Have you ever been told you were inadequate and this caused you to allow people to treat you wrong?

This is going to be hard, and you probably won't like the advice, but i think it might help. When i was in training in the army, the drill sergeants would get in peoples' faces, screaming at them and calling them every low name short of actual profanity. It had a really depressing effect on many of the trainees. But what i noticed was that those who applied themselves to the training, and mastered the required skills, tended to pay less attention to the abuse, because they knew that they had accomplished something. It may not sound like much, but the ability to disassemble and re-assemble and M14 rifle in three minutes or less is a difficult acquired skill. The ability to complete a "confidence course" (popularly known as an obstacle course) within the required period of time made people confident, too. Both of these are skill sets which can be acquired by anyone who is not physically disabled.

The other thing i noticed is that those who looked for support from the other trainees were often disappointed. There is something i call the mark of Abel, where someone who is being abused becomes the target of abuse from others. Those who learned to shrug it off, to value genuine good will from decent people were those who were best able to rise above the abuse, to form a good opinion of themselves despite the abuse.

So, for as desparately important as the good opinion of others, and a lively social life may be for you, you may have to accept that you will have few friends for a long time. You will need to be able to look dispassionately at how people treat you, and to reject those who do not treat you well, as well as to make friends of those who do treat you well, even if they are not exactly socially acceptable. You may have to accept a feeling of loneliness for quite some time until you can build up a circle of genuine friends who like you for who you are, and not because others find you "popular."

I'm a firm believer you can count the number of true friends on one hand, the rest are acquaintances. That being said, what Set said is very true. You must find in your self your self worth and never depend on anyone to make you feel better and definitely not worse. If you love yourself, people will be drawn to you.
Listening is the most important skill a friend can have, so develop that skill as well. If you appear interested in what people say and less on what you think they want to hear you'll make friends far sooner.

Yes.

In all seriousness, I suggest that you get a dog. Your dog does not judge you, nor call you inadequate. The relationship with such a creature will draw out the best in you and make you happy with who you are; then you are on your way.....But don't forget about your dog.

These people are all correct, sweety. (Well, not sure about adding a pet to the equation...) The problem is that you didn't get the proper adult help in learning how to esteem yourself. When you value yourself in a healthy way, other people may be mean to you - it hurts - but it doesn't affect how you feel about yourself.

As long as your dad belittles you and makes you doubt yourself - the bad parenting is exacerbating your poor esteem foundation. You need some relief from this.

I think we have some people here who may be able to give you some good ideas about how to turn this bad pattern around.

I know the right thing to do is to strongly suggest you try to find a therapist to help you learn how to respect and like yourself. If you can do that, do! If not, I have some ideas if you want to hear them.

and btw, you are a wonderful, beautiful human being. Seeking help is a sign of strength. This journey you're beginning can lead to a satisfying, happy life. You will be ok...and better than ok in time.

Your dad may be right that you lack social skills. Big whoop. (He's lacking a couple of parenting skills...) Anyway, you can develop them. If he says things like "you're not going anywhere in life" again, I hope you tell him (calmly, but sincerely) that having your parents put you down instead of give you concrete tools to improve certainly isn't helping. Maybe if he starts this mess again with you, you can say - "well, if you're unsatisfied with my social skills, why don't you take me to a therapist and let's all discuss what's going on." I hope he knows random negative criticism only makes it worse.

And your dad thinks that speaking to you in this way will improve your social skills & help you to focus on getting somewhere in life?
Sounds like it wouldn't hurt if he developed a few social skills himself!
Good luck & try not to take too much crap from bullying types like your "friend".
Real friends don't treat you like that.

I am actually a big animal lover and own some animals. As much as they fill my life with happiness that cannot take over the want to be with other human beings.

That is not the primary goal. It is instead helping a process that provides self actualization. In effort to achieve your goals you are going to have to start with the process that puts you on the path towards your goals, and that means that you are going to have to be happy with yourself and a pet is a great way to get there. The point is that nobody wants to be around unhappy people, so do that which brings you internal joy and people will be attracted to that in you.

I doubt that the person you refer to as a friend ever was your friend. Maybe she just likes treating people badly, and you seemed to be a willing recipient.

I was going to suggest that you just be yourself. But I have a feeling that you don't quite know who that is. I think the right therapist would be a great help to you.

Thanks for the suggestions, I will not see a therapist though. I feel so betrayed by my so called friends and feel like I'll never find someone I can trust.

Absolutely true. Deciding that you don't like the status quo is the first step at the fork in the road you're standing at. You can continue down the path of letting other people dictate how you feel about yourself or you can read and reread and read again the above affirmation until it rings true to you. The message you allow to sink in -- whether it's a positive affirmation like the one above or a negative affirmation like the one you hear from your father will determine which fork you take on your journey.

The only person who you have to live with for the rest of your life is yourself. You have to like the person you see in the mirror in the morning before you can worry about how other people see you. What do you see when you look in the mirror?

I hope that you will grow to forgive and understand your father some day. Most likely, he was brought up by a verbally abusive parent who ran him down. He did not learn how to parent. Poor him.

But what about you?? The news is: Hurrah!!

You have the power now to break this awful chain and break away from that "tape" that he plays - and now is playing in your head - that says you will never be worthy enough to have human friends or connections.

PLEASE sit down with a professional and get some help in adjusting the mirror in which you see yourself.

Good luck.

Please do this NOW, so you will enjoy life, become a father some day and parent your children in a loving, supportive way.

Well, I for one do take this suggestion in all seriousness.



The dilemma that confronts many who are both unhappy and disconnected from other people is which of the two problems to address first. In order to feel happy you need to be around others who appreciate you, so if you are to cure the unhappiness you must address the disconnect first. But no one wants to keep company with depressed people, so if you are to cure the disconnect you must first cease to be unhappy. It is a vicious circle from which there can appear to be no way out.

Dogs provide a way out. I guess, if we imagine what we must look like through our pets' eyes we are all pretty incredible.

Thanks!

you are on the one.

this video, of a soldier returning home after a year in Iraq is exactly what I am talking about