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Wife had one night lesbian affair with friend

 
 
Paul101
 
Reply Sat 1 Oct, 2011 06:52 am
Last night my wife told me that she had a lesbian one night stand with my mates wife. It happened when we all, including our respective 3 and 7 year old daughters went away for a weekend in a caravan park, we all got drunk i went to bed and as far as i know my mate did too. The girls stayed up and thats when it happened. We've all been friend for about 10 years.
She doesn't see as cheating and has said that she does not regret it. As we talked. For about 4 hours she started to realise that despite my typical male bravado talking positively about not been bothered if she had a lesbian fling....joking macho crap of course, she was surprised that was so upset.
I want to move on but it seams to me that she needs more than me despite her trying to assure me that it had been a fantasy she had to fulfil and will never be repeated...I am quite a strong character and no where near as tactile as my wife. I love her, and thought after 12 years of great marriage, notwithstanding the odd wobbler, That we really had something special, trust, understanding, as well as a good sexual relationship....is my head up my arse and am I kidding myself that my wife can be monogamous and happy with just me?
 
Ragman
 
  0  
Reply Sat 1 Oct, 2011 06:55 pm
@Paul101,
Get her to log on and we can ask her.

Seriously, for gawdsake ... ask her. But do understand that affair WAS cheating. The fact that it was with a woman is not relevant. It still WAS cheating.

Asking others here ultimately won't help you with your marital problems. Only her opinion and your's is what matters here.

If you both want to solve this problem...go to couple's therapy..or find something or some way to get to the root of the problem..not the surface. She's not satisified sexually or that affair never would have happened.
parados
 
  1  
Reply Sat 1 Oct, 2011 07:50 pm
@Paul101,
Quote:
I want to move on but it seams to me that she needs more than me despite her trying to assure me that it had been a fantasy she had to fulfil and will never be repeated.

So if she assured you it was just fulfilling a fantasy and would never be repeated why do you think she needs more than just you?

Did she say that?
Are you just imagining she thinks that because you are so hurt by it having happened?
0 Replies
 
Paul101
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2011 04:08 pm
@Ragman,
I have asked her, it's not like she gonna admit she needs more than me is it?

I guess it's only time to forgive and to move on.......the trust has gone though, and not looking forward to the images I think I'm gonna get when we get physical....how do you get it out of your mind?
gustavratzenhofer
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2011 04:11 pm
I would forgive her. She seems like a nice person and her friend seemed to like her, so, what the hell ....... let it go.


0 Replies
 
gustavratzenhofer
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2011 04:12 pm
And as far as struggling with getting the images out of your mind --- wouldn't that enhance them? Am I being old-fashioned?
0 Replies
 
MMarciano
 
  2  
Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2011 04:13 pm
@Paul101,
Well if the trust is gone as you state then it sounds like you have made up your mind, probably best to move on. What’s a relationship if you don’t have trust?
0 Replies
 
gustavratzenhofer
 
  2  
Reply Sun 2 Oct, 2011 04:15 pm
So we all agree that Paul should move on? Great! Another thread concluded. Time to move on to another thread. More people to save.
Paul101
 
  0  
Reply Mon 3 Oct, 2011 09:00 am
@gustavratzenhofer,
Thanks if life were only as simple as your insight wouldn't it be great!
I am guessing your missus has nevercheted on you.

engineer
 
  3  
Reply Mon 3 Oct, 2011 09:16 am
@Paul101,
If you turn to the Internet for advice, you can expect to get some snarky answers along the way. That said, do you think your wife has an emotional investment in this other person? If so, you are toast. If not, your relationship is fine. Long term as long as you meet your wife's emotional needs, she is going to stay put even if her desire for a little action on the side is not met. Like all spouses who have been cheated on, don't forget to check for STD's.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Oct, 2011 08:12 pm
Are you still associating with this couple?
0 Replies
 
frankm
 
  -1  
Reply Sat 7 Oct, 2017 09:40 am
@Paul101,
Are you nuts? I would love my wife to have a lesbian affair--told her many times. That would be a great turn on. No, I would not have to watch but I'd sure like to. Don't let your ego get in the way of her pleasure and desires.
0 Replies
 
H2Ogirl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Oct, 2017 09:29 am
@Paul101,
ASK HER if she is ok with the monogamous relationship you have now.

As for the night with her friend, that WAS cheating. She did cheat on you no matter which way you look at it. And that might be something you need to think about on wether or not you want to stay with someone who completely betrayed your trust.
0 Replies
 
bigmike43
 
  0  
Reply Sat 14 Oct, 2017 03:59 am
@Paul101,
Ok I was just fishing but, I once asked my wife what the chances were of bringing an other woman into the bedroom. To my surprised she said ok but, next we bring in an other man after that. Touche' so I never brought that up again. She was right, whats good for the goose....that said dude she cheated physically and emotionally .The fact they were friends so long means they are close and have a deep connection, however I total see how it happened. I once had a similar thing happen to me . my best friend came-on to me and we were messed up and I was curious, and it happened I don't regret it but, I was split from my wife at the time tho ....Im sure this is all that was it was just sex. Now ask yourself would you rather it been your mate...NO.. now you 2 have more in common and can get closer and maybe ...who knows paybacks a Bitch or not. but she says she not sorry is not all bad dude she told you she didnt have too she wants a 3 way or 4 way if you and your mate can be cool. really only option left and trust me the girls want and have talked about it. hope this helped.
0 Replies
 
KimDP
 
  0  
Reply Fri 24 Nov, 2017 03:35 pm
@Paul101,
Imagine some woman's husband cheating with another woman's husband while they're on vacation with their kids and her being okay with it to feel more feminine. We would say she has low self-esteem, wouldn't we? Just because you enjoy lesbian porn doesn't make it acceptable for your wife to cheat on you with women. Lot's of women love watching gay (man on man) porn, but almost none will find it okay for their husband's to cheat with men behind their back, especially not a friend's husband! If you entered into a monogamous relationship then she should stay loyal...the person's gender she cheated with is irrelevant.

Beyond me how you're not furious about this, especially considering the kids were there...

I know they weren't THERE there, but they were there on the family trip where this occurred...which means it's strange to get in the mood to shtoop another chick while on a family friendly vacation!!!
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Nov, 2017 04:19 pm
@Paul101,
Some men see it as cheating, some don't. Some think they don't, and find out they do (mind / think it's wrong). Neither is right or wrong - you feel what you feel towards such events.

I notice that you didn't call it cheating. You avoid the word, and phrase your upset as 'she doesn't need only me'.

Have you asked her why she didn't consider it cheating? (that she was fulfilling a fantasy doesn't at all answer why she doesn't consider it cheating)

-----------------------
Looking at one angle:

It's extremely rare the married man who has never done one of the follow:
- looked at another woman and gone 'wow, she's gorgeous'
- oh I wish I could
- watched a porn movie while in relationship
....but just because they've done that, doesn't mean they've wanted to act on that attraction to the other sex (or same if so inclined). Why? (because they are committed...and committment is about values, beliefs, and actions)

-------------------------------
And from another angle:

For for her needing more than you (or not) - it is extremely rare, over the course of the marriage, for any person not to need more than their spouse. Why? Because there must be something to override genetics (the physical attraction we feel to the other sex).

Genetics does not switch off when we find a partner. The attraction we feel to the other sex always exists...unless other influences stop it. Those can (there's an emphasis on can)include:
- love (which can preclude attraction to others)
- beliefs (which can lead to avoiding thoughts of others)
But does not include:
- committment (which, as one part, is a dedication the other partner, despite attraction to others)

If you read between the line on 'love' precluding attraction to others, it usually only occurs (and not always) when in the 'in love' stage. No marriage has that for the whole duration. When it doesn't, other things are needed.

The other things lead us to not consider / not acknowledge / avoid our attraction to others (which usually means the attraction never grows), and so, dedication our love and devotion to the one partner. I don't know that anyone can say for certain that it ever truly stops a person being attracted to others.
-----------------------------

All that blather (and it can be gone into in a lot of detail) basically means that 'she needs only me' rarely, and perhaps never exists throughout the entire duration of a marriage. What 'she needs only me' usually consists ofi is 'what love she feels for her man' combined with her beliefs / values / fears/ actions etc.

I hope it helps some with perspective / understanding, and that your time here helps with alleviating some of the pain. Personally, these sorts of things should be dealt with through a counsellor, who can throw questions at you (though psychology is as much art as science, which means there are plenty of poor counsellors / psychologists out there)

0 Replies
 
Floochi
 
  -2  
Reply Mon 14 Dec, 2020 09:28 am
@Ragman,
How can you understand the mind of a woman?
Or a man!
0 Replies
 
Juicy
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 17 Dec, 2020 03:29 am
Your wife did a very bad thing. And what surprises me the most is that she doesn't feel guilty. Does it make a difference with whom she cheated? Man or woman, it's still cheating.
It's hard to imagine how difficult it is for you now.
I understand that you want to keep the family, you have children. I wonder if your wife wants the same.
Because I know from personal experience that most people who once betrayed and did not feel guilty about it, continued to do so.
I hope you will not have such a situation.
0 Replies
 
 

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