Which way from here

pocketfulofmars- Welcome to A2K!

Online relationships can be very deceiving. There is no body language, no eye contact. You really don't know the person (no matter how much that you have shared online), by merely writing to a person. People can embellish, fabricate, even lie about anything and everything online. I am not saying that this is so with this woman, but you need to understand the possibilities. The relationship is, at best, a potential.

Why haven't you met her yet? Is it gegraphical distance? What do you think that you want out of the relationship? Have you made any promises to one another? You need to be very clear about what it is that you hope to accomplish.

I am very leery about someone whom you haven't even met becoming so possessive with you. Imagine what would be in person. I certainly would not want a long term relationship with someone with whom I argue every day. That could get old, very quickly.

IMO, I think that once and for all, you might want to arrange a meeting. If you live in the same city, meet at a public place, like a restaurant. See if the reality of this woman matches up what you have gathered from your conversations on the net.

P.S. Sometimes online relationships DO work, and lead to permanent partnerships. We have a great love story right here on A2K! Good Luck!

Meet in the real world. That'll kill it or cure it.

Have you spoken on the phone yet?
You definitely need to get past the online bit before you can really think about anything further.

Talk on the phone. Meet in person. Then you can decide whether there's really anything there. The 'live' chemistry can be quite different from the online chemistry. Very different.

Phoenix and Sealpoet, thank you for your responses.

We have talked about meeting, but I live in Florida and she lives in Washington. I will refrain from mentioning the cities. So meeting is a problem. Besides, we have both never met anyone from online, so we hesitate, even though we have known each other for so long.

I am not sure I understand how meeting her would help. Apart from assuring us that the other is indeed the same person we fell for online, I dont see how it would help reduce our arguments.

I know online relationships can be deceptive, after all one needs trust in a relationship and trusting online someone who one has never seen/known in person can be hard. All I have is what she tells me, about herself and her interactions with her friends and family. I have trusted her every word and I think she has not lied to me. Or if she has lied she must be a rather consistent liar, but I dont think this possibility is true. ( Or am I being too protective of her or blind)

Beth, thank you for your response. We have spent hrs talking with each other on the phone, sometimes upto 12 or 13 hrs at a time, typically 3-6 hrs.

People, in on-line relationships, often develop unrealistic expections and visions of their "mate". You only see what she is willing to show and vice-versa. (Why would anyone show their worst attributes?). A "real life", in the flesh meeting clears the myths and brings in a bit of reality.

Sounds like it's time to meet, pocketfulofmars.

I knew Setanta on-line about 3 months (maybe a bit more) before we started talking on the phone. After a few 3 and 4 hour phone calls, I realized I needed to meet him in-person. We met within about two months of the first phone call. We've been travelling back and forth to visit for over 3 years now.

I've met other online people as well. Most of them are very much who they appear to be online/on the phone. Some are not. It's definitely worth figuring it out sooner rather than later.

Fishin, thanks for your response. I agree with your explanation. But after knowing her for so long, if I had to list 10 positive attributes and 10 negatives, I could do it and I know she can too. But yes, I agree whether it all holds when I meet her is something I cant really tell unless we meet.

Beth, thank you for sharing your experience. I find it quite encouraging, particularly the ' most of them are very much.....'.

Sometimes I think we have delayed our meeting so much that its time is gone and now things cant go as well as they might have, had we met earlier. But I also think that if we can work through our arguments, we will emerge stronger together and that bond (assuming we really are the same as what we appear to be online/on phone) will only make what we have last.

I also agree that you need to meet before you can know what will happen.

Good luck to you both.

pocketfulofmars - the reality is that physical chemistry matters. It matters a lot. You may find her fascinating, and charming, and lovable, and sexy, and everything good, online - but when you meet, it's all thrown into the air.

Hi pocketfulofmars, fell in love online once as well. I had a year's worth of chatting, IMing, phoning, etc. He lives in Australia and I'm in the states. I spent a wad of cash to go there after all that time just to do it. It was wonderful. He was very much the same man in person as I'd met online. The relationship dissolved when I returned and we went on with our lives. I won't ever regret going to meet him.

'k, would that have been m'doggy? and What is he up to these days, anyway?

pocketfull, not to be too blunt about it, but sex is the great social lubricant. I think that if I communicated with my husband ONLY online for a year, I would probably be fed up with him, too. (Well, maybe not, but you get my drift.) When you are that intimate with someone emotionally, (12-13 hr phone conversations, etc.) there is bound to be friction. That is really one of the functions of sex, to help people who are so close put up with each other.

So, if you meet, and you ARE incredibly physically attracted (you don't have to actually have sex mind you), that can go a long way to getting you over the petty stuff, IMO.

In a related idea, if you guys have been in an online relationship for over a year, and you have been exclusive, and you haven't ever met, you guys haven't had sex at all in over a year. That's enough to make anyone grumpy.

SP - I have no idea!

SP - the lunar canine's posted a bit on Abuzz lately. Talked about graduating recently and a pretty decent life. It was nice to 'see' him.

I guess i'll broach the subject of meeting next time we are on talking terms and receptive enough to have a serious conversation about it ( we are in a walk away mode for now because of our arguments, hopefully this time wont be different from the past )

littleK : Perhaps I am being too nosey, but after going to meet him and finding out he was the same person he was online, why did the relationship dissolve ? If he was physically closer, would it have worked ? Did the love end ?

Sozobe: Agreed, sex is a significant part of a relationship. Physical attraction is definitely there offline. I can only hope it stays even when we meet, if ever we do. lol, perhaps we are grumpy because of no sex resulting from our exclusivity, as you pointed out.

Devil's Advocate time. pocketfulofmars, this isn't going to be a fun post for you to read. I apologize in advance.

I say, don't bother meeting, and dissolve the relationship. Why?

- You've been "together" for over a year and have not met. Right now, expectations may be running high vis a vis meeting. So, even if it isn't perfect, you (or she) might see the meeting as being so fraught with meaning that you make it perfect in your head. And that's not good. Things are either right or they aren't. Wishing for them to be so does not help.
- Your remoteness will not change unless either or both of you pull up some serious roots. Are you willing to quit your job or school, and move to some place you don't know? Is she? And forget willingness, can you afford it (you need not answer me; I just urge you to think about it)? Meeting will not change your job, work or financial situations one iota. The economy will not improve a whit if you meet (e. g. it's harder to find work in an unfamiliar city). You'll be left with the same issues as before.
- Meeting will add the element of sex into the equation. Most people who are in love online have sex when they meet for the first time. Do you want to add that into this equation, if you can't be together? Often all that does is hurt the parties involved.
- I think what you've hinted at is true, that your time to meet has passed. The bloom is already off the rose in your relationship. Meeting will either kick-start it (it is possible, despite my pronouncements of doom here), but it may do nothing or it may kill it. You already fight quite a bit. Who's to say you won't fight when together? That's fun, eh - spending a few hundred bucks and blowing a few vacation days in order to bicker with someone you hardly know.

And yeah, I mean you hardly know her. Knowing someone online is not the same as knowing them in person. Phone calls help, but meeting someone is really the only way to know them. Going online means interacting during convenient times, not just after you've fought traffic to drive over. Going online means choosing and re-choosing your words before you hit "send", rather than blurting things out and then wishing that you could take them back. Going online means (usually, although since you're fighting, that isn't 100% true anymore) posting only when you're at your best, as opposed to seeing someone just after they've been fired, or spilled something down their shirt, or the like.

Sorry, but I think that meeting this woman is just going to hurt both of you, because if it goes well, you'll feel even worse about the distance, and if it goes poorly then you'll regret the time spent, not just on the visit but on the entire relationship.

You are both young and it is easier to meet people than when you are older. Even if you have trouble meeting people, try online personals, and stick with people in your area who you have more than a snowball's chance of meeting. Unfortunately, and I know you're going to hate me for saying this, this has been an exercise in futility. Make the break now before you waste any more time.

Jespah, thank you for playing the devils advocate. You do raise some very valid points. In addition to what you said, I heard from someone today that while she was supposedly in the 'walk away' mood, she has apparently been flirting with someone. I am crushed but it is better to wait and confront her about it. If it is true, then as I suspected and you thought might be true, it is perhaps too late. I'll hold my thoughts back till I talk with her.

pocketfulofmars, just putting in my 3 cents.

Now would be a good time to seriously talk with her about where the two of you want to go with your 'relationship'. If she was really flirting, you have a problem and I would say its over, because if one of you flirts with someone, that lays the seed of doubt which can kill a 'relationship' ( unless you are both willing to include flirting with others in your relationship, which in my humble opinion could be bad, but whatever works for the two of you ). Also, if you are arguing so much, given that you say you two are very close, chances are even if you two met, the arguing would continue, which can be rather hurtful after a while. So, either try to meet her once and for all and sort things out, or think about breaking it up ( rather painful part but doable ).