Im 18 and I was sexually abused...My boyfriend wants to have sex

I am sorry this is happening for you.

Can you ask his brother or your sister to tell him for you? I think it would help if he understood.

This is pretty common for folk in your situation and you will likely respond to a gradual approach, where you can become less anxious with each stage of sex. You know in your head that this is very different from abuse, but your body is reacting from the abuse and will need time to adjust.

Have you had any therapy for this? It might help to be able to discuss your feelings and to have your partner go along with you so that he can understand and you can work together to have a happy sex life.

I work in the area, and lots of people I saw as kids need some help when they start their sex life.

There is a huge gap between an 18 year old and a 23 year old.

He is way ahead of you in terms of the pace of a relationship.

You are not ready for what he is demanding from you. (Yes, he is demanding)

Stand your ground. Get to know yourself and do some personal work on dealing with your trauma from the past.

Don't allow yourself to be pressured into doing anything you don't want to. Or you will feel violated, again.

Firstly i am really sorry for you it must of been horrible.
when he does get rough you could ask him nicely to just calm down or take it a little slowly

If you feel uncomfortable the best thing to do is to stop for a minute and then try again the more you do this the more it becomes less distressing


hope this helped

If he is going to get angry and threaten you that he's going to go to someone else for sex then WHY ON EARTH would you still want anything to do with him? I am assuming he's pretty young too but threatening to go have sex with someone else is nothing but emotional blackmail. Is that what you want from a relationship?

I understand his frustration and unfortunately, you're not telling him what happened to you is a factor in his frustration. If you don't feel comfortable enough to tell him about your abuse what makes you think you'd feel comfortable having sex with him at all?

You say that you know this guy for three years, and have been going with him for a year. IMO, if, after all this time, you have not have not felt comfortable enough to have discussed the abuse with him, you are no near ready for a sexual relationship with anyone.

I think that you need to find a therapist who specializes in working with abuse victims. You need to work the issue through, and get past it, if you ever want a sexual relationship.

Get going, and good luck!

Arella- They have been seeing each other for a year, and know each other for three. I don't think that he is being unreasonable. I do think though, that the woman has put up such an emotional wall, that he probably does not REALLY know her. As I have suggested, she needs therapy, in order to get past her abuse.

I understand what you are saying but I am afraid if someone cared so little for me that they would run to another person to have sex then I don't see how that shows they care at all.

If she has been with him for over a year and he still doesn't know the truth of what happened to her that tells me even she knows something is wrong there.

I definitely do agree that counseling would be very beneficial.

I thought you didn't make assumptions. Oh and he's 23, she clearly says that in the last line...and then Punkey mentioned it in a response.

Regardless, I disagree with Arella, because if you're with a guy who is sexual active and they've waited a year, you've got a saint on your hands. Saying he'll sleep with someone else was only said out of frustraition. But if you want to stay with him, you really do need counseling. (If you ever want a normal sex life, you need counseling too) If you're afraid to tell him, take him to a counseling session with you (not the first couple of sessions though and ask the counseler what the pros and cons are of doing this)

I have made no assumptions here. I think it's all been laid out pretty clearly and no assumptions need to be made.

I just discovered your OP today.

I'm very, very sorry over what has happened to you. The sexual abuse of children sickens and enrages me. I've personally known victims of sexual abuse; so, I'm painfully aware of the potential impact of this terrible crime. I witnessed the disintegration of my best friend's marriage because his wife had been repeatedly molested and raped over a period of years by her maternal grandfather when she was a very young girl. He had previously done the same to her mother when she was very young. Her mother did not protect her.

I speak as the father of two young women and as a husband who's been happily married for over 30 years. I'm not a professional, but personally I feel that you're not ready for sex. We're not talking about a casual experience here. (Sadly and wrongfully, virginity has become the new social stigma of the modern age.) Please seek help from a competent therapist. Be careful whom you choose. Believe me, I speak from personal experience.

I think your boyfriend needs to be informed in one way or another about your sexual abuse. If you're able to tell him yourself, you don't need to go into a lot of detail. Just tell him you were sexually abused. That's all you need to tell him. If he's a compassionate guy, he'll understand and stop putting pressure on you to put out. But if he dumps you when he learns about your background of abuse, then he'll only prove that he really doesn't love you and is unworthy of you. Despite the initial hurt, you would be better off; and you'd be in a position to find a guy who cares for you.

There are many guys who simply want to boost their egos by having as much sex as they can. They take advantage of girls and young women who are searching for love. Decades ago in a college dormitory room, I heard an upperclassman (who hypocritically fancied himself a big humanitarian simply because he was opposed to the war in Vietnam) brag about a young woman whom he had seduced into having sex with him. He said he had told her he loved her, but he lied. You don't need a guy like that.

Please be assured you're a beautiful young woman who deserves respect. I wish the very best for you.

Why in the hell does she need to "explain" why she is not ready to have sex with this guy? She's just not ready, past or not.

Like I said before, there is a HUGE gap between an 18 year old girl and a 23 year old man.

You're absolutely right.

Firstly if you are absolutely sure that he feels the same way as you do, you should take the time out to bring him up to speed with what has happened to you. That way there are no doubts and he will be able to compromise with you. You may be able to better recover from your past if he knows and your future with him will have less arguments.

If he loves you with everything he has, he wouldn't say that he would leave you just so that he could have someone to have sex with. He should never even think to hurt you like that.

You need to tell him yourself about what happened to you. It'll be best for you two to talk about it alone and in person about it. He may understand the situation more if he knew how it felt for you and saw your personal point of view on it. Let him walk in your shoes and he'll understand clearer.

Hope this helps.

Trust me. He would.

You should explain it to him before it's too late.

he's not worth..if he's gonna leave you just for that,he's a player

Thank you all for your answers. I finally told my boyfriend what happened about a week ago and things have been a little rocky ever since but I know he's trying to be supportive and he cares about me. I also took your advice and I've been talking to a therapist. She thinks I may be suffering from PTSD. It feels good to be able to talk about this. I feel like I'm on the right track with therapy and everything so thank you guys soo much.

Well done, and I hope things go very much better for you in a while.

This is very difficult material to deal with, and you have taken a vey wise and courageous step.

You are definitely going in the right direction. Whether or not your boyfriend is "the"one, it is important that you work through your issues with the abuse, if you want a mature sexual relationship in the future.