Depressed about mother

I am sorry that you have all these mixed feelings about your mother. It hurts when the person who is supposed to love and take care of you does not do that.

I wonder if you realize (from your description) how sick she is. Perhaps you can forgive her if you find out about schizophrenia or bi-polar or alcoholism. It sounds like she was victim of one or more of these conditions.

My mother and dad were alcoholics. There were times I hated them. I, too, suffered from their "hold" on me as they got older and I had to take care of them in their sick and old days.

After finding out how they were raised, I immediately forgave them. They never had the chance to learn how to be a good parent, after going thru what they did.

No one gives lessons on how to be a parent and some people just can't or don't have the energy or means to do that.

I hope that you will "break the chain" and become another kind of person, rather than victim of your dysfunctional upbringing. Forgive your parents and move on to become the kind of person you want to be.

Find another "mother" figure at church or in another setting. There are all kinds of older women who would love to nurture you.

Thanks for your reply Punkey. These emotions rear their head when I'm feeling low or stressed etc. I'm just not sure what to do about her. I don't know if I should try to find her or not. I seem to live with guilt not helping her or something. Then I'm not sure if she wants anything to do with me anymore.

I'm sure she has a mental illness too and I do forgive her. I'm worried about protecting myself. If she's narcissistic then that worries me the most. The whole thing when it kicked off (her running away) some really difficult psychological things came up that I found myself faced with. Psychological and emotional that took a lot out of me. I don't think of her every day at work like I used to. I've moved on a bit.

I would not follow Punkey's advice, not because there's anything inherently wrong with it, but because the chances are very slim it will be effective.

We all seem to share a history of growing up in dysfunctional families with damaging parents.

In my case, as in yours, my mother was the worst offender, and in my case as in yours I strongly suspect that a mental illness was involved (although to what degree alcohol caused or exacerbated the mental illness I can't say).

Like you I would often say words to the effect of "I love my mother but..."

Without going into details, at the point when our relationship was in its greatest state of ruin and destruction I asked myself if in fact I actually did love my mother.

There was a time, before I was 10, when I had every reason to love her dearly and I did, but after 30 years of a twisted and hurtful relationship I felt it was appropriate to reassess my feelings, and you know what? I came to the conclusion that no, I did not love her. Whatever real love is, as opposed to psychological and biological bindings, it had been extinquished long before.

What was driving my continued engagement with her were those bindings, habit, unrealistic hope, and guilt. How could I not love my mother? What sort of person doesn't love their mother. It's OK to dislike you mother and even, at times, to hate her, but to not love her?

There was nothing I could receive from an ongoing relationship with my mother other than poison and pain, and, as importantly, there was nothing I could give but anger. Over 30 years I had exhausted patience, hope, sympathy and, I realized, love. Other personal relationships as well as my health had suffered as a result of this toxic exposure.

Although I was almost ready I just couldn't cut the bindings, couldn't let go of the feeling that there had to be more I could do to turn her life around and even if there wasn't, it was my duty as her son to not abandon her. All the poison was just the price I had to pay to be a good person.

I tried one more time to talk to her, but of course she was drunk. There was never a time when she wasn't, but I let it all out. Not with anger or disgust but with pleading desperation. I told her I knew she loved me and I knew she needed help but I had to see some sign that she understood what I was feeling; that she actually wanted my help and my love.

She rose up out of the tangled sheets of the bed in which she was laying and turned to me with drooping mouth and heavy lidded eyes and said

"You son of a ****! You think you're so wonderful!"

In restrospect I'm surprised I didn't punch her in the face (seeing that look of a drunken hag usually raised my anger close to that point), but instead I barked a chopped laugh. It was absurdly funny, the way insanity can be. I got up, left the room and saw her again only one time when my nephew got married. We didn't speak and I had long been cut from the will, but I couldn't care less.

Whether or not this describes an option for you, I've never looked back and so if it may be, I urge you to consider it.

The one downside is that I've learned it's possible to send an otherwise important person in your life into the void. At first it seems its impossible but once you are able to do it, it becomes too easy to do so....and, unfortunately with people who don't deserve it.

It's like a secret weapon and you have to be very careful how you use it.

But that's Life right? No easy answers.

My brother and sister chose the more conventional and less satisfying route of remaining enthralled by our sick bitch of a mother. We have great relationships today because they don't begrudge my choice...in fact I think they wish they had followed it.

Now that's she's passed on (and in a most horrfic manner that suited her life's narrative) we're all back to square one except that I have had 30+ years of peace.

Bottom line: You need to decide what is best for you relative to an ongoing relationship with your mother, but you should not feel that you haven't any choices. The best choice for you may be one which others cannot accept, but then they haven't lived your life.

Your mother was sent to you by your genes, and not as a test of your morality by God.

Good luck.

The above two ways of coping are really not that different.

I encourage understanding and forgiveness. I did not encourage trying to make it work. In fact, leaving toxic relationships is the best thing one can do, especially with a family member, to keep our own sanity.

You can do this with anger or with love. The choice is yours. But, yes, I do recommend putting the relationship into perspective and allowing a little into your life - whatever you want. Or none at all.

It's called detachment, and it can be done with love.

Bottom line is: when they are lowered into the ground, can we say to ourselves, "I did my part. They chose not to accept my love. So be it' ?

Nods to Finn.

(Nuts, this agreeing has got to stop.)

I think way too much importance is placed on 'family'. I don't want to type out a chapter on it, but think about why you feel guilt, responsiblity, etc. I have a very detached mother, but we sisters are pretty much a collective. My mother doesn't get invited to events because eventually, everyone got sick of her games, lectures, holier-than thou stuff... I still talk to my mother, as do two others (4 don't), but it's not a regular thing. I see her as a distant auntie or a neighbour. She's never been a real 'mom' to me or anyone else in my family, so... we give her what's due her. So you might try to look at your relationship in a detached way and try to see it for what it is... no guilt attached.

Not looking to argue with you Punkey, but the way I described is not the way of anger. It is the way of disassociation and the elimination of emotion, or as you put it, detachment.

I don't believe I could have achieved such detachment and maintained a sense of love. Perhaps I don't know enough about love, but I doubt it really can be done.

Many thanks for all your replies everyone. It really does help putting a different perspective on things and to feel I'm not on my own with some of these experiences.

My mum isn't an alcoholic, but there's definitely some kind of psychological problem. This is what haunts me. I believe it was her upbringing and wonder what she experienced growing up. She mainly came across as a depressive.

She mainly argued all the time at home and it got much much worse with age. She'd hug strangers and seemed to believe everyone else was ok except me and my father. She seems to have this need to love strangers. She tells me I'm horrible and even though I'm her daughter she doesn't like me.

She believes someone she has met for 5 minutes is wonderful rather than her own family that cares for her. Funnily, whilst divorcing my father she never once asked how I was during the 2 telephone conversations they had. She was more interested in telling my father how wonderful her solicitor's young secretary was. She's told her sister that she is not proud of me (why not I don't know), which astounded my auntie to the point where she fought my corner. I just can't put my finger on what causes this in her. I try to work out what causes someone to be extremely argumentative and agressive and I can't work it out. She'd slap me in the face, shout and scream to the point of madness. Looking back it truely was awful!

It puts me off seeing her.......(reliving it again). Maybe I'll get past all this guilt for not contacting/finding her. I'll probably give it one last shot one day when I'm strong enough.

The problem with this whole thing is that you are trying to live with an ideal fabricated relationship between you and your mother which doesn't exist and might not ever. You can't do that without getting hurt in the process. If you expect things to be a certain way and they don't end up that way, you will have problems. You should just face it head on how it really is and not to expect it to be any particular way.

A relationship needs to have input from both ways, not just one way. If one person is always giving in the relationship there will be a fall out eventually because healthy relationships are not one sided.

So you chasing after your mother who doesn't want to actually face you is only going to make you more miserable. Face the reality as it is, that you got robbed out of a mother, but life happens that way sometimes and it's not your fault. It doesn't make it any easier but you have to face it for what it is or else you'll just keep tearing open this wound and it will never heal or worse you might carry out the same behavior with your own children.

Sarah - don't feel as though you HAVE to do anything.

Your mother has shown that she is incapable of having a quality relationship with you (she may be jealous of you or you remind her of herself - who knows) For sure, her outbursts are indicative of mental illness.

Just know that you tried and that's enough. Don't spend a lot of time on THIS relationship.

Maybe there might be some nice ladies at church or some other place who would love to have you as a daughter figure to them. Get your "mommy" needs somewhere else. I did some years ago and befriended some elderly ladies who enjoyed my attention.