Which way from here

So here I am back again and unable to sleep. Our 'walk away' period is over, so much for avoiding each other. I asked her what she thought about flirting during the period we are arguing or walking away. She said she doesnt flirt with anyone offline, and online its only innocent flirting which is just joking around. I disapproved of her innocent flirting and we had an argument. I am not sure what to do about it. If she even joke flirts, it does make me wonder if she is looking for something she is not finding in our 'relationship'. It also makes me wonder if she will continue flirting and if it might become more serious with time, the seeds of doubt I think. I am not sure what is the best thing to do right now or the best way of telling her to stop flirting. Am I being too possessive ? Perhaps someone here might have some useful suggestions.

crash: thank you for your reply. With the new stuff, I am not sure what to do. Perhaps you are right I should break it up. Not sure if it is the best thing, I dunno.

Yes, you are being way too possessive.

Good Morning Montana

Can you please elaborate on my being too possessive ? ( feel free to be blunt )

Another thing I should mention is that when we started getting close, her opinion(as well as mine) about flirting was that flirting, even innocent flirting, is a bad idea when one is close to someone, since it can lead to doubts and insecurities, which can harm a relationship. At that time it only added to my ability to trust and respect her. Now she thinks innocent flirting is ok, that is an about turn on her past stands. Maybe I was annoyed because of her change in opinion instead of being possessive or in addition to being possessive. But it is perhaps true that when we argue, we arent 'close' at that moment or for days when we are away, and for those times her 'no flirting when' stand isnt applicable.

Good morning to you.

Well, I suppose I'm looking at it in the sense that you've never met her. I know of long distance relationships that work very well, but they actually travel back and forth to see eachother. I can't see how you can call eachother boyfriend and girlfriend when you haven't even met. Ok, you say that you've had an internet relationship with her for over a year, but when it comes to really knowing someone on the net it takes a very long time. For example, there are some members here at A2K that I've known for 4 years and to this day there are so many things I don't know about them. In fact, there is someone here that I could easily see myself getting involved with, but as much as we are good friends, I couldn't see myself having a committed relationship with him on line without ever meeting him and having a relationship off line as well.

Anyway, my point is that you haven't even met her and you are worried about her flirting a bit on the net and that is not a good thing, in my opinion. When you say she's flirting, can you give me an example of how she is flirting?

I'm with Montana. Getting possessive about someone's screen time is kinda out there when you have never met face to face.

IMO, you're both (you and her) taking this "relationship" waaay too seriously. Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, and demanding perfect and unconditional loyalty from someone you have never been in the same state, let alone room, with is a recipe for disaster.

You've never even been on a date and I'm sorry, but you are not boyfriend and girlfriend if you have never, ever been together. Sorry to be blunt here, but declaring yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend in front of a chat room isn't anywhere near the same planet as being together in person, spending time together, going out on the town and showing the world that you're together, etc.

What you have is an online flirtation with some deep conversations. Nothing more. Sorry to burst your bubble, but unless you plan to meet, and you actually get there, you can't call it anything but that.

You said blunt was okay, and I am deeply sorry if I have hurt you, but you (and she) need to realize that this isn't a real relationship, no matter how many times and different ways you call it that. It's a flirtation. It's nice. It's fun. It's safe and doesn't require any risks.

But true relationships require risks. I don't mean risking sexually transmitted diseases, I mean risking your heart.

Yup.

Just curious -- if you met, and it went well, what would happen then? Would you be able to carry on a long-distance relationship, with travel? Is moving any kind of an option?

If the answer is "absolutely not", then not worth it to meet, IMO. Just end it, chalk it up to experience, move on.

If the answer is "yes" or "maybe", I think you should meet, already. There are a few reasons:

1.) If you actually start to go ahead with it, and one or the other of you balks, that tells you something. As Jes gets at, I think there may be some major intimacy issues here. Having all of America between you and your paramour is a great way to avoid real intimacy.

2.) There may be absolutely no chemistry. Easier to say, OK, we're not right for each other.

3.) Aside from chemistry, you may look at her, talk to her, and say, "Who is this person?" Much better for closure than always wondering.

Florida-Washington is doable, especially with airfares these days. I have known a few international online romances, those are really daunting. (But people still meet.)

Basically, my take is break up or meet. Period.

Good luck!

You have to meet face-to-face. No other option, really.

How else will you ever know if you're really in love with each other, or just in love with the romance of it all? Online relationships can be intensely romantic. Perhaps you're hooked on that.

I'm sorry, but it's not much of a "relationship" if you've never met. And being jealous of someone you've only talked to over the phone is ridiculous...you should be worrying about a girl you can actually hug, kiss, and do things with.
Like sozobe said, is it an option to have a long distance relationship-can you travel, or move? If not, you're wasting energy on this.

Slappy adds a surprisingly sweet commentary! Wow. But, I wouldn't goes as far as to say that online relationships aren't real. They're just different.

Pocket wrote:


He lives on the other side of the world. We couldn't even get past that to thinking about the possibility of 'being together'.

That's more like it.

(((Pocketfulofmars)))

Your "pain" is very apparent. If I may add my two cents also....

Okay, so you would rather have your partner not flirt at all. This may be what you want, but not necessarily what you are going to get. We all want to feel special and like we are the only one our lover has eyes for, but the truth is, your partner's eyes have a right to explore whatever or whoever it is around them, as do you.

Being in a relationship never means that you own your partner or can start changing things about them, which is why it is so essential that you study your partner's personality, attitudes and habits while you are still in the dating process and before you decide to have an official relationship. Since you have not met each other in person....you have not been able to do that.

Being attracted to other people does not necessarily mean that your partner wants to go and cheat on you with all those people. Being attracted to others could mean that your partner is simply acknowledging the good looks that another person carries and stops it at that point. Attraction does not always create a temptation to cheat and you should allow your security to grow on that fact.

Until you meet......you can not even begin to "make better" those things that bother you...for they are hidden behind a veil. That veil, being your monitor. If you think you are in love....follow the advice given you on here and set up a meeting.

On a lighter note.....have you ever watched a baby when they see something pleasing to their eyes or ears? They will kick their feet and arms and start to coo till they start spitting little bubbles out of their mouth. Their eyes will light up and they will form a grin almost as big as their tiny face. They are just reacting to something that pleases them. But if you have watched them ...they almost get a flirtacious look in their little eyes. Of course they aren't being flirtacious......they are just exibiting a common reaction inbred within them. My point being....if it pleases the eye there will most likely be some sort of reaction albeit innocent.

Jealousy is normal to a point.....but can also be very ugly and has killed many a relationship.

Just my thoughts.....good luck

~Brooke

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

First a general comment:
I think online relationships are as real as the people involved in it make it. If she and I treat us as real, even though we havent met, then I see no reason why all that we have/had online is not real and cannot be translated to offline as well (when the time comes). Any relationship is as real and as serious as the people involved in it, whether online or offline. There is a risk involved whenever one is emotionally close to another, be it online or offline. One can get to know another better online than in person, because of a lot of reasons, but it is true nobody knows another quite well even after years of knowing that person, online or offline. The only missing element in an online relationship(and an important one) is the offline part which usually comes after both individuals in an online relationship are ready for it.

Coming back to me:
We have talked about and thought of meeting. We both have been real to each other so I think it would still be the same when we meet. Of course, one doesnt really know what could happen, just as for anything else in life until it has happened. If we meet, we have thought of moving together soon after that, since we 'know' each other, unless we are totally different from what we are online. I dont see a problem with how things will go after we meet. I bet you must be wondering why we havent already met. We will seriously consider meeting if we resolve our arguments and feel close enough after having done that ( there were other reasons for not meeting )

We have been pretty open with our "screen time". I never control her time, she is free to make friends of any sex, etc (and the same with me). I dont own her and she doesnt own me, even if we were together offline. We make time for each other, without really trying to make time, we talk with others but not at our expense. I think that is not being possessive. Our arguments started when she started getting possessive about who I talked with and for how long, and over the course of our arguments she is now less possessive.

The reason her flirting annoyed me. Since the begining of our 'relationship', we had opinions on things which we shared. Regarding flirting, we always agreed that it can lay the seeds of doubt and harm a relationship. If we had accepted flirting as a part of what we have/had, I would not think much about it. Her flirting was something that can potentially make this other guy think that she is interested in him as more than friends, which is not her intention. Getting annoyed if she changes her stand on something we both once agreed about, is that completely unfair on my part ? I mean I could start flirting around too, and she knows it would hurt her to see me do that. I think it is only natural to feel jealous, because of her flirting. As Brooke pointed out, it is probably only innocent on her part and I shouldnt be getting jealous.

Maybe that is a sign things are changing and it is time to end it before other things change or to meet and see where it goes.

Yep. I do think that your choice is end it or meet.

Good luck!

Pocketfulofmars,

Here is my opinion on the flirting. You said in the beginning it was agreed that flirting can harm a relationship. And I agree with you that it can if it is done with a total lack of respect for each other. But regardless of what you discussed in the beginning...and no matter how good the intentions were...to expect the other to "never flirt" is going to cause problems, big time. I think we all have a flirtacious side to us and it does come out at times. And it can be SO harmless!

I think your main problem is not the flirting....but the amount of time you have spent together online. For once you speak of "love" to each other...you need to meet as quickly as possible for the fact that you have never held each other or looked into each others eyes...can be a breeding ground for doubt. In an offline relationship when you have problems you sit down together and you discuss them. You can hug her...kiss her...or simply brush your fingertips across her cheek as you catch that tear. You have none of that.

And yes online relationships CAN work out. I have a cousin that met his fiance' online. They met before they fell in love though. As soon as some form of trust was evident and they felt comfortable with each other, which in their case took about 2 months...they met. Now they are engaged and she has relocated to Ohio.

Either agree to meet......or walk away. I think walking away will be hard to do though. There will always be that element of "what if" that you will have to live with. I think you owe each other at least ONE meeting before you close any doors, unless you already know in your heart it would never work out.

~Brooke

I agree with Brooke and wish you the very best.

Thank you Sozobe, Brooke and Montana for your best wishes and comments.

Yes I agree with you all. It is time to meet or end it. The arguing isnt stopping, the opinions we shared that formed the basis of all that we were, are gradually changing. I will make the case for meeting, if she agrees then it is good. I dont know how to tell her that we have to stop doing this, since it is not going anywhere. I guess we'll find a way to end this without hurting each other too much.

Thanks again everyone for your insight and helpful comments.

Good luck, pocketfulofmars!

Yes, the very best of luck to you!