I am married and in love with another married woman

Read about Jesse James and Sandra Bullock?

I think deep down you know what's going on. In fact, you said it:

"I think she's playing me.'

Look at it with a clear vision: What you have sounds VERY intense, so right. So what is her hangup? Well, it's not "right" enough. Whether it's guilt, sex, financial, her career, the kids, or social, she is NOT ready to leave her husband and fall into your arms as your next wife. And buddy, take it from me, she will NOT - or she would have a long time ago. She likes things the way they are - exciting, risky, fun, and no obligations.

So . . . yes, you are going to be the "other man." She IS willing to have it be like that for the future. No more, no less. At least she is being honest with you.

So . . . Is that good enough for you? Will that satisfy you?

PS: You are unhappy with your wife, yet you stay. WHY? Stand by yourself and figure out what you want in life.

Man oh man she has got you hooked. She just waggles her finger and you come a-runnin'.

She won't leave her husband, she has too much with him financially to do that. You (or at least a divorce) are a step down for her monetarily. Sorry if that hurts you, but this is a business transaction. You are fun and she (possibly) likes you, but when it comes to the house, etc., she ain't budgin'.

People who love each other find a way to be together. Kids will be okay after a divorce - and don't think they don't think there is something amiss, although they probably can't quite put their fingers on it. I know I am sounding harsh here, but there are people out there whose parents got divorced. I am not saying they weren't hurt or damaged but, ultimately, it was an honest thing to do.

After all, how are her kids - and yours - going to feel about love and marriage if they find out all of this has been going on? Will they trust you? Will they take after you? Even if they don't figure out that there's an affair going on, they may very well emulate you as the model for their own relationships - that you stay with people you don't love, you're secretive, etc. You don't seem to like this behavior in yourself - are you gonna love it any more if your children take it to the next generation?

Question: would you leave your wife if you were not having an affair? I ask because if you would, then leave already and be done with it. Your children will survive, and you will at least stop with the lying and sneaking around. Will you end up with this gal? My money says no. But at least you'll be free in case a love affair comes along where there are no strings attached - and, by the way, don't discount the very real possibility that you (and possibly also her) are smitten and moving fast because of the excitement of sneaking around. Once that's taken away, you may find that the bloom is off the rose.

I am sorry that all of this is happening, but you did this to yourself...(not meaning to be hurtful, just honest).
I can understand being in love, and having that excitement, but Honestly, you NEED to step back, ask yourself first off...... My wife, am i going to leave her, or tell her what has been going on, and ask for forgiveness. In the begining there was indeed something great between you and your wife, no? And she has proven to stay faithful and love you even though this has gone on? She may be throwing it in your face, but it might be because she wants you to remember, how much you have hurt her, how much she trusted you and how it all just fell apart. That isn't something you can just get over.
Next ask........ My mistress, do you honestly think she wants to leave? Would it be fair to ask her to? Is she really IN love with me? It is possible to love more than one person at a time, but to be "IN" love with someone is something very special, something that takes a lot of time and work. Is she willing to do that? I see you are, and its great to see a guy that isn't afraid to be in love. It sounds like she is still in love with her husband, who could blame her, she laid down the rules, and you agreed. Also by her doing so, it almost seems like she meant for this to happen, for you to fall for her so she could have you AND her husband.
Then ask........ The kids, hers and mine, how would they respond? She is your childrens teacher correct? And they are teens? That would indeed have an impact on how they view you and her, they will love you no matter what, because you are their father, but they may be upset with you.... even more so if you continue hurting your wife. Your children will be fine if you decide to leave your wife, they will get over it with time, and everything will be ok. Her children, they are younger yes, they may need time, it sounds like she has the perfect life with her family, a great husband, great kids, a happy marriage.... Is that the case? If so where do you fit in?
I am truly sorry about you situation. But take it from me, her children can get over it also, my father left us when I was 8. I love him dearly today, and I believe I turned out ok. If she really really wanted to be with you and you only it seems like she had plenty of chances to.
.....and about your marriage, no one marriage is perfect, there isn't someone writing out what you should do or say to save it or end it. The only way you can have a "fairy tale ending "with ANYONE, your wife, or mistress, is by talking, being Honest, and knowing what and who you want. You will write your own story, so make it worth reading.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not butterflies and fireworks 24/7. It's laundry and housework and putting the toilet seat back down.

Please. I hate people who are all about the excitement of an affair and think that things will remain the same if they leave their respective spouses. Everything changes. Rare is the circumstance where two people who were in an affair outside of their marriages actually get together and make it work.

If you don't love your wife, that's fine. Leave her. But don't do it over some broad who's going to tell you to stick it once your free.

I appreciate the comments, I really do. Even the harsh ones. I know you are right. If she loved me, she would have already left, or made plans to leave. It hurts because she keeps me at bay when she tells me she has never felt like this before; it gives me hope. As I mentioned thugh, this is very much like a drug. I cannot just stop it. Just this week I thought it was over. She was overwhlemed with work and kid responsibilites and didnt think she could do this anymore. We talked and decided to continue. I asked her 3 times "do you want to end us." At first she said, she didnt know what she wanted, and then she said she did not want to end.

The trouble is, I almost want it to end so I can at the very least clear my head. But I can't bear to be without her. This last week when I thought iwas going to end, I was very down, couldnt work, did nothing but sleep when i got home.

What I still don't understand, is if she did not love me, why was she so torn up when I ended the relationship on our trip? Why did she tell me she loved me then? Why would she not have decided to work on her marriage at that point?

Sounds like you're desperate to hear she loves you, so I'll say it - Maybe she loves you. She has said it to you a couple times and you say she shows it in other ways, so enough already.

Make up your mind and do whatever it is you decide. All this agonizing is getting you nowhere.

Then end it yourself.

I plan to re-evaluate our relationship with her soon. She made recent comments to me about not enjoying sex with her husband and wanted to know the direction of our relationship. Even though she knows how I feel and I want, I rarely verbalize, because she has always said she does not want pressure. I try to respect that.

Please though...nobody has answered this: how can she love somebody who she does not communicate with, shares no intimacy or passion, is not comfortable with, and is not emotionally connected to? She has always said they are superficial, and just "there", not thing great, but nothing horrible. They dont fight at all! Is it just to keep the family unit together?

Anyway, I will update this blog after I have this talk. My next post may include the horrible heartbreak I have been anticipating!

"Love" means something different to each of us. She may love her life with her family in a different way she loves you. I think you're in a losing situation here.

Recognize that the person reporting this situation to you is undoubtedly not giving you the whole story. You are not there with a video camera and you are not in either one's head or heart. There may be a lot more going on there than you think. Or this gal could just be manipulative (my money is on that being the case -- the threat to break up, followed by oh just one more chance is a pretty manipulative move). In any event, apply Occam's Razor to this. What's the simplest explanation? The simplest explanation is that you don't have all the facts. As for why you don't have all the facts, I can't answer that one.

Oh and as for the heartbreak you're anticipating? Uh, you might want to, I dunno, try anticipating something else. For if you are playing this up in your head, you may very well be creating some of this situation, e. g. you figure you'll have a big heartbreak and then you end up making choices to put yourself into that situation and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We do not choose all of our feelings but we can, I believe, once we are mature, choose a lot of them. Choose that a break will be, perhaps, something that is upsetting but will not completely scorch the earth around you. Perhaps you can turn that into a self-fulfilling prophecy instead.

Well, monday was a horrible day for us. We went to a place to have a drink, and my wife's best friend was eating dinner there. I tried to play it off, but she immediately called my wife who then called me. I denied that I even came in there with her, but before the night was over, my phone bill had been scrutinized, my affair partners number and picture and identity were confirmed. My wife contacted her husband, so things really suck right now! More later

Well, now the decision will be made for you, it is out of your hands - it's unfortunate that your wife found out this way, and it's even more unfortunate that she contacted her husband (your wife had no business doing so), but you all have to deal with the consequences now.

My guess is that your girlfriend is patching things up with her husband, she'll agree to end the affair and you're left to deal with your own emotions. I also think you should make a clean cut with your wife. Life is too short to be living in an unhappy marriage and your wife deserves to have a partner who loves and cherishes her. You both have the opportunity to find new life partners now.

Good luck to you!

So there as been a lot of drama and confusing feelings since we were caught. My wife sent her an email outlining our affair. My AP spoke, and after she and her husband spoke she now knows I am meant for her. She loves me, has been in love with me, but had a very hard time admitting because she didnt feel she gave her marriage a fair shot. Now she put everything out there to him and says she does not feel nearly as comfortable or close to him as she does with me; their best is nowhere near OUR best she tells me. So she said at some point she wants to spend her life, her soul, and herself with me. This was over the weekend. We have had to communicate via secret email and work-work phone calls. We had had sex one time since this in a parking garage in my car.
I sent her a long email based on her comments about now wanting to be together. First, I was bewildered that this is now the second major crisis we had had in our relationship and she expresses her love for me. Secondly, I am confused about us hurting our spouses by the affair being exposed, telling them we made a big mistake, and now we want to make it work(with them). Then, when the time is right, we hurt them again, by leaving to be together. In the meantime we sneak around to be together, but this time we are like 2 fugitives because nobody can see us together.
So she replies(after we had sex) about her feelings and thoughts toward my email. She wants to go to counseling for herself, work on her marriage, her kids, make plans if necessary, etc. Therefore, she wants for us to quit playing games and to take a break from each other for 6 months. After that time, if we still want to be together, we need to tell our spouses and plan that life together. I need to leave my marriage sooner than that, but still do not have enough money, and i really need her to be working. There is another HUGE piece to this that I cannot let get out. I have complicated things beyond belief.
My wife sent him an email via FB and through her personal email with the affair details and cell phone records. He never responded and my wife was concerned because she wanted him to know. I wish now I hadnt, but i sent him an email via my wife's email(posing as my wife) with a secret email and password which had our affair documented. He only read a couple(per my AP), but this email caused him to believe the affair was valid, whereas my wife's emails left him with doubt(per my AP). He responded to MY email to her account, which I promptly deleted because it was attached to the email I had sent(posing as my wife). My wife then was concerned as time went on that he had not responded. So I created an email with his name and basically said thank for the info, dont want to correspond with this dialogue via comapny email, please respect our privacy as we try and repair our family. Anyway, now I have created much more than need be because I cannot have them talking at all. I do not want it ever discovered that I sent that email. So I now I have to monitor both my wife's email as well as the email I created, eseentially forever. If I leave now, my wife may contact her or her husband, and i cannot have that! So I am stuck until the dust settles.
I know somebody will tell me how stupid I am to do that, so go ahead. I am also interested in thoughts regarding her 6 month proposal.

Talk about apples and oranges!! Of course you have more fun together right now than you do with your respective spouses. The spouses are hurt and angry and probably generally total downers right now. (Guilt, such a bummer.). Whereas with each other you get validation and excitement.

This is totally apart from the usual stacked deck of affairs -- seeing the AP only when you want to, looking forward to the rendezvous, etc., vs. the humdrum everyday experience of married life.

And yes, the email thing, SO stupid.

It sounds like you have already decided that your marriage isn't working and you want out. My advice is to focus on that -- getting your finances together so you can do that.

The rest is a distraction.

I'd have advice for your AP too but that's kind of a separate thing.

The six-month plan sounds pretty good, but in practice I'd suspect it would just ratchet up the illicitness/ excitement again now that your spouses know. (That is, restart the whole "we shouldn't... But I just can't stay away from you! *swoon*" thing that you've had going on.)

There are a few things you should do;
1. Firstly since you know or believe that what you are doing is not fair to your wife then its best to just end the relationship with her. Not because you want to go to your mistress but because you really don't love your wife anymore.

2. Now after you sort out leaving your wife you should see where you truely stand with your mistress. After knowing that you will know exactly what you should do.

Please note however that this may not turn out in your favour at all and as a result you will have to rehabilitate from your mistress and move on.

Hope this helps.

Well, I am perplexed. The only reason I do not pack up and leave now is because I do not want my wife contacting her husband again. When this first happened(we were caught) I thought she definitely wanted to be with me. Now, I again am not so sure. But I cannot find in me to part from her because I am deeply in love and she has given me hope. Never in our relationship has she told me so often that she loved me and that she definitely wanted to share her life with me. Was this merely because she was unsure if her husband would stay married to her? Now that he has said he " wants to work it out" she comes to me with this 6 month proposal. She knows full well that if we are caught contacting each other, he will leave. Since she has introduced the 6 month idea, she contacts me any chance she gets. We have planned to eat lunch next week, I am supposed to go to her office next week, and she wants to meet one more time for a day with me the following week. In her mind we begin the 6 months after that. I am not so sure. I WANT to meet up with her then, but I dont want that to be the end. We both are taking our familes on vacation the following week. I asked her if she would still be able to communicate that week and she tells me yes, she will on her end.

So what gives here? What do I tell her? Do I give her an ultimatum at the hotel? We either make our plans(even if they take a while) or we part ways now forever. I mean she tells me loves me, wants to be with me, but she also is trying to keep things peaceful at home( I suppose that's natural). In fact, i am trying to keep things peaceful at home, but for different reasons. My wife and I have had more sex since this happened than we had all year! I thought it would mean something, but it doesnt. I still want my AP. I get mad at my AP because I feel she is playing with my emotions. On one hand she tells me she is sure of what she wants, then she doesn't. I am going to copy and paste some emails here of what she told me at first, my response and then a few others. Please tell me what I should do here!

June 19th(The weekend after all this happened)
Hey! Hope you enjoying ur day...things are still stable here...but I know now that you are meant for me! I was always so afraid to allow myself to feel for you becausei felt like I had not given my marriage a fair shot...last night I felt that I finally, after all of these years, said everything I had always wanted to say...and although this may be hard to hear, I have never felt as close to him as I did after our talk; however, the closeness is no where near what I have felt w/u, the comfort does not even compare...i now know that even at mine and my husbands best, it is nowhere near'our' best...so what to do from here...i think you are right, we have to stabalize @ home, make sure our partners know we aren't going anywhere right now, but at some point (dont know when), I want to share my life, my soul, my self with you...from this point fwd, the only time I will mention anything about my husband, will only be if it's something you need to know. I will spare you details about dinners, outings, etc. And if you will please do the same for me, lie to me if you need to and tell me you went w/ur kids instead of w/her...im glad we're no longer fb friends so that we don't have to see pics of each other w/our spouses...block me from OUR FB page so that you don't have to see a pic of me...please...oh, I have asst prin meeting tomorrow until 9:30 or 10 and then a super busy day...i will still find time to call you whenever you think it's ok...just let me know...must be very careful about outing...not sure if before vacation or after is best...lets talk...what do you think about a 3 pm thing this upcoming week??...todo mi amor

June 17(3 days after all came out)

Thoughts post Bs
So...its been a horrible week...and I won't take time here to discuss home life...i've experienced heartbreak, anger, love, doubt, all of these things for you in the last few days...@ first I cried lots...any thought, song, memory, food! that reminded me of you brought me to tears...today I still long for you and get sad when I think back, but I'm choosing to draw from some of these same items and instead laugh, smile, enjoy...i don't know what our future looks like...for me, will depend a lot on how things go @home...we have both been extremely patient...which is almost impossible for me, and I guess we will continue practicing it...i have learned so much over these last few days...mostly how much I really am in love with you...that has been very difficult for me to admit up to this point, but it is very true...so now what...i don't know! Maybe one day that beach dream will become a reality...in the meantime, ur words, both spoken and written, get me through the days and nights...urs always, XOXO

June 22(my response to us "stabilizing" and then leaving)

You and I have established that we want to be together someday. It is painful being apart right now. Our plan is to convince our spouses that we are not going anywhere NOW, but then later on we will? We have already hurt them. Now we falsley tell them about our mistake and how we want to stay married to them?(but we(i) dont)...I cannot understand why my wife wants to stay with me after this, but she does. So we let the dust settle and then hurt them again? Again, make no mistake, I will wait as long as necessary for you. You are the true love of my life. I just wanted to let you know that I struggle. I am telling lie afterlie at home now. For me, nothing has changed since I made the decision to leave. I would ideally want her working again before hand. One other thing. You said it cant be because of you. AP, it wasnt before, it IS and WOULD BE at this point. I am just being honest. My marriage was tattered before, but it is so clear to me that I simply married the wrong person, and that is why I have strayed. Now that I have found you, I want to make everything right, live by my true character, be myself, be comfortable,

These are the thoughts that I process through now. I hope it does not disturb you or make you uncomfortable. Nothing has to change.

HEr response June 22

Thoughts
Been thinking lots about ur comments regarding hurting our spouses, how long we can wait, etc. Gonna propose something...what if we take a break for 6 months...work on our marriages, our kids, ourselves (i really want to go to counseling myself btw) and then talk again first part of 2012...if @ that time we feel that what we really want to do is make a life together, then we make plans to sit down with our spouses to let them know...u are right, it is not fair to them...i also have thoughts on that piece...i would personally want to stay in my house, etc....thoughts?

Last one June 22(we have been communicating non-stop since this..have seen each other a couple of times, had sex twice)

Thx for understanding...i wuld like to see you before we begin this hiatus...just not sure when...perhaps !uly 8?...i want to be sure that I am making the best decisions for myself and my family and to do that I need some time away...i appreciate ur patience...u could have just said 'screw u'...and even tho you say that you know @ the end of six months where you want to be, don't you think that ur feelings for making ur marriage work could change? (no need to answer that now)...i want to be able to know that I have made the right decisions...as I said, I've been reading and thinking a lot these past few days...todo mi amor XOXOXO

I appreciate all of you...I would like somebody to reply to my last post. However, in the next week or so i need to delet this blog. Does anybody know how to do that? can you pplease help?

Honestly, I feel bad for your wife. You know what you did and you should have made a decision earlier rather than keeping your relationship that long with your wife. If you feel that your mistress is playing you, she is. Do you think you will be happy when both of you lived together? For sure there will be disagreements or quarrels, because that is a phase in a relationship.

If you'll make a decision, you shouldn't turn back then.