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My boyfriend grown up in the Familly

 
 
Grazyna
 
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 07:11 am
Hi,

My boyfriend grown up in the Family. Him and his mother, stepfather and his step siblings and siblings left the cult when he was 7 (but they still stayed in contact and paid money for it for years).

When I started dating him and he told me about his past, I got a bit worried and was looking for some signs of 'damage' in his behaviour. Although I couldn't believe that such a traumatic experience didn't leave any sign in him, I really couldn't see anything being weird or wrong with him.

Not until recently. As we are going out for almost 3 years now, it became important for me that he know , and makes bonds with my family and friends. And here's a problem. He doest seem to understand those bonds at all. He doesn't seem to be able to understand why would I want him to go with mm to my aunts birthday, or to visit my cousin. He doesn't see why would he have to make friends with any of my friends.

I am very close with my family and friends so it really bothers me. He is happy to visit his mum once a year, sisters or brothers whenever they can be bothered to come over and I am not even talking about him not being interested with who his biological father is (at all) - what I also find unsettling.

Could someone explain to me, if that kind of behaviour is any typical for ex-Family members? or maybe it's completely not connected and it's just who he is?

What other dysfunctional behaviour can I expect from my boyfriend in the future?

thank you
 
Grazyna
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 07:46 am
@Grazyna,
Hi,

I see there was 12 views. If there are any ex members of The Familly, please tell me what can I expect from my boyfriend. He doesnt like to talk at all, and I really dont know what to think , expect from him, do to help him...
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 08:59 am
@Grazyna,
There is a Group here on a2k about the family,

see this link: http://groups.able2know.org/xfamily/

You may have to 'register' to participate, but if I remember right, that just involves putting in your a2k username.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 09:19 am
@Grazyna,
I think you are looking at this relationship all wrong. Your boyfriend is not damaged. Your boyfriend is not defined or explained by his experiences in this group. If you are going to have a healthy relationship with him, then you need to accept that he is no more damaged than you are.

Have you considered that maybe his point of view is valid? If you can't accept his point of view then you are going to continually have problems. You should forget about his past experiences and focus on your relationship. If you start labeling any of his actions you don't like as "dysfunctional" how are you ever going to have a good relationship?

We all come to relationships with different experiences and "baggage". Either partners learn to accept each other or we move on.

The question about what kind of behavior is typical is meaningless. Humans are all different, you can't categorize someone as an "ex-Family" member any more than you can categorize them as "ex-Catholic" or ex-anything.

A healthy relationship means respecting each other warts and all. Appreciate the things you like, either work through or learn to accept the things you don't like.

This is true of any relationship. Trying to pretend that your relationship is different than any other relationship because of something in your partners past is a very bad idea.


Green Witch
 
  3  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 09:28 am
@maxdancona,
Max. do you even know what the poster is talking about? Do you know anything about The Family? I would hardly put the category of "ex-Family" in with "ex-Catholic" - unless perhaps that ex-Catholic suffered from mental and sexual abuse while being forced to practice being a Catholic. Being raised by The Family is similar to being raised in a mental institution and being told you're the one who is not normal. Maybe her boyfriend is fine, but there are also some issues she has a right to be concerned about.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 09:38 am
@Green Witch,
That's irrelevant Green Witch. In my opinion it is a problem if there is not mutual respect and acceptance in a relationship.

Look at it from her boyfriend's point of view. Let's say you had something impactful or even traumatic in your past that you shared with your significant other. Would you want him to be judging things you did based on this? Would you want your partner to consider you "dysfunctional" whenever there was a disagreement?

I don't see how a relationship could work this way.

Her boyfriend's past is his past and he gets to deal with it and interpret it any way he wants. It isn't a girlfriend's role to psychoanalyze or judge behavior under any circumstances. If he really has behavior that he feels is dysfunctional (and his opinion is the only one that matters) then he would go a therapist rather than a girlfriend.

I feel strongly that she should support him if he asks for support, and butt out otherwise. And I feel even more strongly that whatever his past, his point of view is just as valid as hers.

The issue here is their relationship. If she can't accept him then their relationship won't work. Blaming it on whatever group or experience he might have had is meaningless.

0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 10:01 am
Let me clarify a bit.

The OP's complaint is that she wants her boyfriend to be closer to her friends and family. This is a perfectly valid issue. And, it is an issue that is dealt with in millions of couples that have nothing to do with this particular religious group.

They need to deal with it like any other couple deals with it. She needs to express what she needs and she needs to listen respectfully to what her partner needs. She needs to accept his point of view and he needs to accept hers. Then they need to respectfully find the give and take that is core to any healthy relationship.

You can't have a healthy relationship where one partner considers the other partner damaged. Fix-me-up relationships never end well.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 10:20 am
@Green Witch,
Green Witch wrote:

Max. do you even know what the poster is talking about? Do you know anything about The Family? I would hardly put the category of "ex-Family" in with "ex-Catholic" - unless perhaps that ex-Catholic suffered from mental and sexual abuse while being forced to practice being a Catholic. Being raised by The Family is similar to being raised in a mental institution and being told you're the one who is not normal. Maybe her boyfriend is fine, but there are also some issues she has a right to be concerned about.


seriously.

To the OP.

There is someone here who is Ex-Family. Maybe that person will see this, and share/post.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 10:20 am
@chai2,
That is what I'm hoping.
chai2
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 10:21 am
Oh, also, don't pay any attention to max.
He/she is one of our resident "I know everything" people.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 10:31 am
@ossobuco,
Yep, I hope so too.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Oct, 2011 10:45 am
@Grazyna,
Hi Grazyna - click on Groups at the top of the page - it will take you to the area where there are x-Family people to talk to.
Grazyna
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Oct, 2011 02:48 am
@ehBeth,
Thank you guys for your help. I actually thought that whole forum is for Ex Family members.

0 Replies
 
Grazyna
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Oct, 2011 02:54 am
@maxdancona,
Max, I can't agree that if someone doesnt ask for help - than don't need help. I personally think that as a girlfriend, I not only have a right but responsibility to try to help my boyfriend if he has some issues.

I did listen to him , I do know his point of view and ... I dont know how to name it otherwise ( i know it sounds bad and i wish it didnt Smile ) - he just doesnt behave normal. The guy is nice, friendly, yet he has no ability of ... keeping friends? He is very liked at work but outside work he just have no need to see someone for a beer, to visit someone, to talk to someone.

I dont know what do. I know he is not happy about that himself, although he would never say it , but I know that cause i see how sad he gats when i say : U HAVE NOT 1 FRIEND, or I point how he neglect his family.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Oct, 2011 07:07 pm
@Grazyna,
I am sorry Grazyna, but I can tell you from experience that this isn't going to work. You can't fix someone you are in a relationship with. It is simply impossible.

Put yourself in his shoes. What would you say if someone you were dating decided that you weren't living right and then went around trying to figure out how to change you? You would find it very frustrating to have someone you were involved with judging your life, wouldn't you?

I think it is appropriate for you to mention how you feel and maybe suggest he might get help. As a man I would feel even this was an intrusion. After that you should drop it if your partner doesn't want your "help".

Part of being in a healthy romantic relationship is accepting each other as you are right now. If you can't do this than you shouldn't be together. Relationships where one person is trying to fix the other never work. If your relationship fails, don't blame "The Family".

As I said, there are millions of couples that fall apart because one person wants to fix the other person. I don't know for sure, but I would expect that many other ex-Family people would agree with this.

0 Replies
 
 

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