence changes drastically since marriage, it's not so simple a matter. For men, and I suspect the same is true for women, there remain physical components to sexual attraction. Just because you still love you wife doesn't mean you will still be aroused by her appearence if she gains 200 pounds, loses half her teeth, and never takes a shower.

You're going to need to sit down with her and have an important conversation.

With the limited information you're providing here no one in this forum is going to be able to help you frame the conversation, and I'm not recommending you go into greater detail.

I am recommending you sit down with a third party whom you respect and trust (preferably a woman) and tell her all the details of your situation and ask for her help in framing the conversation you need to have with your wife.

wow, that was pretty good advice, Finn (which is so contrary to your political views )

Finn dAbuzz:
Thanks for the words. Very true, very directly to the point. I´m not going into more details, nor try to validate why I did what I did, but I can tell you, I hadn't seen it quite as clearly as you put it. Thanks again.
And just to complete the scenario, today we had a TERRIBLE fight over the phone, but I spoke to a therapist that helped us before (we had a baby girl 2 yaers ago that died after 17 days) and she agreed to help us and help my wife. She IS depressed, and she has an important low self esteem problem; and they're meeting in 2 days. I'll see her later. I've hopes that things will turn out for the best, and again, I really appreciate ALL the words put here, it'll help me be a better person and a better husnabd for her.
Thanks again.

I'd like to recommend a book to you that I think you will find helpful with your marital arguments. I learned a lot from it when I read it several years ago. It isn't a book about arguing, it is about communicating -- communicating in all levels of life, from the courtroom to children to marriage partners. It also isn't about a one-sided win. It is about win/win communication.



http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0312144776/o/qid=970442644/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_3/103-2921954-6754227

You two lost a baby 2 years ago? She is depressed?

Your wife is grieving!!!

Get her into counseling ASAP - and you need some lessons in expressing yourself in a more positive manner.

Good luck!

This situation is tough because you knew she was depressed before you married her. Ordinarily I'd say that if you are young, she is probably not worth the effort, and you should try and find someone with whom you are more compatible with.

You are a fixer and she is a problem... you will be working CONSTANTLY and you have no guarantee whatsoever that anything will get better. It would be a shame, 10 years from now for you to be worse off, and wishing you'd left when you have a chance.

If she has already rejected the idea of therapy/counseling, I don't think there is much you can do. You can't force her to get better and you will only waste the best years of your life.

I think the "if you love something let it go and see if it comes back" idea is applicable here. If she doesn't want to be in this marriage, then there is no reason for you to be there either.

Well I'm glad that you were able to admit all the things you did to cause her to feel the way she does. The key thing now is to do the reverse of everything that you did and pray to the Lord for help. It's very difficult when a person is driven to a sudden point only to be reminded that it would be better if they changed the way they are. Can you imagine? Just pray my man, it will be alright.

wow you sound like my husband! I can tell you I am terribly depressed and have no gas in my tank all because my husband has no intimate interest in me! He doesn't communicate why and everything else is fine but it is heartbreaking. if you could muster up maybe even fake it til you make it. Kiss her. my husband hasn't kissed me or flirted with me in 4 years! All of my efforts are thwarted or met with akward responses from him. OF COURSE YOU HAVE AN ANGRY WIFE! spend intimate time with her make her feel desired and poof she will not have anything to be angry with! Its mean to not satisfy your wife and expect her to be bubbly and happy, so if you don't care to meet your wifes emotional and physical needs, you get 1) A pissed off wife
2) A cheating wife