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Tue 28 Jun, 2011 01:30 pm
Me and my boyfriend of 1 and 1/2 years have been getting along pretty well. We don't have all out fights or rows. We're both in our thirties and have had problems in our pasts to overcome. We always said we'd respect eachother. Not let things get to how they were in our previous relationships and we'd not put up with any of the crap that we had previously ever again.
I've had stress at work lately and it's taken a long time for me to settle in work and I've had lots of family issues. Admittedly I've had a lot on my plate. He is going through a kind of transition too with work. Due to my workload I had lots to do and became upset with it all. To cut a long story short he swore at me and got very angry. It didn't help the situation at all. I now feel quite let down and low as I've never done this to him before.
I'm a bit confused as to what I should allow in a relationship as my previous one was quite abusive and I'm worried that over time this one might get the same. I suppose my question is......is it ever acceptable to swear at your partner if they have problems? From the beginning I've noticed he can have quite an angry stance that he sort of covers up e.g he might offer to do something and then if I watch him he'll be purse lipped and aggressive when he thinks I can't see him. I know this sounds stupid................
@sarahjane99,
sarahjane99 wrote:
Me and my boyfriend of 1 and 1/2 years have been getting along pretty well. We don't have all out fights or rows. We're both in our thirties and have had problems in our pasts to overcome. We always said we'd respect eachother. Not let things get to how they were in our previous relationships and we'd not put up with any of the crap that we had previously ever again.
I've had stress at work lately and it's taken a long time for me to settle in work and I've had lots of family issues. Admittedly I've had a lot on my plate. He is going through a kind of transition too with work. Due to my workload I had lots to do and became upset with it all. To cut a long story short he swore at me and got very angry. It didn't help the situation at all. I now feel quite let down and low as I've never done this to him before.
I'm a bit confused as to what I should allow in a relationship as my previous one was quite abusive and I'm worried that over time this one might get the same. I suppose my question is......is it ever acceptable to swear at your partner if they have problems? From the beginning I've noticed he can have quite an angry stance that he sort of covers up e.g he might offer to do something and then if I watch him he'll be purse lipped and aggressive when he thinks I can't see him. I know this sounds stupid................
Hallway sex is always good... That is where you cross paths with your beloved and say: Fck YOU!, and get it right back at you...
So your boyfriend can NEVER get angry? And that means you, too, can never be angry or lash out at him?
There's nothing wrong with arguing. You two need to learn HOW to do it.
@Fido,
There's nothing wrong with venting from time to time, I don't know anyone that's never had a time when they needed to express their frustration. If your bothered by his actions just sit down with him when he's not stressed and talk about it but keep in mind that when in a realtionship your there for your partner and at times that will consist of listening to them become angry, raise their voice curse at you , as well as listen to them cry,listen to their personal issues ect. Just try not to take it personal and if it does concern you due to your past then you need to let him know that's how your feeling.
@sarahjane99,
Generally speaking I think it's better out than in. I'd also say to trust your instincts. Ask yourself what is it specifically that is putting you on edge about his behavior. Just getting mad and yelling I think is within bounds, but you seem to get the feeling that he has some anger and aggression that he's keeping a lid on, and that's something you could ask him about.
The fact that you've been in an abusive relationship before makes this situation particularly hard. You have doubts, fears, reservations and insecurities regarding anything that may or may not lead to abuse.
In normal, healthy relationships, swearing at your partner is not abuse. Unless you constantly are shouting strings of obscentities at him or her, a curse word thrown into a heated argument (you're being a bitch, you're being an asshole) is normal. Most couples do it and the other knows they don't really mean it. Obviously, you wouldn't want to be with someone who thought you were a bitch or an asshole. The words are said out of frustration and are not used during every argument or in everyday spats.
In an unhealthy relationship, those words take on a whole different meaning. The person saying them really means to hurt and belittle the other person. They use those words to break the other person down.
If this happened one time, I doubt it's something to worry about. Especially if he simply said "I don't give a ****/****" or any other explicit phrase not aimed at you directly.
If he is getting angry, it's normal. If he is in a rage, that's not normal. There is a difference. You should not be afraid of being hurt physically by someone when they are angry. And you should not constantly be subjected to hurtful words by someone. That being said, occasional hurtful conversations are unfortunately a part of most healthy relationships. We often say things we don't mean.
It sounds to me like this is a normal relationship with it's normal ups and downs. But that's for you to decide, not us. Trust your instincts and if they are telling you this is bad, then get out before it gets bad.
@1CaliGirl,
1CaliGirl wrote:
There's nothing wrong with venting from time to time, I don't know anyone that's never had a time when they needed to express their frustration. If your bothered by his actions just sit down with him when he's not stressed and talk about it but keep in mind that when in a realtionship your there for your partner and at times that will consist of listening to them become angry, raise their voice curse at you , as well as listen to them cry,listen to their personal issues ect. Just try not to take it personal and if it does concern you due to your past then you need to let him know that's how your feeling.
Himsaher; and quite the her... I hate for her to ba angry with me... She can have anything she wants from me and all I own; but while I may deserve frust ration since I am frustrated with myself, I do not deserve anger, and I have felt it too often in my life...
@sarahjane99,
Thanks everyone.
We don't argue much and it was a rare outburst from him really. I was brought up on arguments in the home and I used to think that they were normal.I know the signs of what to watch out for now in abusive relationships and understand that some things are wrong whereas before I thought some things were fine. They were far from it. I carried that belief when I met my ex and used to put up with his belittling comments etc etc for a long time. It was a very old fashioned chauvinistic relationship in a lot of ways.
When I met my current boyfriend, he said it took a lot to break down my barriers. I was going through a lot of problems with my family and it's now completly shattered. I don't have siblings to talk to about it and I'm generally working things through on my own. I guess I'm scared of arguments too but I'll try not to take things personally. Feeling fragile from everything probably doesn't help.
It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and being aware of your issues is the first step to defeating them.
@sarahjane99,
You're welcome. Sometimes, what we need is not advice, but assurance that we are smart enough to know what's best for us.
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