I've had this problem with the father of my son for more years than I care to remember and was hoping to get some advice on the issue. My ex and I lived together for 5 years way back when and we had a son who is now almost 17 and one of the many problems is that my ex always refused to pay child support. I finally took the man to court about 5 years ago and settled for much less than I was entitled too because every time I so much as mentioned support the man would use our own son to get even with me by not calling or seeing our son for a long time, so I settled to spare my son anymore pain. Well, it's been 5 years, our son is almost 17 and he (our son) convinced me that I should take his father back to court for the maximum support. I explained to my son that his father may stop calling him, etc if I do this, but my son assured me that he is old enough to deal with it and the hell with his father if he wants to play those baby games. I am entitled to 3 times as much as I'm getting now and since I really need the support, I decided to go for it. Well, my ex just got served with the court papers yesterday and the first thing he does is call our son and start complaining about how this was going to drain him financally. My ex left his wife last month on Christmas Eve and he also has a child with her. My son was thrilled that his father left his wife because she interfered terribly with my sons relationship with his father, and my son was looking forward to having more time with his father, but now his father is telling him that if I get him for the maximum support that he would be forced to go back to his wife. This man is no doubt a loser who has no respect for his sons feelings and my son is obviously pissed that his father has a problem with paying child support. I've done my very best to shield my son from this all these years, but my ex keeps dragging him in the middle.
I think, if I were you, and my son were 17, and it was his firm decision (knowing the consequences) that I take his dad back to court for the support, I'd do it. Especially since you need it.
He's a f*ckin bastard, the dad....It sounds like he's trying to tell your son that whatever you're about to do is going to be the cause of his eventually not interacting with him (again, for a while) in the hopes that your son will try to stop you from doing it.
If it's a decision that's going to help your household, keep you from struggling and such, then I think, as mom, it's a responsiblity we have to make sure our kids are taken care of with the most/best we can give them. If that means getting more from his dad, then that's just what it means.
I wish you much luck - and I hope they stick it to the guy. My mom went through much the same thing as you, but she was not nice about it....that could be because the jerk of a dad (whom, I must say, I now love and would absolutely break down if anything happened to him) kept moving so as not to be found and have to pay....
tell us what you decide, when you do.
oh, and good morning
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Phoenix32890
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 05:14 am
Montana- Your son is almost a grown man. He has clearly stated his wishes in the matter. The problem is YOU are finding it difficult to deal with the situation. If you can, try to distance yourself (I know that it is very difficult) from the emotional aspects of this situation.
Maybe you can look at it like this. The man owes you money, he does not honor his obligations, and you are using legal means to force him to give you funds to which you are entitiled. If you can focus on the financial, and try to avoid the emotional, you will get a lot more accomplished, with far less stress.
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Montana
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 05:30 am
Ony
Thanks for that. I do intend on going through with going to court as I do need the money and I've come too far to turn back now. You're absolutely right in saying that my ex is using my son to try and prevent me from getting more money out of him. I know I should have done this years ago, but my heart would break knowing what my ex would end up putting my little boy through, but now that my son is old enough to understand things and is able to handle it, I feel buch better about what I'm doing. His father surely is a bastard to say the least and he is the one who will lose in the end. What goes around, comes around ;-)
Good morning to you as well :-)
Phoenix
Thank you as well. I do try to avoid the emotional part of it, but when he tries to use our son for personal gain, my blood begins to boil and I can't seem to help it. My son did say this his father was such an ass and I did get a chuckle out of that. I am thrilled that my ex doesn't have the ability to hurt our son that way anymore.
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Phoenix32890
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 05:47 am
Montana- For your own health, and emotional peace of mind, you need to distance. Think of it this way. How would you like your son's father to know that he is causing you mental anguish? Do you think that he would enjoy knowing that he is causing you grief? Hmm....................Does that change things a bit???
The relationship with this man is over. What you are dealing with is financial matters. Period!!!
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edgarblythe
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 05:53 am
montana -
Not much I can say, except to agree with phoenix and onyxelle. You should get that money and distance yourself as much as possible.
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Montana
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 05:57 am
I understand that Phoenix and in no way do I let on to my ex that he stresses me out accept when my child support is late, but when he hurts my son, it hurts me to see my son hurt, which in turn makes my blood boil. Another thing that throws me is that his work is court ordered to deduct my support payments and deposit them on my behalf, but they have refused to comply with the court order and continue to hand my ex my support payments to deposit even when I have threatened them with filing contempt charges. I just may do that as well while I'm down there.
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Noddy24
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 05:58 am
Montana--
Phoenix and Oynxelle have your kid's father skinned and pegged and nailed out to dry with absolute accuracy.
Charming isn't it. For all these years you haven't been able to collect the support that you and your son are entitled to, but--
Tada--
Now you have the power to force him to go back to his wife! How does it feel to be a woman of great power who is unimpressed by the facile rationalizations and threats of a down-to-earth no goodnik?
I also wonder whether his wife wants him back.
Kids learn adult behavior from their parents--particularly the same sex parent. Ideally they can copy a good model. Less ideally, but equally effectively, they can revolt against a poor model.
Your son has started making some adult decisions. Stay out of his way.
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Phoenix32890
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 05:58 am
In the immortal words of MY #1 son- "I don't get upset or depressed...........I get mad"!
(This was when he filed for custody of my granddaughter, and won!)
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Montana
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 06:06 am
Edgar
Thanks. I have always done everything in my power to distance myself from the man, which is why we are in Canada and he's not ;-)
Noddy
I couldn't agree more. Yes, my ex's wife wants him back and it does feel kind of good to know that he may be forced to live uncomfortably for awhile. God only knows he did enough damage in our lives and it would be nice to see it come back his way ;-)
Phoenix
Smart son you've got there ;-)
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littlek
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 09:20 am
Geez, Montana, you should get back-payments too! And YES do drag his work into court if you have to. man-o-man. What a world.
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sozobe
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 10:21 am
Go for it!
I think that's great that you have respected your son's wishes the way you have. He's given you the go-ahead, that's the last remaining barrier IMO. Get your money!
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fishin
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 10:56 am
Re: Ignorant Father
Montana wrote:
My son was thrilled that his father left his wife because she interfered terribly with my sons relationship with his father, and my son was looking forward to having more time with his father, but now his father is telling him that if I get him for the maximum support that he would be forced to go back to his wife.
Does your son see his father's claim here for the obvious ploy that it is?
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Eva
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 11:01 am
Yep, go for it. And yes, drag his employer to court, too.
Obviously, you've done a fine job with your son. Congratulations on raising such a clear-headed young man.
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jespah
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 01:05 pm
Bring 'em all to court.
Who cares if your ex goes back to his wife? So what! If it prevents him from seeing your son, then it's just that your ex isn't trying hard enough to see the child that you have together.
Let him (your ex) go to his fate. Or, perhaps he will develop a spine and a work ethic and learn to make enough cash to pay the right amount of support (and back payments) without it deciding his living situation.
And definitely take his employer to court for contempt. That's nonsense - they should've been smacked with contempt charges long ago.
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ehBeth
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 06:57 pm
Your son is older than you were when you began to make a lot of adult decisions, Montana. I don't see how shielding him from full realization of what an emotional abuser his father is, is going to help him.
He seems to already understand that his father is not going to make this easy for you. Seeing you stand up for both of your rights should only make him prouder of you.
You've worked really hard to raise a good man. He's going to be out in the world with all kinds of unpleasant people very soon - you may as well take this time to show him how to handle them - with grace and strength, and without fear. Let your son also show you his emotional strength - encourage him to offer his support to you while you're going through this.
And take that employer to the sidewalk!
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Montana
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 07:31 pm
Littlek
I let the man go on all back child support I was owed thae last time we were in court, so I don't think I can go for that, but I am wondering if I can get back support from the time I filed the court papers.
Sozobe
Thanks. I am going to do just that ;-)
Fishin
He does now and he doesn't think very much of dad these days.
Eva
Thanks. I think it's about time I get what I'm entitled too.
Jespah
I would also like to drag his employer in court, but I'm wondering if I can just file contempt charges against them while I'm there. If I have to wait for another court date, it's not worth it for me to make another trip to push the matter. I do plan to get the DOR involved while I'm there, so they can collect the support on my behalf. Also, I will be asking for $180 in back support that my ex owes me, but I don't know if I can get any other back support other than that.
Beth
I shilded my son from this because his father had already put him through enough and I couldn't stand to see him hurt anymore. The man and his twisted wife are so evil that they are actually the reasons why I left the country. I know now that my son is strong enough to handle it, so away I go. It's been 3 weeks since the constable has had the court papers and it's taken forever for my ex to be served, but I got a call from my lawyer this morning telling me that my ex was served this morning instead of yesterday because he's been dodging the constable and come to find out, the constable is a very good friend of mine who is now a retired Waltham cop. My ex was suppose to meet him after work last night, but never showed up, so it turns out that the constable happen to know a guy that works on the same job as my ex and he ended up serving him. Jeeez!!! This is taking longer than I thought. My ex supposedly left his wife, but refused to give our son an address, so this hasn't been easy.
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quinn1
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 08:19 pm
'my ex supposedly left his wife, but refused to give our son an address
Well, there ya go...with you in another Country and him probably thinking he can keep up his good work with making your son upset--het went right for the heart of you. Dont let him do it to you Montana, and just keep your relationship as it is with your son, sounds like he is making the realizations on his own and that will only continue.
I wish you the best with your court date!!! Please do what you can with the employer as well, anyone who would do that ...well, I can only shake my head at it.
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fishin
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 08:26 pm
Hi Montana!
Sounds like your son knows the score and has given you his "view" on it.
I'd say go for the jugular. (and umm.. If ya need anything - I know a LOT of Waltham cops! )
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Montana
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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 08:34 pm
Quinn
Thanks very much Quinn. Now things should move along faster since he's been served.
(and umm.. If ya need anything - I know a LOT of Waltham cops! 
)
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