Second Chance

Good morning, yes it is even if it does not feel like it right now.

I read your other thread and did not comment as I had just joined and was instead reading to get a feel of people first.

I would like to just say that maybe it is too soon to just file, period. You know from what you said this whole situation was a long time in the making, you did not both just get up a week ago and say well yesterday we had a problem let us solve it. If it took years to get to here then it may take a long time to get past here too. Not impossible if you wish to change it. I am not opposed to people who can not work things out going their own ways if they have done the work to try to fix it as otherwise it seems to haunt them.

It is going to take time to work on this one and to show rather than say what you are willing to do.....and it is going to hurt like hell while sorting through it. That is not such a bad thing as it means that it is real in the sense of doing the deep feelings rather than the surface ones. You are both hurting right now. Sorting through a marriage tends to bring out all and that is the work you are doing now.

It really appears that you love this lady and if that is the case then keep working on it and do not file, find some help from outside to help you sort through it all as a couple is possible and if that is not then for yourself as if you do not you may regret that someday.

I hope all works out for you both and shall include you both in my thoughts.

Bud
I wish you both the very best ;-)

Nicely said, Heat.

Bud, I know I keep beating this drum, but what about joint counseling? It really seems to me like the ingredients are two people who basically love each other but have each been deeply hurt and who are now (this part is mostly her) taking out their hurt in destructive ways. Those ingredients, plus a helpful counselor who can help guide the process, have a lot of hope.

At the very least, it seems like you can get off of the rollercoaster of "I love her, but I can't stand this any more, but I love her, but she's driving me crazy, but what about the kids..." etc. Counseling can help you decide how to best end the relationship, too, if that is what is called for.

Good luck to you, fmbud.


Welcome, Heat.

I can not get her to agree to anything more that ,
"I will stay and watch to see changes". She will not do couples counciling, but she will continue to see hers and I will see mine.
She did agree to date one night a week without kids. I told her to tell me the night and I will arange the sitter and what we will do, ans she smiled. I know I love her, and I don't want to give up.
If she is using me for finances, or whatever, I will continue until I can no longer give. Then if things do not work, I know I tried my best. I did make a promise to her that I will put her number 1, I know I have not in the past. Either she accepts my changes or she will not, but I will know I did my best.

Thanks to all, I will see you on other post. This is a great board of caring people.

Second Chance
I admire your efforts to change and think that you are on the right track. I am sorry that you are going thru all of this and hope that it all works out for the best. It is always good to say that you gave something important your all. I know that I feel that way about things that I have done in my life. I have peace of mind when I know that I tried my hardest and did my best. I am a believer in second chances and sometimes even more than that. It just depends on the situation and the circumstances as to whether or not I will give them.

I just can not win. I asked he last night what night she would like me to schedule our date night that she agreed to, she got mad and said that I am bulling her. Fine I got up out of bed and went to the living room to study for my Lt's test at work.
This morning she tells me that I do not deserve anything other than to go to work and make money for the family. She said there is 10 years of hurt that she is dealing with and she can not date me right now.
She is fine with me working my full time job at the fire dept, 24 on 48 off, working about 15 hours or so on my days off, and doing eveything around the house. I am tired of it. I cooked a meatloaf, mashed potatoes, ect last night, she never even said thanks or anything, just her normal push me away. I am frustrated and thanks for letting me vent.

Bud
Unfortunately, I had a feeling that this was going to happen. She doesn't sound very stable as she is all over the place here. She's got that me me me attitude and she's got you going up and down like a yo yo. You need to find some happiness in your life. This just isn't fair for you to be constantly walking around on eggshells.

(((hug)))

For her to tell you that you don't deserve anything other than going to work to make money for the family has to be the most selfish thing I've ever heard and to say that you are bullying her because you asked her for a date is absurd.

I'm sorry, Bud.

I'm sorry too Bud :-(

Fireman - Here's a fine quote from the mystic Vernon Howard:

"People accept weeds as flowers when they haven't learned the difference."

Perhaps some objectivity needs to be worked on. She said something she should not of in anger and that is a given. The only problem with that being that when people are angry or hurt they do not fight fair, even spouses. That is a given. She told you something really important in that she has ten years to work through.

If you were being objective, you would if someone told you for example about the dinner you cooked and the result, look at them and say what? May I ask in ten years how many times did she make a dinner and you do exactly what she did that evening.

You also stated that she said this the next morning. That was after she told you how she felt about a date and you got up and went and studied. Being objective I would say why instead did you not just say ok can understand that even though it is hard to but can you instead think about it and when you feel ready make a date time or let me know and I will make one for us. Instead of her saying what she felt and being left alone in bed to still feel crappy about not only feeling that way but saying it and then being left alone.....again.

She told you something important that she has 10 years of hurt. You have decided now that you wish to make it work, well for the last 10 years that was not what she felt. You not only have to hear that part you have to understand that part. What she said hurt and it was meant to as that is what she felt at the time and probably all those years that you were working and not home.

I am not trying to take a side and I do feel that your situation is heartbreaking. If you posted tomorrow that you left I would post that I was sorry that it came to that and be sincere but I also feel that to simply give out I am sorry to read this and to say well gee she is wrong is not right nor is it fair to you, not objective is not a help to anyone period. In real time as a friend I would of said to you what I have put here.

I posted earlier that it was going to hurt a whole lot before it had any hope of getting better or resolving and that is exactly what happened with this situation you posted about. It does not mean that it has to be all negative it means that you have to not only listen but try to understand why in order to resolve it. It is hard to be objective when in the middle of it and that I do understand which is why I have posted this. I am objective as I read what you feel and what she reacts to.

If your wife for example had of posted the outline of family life before you started to work on the changes and said that she had lived like that for 10 years and could not stand it, the board would of responded that no one should live in a marriage like that for 10 years. Fix it or leave, instead she also stayed, instead you are both still in it for the years so that means there is still hope with work to fix it. But that is on couple time not on your time frame or hers. As hard as that is.

I hope you can understand why I have written this post and know that it is written with the very best of intentions as time can heal only if you give the time to heal.

Wecome Heat!
I've found your comments very interesting.
(Oh, & I LOVE your avatar. Beautiful! )

Well I have decided it is time for me to find my own place. All she talks about is the past, not all the great changes since Dec 01. I asked her if she would commit to rolling up her sleves and working on our marriage and she said " I Can't". She said she spoke to an Atty. allready. I am tired of not being treated with respect. I have put my all into my marriage and fell I did my best for the past few months.

Time for you to talk to an attorney, Bud. Sorry to hear it. You'd better find out your rights and the best way to progress from here, whether it leads to reconciliation, separation or divorce. You need some good legal advice right now. Trust me, I've been there.

I have an appiontment for 10am. It is killing me to do this.....

I wouldn't move out til I talk to the attorney...

Been there too, aggggghhhh.

I'm so sorry Bud :-(