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Mon 10 Oct, 2011 02:12 am
My girlfriend and I have been living together sience April. We tried a couple times to do things, but I messed up not knowing what I am doing. Yes, I am a virgin at 35 because I wanted to save that for someone I loved, not a quickie in the backseat of a car when I was 17.
The one time we nearly did do it all her problems seemed to pounce on her all at once and she had some kind of a break down. Now she barely lets me touch her beyond a hug or a kiss. She says when she is ready she will come to me, that because of the way past boyfriends treated her she has a mental block on it and just can't, why this did not stop the earlyer attempts I am not to sure.
She is scared of being my first. Yes, I know the men will be on here in full force flaming me for keeping it in my pants till I am this old, some women to no doubt. The double standard does seem to apply here, if I was female people would be proud.
To be honest her old boyfriends did treat her bad. One used her for a roof, money, and the occosanal booty call, another would not grow up and another apparently tried to molest her while she was trying to sleep. I understand her problems, not to mention everyones problems of making ends meet. Getting the house she has wanted and so on.
She is not an affectionate person. She will sit at her computer and read stories, not sex stories just different stories. She does not shy away from kisses or hugs, but will not cuddle and will not give me spur of the moment hugs and kisses when we are alone. She will however put an arm around me or lean on me when we are visiting friends as if to say this one is mine, back off.
I have tried to be patient and understanding. I know she loves me, she has said so. She wants me in her life and sees us together years from now. I just want to pull her out of her shell. I am extremely frustrated right now. If I am caring and patient I am a wimp, if I am agressive and try to push at all I am as big of a jackwad as her old boyfriends. I just can't seem to win.
I don't know much in practice about sex, and I can't learn anything at all if she won't show me. I am not the old boyfriends, I will not dump her. The fact I have waited almost seven months now should say something on how I want her, not just her body. People tell me I should leave her because of her hangups and go find someone who is more demonstrative like I want, but I don't know about that. I just don't know what to do here.
@PaulC,
How long were you going out before you moved in together? It strikes me that, perhaps, she's just not ready for this sort of a commitment. And she may not have thought it through, e. g. we are living under the same roof = can't put off sex any longer.
@PaulC,
There are cases where women become indoctrinated in the use of sex as a tool to obtain the security which they seek. There are a lot of men who foster this development in unhealthy relationships.
It kind of sounds like your girlfriend has found herself in the position of having the security without the use of the tool. That would be confusing for her, if she has never had the chance to understand sex in different terms.
If that is the case here, there is no simple answer. Time, of course, will tell.
A lot depends on your willingness to stick it out, as well as her willingness to recognize what is happening.
She may not have a real concept of what love really is.
@PaulC,
I think you are a poster case for a couple that should go see a counselor.
you both seem to care, but you are not on the same page...
good luck, and welcome to a2k.
(good relationships are built on solid communication)
If you take YOUR story out of the equation, you are left with a woman who has some deep issues concerning intimacy.
If you take HER story out of the equation, you see a man who is ready for a full relationship, albeit a little late in life and a little inexperienced. But you are willing and anxious to learn.
Something else is going on here. She likes the relationship nonsexual. Is that going to be enough for you? Because that's what she wants.
Go to counseling together, ASAP.
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