What is she after?

Give her room and space. Maybe even back pedal a bit.

Could be any, either one or two or all three

Maybe she just doesn't wish to jump straight in and wishes to get to know you a little better. You say "she pays attention to her professional approach" - so is this a work colleague. That in itself could make her wish to keep her distance - friends, but still professional boundaries (don't know). It sounds as though you both have busy schedules, so maybe she's wrapped up in that right now.

Really fella, give her time and step back from attempts to push. If it doesn't appear to be going anywhere - either talk to her about it or move on - eventually, you need to know where you stand. I know that sounds terribly harsh (believe me, it's better than my normal gushy stuff)


I can't quite work out (a bit like you I suppose) - but when you meet do you hug her, when you leave do you hug, or peck on the cheek goodbye???? Or is there no contact at all - ya know, shaking hands?

Some people do just want to be friends and with NO romantic strings attached, TRULY. Trust me on that one!!!!! Give it a little time, if you're really interested in her and it becomes frustrating not being able to read her... either talk, or move on. If you don't think it would be comfortable to talk - heck, write her a letter (I know it went out in the olden days, but man, it's so nice to receive a hand written letter - not heavy or anything - just talk)

When you're with the bunch of your friends shortly - enjoy yourself, have fun, laugh, let her feel at ease and, most of all, try not to keep second guessing your every move - interact with all the folk - have some fun. If you start second guessing everything you have to do which feels much the same as walking on eggshells - well doing that - it won't work mate.

If she's special and you want to become closer - let her breathe for a while and then start communicating - there could be any number of reasons for her holding back - but pushing her to talking to something she doesn't want to talk about or to get too close too quick... well - we all have reasons for doing things.

Good luck, really, best wishes to you - let us know how it goes, only if you wish to of course, with the party gathering

She's not. We met through work but are not colleagues. So that's not there to worry about.


We hug, something between friendly and more intimate.

Thanks for sharing your take on this! I'll see how it develops. She is special and I'm really glad I met her. She reminds me of how you can feel about someone and the potentiality of a relationship and all it can be if you're with the right person.

Why is it that you have described how she hasn't done anything, while you haven't described you 'doing' anything towards her to express your interest?

(and a rose isn't enough by itself to tell her how you feel)

Okay, you've described romantic settings, but few girls just fall for a guy just because of romantic settings. What are you doing to show that you are not only interested in her, but desire her as a woman?

It's fine and good to be laid back if it's coupled with hints of connection & desire & attraction...but laid back without that is just...laid back.

Well, she doesn't sound like a touchy/feely kind of person, does she?
(After 5 alone times with her, you know this)

Is that OK with you?
Will that be enough for you?

She sounds like the type that needs to be asked if you can hold her hand, put your arm around her, etc. While there's nothing wrong with that, you need to know that's they way she is.

Can I ask your ages?

Vikorr's comments somewhat mirror my own. From what you wrote, I get the idea that you are sitting back waiting on her to make the first move. Maybe she is waiting for you to be more assertive and make a more overt move. You know, like initiating a kiss goodnight? Not just a chaste hug and peck on the cheek kind of thing? Maybe when you next walk her to her door (you do that, right?), as you say goodnight you look her in the eyes and say "You know, I've been wanting to do this for a while now" and lean in and kiss her. One of 2 things will happen. She will kiss you back or she will push you away. Either way, you will have a better idea of where you stand and you can stop going crazy over it.

Good luck to you.

Vikorr: You got a point there, I've been quite reserved and not done anything super visible or impossible not to notice. The issue here may as well be that we're both reserved. Point taken.

Let me add that she's been the one suggesting the places, not me.

Me 30, she 26.

Well I've been trying to figure out which one it is: not pressure her and wait for her to come around or do something bold and assertive. These things are easier when it's less serious. But I may just do what you suggested. I know what I want, after all.

It's no good people advising you to do something which is alien to your nature. You have to be true to yourself and only you know what that means. There has been more than one time in my life when I thought that all the signs were there that a "friendship" with a woman was ready to move up to another level, all the signs except one - her showing even a little hint that she wanted it too. Usually I ended up drifting away eventually. I would justify that at the time by saying to myself that I wanted not just willingness but also a certain amount of enthusiasm from a girl. Sometimes I have found out later that they were waiting for me to do something. Their loss, I say. I am philosophical about that - like I say, you have to be true to yourself.

I don't understand why you're thinking she's "after" anything. You however, obviously are.

Seems to me she's acting exactly the way she wants to act, and the relationship is where she wants it to be.

Because you want more, you assume she also wants something to "develop"

It is what it is, and maybe that's exactly how it should be.

I tend to think the same. And in my experience it's not hard if it's completely mutual. But she's passed remarks I cannot help putting in that context you just described. And these few paragraphs of text I've posted do not really do justice to the entire chain of events. Just wanted to throw it out here and see what people thought. Relationships are tricky anyway, as it boils down to personal interpretation and the only things you can really go by are actions.

And yes, giving a rose isn't a romantic gesture of any major magnitude but I thought it would show her early on that my interest isn't platonic. And if I were her I wouldn't go walking by the sea with someone on dates that last 8 hours and go on for 8 miles unless it was significant. Not multiple times. Not after having been given a rose. Not without making it clear I wasn't interested.

But life and work get in the way sometimes. Separation is hard, even this early on. But if you meet someone whose presence just brightens your life, don't let that person go. That's what I wish to think. And I hope I'll find myself in a situation where I can show that to her and find out that she's come to feel the same. This in spite of her manners which sometimes confuse me because they're formal, controlled and polite and seldom seem spontaneous or carefree.

Honestly I am open to anything. So my wording wasn't the best. If she's after a friend in me then that's a possibility. Whatever she wants.

But, she already indicated what she wants. She seems comfortable with that, why aren't you?

It seems to me you could ask her, 'may I hold your hand?' Or, as many would do, just take her hand in yours when you are out walking in one of these romantic places she keeps picking. If she doesn't like that, she will tell you.

I was raised in the years when girls and women waited for men to make the first move. Seems quite a long time ago to me now.. but it was a very strong cultural mode. She may well be complaining to her women friends that she can't tell if you feel romantically about her, and is confused, and staying more formal since she is confused.

Failing trying to hold her hand, why don't you just talk to her about this?

Indeed, but if there is one thing I've learned, and it's been a long time sinking in, it's that you don't have to shag them.

Pal, I think you're over thinking a tad here.

If she wishes to be "just friends" and you can handle that when you obviously want more, then mebbe that can work - as long as you're not holding back those feelings for her and you move on to looking towards other relationships, because, really, those feelings for her WOULD get in the way of friendship or other relationships you could be in, and will ensure that you won't be able to move on - living in hope that it may work out one day.


It could open up a whole world of hurt for you and you seem to already accept to "whatever it is that she wants" - which means you comprising your feelings for her.

Hmmmmm.... IMO - you should take it easy but let her know, hold her hand, give her a kiss (mind, only if she seems to be receiving, ya know the difference right - she turns her head away... don't try again!)

I would ask, what country are you in????? (may have missed it) - that could make a difference to some of our answers.

If she's quite stand-offish - she could be really shy or part of the culture... it might not be how she's been brought up to respond. We really don't know enough to advise - so, i guess we're doing the best we can to explain/ or not

You say about her manners - that could be a professional approach for her especially if her work colleagues are present - we don't know her work and she may have to maintain a professional barrier.

anyhoo - we're all kind of second guessing here now, just as you are.

Friends is cool as long as one of the friends isn't a love sick puppy who does as he's told (I don't think we women (the ones I know) like that - tho I'm sure someone will say different if that's the case) That's may work for some, but no no - some us like our men strong and not doing as their told all the time, we don't need lapdogs. Little bit of equality to so to speak - but fer sure, RESPECT!

Take the initiative if you can - see how it goes, hold hands, mebbe a kiss... don't push her if she's not up for that- then see how it goes for a bit.

Just try not to overthink it, that's way too much hard work - if you like her and you think she likes you - act on that .... but don't DON'T ever push someone into something they are ucommfortable with.

Okeydokey.

OK, 3, 2, 1... and off you go

This isn't true in all cases - depending on ones emotional maturity it's easy enough to realise that even though you have feelings for someone, they don't have the same sort for you...

...The emotionally mature love the person they love for who that person is, and so - even if they fall in love with someone else, they will always love their 'friend' (just not necessarily be 'in love' with them), because 'who they are' doesn't usually change.

Ie they realise the love won't go but that it will change in nature - they will always be attractive, but likely in a different way. Understanding this (and given the situation)- friendship with someone you love dearly is quite possible, even while looking for someone else who will return the love you have to give.

Hello Vikorr

well, the full context was this



and definitely not true in all cases.

I was trying to make it clear (in a jumbled-up way) that if he continues to wish to be with her in a romantic sense - and she does not want it, his living in hope for that to happen could prevent him from moving on and being in other relationships , especially if he continues to see her socially. It's not meant to mean that they aren't able to be "just friends" as this happens all the time, simply provided this does not prevent him from moving on to meeting other people and he is not pining over her, or lurking!

It can also be very uncomfortable having someone obviously "smitten" "in love" with you when you don't reciprocate their feelings. Most uncomfortable when you are in the same space. There is a big difference of someone being hopelessly in love and just a little mushy.


However, yes Vikorr - I do agree people can 'be friends' and I believe that happens naturally over time and quite honestly, not everyone gets to be with the person they "fall in love with"! So I would imagine many people know how that feels. We've possibly all gone through similiar experiences in our lifetimes, in many different situations.

At the moment tho - I'm thinking of his current circumstances he finds himself in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that where he seems to be right now, he's confused - and he saying that even now, separation is hard etc... and that's before they are even together!



As yet, we don't really know answers to the other questions. Are they dating or not? It's a question he could ask her so things are then clearer.

I absolutely do agree with him in that if you meet someone in your life and they make such a world of difference - yes, you don't have to let go - but you also must not tether them either if they wish to move on - and if by holding on damages ones well-being, then.let.go.

If he's feeling it's difficult to be separated already and they're not together (in a relationship) well, how difficult would it be if she then turned up to a "meet/party" and she was with someone else... or continued to go to "meets" if they weren't together. He admits he is smitten with her, is imagining how it could all come together and says they have been on "dates" - she could be very shy or has reasons for not getting close to a man - but she could have already made it clear in her mind and to him that she just wishes to be friends.

I do think it's wonderful when people start falling in love and all that caboodle - but IMO it's certainly better from a level playing field and for him to know now, rather than in 6 months time. I think if he could possibly take her off the pedestal and look into her eyes, rather than up to her as he appears to be doing, it may be easier.

As I say, I would advocate him being just a tad more forward in his approach so that he becomes less confused, but not so much as to blow the friendship they have. Perhaps she simply doesn't want a relationship but would love to be his friend...

He can't become something he's not and change his whole approach - he is who he is - the same goes for her. If they don't communicate for weeks at a time - well... who knows?




I do feel tho that if he "is in love" (which we don't know) but she doesn't have romantic feelings (which we also don't know) - then it can become very awkward. He has this whole picture in his mind which in reality, may not be a possibility.

The whole professional/career thing is on my mind and possibly a cultural difference - but again, we don't know.


I wish you good fortune though Mr Pinelurk.