I really don't know what to do

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I got married June of this year to a wonderful man. Things have been rough to say the least even before we got married. I had been the only one working after he got laid off, he lost his apartment and moved in with me, and we became the primary parents of his nine year old daughter, all before we were married! I really wrestled with the idea of marrying him because so many people told me not too and because myself I had reservations. I always dreamed of having someone that would take care of me and I always dreamed that I would be the first person to have children for my spouse. Well, none of that has happened. He just started working this month, and we have ended up taking mom to court over custody of the child. It is gettting really ugly and really expensive. I've had to file bankruptcy, have lost a few friends, and have been going through the ringer since before we were married. But, I still married him. I love him. He's a great person and a great father. Just not necessarily what I envisioned for my life.

My fiance from years ago is really pressuring me to get back together. After all these years, I have honestly never stopped loving him. The circumstances of our breakup (him inpregnating someone while we were engaged) has always been the wedge that kept us from getting back together. I still very much love him and have never stopped. When he found out I got married, he was upset, but told me that he was willing to do whatever it took to get me back. We were 18 and 22 then, but that was 6 years ago. I believe that we could make things work, but I do still love my husband. Financially and emotionally things have been hard in my marriage. It's been a lot to digest and at times I feel like I've been cursed with bad luck.

I really don't know what to do. Should I stay in my marriage or should I end it, cut the losses, and move to working things out with the ex?

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 1,723 • Replies: 15

[+3] - CalamityJane - 09/09/2011[quote]It's been a lot to digest and at times I feel like I've been cursed with bad luck.[/quote] No, you're not cursed with bad luck, but you have made foolish decisions you should not have....

You made vows.

Life never ends up the way you dream it.

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@chai2,

Quote:

You made vows.

Correct me if I'm mixing you up with someone else, Chai and correct me if I don't get the quote accurate:

Chai2: [in another thread] I left my former husband for my present husband.

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@nene18,

I wonder if you'd be feeling this way if the ex hadn't shown up.

It didn't work then, it probably wouldn't work now. He sounds like a heel anyway, getting another girl pregnant when you were engaged. That's pretty awful.

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@JTT,

I think it's really tacky to bring up posts from other threads and apply them out of context. You don't know anything about Chai's first marriage, neither do I and neither does the OP. Quit being so judgmental.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Ditto - pretty much every girl has a "perfect" imagine of her future husband and family and life together.

But that ain't real life. Real life has real life problems. Do you really think this problems would go away if you married this former boyfriend? There was a reason you split with him.

Just remember this - the grass always seems greener....

You will have problem and challenges whomever you are married to - work on your marriage first.

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@JTT,

Yes I did.

I wasn't the one to break the vows. I was the one that left because they had been broken.
It was, in brief, a marriage that should never have taken place in the first place, because he was not the person he represented himself to be.
I found out after the fact the person I made vows to did not actually exist.

Hope that helps.

1 Reply

@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

I think it's really tacky to bring up posts from other threads and apply them out of context. You don't know anything about Chai's first marriage, neither do I and neither does the OP. Quit being so judgmental.

Well, I could see how it could be tacky. But in this case I didn't take offense at it.
I gather the OP knew about the child, the mother of the child, the chance someone could lose a job, etc. etc.

She wasn't kept in the dark and walked into this with full knowledge.
Makes a difference.

Thanks for your concern though, really.

1 Reply

@chai2,

It does indeed, Chai.

I was mistaken, badly, in what I perceived as hypocrisy. Please accept my apologies.

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You said you love your husband. All this chaos won't last forever (will it??) so see if you can hang in there until the dust settles. You knew what his baggage was when you married him. So take a good view of what's ahead and what he is doing to make things right.

Re: the boyfriend from the past. He IS the past. Sometimes that is viewed as the 'good ole days.' He let you down then, and time has passed, so keep focused on the future. I have a feeling that he also has huge baggage with him.

In the meantime, you need to look at why you gravitate to men whose lives are complicated and who cannot bring anything to the table in the relationship (except mistakes from the past.) No way can either of these men "take care" of you, which you said was what you wanted.

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@chai2,

I don't think it was out of context, just to add my two cents to this non-issue. Completely in context. JTT wanted to know why you were throwing stones, but your explanation indicates you weren't, so I hope JTT is satisfied. I wasn't aware JTT was the 'stone-throwing' police. I'd better watch my p's and q's around him.

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A guy that tells you, a married woman, that he will do whatever it takes to get you back is a complete jerk in my humble opinion. And you should tell him so and stay far away from him. You are married and should be working to make that work, not imagining how things might have been different or might be better if you made a change.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

Quote:

A guy that tells you, a married woman, that he will do whatever it takes to get you back is a complete jerk ... .

He is a jerk, unless he means it, and lives it until he breathes his last breath.

[of course, with the caveat that 'whatever' doesn't include criminal behavior]

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@Mame,

Quote:

I wasn't aware JTT was the 'stone-throwing' police.

Just a lowly, flat foot beat cop, Ma'am.

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@nene18,

Quote:

It's been a lot to digest and at times I feel like I've been cursed with bad luck.

No, you're not cursed with bad luck, but you have made foolish decisions
you should not have. There were enough red flags up before you got married, why did you anyway? You were dreaming of being taken care of and your husband had no job which meant, you pretty much were the bread winner.

Now your old fiance - who betrayed you and fathered another child while
engaged to you, comes back and you're about to enter "cursed bad luck"
again.

If you don't know what you want, you don't know what to do and everything you're getting yourself into, will be a disaster waiting to happen.

Grow up and assess your life and find out what you really want in life - realistically and live accordingly.

0 Replies

@nene18,

Nene, it's the old case of settling, you were 24 or 28 years of age, and decided to "settle" with someone honestly, that you truly don't love, he's just a great guy.

When the going gets tough in love, you band together, it's life and you re-build, not feel sorry that you lost it all, if you feel that , you are not in love.

Will your "ex" look after you? Or are you going to believe that both people look after each other? You need to stand on your own two feet in life

In my opinion, you married for all the wrong reasons... You need to be honest to your husband, he's trying to win custody of his child, probably can't do that if you two aren't married....

The mere fact you are thinking of your ex-fiance suggests that you will walk at some point, as your wants are based on being cared for and not having anyone elses child...

I therefore think you do know what you are going to do..

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I really don't know what to do

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