How to deal with my wife's depression and desire for a baby

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My wife and I are 20 years old. Recently she has been super depressed. I ask her why and it's always something about a baby. "Because I'm not pregnant" "If I had a baby I'd be happy" I told her I'm not ready for a baby and that has always been my story. Nothing has changed. I think it's great she wants kids(I do too) but I don't want kids right now. This is really tearing us apart.

She pushes me to agree to have a baby almost daily. It's gotten to the point where everytime she talks about I get very angry and I feel disrespected. I feel like if I said no 100 times already that I shouldn't have to say it again. She tells me that "If you loved me you'd give me a baby" When she says stuff like this I get livid. I have plenty of reasons for not wanting a child right now and I feel she should respect that. I've told her the honest truth about why this isn't going to happen right now but these conversations persist and they almost always end in a fight. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and lost. I feel like I'm being pushed into having a child that I'm not ready for. I feel disrespected. I have become depressed myself over this because everytime we talk it's about a baby, and everytime she talks about a baby I get angry because of how many times I've said to her I'm not having right now. It's completely irrsponsible of us to have a child right now. (Note that if it happened, I would do everything in my power to give my kid a good life and I'd love him/her with all my heart I just don't feel like we should intentionally have a child right now.)

I'm depressed, unhappy,and I feel disrespected. What can I say to my wife to get her off this baby thing. What am I doing wrong?

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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 23,761 • Replies: 19

@babycrazy,

I can't guess what, if anything you are doing. I will agree though that this is a terrible time to have a baby.

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@babycrazy,

Why do you think she wants a child right now instead of a few years from now?

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@babycrazy,

Ai yi yi this is a recipe for disaster.

A baby isn't going to cure her depression. And creating resentment in you is not a great way to strengthen your marriage in preparation for bringing a kid into the world, yes? Plus, what'll happen to her if you try and she still doesn't get pregnant immediately? That happens, yanno, even to fertile couples in their 20s who are actively trying. Sometimes the cards just don't fall right. What will be her emotional state if she doesn't turn up the baby card in, what, a month, a few months, a year?

I think your wife needs to speak to a counselor about this (and if she won't go, you might want to at least consider going alone if for no other reason than to figure out ways to deal with all of this), to see why she thinks a baby is going to be a magical cure-all for everything and why nagging you about it is such a hot idea.

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@engineer,

And why did you get married now?

I'm just wondering if there was some sort of agreement -- even if tacit -- that you were getting married so that you could have a baby. What sort of discussions did you have pre-marriage?

From what you describe, though, she's being really unfair.

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@sozobe,

I wonder if we drive down to the root cause, we might find a completely different problem.

Example (Completely made up on the fly):
Why do you want a baby? My life isn't meaningful.
Why do you feel that your life isn't meaningful? I'm not doing anything of value.
Why do you feel you aren't doing anything of value? I'm in a dead end job that sucks.
Why do you feel you are in a dead end job that sucks? I can't see myself ever succeeding as a McDonalds worker. I mean this is a summer job for teens! If only I'd gone to community college I might have gotten a real job.

OK, the source of the problem is extreme satisfaction with your current life and the belief that taking on a new role as a mother will allow you to escape the role you are in now.

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There could be lots of reasons why she is obsessing on this:
- her friends all have babies
- it's a cultural thing (is she being pressured by family or your culture?)
- she is afraid she is losing you, so a baby would lock you in.
- she is bored; she has no life of her own. (dis-satisfied with herself, so she thinks a baby will make her "happy")
- she lost a child before and wants to re-create the pregnancy

Who knows? Is she able to tell you why she is getting obsessed about this?

Can you financially afford to have a child?

How about a puppy or kitten?

Or encourage her to volunteer at the local daycare center or old folks home. Those residents are often like babies and have the same needs.

If she persists, get to counseling. You both are too young to have children and her neediness about this should be of concerned.

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What is her family life like? Does she have many siblings? Did they marry and have children really young? Does she have some sort of pressure being put on her from her parents or siblings?

A
R
T

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My advice to a young woman who was being pressured to have a baby that she isn't ready for would be to get out while the getting is good.

So that's my advice to you, too.

Kids are great but they are seriously life changing; the decision to have a baby should be taken very seriously by two people committed to the same idea. When that isn't the case the fallout for the kid is enormous.

I saw this TED talk a while back about the things people never talk to you about having a baby. Interesting:

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@babycrazy,

Tell her that you guys are just 20 and you have lots of time for baby making..right now you need to work on your career goals so that in future you can give your baby everything that he wants. Convince her! She needs a counselor. Its better if both of you could see some marriage counselor.

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Tell her to completely stop having sex with you until you get depressed and constantly remind her of your desire for sex. That way both of you will feel the same.

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@babycrazy,

The decision to have children (or not to have children) is a very personal one; but nevertheless one that directly affects society as a whole, and thus it is a decision laden with responsibilities that far outweigh our selfish desires either way. Not all persons should have children. Many have children for all the wrong reasons, and as many make for poor parents that treat their children as no more than personal possessions. Indeed, most people give more thought to buying a puppy than they do to bringing a child into the world. As Darwin observed: “Man scans with scrupulous care the character and pedigree of his horses, cattle, and dogs before he matches them; but when it comes to his own marriage he rarely, or never, takes any such care. . . .” Charles Darwin, Descent of Man, Ch. XXI, “General Summary and Conclusion” (1871). The principal distinction between man and the rest of the animal kingdom is the ability to reason; and yet how little consideration is given to such an important matter as rearing a child. One would think that we had but small brains for the lack of foresight as to the consequences of our decisions.

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@babycrazy,

I think you should try to see why she wants a baby so early. You should both talk about your plans for the future and when would be the best time to have a baby for the both of you. If she still wants one sooner, try compromising. If she wants to have a baby in 1 year and you would rather wait 3 years, tell her that you guys can meet in the middle and wait 2 years. You know. Hope this may work for you. If she won't listen, I think you should tell her why you feel disrespected and why you feel not ready for a child and maybe she might see the situation differently if she was in your perspective. Good Luck!

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@babycrazy,

You're doing noting wrong. From a married womans' perspective I understand exactly where your wife is at. I am 24 years old. How long have you and your wife been married?

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@babycrazy,

I'm guessing that if you even talk about waiting she explodes... How long have you been talking about this? How long have you been married?

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@babycrazy,

If you put it off too long, who's to say that either of you would still be able to have or produce a child. It's better to be young and able to run around after a child, or be like me, extremely depressed because of that messed up decision that my first husband had to be on birth control when we got married. Things did not work out between us, I still have never had a baby and have since gotten married to my husband now and he had a vesectomy about a year before we met. A baby of my flesh and blood is looking more and more like a dream that wil never happen because of waiting and listening to that man. I just turned 40 and depression is in my body. I feel my dream slipping away. Make her dream come true now. Everything will fall in place for your baby.

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@babycrazy,

You have 2 choices on the table

1) agree to a baby

2) let the girl go

Sorry if you dont like you choices. now choose.

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Jesus people, all this is back from 2011!

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@chai2,

Yep. Good Catch.

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@babycrazy,

make her feel special... paint a picture of your future. Painting & arts would come in handy like this kind of situation. Never let her be alone

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How to deal with my wife's depression and desire for a baby

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