Tue 24 May, 2011 11:45 pm
My father suffered a major stroke last year and was placed in a nursing home. I was recently married at the same time. I am having major adjusting with comparing my husband with my father. I also feel caught between the two. After my mom died 11 years ago I have felt the need to be there for my father, but he has often rejected me. Now that he is sickly the relationship I have with him is were I had always wanted it to be. But I feel that I am neglecting my husband's needs. Am I wrong for caring for my dad so much. Or did I rush into marriage to soon? I love my husband and he has been very supportive through it all, but I still find myself missing being a daddy's girl.
There is nothing wrong with being a Daddy's Girl. Dad's are important to their daughters.
But let's look at the situation: YOU are now in the parent role and he is in the child-like role. Yes, your heart goes out to him because he is not the strong man he once was and you have a very different relationship with him, now. He has people to care for him every day, so you can live your own life. That's how it should be.
You have a husband that rightfully needs your attention. He is NOT your father and he is not a child. So try to get some kind of balance in all this. don't let your marriage suffer because of a sick parent.
Agreed, and the only thing to add is, the relationships are (should not be) in conflict. The roles are different. Becoming a wife does not preclude you from being a daughter.
Thanks Punkey, you are absolutely correct! I just often have a difficult time letting go. And I believe part of my problem may due to me accepting the fact that my father is not going to always be around. Thanks for the encouraging words.
No they should not be in conflict. And I have to start allowing the people that are trained to care for him, do just that. That is my fault!! I have always been extremely overprotective and I have to think about myself as well as my husband.
Look, your father is in your need at this point of time, so being a daughter it is not only your duty nut your foremost responsibility to look after him when he needs you the most. Also you mentioned that your husband has been very much supportive through all this, it simply shows his understanding nature and that he is a very nice human being. So if he understands the situation, it becomes easier for you to deal with the situation. And don't think that you are neglecting your husband's need, he is a matured man who will not get annoyed.
I understand your situation and you are doing right so, don't worry as you said your husband is understanding so he will understand that how much you love your dad.
But Marriage life is also important so when you are not around your dad you have to hire some elderly caregiver service provider. Your problem will be solved.
I have felt the need to be there for my father, but he has often rejected me.
In that case you can reject him back with a clear conscience..