"He either doesn't see it as HIS problem or he doesn't see the problem
as severely as you do" This is exactly why I've been struggling with it.
He keeps tell me that either I am often over reacting to his "commons"
or he "forgets" to avoid correct things I say. One of his favorite thing to do
is to correct and proof check my English expressions, grammers and
Many conversation I have with him and people in the party, while he is
beside me, for instance, he often turns it into an English lessen for me,
as a result I either chocked my words or I stammer afterwards. Not only
I struggle to enjoy myself at a party, I often was afraid to open my mouth
in case I make further mistakes. By the way, most local Irish are quite
amazed with my English so I know my English is definitely aright. He
thinks mine is not perfect and he doesn't like it.
Or at a party, he over heard what I had just said to people and then he got
out of his way to tell them or me that I was wrong to said so and then he
go on to explain his correct version to people. When I try to design a
our garden, he wouldn't let me do it because he couldn't trust me so he did
it himself instead. Even-though, I am a professionally trained Graphic
designer and fine art artist.
Am I really too sensitive or I am just not able to be grateful for his help?
Today, I tried to use a metaphor to make him understand my
struggle. I asked him that "When a dog sat on the floor and you
accidently stood on his tail, what would the dog usually react to this type
of incident ?" He said "a dog normally bite when that happens to it". I reply "
depending on the dog, some would get up, run away whining or
turn around to bark at the person in temper" I went on asking him,
why you keep on give me unwanted help when I have told you that
it's hurting, upsetting me and it make me angry at times?
Nowadays, I have developed a routine tactic to deal with my struggle.
Like any dog will do in that situation, I bark at him, I whine in
despair and more and more often, I make him pay for his behavior by
make him going through a giving out and questioning marathon because
I just can't understand why he keeps stand on my tail knowing I hate like it.
He sometimes replies that he forgets it, or he just trying to help and I am
making a big deal out of it. Every time when I heard him repeating the same
response, I know what is ahead of me tomorrow. I am so not looking
forward to it. It tears my heart every-time when I realized **** will
happen again tomorrow.
I am not proud of it nor excusing myself for what I do to cope with my
suffering. The only way I know how is to repeatedly explain my pain,
my struggle, and the negative impact of his interaction with me has
affect on my confidence and how this has handicapped my ability
to be an self efficient individual. It totally disable my ability to think for
myself, express for myself and standup for myself; I am never right.
It has been 12 years in marriage, the same scenario repeatedly
occur without improvement. I am experiencing déjà vu on daily bases.
I feel so defeated, exhausted, worthless, angry, and worse, lose of hope...
at times, will to live.
My defense mechanism drive me to a point then I snap; the only way
I know how to cope with my suffering by occasionally make him pay for it.
In heated arguments, I curse at him shouted at him, scream at him and call
him names. I often feel guilty and bad tastes in my mouth afterwards but since
I unable to find a way to stop him giving me unwanted intervention and criticism,
I keep going to gain a feeling of justice. 12 years into marriage, we kill and hurt
each other in a vicious circle. Things can be really ugly at times.
When I look at the big picture of my marriage, I am aware
that the way I handle it is not the best way I can, and my behavior is not my
best. My ability to handle the issue have been degraded to a amial's level by
the vicious circle. I bark and whine when I am stand on, when the same
scenario happen again the next day "accidently" again, . I snap. Then I
feel disappointed with myself the following day and beat myself up
for I feel I deserve it.
I am so angry with him right now, for I see he hold the key for most of our
problems. I can't understand why he can't simply solve his psychological
problem out like I did for the family. As a result, my bitterness build up to a
point that I am finding it very difficult to digist all of negative commons he
has give to me to make my life easier.
For the past three years. I got over my childhood trauma, tuned my focus on
my family, put in 100% energy on bring up my daughter, adjust my methods of
educating her as I go to suit her the talents. Do home work with her every
afternoon and then bring her to place to open her view of the world on
I also support my hubby to study to be a pilot, though that means we have to
barrow lots money from the bank, for he insisted that's he's ultimate dream.
I look after the child when he is away for months. Carefully, successfully
handled problems when the child was bullied in school, help the child
nesting friends group.
I go swimming on monday, go to a choir on Tuesday, do volunteer
work on Wednesday, ball room dancing and learning to play piano on Thursdays and
then go swimming on Friday again, put my feet up in the evenings. So I can be truly
pleasant inside out and able to offer happiness to my love ones. So I don't get bored
and insured and turn to my hubby for assurance. So I am not a burden of his because
I had a broken childhood. I was very eager to make sure my family will not pay for what
my parent didn't give to him, a childhood, a happy one. I dream of a happy family
since I was a child. If I can, I would love my child have a happy one that I never had.
I am aware that our problem is huge and our challenge is tough. I remember when I met
him, I saw his good heart, his good moral, his witty and his wise views of society. He
still does those things, and he is after all, a outstanding good father, an interesting person,
a good catch, if he is not angry. However, If he was a totally terrible man, I would have leave a
long time ago, but in fairness, he is not "bad enough" to make me quite though I feel what he
is doing is really killing me slowly and softly. I call it the chinese water torturing. If you care
to find out what it means, you would get a grip of how painful I feel about the whole situation.
In return, I am giving him a boot camp treatment in hoping that he will finally taking it seriously
and remember not to get to my nerve once for all.
I can see if he adjusting his way of interaction with me, we would have a happy family that I dream of.
then I don't need to feel that I need to shout and gain.