11
   

my husband criticize/correct/unhappy with everything I do everyday, what would I do?

 
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 06:06 am
@PUNKEY,
The psychologist will meet him for my sake tomorrow. I think she is going to
suggest that we go for each of our individual counseling, marriage counseling
as well.

A person suggested me to say those words to him when he is cranky and angry;
It's almost like casting a spell...

I am sorry;
Please for give me;
Thank you;
I love you.

I thought it is nice, interesting idea...
but on the other hand, why should I apologies for unwanted his intervention
and let him continue doing it.
Green Witch
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 02:35 pm
@zhjuan,
Quote:
I am sorry;
Please for give me;
Thank you;
I love you.


I don't understand this.
What are you sorry for?
Why should he forgive you?
What are thanking him for?
Why do you tell him you love him when he abuses you?
This is the chant of someone who wants to be a doormat not a wife.

How about saying this:
You need to show me the respect I deserve as your wife and mother of your child.
I can only forgive you if start to show me respect.
How can I respect you when you act like a spoiled child instead of a good man?
How do you expect me to love you when you continue to hurt me?
And the big finish:
This behavior is no longer acceptable to me and I think we should consider ending our marriage because you show me neither love nor respect. You are not a good example of man for our daughter. I want something better for her. If I do not chose something better for myself it is possible she will think she is not worthy of a better life because she is my daughter and I don't want her to make my mistakes.

zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jun, 2011 02:22 am
@Green Witch,
thanks for care. I haven't use those words yet.
Because I ask myself the same questions too.


0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jun, 2011 05:54 am
I was at the psychologist yesterday and explained all that happened last week.
She suggested that I am very good to have trying my best to take care of my
family, yet I sounded like I have make them way too important than I do for
myself, therefore, when things go wrong with them, my world fall apart with
it. She gave me a home work to do this week to think about good point of things
I do.

I have been working on it, surprisingly, giving myself credit and be happy
in my own skin is not a very easy thing to do.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jun, 2011 12:19 pm
@zhjuan,
Good for you, zhjuan!
My guess is that your husband is having problems of his own. Would he be
happy, he could not belittle you in that manner or disrespect your feelings
to such an extend. Yet, the only person who can stop this, is you!
If you don't take his abuse and tell him to stop it or leave the room as soon
as he starts, he will not have an opportunity to continue. As Eleneor Roosevelt once said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" which means that if you allow it to happen, it will make you feel inferior.

You are a loving and caring person, your husband is so lucky to have you
and he should count his blessings that you still love him. Tell him that every time he is trying to belittle you.
znljubica
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jun, 2011 01:16 pm
@PUNKEY,
Your husband does not like you.
If you want to continue to live with him, then stop him pleasers.
Resist, otherwise he will destroy you.
It is psychological abuse.
zhjuan
 
  2  
Reply Thu 2 Jun, 2011 05:09 pm
@CalamityJane,
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
It's very true. If I were a confident person, he wouldn't able
to make me feel inferior. I think I need to concentrate more
on improving my confident.

While I am struggling to give myself credits all day today,
I thought about why I feel so uncomfortable with his
criticize/corrections/negative commons about things I do.
I DONT GET TO BE MYSELF!

At some stage, I tool nearly all of his ideas on board and did
everything his way, that I ended up talk like him, use his
words, his ideas that my inner self was diminishing. And
because I wasn't using the way I know the best to solve problem,
I feel I was not good at doing anything anymore and that there's
no joyce in doing anything as well; dong everything is hard work.
I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, that I hated myself very
much, and still do little now.

This remind me that I hate waring high heels because I was never
a lady like woman but a tom boy. I feel so uncomfortable in a high
heels because that's not the way I see myself and I couldn't run as
fast in high heels as I do waring runners. When I ware a pair of high
heels, I often feel I am being handicapped. The result of me waring
a pair high heels often end up me not looking so elegant but injuring
my ankles.

Today, I thought about why I am so unhappy all this time. Not allowing me to
do things my way, is to taking away my inner power I desperate need
to be an independent individual.
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jun, 2011 05:32 pm
@znljubica,
Thank for care.
It is psychological abuse, I think.
I am too much a pleaser. I hope the psychologies
could help me get out of there.

As for my hubby, I think he is not well as well.
I think he is very unhappy with himself too that
he just can't stop helping me to perfect me.
Last year, he cried for two weeks for not getting an
average of 96.6 grade out of 14 subjects, instead,
he "only" got 95. I was not able to talk him out of the
despair that he was really angry with himself for a long
time. I think he is also a patient like myself.

I am almost lost all my patience for him as he hasn't move
fast enough to fix his issue so that me and my daughter
have waited for a long time for him to get better but years
later, he still comes home angry with himself and us, and
put a lot of his energy to correct and criticize me.

I am angry because I am suffering from it, I am nearly out
of patience for his psychological issue which he hasn't
put a lot of effort to fix it. I feel sorry for him but I just
can't take any more negative commons about me from him
any longer.

I am really frustrated by the whole situation, big time!!!
I want to be free, and be myself and be happy.
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jun, 2011 05:41 pm
@znljubica,
In other words, if his problem is solved,
that might be end of mine too, I think.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Jun, 2011 09:22 am
@zhjuan,
Do you REALLY think this is the end of his OR your problem? Why you're showing patience to the extent you have is beyond my comprehension. I'm
assuming it's because you've children to consider and have to figure out where's a safe place for shelter.

His intense focus on his already-excellent grades shows he has very little grip on reality and your mutual marital issues. It's a gross understatement to say that he's a perfectionist. The reason he hasn't strived to find a solution to his problem is he either doesn't see it as HIS problem or he doesn't see the problem as severely as you do. He doesn't seem to respect your wishes AT ALL.

These issues and behaviors are not going to go away or be solved overnight or anytime soon. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Jun, 2011 09:31 am
@zhjuan,
zhjuan wrote:

I am afraid that I won't be able to raise my daughter on my own since I am so low in self confident.



This is a choice and a behavior that you will create and live if you CHOOSE to.

Your self confidence is only measured by you. You have full control over this you just need to DO something and not expect or wait for someone else to come along and validate you as a woman, a person or a mother.

There are plenty of ways to support yourself as a woman with a child. If you choose to be afraid of not being able to do it, you will forever FIND ways to NOT do something.

if your husband is a perfectionist like it sounds, he is only confirming your fears by insulting you, diminishing what you do and constantly finding fault. He is comfortable for you because you think this way about yourself too and living with him proves that you are exactly what you want to think you are. He is feeding this lack of confidence in a way you can not feed yourself.

See that.
Change it
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Jun, 2011 09:39 am
@zhjuan,
If you husband will not change, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. It's a difficult decision for you, because you have a daughter to provide for.

In the US, we have shelter services for women with children - many through religious organizations and some non-denominational.

If you have counseling services available, that's probably the first step in your process for peace and happiness. Nobody deserves to be unhappy all their life if change is possible.

Good luck.
Eva
 
  3  
Reply Sat 4 Jun, 2011 10:03 am
@zhjuan,
I was once married to someone who criticized everything I did. I don't know if he learned anything from that failed marriage, but I sure did.

I learned that my self-esteem did not depend on him, or on anyone else for that matter. I get to write the script for my life, and I get to decide whether I will be a strong or a weak character in my life story.

I learned that being a strong character is a whole lot easier in the long run.

I learned that anger can be a very useful thing. The day he said to me, "You'll never leave -- you could never make it on your own" was the day I finally got angry enough to start making plans. I channeled that anger into action because I was determined to prove him wrong.

And he WAS wrong. I started with $300 and an old car full of clothes. I took the first job I could find while I looked for better ones. I doubled my income every year for three years after that.

Ultimately, I learned that the old saying is true: Living well really IS the best revenge.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Jun, 2011 10:41 am
@cicerone imposter,
CI, she stated that she is getting counseling according to what I understand.
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Jun, 2011 11:22 am
@Eva,
Eva, A thumbs up! I agree; we are our own captain of our ship, and must direct our own lives. Being controlled by others is not a life to live.
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Jun, 2011 09:28 pm
@Ragman,
Very true.
"He either doesn't see it as HIS problem or he doesn't see the problem
as severely as you do" This is exactly why I've been struggling with it.
He keeps tell me that either I am often over reacting to his "commons"
or he "forgets" to avoid correct things I say. One of his favorite thing to do
is to correct and proof check my English expressions, grammers and
pronounciations.

Many conversation I have with him and people in the party, while he is
beside me, for instance, he often turns it into an English lessen for me,
as a result I either chocked my words or I stammer afterwards. Not only
I struggle to enjoy myself at a party, I often was afraid to open my mouth
in case I make further mistakes. By the way, most local Irish are quite
amazed with my English so I know my English is definitely aright. He
thinks mine is not perfect and he doesn't like it.

Or at a party, he over heard what I had just said to people and then he got
out of his way to tell them or me that I was wrong to said so and then he
go on to explain his correct version to people. When I try to design a
our garden, he wouldn't let me do it because he couldn't trust me so he did
it himself instead. Even-though, I am a professionally trained Graphic
designer and fine art artist.

Am I really too sensitive or I am just not able to be grateful for his help?

Today, I tried to use a metaphor to make him understand my
struggle. I asked him that "When a dog sat on the floor and you
accidently stood on his tail, what would the dog usually react to this type
of incident ?" He said "a dog normally bite when that happens to it". I reply "
depending on the dog, some would get up, run away whining or
turn around to bark at the person in temper" I went on asking him,
why you keep on give me unwanted help when I have told you that
it's hurting, upsetting me and it make me angry at times?

Nowadays, I have developed a routine tactic to deal with my struggle.
Like any dog will do in that situation, I bark at him, I whine in
despair and more and more often, I make him pay for his behavior by
make him going through a giving out and questioning marathon because
I just can't understand why he keeps stand on my tail knowing I hate like it.
He sometimes replies that he forgets it, or he just trying to help and I am
making a big deal out of it. Every time when I heard him repeating the same
response, I know what is ahead of me tomorrow. I am so not looking
forward to it. It tears my heart every-time when I realized **** will
happen again tomorrow.

I am not proud of it nor excusing myself for what I do to cope with my
suffering. The only way I know how is to repeatedly explain my pain,
my struggle, and the negative impact of his interaction with me has
affect on my confidence and how this has handicapped my ability
to be an self efficient individual. It totally disable my ability to think for
myself, express for myself and standup for myself; I am never right.

It has been 12 years in marriage, the same scenario repeatedly
occur without improvement. I am experiencing déjà vu on daily bases.
I feel so defeated, exhausted, worthless, angry, and worse, lose of hope...
at times, will to live.

My defense mechanism drive me to a point then I snap; the only way
I know how to cope with my suffering by occasionally make him pay for it.
In heated arguments, I curse at him shouted at him, scream at him and call
him names. I often feel guilty and bad tastes in my mouth afterwards but since
I unable to find a way to stop him giving me unwanted intervention and criticism,
I keep going to gain a feeling of justice. 12 years into marriage, we kill and hurt
each other in a vicious circle. Things can be really ugly at times.

When I look at the big picture of my marriage, I am aware
that the way I handle it is not the best way I can, and my behavior is not my
best. My ability to handle the issue have been degraded to a amial's level by
the vicious circle. I bark and whine when I am stand on, when the same
scenario happen again the next day "accidently" again, . I snap. Then I
feel disappointed with myself the following day and beat myself up
for I feel I deserve it.

I am so angry with him right now, for I see he hold the key for most of our
problems. I can't understand why he can't simply solve his psychological
problem out like I did for the family. As a result, my bitterness build up to a
point that I am finding it very difficult to digist all of negative commons he
has give to me to make my life easier.

For the past three years. I got over my childhood trauma, tuned my focus on
my family, put in 100% energy on bring up my daughter, adjust my methods of
educating her as I go to suit her the talents. Do home work with her every
afternoon and then bring her to place to open her view of the world on
weekends.

I also support my hubby to study to be a pilot, though that means we have to
barrow lots money from the bank, for he insisted that's he's ultimate dream.
I look after the child when he is away for months. Carefully, successfully
handled problems when the child was bullied in school, help the child
nesting friends group.

I go swimming on monday, go to a choir on Tuesday, do volunteer
work on Wednesday, ball room dancing and learning to play piano on Thursdays and
then go swimming on Friday again, put my feet up in the evenings. So I can be truly
pleasant inside out and able to offer happiness to my love ones. So I don't get bored
and insured and turn to my hubby for assurance. So I am not a burden of his because
I had a broken childhood. I was very eager to make sure my family will not pay for what
my parent didn't give to him, a childhood, a happy one. I dream of a happy family
since I was a child. If I can, I would love my child have a happy one that I never had.

I am aware that our problem is huge and our challenge is tough. I remember when I met
him, I saw his good heart, his good moral, his witty and his wise views of society. He
still does those things, and he is after all, a outstanding good father, an interesting person,
a good catch, if he is not angry. However, If he was a totally terrible man, I would have leave a
long time ago, but in fairness, he is not "bad enough" to make me quite though I feel what he
is doing is really killing me slowly and softly. I call it the chinese water torturing. If you care
to find out what it means, you would get a grip of how painful I feel about the whole situation.
In return, I am giving him a boot camp treatment in hoping that he will finally taking it seriously
and remember not to get to my nerve once for all.

I can see if he adjusting his way of interaction with me, we would have a happy family that I dream of.
then I don't need to feel that I need to shout and gain.
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Jun, 2011 09:36 pm
@zhjuan,
We both are pathetic!
And I am pulling my hair out.
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Jun, 2011 09:49 pm
@shewolfnm,
Thanks for sharing.
Through counseling, I feel I have power some where in me,
but I am very afraid to go out on my own and I am the reason
my child suffer.

While we don't get on well, both of us are very good to the child,
though he get angry with her when he lost it. The child loves us
equally and dearly. I really hope everything work out.
At the same time, I would love to feel that I can depending on my
own.

We are going to get couple counseling.
I am aware that I have become so bitter that me too should get
over it to make the whole thing work.

I am thinking he stop and I stop and we forgot about the past and get over it.
How possible this is, I can't see it coming in a very soon future.
I hope he could give it a good try.
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Jun, 2011 09:50 pm
@cicerone imposter,
Appreciated.
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Jun, 2011 09:51 pm
@Eva,
Good for you!
Thanks for sharing.
Whether we stay together or not, I would love to be able to depending on
my own. So I have more option to choose from when I am stuck.
Best wishes
0 Replies
 
 

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