should I tell him?

Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 02:33 am
I dunno what to do...

I'm currently in an amazing relationship with someone I love so very much. We've been together 6 months and we're so happy together. He knows one of my exes, and he hates him...for unrelated reasons. The ex and I had remained in casual contact. I occasionally speak to the him, but only about school stuff (we have the same major). We never like, hang out or anything like that. I really don't care for him much as a person anyway. Recently, he's been going through a hard time and has been whining to me for some reason on facebook chat. Trying to be nice, I tried giving him some advice when he'd start a conversation. I didn't really think it was a big deal, even though I knew my boyfriend might not like it... I know who wouldn't tell me who I could and couldn't talk to. Well, tonight the ex started saying really dumb stuff...like "I miss you a lot." and "I feel like I really missed out." and "I was so full of myself back then." I quickly snapped at him and told him it wasn't appropriate and it made me uncomfortable and that I was in a very happy relationship and my boyfriend would not appreciate the things he was saying to me. He responded with the whole "oh, I didn't mean it like that" bullshit. I basically told him that I didn't care how he meant it, it wasn't appropriate and I didn't want him to do it. That being said, I told him we could still talk as friends. However, I became really uncomfortable with the whole situation and felt guilty about even talking to him. So I told him good night and blocked him from my facebook entirely.

Now, I still feel guilty. I feel like I should tell my boyfriend about the conversation. I mean, if this happened with his ex, I would want to know. However, I know if I tell him he's going to be really mad at the guy, who he already hates, and at the situation, and I don't want to frustrate our relationship. He could maybe even be mad at me for talking to him, though I didn't previously think that it would be a big deal. What should I do?
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 02:48 am
What do you think will happen if he finds out without you telling him? If your relationship is as strong as you say he should understand if you tell him now. If he doesn't understand, then you know it's not meant to be. I would block your ex on social media, you don't want him causing any more trouble.
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 02:50 am
I mean if he does find out, then hopefully he'll see how I reacted and be happy that I told him off and blocked him. It's not likely he'll find out anyway. Also, we're currently separated due to different universities. I won't see him again until next weekend...I don't know if I want to tell him about this over the phone or on webcam. I feel like I want to be with him when I tell him. You know?
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 05:46 am
There is no need to tell your new BF. about this incident.

Problem came up, problem was handled.

Don't go there unless you want to provoke a huge discussion as to why you were even chatting with an old boyfriend.

You don't have to answer every barking dog. Just because someone talks to you on-line does not mean you have to respond.

Honesty is a virtue, but over-exposing oneself your actions will cause more problems.
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Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 06:48 am
Things like this are always better face to face. Don't say anything via text/phone etc.
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Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 07:25 am
Dosed wrote:

Now, I still feel guilty. I feel like I should tell my boyfriend about the conversation. I mean, if this happened with his ex, I would want to know. However, I know if I tell him he's going to be really mad at the guy, who he already hates, and at the situation, and I don't want to frustrate our relationship. He could maybe even be mad at me for talking to him, though I didn't previously think that it would be a big deal. What should I do?

Why would you want to know if this happened with his ex? I don't understand your guilt. You had an online discussion with an ex boyfriend and the discussion went in a direction that made you uncomfortable so you shut it down. End of story. Why do you want the story to continue and why are you feeling guilty?

I would advise that you don't say anything to your boyfriend unless you want this to become a bigger event rather than the small one that it truly is. I would also advise that you put it into perspective and cut yourself some slack. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt comes from feeling that we've done something wrong. What did you do that was wrong?

Also, if and when the day comes that you do actually do something worth feeling guilty about then I'd still say that you shouldn't tell your bf unless the wrongful act could in some way cause him physical harm. Your actions are yours and the consequences that come from them are yours to carry. Confessing one's sins is usually done to make the confessor feel better but what it really does is make two people feel bad.
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 08:03 am
JPB, we are reading each others mind.

I was thinking the same thing, but had to leave the house, so wouldn't have had time to compose a post.

While it wasn't the first thing that popped out at me, the " I mean, if this happened with his ex, I would want to know." prevades the entire post.
WHY would you want to know if your bf was having a "chin up" conversation with someone? So you can then start asking questions like why? Perhaps putting him on the defensive starting an agrument, etc. etc.? Where do you draw the line on what you feel you need to share with him, or him with you?
Your fears of "what if he finds out?" is one more useless thing to worry about. If he does realize you had a conversation, all it deserves is a "yes, we spoke"
If he doesn't like it, a simple "Sorry you don't like it, but it already happened" and then moving on is all that's necessary.
Sharing is good, but you don't own each other.

You don't know he would want to know this, and even if he did, that puts you under no obligation. You didn't cheat on him, had no intention to, so chill out.

In the words of Khalil Gibran in The Prophet...

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

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Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 08:31 am
Much ado about nothing. Tempest in a teapot. Mountain out of a molehill. Good grief, Dosed - you're working yourself into a tizzy about NADA.

Drop the whole thing.

I wouldn't even want to know about that conversation, much less get upset about it. Guess what - my husband invited 9 of his prior girlfriends/liaisons to our wedding - in fact, our minister was one of them - do you think I worried about any of his conversations with them? Good grief.

I think you want to tell your b/f the gist of the conversation because you'd like him to know your ex still has feelings for you or is regretting your split. Makes you look more wanted or something.

I'd just forget all about it and move on.
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 12:16 pm
I'm thinking mame, this is a matter of young love (not saying it isn't true love) where you can just think and think and think about every little thing.

not criticising you dosed, you'll learn you need to keep something of yourself, to yourself.
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 12:49 pm
chai2 wrote:

where you can just think and think and think about every little thing.

you'll learn you need to keep something of yourself, to yourself.

Exactly... you don't need to share everything - in fact, you shouldn't.
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Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2011 01:09 pm
This thread reminds me of one awhile back. More, um, content to it, but to me, the end result was the same.

In this other thread this couple had been going out, broke up, but then a few weeks or something later decided to get back together.

In the interim, the girl initiating the tread said she went to a party, and ended up having sex with someone. The guy knew both her and the ex-bf, and after they got back together, has been hanging out more w/ the bf. Not to hook up with the girl again, just now friends with the bf.

Should I tell my bf I slept with this guy? What if he finds out? Should I just go ahead and tell him first before one night stand tells him?

The difference between dosed case and this one is (a) all dosed did was TALK, and not even about romance. When the other person did bring up feelings, she cut it off and (b) in the other case, the one nighter happened when the couple was broken up, could have stayed broken up forever, and that makes it no one's business.

There was a big difference of opinion on the other case. One side, and if memory served there were a lot of us "been around the block" old broads who basically said "Tell this guy you slept with that what happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas" and if it ever did come out, to just say to the boyfriend "Yeah, it happened, we had broken up, and neither of us knew we were going to get back together, so that's all I'm going to say about it."

The other faction, spearheaded by a newly married male, thought she should come clean, discuss trust issues ad nauseum, "work through all this", blah blah blah. It was wondered how the woman could go on like this, making their relationship a sham.

Guess what side I was on.

Dosed, life's too short. You don't have to make reports about normal daily events (and that's what this is) to anybody.

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Reply Tue 16 Aug, 2011 04:13 am
The most intriguing part of this is your feeling guilt.

The boyfriend has no right to tell you who you can or can't talk to...and you should take his feelings into consideration (it's an and...not a but)...so consider his feelings, and your feelings, and do what you think is right for everyone involved.

But even that doesn't explain your feeling of guilt. Just before you became angry with him - did you get a heart flutter when your ex said what he said?

Secondly, you haven't done anything wrong, so why do you feel the need to cause trouble by telling your boyfriend? You in fact handled that the best possible way you could (arguably except for not cutting off contact with him - which your boyfriend has no right to ask)

A lot of these things seem to come down to emotional maturity...but then again, I don't know anyone who is fully emotionally mature.
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Reply Fri 26 Aug, 2011 02:51 am
My ex wife had a similar thing happen. She never told me and I did find out. I didn't mind as much that they had talked, because I could understand that. What I couldn't understand is why she didn't tell me, I felt like it was lying. Granted the situation wasn't exactly the same as yours...but, iono kinda similar
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Reply Tue 10 Apr, 2012 01:45 am
You can discuss
Reply Wed 2 May, 2012 02:27 am
I think you shouldn't , everyone should have some secret in his or her mind.
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Reply Fri 18 May, 2012 12:22 am
If you love two love each other like you say you do, you should tell him. You don't want him to find out behind your back because it'll just make everything a lot worse. Put yourself in his shoes, it wouldn't look good on your part. Do expect him to get mad but thats just how us guys are usually when it comes to ex's in general, and definitely reassure him that you're done talking to him. I wouldn't suggest talking to your ex again at all for that fact, thats what can tear apart a relationship even if he does still try to communicate with you. It's definitely not worth the trouble.
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Reply Fri 1 Jun, 2012 02:00 am
u know, trust is given to those who are loyal and honest.
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