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my husband criticize/correct/unhappy with everything I do everyday, what would I do?

 
 
zhjuan
 
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 04:21 pm
I am really angry with him today. I can't take any more. I wish to separate from him but I am afraid that I won't be able to raise my daughter on my own since I am so low in self confident. What can I do? God, I am so so angry with him right now.
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 04:39 pm
He may be depressed. Irritablity and negativity are signs.

Is he unhappy at work, too?

You can do anything you put your mind to. If you need to be a single parent, then you will find the strength to do that.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 04:50 pm
@zhjuan,
Zhjuan, I want to look at your past threads to get a sense of our cultural differences. I'm an older woman from the U.S. and I never did put up with that behavior, assuming I had tried to communicate with my boyfriend or spouse - and I think a lot of other women here would agree with me. Also, I would expect my spouse not to put up with such controlling behavior if I was the one doing it.

I am not clear if you do stand up for yourself with your husband. And I am not clear about what is expected within your culture about this kind of situation.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 04:51 pm
@zhjuan,
I feel sympathy for you in your situation. This requires a certain type of dialogue to help you in a way that would be useful. However, I notice in posting history you have other questions from the past which show some marked cultural differences from mine in USA. I think it's far too difficult due to our cultural differences to advise you best.

If you were from our culture I'd probably advise you by telling your husband that you FEEL criticized and really hurt and by his criticism. Furthermore describe to him how you feel minimized and disrespected.

However, if your husband is a sexist, an angry man (or God forbid) a violent man, this could potentially cause you bodily harm. I'm concerned for your safety and well-being. Because of these cultural differences (and other things you've described) I don't know how many here can help you unless they are based in a Chinese culture.
zhjuan
 
  2  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 05:05 pm
@ossobuco,
I am trying to stand up for myself, after three years of counseling. He tries my daughter the same way and life at home every day has no peace. He is angry with nothing all the time. He dislike my country and thinks lots thing we do are barbaric and uncivilized. Yes, he thinks I am not fine.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 05:07 pm
@Ragman,
It 'could' get her beaten. If standing up for herself is likely to get her beaten, then the course taken depends on whether or not she thinks it's worth the price. Say it could end in violence - then in any course taken, the result is negative for her. On the one hand, not standing up for herself results in lowered self esteem, anger, and unhappiness. On the other - the threat of violence.

Other options include (if it's available)
- counselling
-anger management courses,
-self - esteem courses,
-conflict resolution,
-assertiveness courses etc.

Reading books on the subject can be informative and good.

Talking with friends can be good - though there may be cultural issues to consider

I would like to ask - do you have to accept his criticisms? I don't mean argue about it. I mean - do you have to accept them?
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 05:17 pm
@Ragman,
He is not physically violent but he is a very unhappy man and very unhappy with himself and me and my daughter. I just can't take any more that me and my daughter does are being given out every day for really very little things. It's just so difficult to no able to live a day without arguments and fighting.

And the really annoying part is that he is very sweet and gentle when he is with people out side of our family.

It has been 12 years married to him. 12 years of being pick on everything about I do. Only his way is the right way or else.

I want to be happy. OHhh, I am so angry with him right now. 12 years, he has made me a angry person too.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 05:21 pm
@zhjuan,
Well, I'm sad about this. I don't remember all your posts, but I remember liking you. I haven't reread your posts yet (I'm resting, a bit of a hard day for me, at least re my own tension).

I'm glad you have had counseling, with the proviso that the counseler is a good one. You can guess that at first take I would tell you to leave, but I don't know that you have talked with him about all this (or if he would even begin to listen) and don't know that I am smart in saying that.

At the least, I'll say listen to yourself. Don't discount your own observations.
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 05:28 pm
Hello sweetheart. Do you have family or a really close friend who may welcome you and your daughter to stay for a while so you can be relieved of his oppressive behavior and think about this?

Do you work or have any money available to you?
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 05:42 pm
@ossobuco,
I am really heart broken, and I am really tired, am very very tired of trying to perfect myself to fit in, to fit into his standard, to meet his expectations and catch up with his English.

16 years, I have know him 16 years in total, I have been trying for 16 years, and I am very tired and still disappointed with myself at times that he is still very unhappy and still able to find false in me everyday. Counseling has made me a little bit stronger, but I am still not bullet proof enough for being pick on every day and just simply laugh off it.

Trust me, I have tried every thing to make sure he understand how much he is hurting me, upsets me, using the gentlest and the angriest voice I have got, and the most aggressive and the kindest words I could to stop me picking on me. I have cried, laughed, shouted, screamed, begged, and then I feel I have to kill myself to stop it, so now I am seeing a suicide psychologist because of it.

I hope we could still be together and I still love him, and he is the dad of my child, but he has to treat me right. At the moment I "strongly feel" that I have two way out of this; kill myself or leave him. I can't make my daughter sad, so she is giving me the power to hand on there still. This is no life to live in arguments everyday. I am really unhappy about it. I really feel despaired.
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 05:58 pm
@ossobuco,
I really appreciate your thoughtful commons.
The truth is, I still love him, and it really hurting me that he couldn't stop behaving that way. He criticized me today for the methods I use to help my daughter do well in school. I felt so angry at the time, underneath, I guess I felt really sad, hopeless and despair because, everyday, I think about us could be a very happy family if he stops behaving that way. He has just broken my dream once more. I am still waiting for him to change, 16 years latter... I am very tired and exhausted..
Green Witch
 
  2  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 06:48 pm
@zhjuan,
I doubt he will change his character and you can not make him into a different man. Only you can change and be a different woman. Think of the bad example you are setting for your daughter by staying in such an abusive relationship. What advice would you give your daughter if she was in a relationship like this?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 07:34 pm
@zhjuan,
The whole scene of him being gentle with others is something I've observed.

It is hard to figure all that out, as some who are gentle to others are just being themselves, and some who are, are composing a scenario.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 07:38 pm
@zhjuan,
Thank you for that post, it is helpful.

Don't you dare kill yourself. Please do not.

ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Tue 31 May, 2011 07:40 pm
@zhjuan,
No, you do not still love him. You are attached to him, a figment of who you thought he was or is.

0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 04:09 am
@Green Witch,
That's a very good question. It really makes me think and brings a whole new view to me on this matter.

I will be feeling very sorry for my daughter if she is in the same type of relationship.
I will take care of her and support her in any way I could to help her get through this.
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 04:31 am
@ossobuco,
I understand that killing myself is an easy way out for me, but my daughter will be the person paying for it, instead.

I don't like when I am thinking like this.

Went to the psychologist's appointment this morning. She has asked me to try out some technics to turn my head around.
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 04:32 am
@ossobuco,
And I hope those technics will work.
My hope of my life will get better is high again because I have solution to it.
0 Replies
 
zhjuan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 05:34 am
@ossobuco,
I think he is not composing a scenario but he is waring a social mask
that he needs to get on with people. It is default setting in him.
The way I see it is that he definitely has the potential to treat me right.

He doesn't think he should also be thoughtful and caring at home.
We get the real deal. We are the family.

I think he is genuinely a nice guy deep down, but something is really wrong right now.
I still have many good memories of him when he was nice.
And he can be a very good dad when he is not angry.

I am getting hurt everyday. His anger is affecting all of us.
I really don't want to leave him but live with him is just so difficult,
painful and unhappy at the moment that our family is falling apart.
This is really what is hurting me the most.

I can see that we could be a very happy family if we just simply deal
with his own issues (counseling) and do not pick on us instead and leave us alone in peace.

How come he just can't slow down for a little while and try to figure out
why things aren't working for him that why we are so unhappy
and go on to make some change, once for all?

We really could be a very good family if he is less controlling...
I have tried many ways to get me message heard but he can't hear me
for some reason, or he just couldn't understand why I complain
when he is just trying to "help me, take care of me and
that he was only make commons". He sees it as if I am over reacting
all the time and that I am too sensitive.

Which it can be true that I can be a bit sensitive and over reacting at times,
but I would say he is too insensitive, inconsiderate and overly unthoughtful.
He constantly offers unwanted help, intervention,
critics (not solutions, which I would love to get any time),
proof checks every thing I do that he could put his finger on.
and there is only one way of doing things, which is his way.
I am not capable of knowing how he would handle everything,
and therefore I end up always doing the wrong thing...
He is curing me, he thinks.

Isn't it when I say no, he should stop. I things are that simple.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2011 05:42 am
There are techniques for dealing with such a negative person - but it is exhausting to do this on a daily basis.

Then again, you may be ultra sensitive.

We don't know.

Clearly, you all need family counseling. I would imagine your daughter has some thoughts on all this stress in the home, too.

Perhaps you can talk with a male couselor. Your husband may need to hear some words of wisdom from another man.
 

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