My Friends in College

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Hi, this will be kinda long...I'm sorry about that. If you have the time to read it and feel like doing so...thank you very much.

Last year, some really good friends of mine from my youth group at church (who were two years older than me) went off to college. Three of them (two of which were my "favorite" of their group) went to the same college.

I cannot overstate just how much I love these friends. I first met them when I was in 8th grade going through Confirmation class, and they were sophomores helping out by making the younger kids feel more comfortable. They had a profound impact on me, because I was so stunned that older, "cool" kids, treated me like they thought I was cool. And they included me even more when I went into high school.

It's very important for me to state that before I met them, I didn't have any friends where I live. I moved to the state I live in now about 7 or 8 years ago, and I did not want to leave my old friends behind. I still keep in touch with some of them, but it was very hard at first to not have any friends I could visit with. Eventually I did make some friends, but one by one, after a year or so, they all kind of turned on me. (These were all separate occasions; these friends didn't know each other) Naturally (sorta), this made me very insecure and really lowered my self-esteem (which wasn't that high to begin with), because I figured I must have done something to make them dislike me.

Eventually, after I had lived here for three years, and I was very miserable at the church I went to then (where I had HAD several friends), my mom and I started looking for a different church. And we found the one I'm still at now, where I met my good friends.

They helped me feel so much better about myself. Even though I only got to see them about twice a week (except when we'd all go to youth group events, which could sometimes be several days--those were the HAPPIEST times of my life), those times were extremely important to me. I basically lived from Sunday to Sunday (or Tuesday, whichever days I'd see them on). The energy I'd get from spending time with them would last me until I could see them again. It was seriously what I lived for. I have to say, you could say I was kind of obsessed with them...but hopefully not in a creepy way. I just loved spending time with them; they made me happier than I could ever remember being.

So, back to my point; they're at college, and I miss them TERRIBLY. I think about them every day, and the fun, happy times we had together. Last year, after they left, was a very bad year. I became very down and depressed, to the point of needing therapy (which I really could have used several years ago) and medication. Earlier this year, I could finally consider myself MOSTLY happy. I have up days and down days, but for the most part, I'm okay. Without a doubt, I'm a million times better than I was last year. I can't describe just how miserable I had been.

Anyway, even my best days were nothing to how happy I was this summer, when my friends came back for their break. I spent a lot of time with them, and loved every minute. I was sad to see them go back to college a couple months ago, but thankfully I was more...er, "stable" than I had been the first time they left. I still miss them so much, though.

The reason I'm finally writing this now is, yesterday my youth minister (who went to the same college my three friends I mentioned before are going to now) and I drove up to the college to see our friends and check out the campus (I really think I'll be going there--the main reason is because my friends are there, but I really have done a lot of thinking about it and talked to people, particularly my therapist, who has reassured me that I'm not doing it for the wrong reasons).

I stayed with one of my friends in their dorm (one of my "favorites"--my other favorite was in the room right next door, so I got to see him a lot, too), and I met their friends they'd made in college. They're all really nice and made me feel included. I loved it. It was what I had been missing, and it was exactly what I thought it would feel like--maybe even better.

But earlier today, my youth minister and I left (I really didn't want to, but we had only planned to stay for a day anyway), and ever since then, I've been thinking about my friends...and how I miss them.

I've kept in touch with them through texting and Facebook. They're still always nice to me, and don't treat me any differently than before. But sometimes, when I can't think of anything to text them, I get so..."starved" for some kind of connection with them that I'll look at pictures of them on Facebook, just to see what they've been doing. It's kind of a bad thing, because I see how much fun they're having with their new friends, and I wish so much that I could be there.

When I think about how they're where they are and I'm where I am...it hurts. It actually hurts. I feel like I've never wanted anything as much as I want to be with them. Just being around them makes me happier than I've ever been.

Anyway, I just HAD to get that off my chest. Please don't say I'm weird or crazy...this is so important to me.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 4 • Views: 1,569 • Replies: 6

@J-confused,

I know. Sometimes, we just don't think we should tell people how important they really are to us. Maybe we should, but as your screen name implies, it is confusing.

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These friends are filling a huge need for you - and you need to find out what that is.

What is it about these particular people that you find so wonderful?

You really need to figure this out.

Why? Because they might not always be there for you and you might have to find other people - with these same qualities - to be friends with.

It really is unfair to these people to be so "stuck" on them. You can find their good quallities in other people too. You just have to think about what these qualities are and how they make you feel.

Relax and allow yourself to see the rest of the world and all the people in it.

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@J-confused,

J -

With any luck, life is long and friends inevitably vary. People change their ways or interests, if not their actual selves. Much friendship is opportunistic, who is around at the time - I don't mean that as cynical, as some of those early friendships do last.

I still have a friend from my elementary school. I'm nice and old, so my elementary school was in the later forties and early fifties. Is she a real friend now - yes, I'd still say so, though we have only met a few times in recent decades. On the other hand, she was from a medium large family and that is her prime connection. I was the needy one, only child. We follow each other with the odd email, once a year or so. There is some caring left, I'd still call her friend, but this is all low level, not just sentimental but not much larger.

The people I thought were my friends in high school turned out to be major annoyers - like high school was some kind of cult. I bailed from that in the following years.

I still have three strong friends from my university time. Have seen two of them sort of recently and am in touch with the third via email. The two women understand me well, though what pictures they might draw would probably disagree. We've been through many discussions, know where we differ and agree and what to quibble about, and always have fun in the connection. Both of them have been good to me, one of them housing me when I went through some icky surgery. I can't now remember if they've met. Maybe once - both are animal crazed and garden enthusiasts.

I've friends from where I've worked. Some of us have kept in touch for a long time. This doesn't mean we were all alike. Maybe we became friends because we were so different and liked each other past that.

Online friends can be real.

So, what to say? I understand being lonely changing schools and locations.
My advice? get interested in yourself. You write well. Look around.

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Thank you all so much for all the kind words of understanding and advice. I appreciate it so much.

@roger,
Exactly. I've tried to let them know more subtly (I don't want to come across as clingy or...kinda creepy, considering we normally only saw each other a few times a week), and I've told them that I really look up to them and they've had a big impact on me...but I don't think they really understand just how much they mean to me, just how happy they make me. It seems so simple, just being nice to someone, but it can have a huge affect on their lives.

@PUNKEY,
I've spent a lot of time thinking about what it is about them that I like. I guess, they were the first "older" kids to really make me feel like I was one of them, and their senses of humor and just general attitudes really made me feel...well, happy.

I understand that they won't always be around...they'll graduate college and then I'd be in a very similar to position to where I am now.

But I'm not as worried; after they left, I had to do some growing up; I became more mature, independent, outgoing...a little more confident. I knew I had to work harder to make new friends. I hadn't really had to work to become their friends, because they included me from the beginning, so it was not easy. Last year was a very tough, stressful year, and the main reason was my difficulty with feeling close to friends.

Oh, and something important that I should have said before: When I first thought about going to their college (soon after they left), I was very uneasy about it, and told myself that I probably shouldn't go, because I was afraid that I would just stick with them and not make my own new friends, so that when they graduated, I'd be alone again. But after this year and how far I've come, I honestly feel confident that I can make my own friends, so that if/when I go to their college, I won't just stick with them. Who knows, maybe I'll even make friends that I'll stick with more than them. It's certainly a possibility.

But they're still very important to me. And I'm positive that if i didn't go to their college (which I love anyway, even without them there), I would regret it and obsess over what I'd miss out on. But I feel really comfortable with this, I feel like I can handle being without them, but since I have a chance to grow closer to them, I want to take it.

You're right, it's not fair for me to "stick" to them so much. When I first became their friend, I was very afraid of coming across as the annoying little kid who always wants to hang out with the big kids. So I tried not to push into their group and automatically include myself. But they included me, so I felt more comfortable. But I still do need to be more independent. But I really feel like I can be. Smile

@ossobuco,
Thank you very much. I enjoy writing, it really helps me put things in a better perspective. I understand that everyone changes; I will, my friends will. But I truly believe that we can stay close...and I'm willing to work for it. Maybe I'm more willing than they are (not saying they don't want to be my friend, they just have busier lives than I do, probably), but...well, it's important to me. And...sorry this sounds selfish, but I really think I'm a good friend worth having. Smile

I know we'll all change, but I think the most important things I like about my friends--their kindness and way of making others (like me) feel included and happy--are...what's the word...they're things that are deeply rooted in their personality.

Wow, sorry for rambling...when I get started, it's hard to stop. But thank you all again...talking about this is really helping me look at it in the right way.

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wow, you should become an author of a book or something dude, you have incredible potential! XD

But about your friends, they seem like really great people, so I wouldn't worry about them thinking you're "creepy" or anything XD

Anyways, it's good to do some soul searching once in a while, (heck, I do it all the time XD) so don't worry too much about "rambling", it happens to all of us Wink

lol

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@J-confused,

I really understand that you're missing your friends, the feeling sucks and It feels like you're missing the life you were supposed to have with them. But there is something I learned though a lot of reading, specially books like the power of now, and A new earth. That makes me feel at peace all the time.
The main thing is that you have to really live in the present. There is nothing worse than missing something that was supposed to happen and didn't work out. Just try to accept the fact that you are not going to see your friends much and start focusing in your present life. Look around look for new and amazing people. Because by focusing too much in your other friends you might loose other opportunities that are right in front of you.
With friends we all share a special energy, sometimes it is very strong and sometimes it fades away. There is always the chance of making it strong again. Just try to be cool with it, and accept this stage in life. Look forward because if you don't you wont be living neither your present life nor the one you could have had with your friends at that other college. That is worse than anything.
My advice is to keep in touch with them, keep that friendship going, but stop blowing your head of about the life you are missing out. Start living your own life, look around try to find new people.
Try reading the "power of now", or" a new earth". They are the most amazing books that i have read and they really got me going though really really depressing times specially when i lost members of my family and went to university and lost touch with many of my friends.
Hope this helps

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My Friends in College

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