Soulmates, lovers, significant others, you know that stuff

women in the past needed a stable environment to raise their children. Often if a man was not present they were unable to defend themselves and their progeny from wild animals. Men, because of their phyical capability were more capable of providing protein.
The whole marriage thing goes all the way back to the stoneage.
One reason why divorces are so common these days is because both men and women no longer have a defined role within a relationship.

Don't you get bored of that same person seeing them everyday?
Yes sometimes. But the benefits far outweigh the negetives.

I've been married for 25 years. we have been through a number of different "stages" in our relationship and only now are we both beginning to appreciate each other within the confines of a relationship.

Relationships are not about what you GET. Relationships are about wht you GIVE.

Your post smacks of a very juvenile and selfish attitude.

What else would you give that time to? Partying? Many partners? Your career?

I'd agree - this person is in no position to get married. I think many marriages end in divorce because many people are selfish and rather than do the difficult, work and compromise - they take the easy route. And others have an unrealistic imagine of marriage - it isn't all easy and happiness, but neither is life. You get out of something what you put into it.

If something is really worth it - it is worth working hard at it.

Hi Linkat, I am new to this forum.

I also have to agree with you on this one. If something is really worth it, it is worth working hard at it. Today many marriages end in divorce because of selfishness, like you said and also because of PRIDE and so they take the easy route. I n a marriage, both parties have to work hard at it, EVERYDAY. It's a job and you have to work at it. There's couples that love each other so much, but because of their PRIDE, they will not budge to make it work so it ends up in divorce. But it takes two to make it work. If one party is upset for whatever reason, the other should at least try talking to see what's wrong and take it from there, but both of you have to be willing to listen to each other. I talk by experience.

I really have to create a single thread where I put all of the latest divorce stats and then I can just keep linking to that every time it comes up rather than pointing out again and again that no, the majority of marriages do NOT end in divorce.

But that's just another item in a long to-do list, will get to it when I can.

Crayon, if you're interested, the book "For Better" by Tara Parker-Pope contains many answers to your questions.

http://www.amazon.com/Better-Science-Good-Marriage/dp/0525951385

I agree with you that the OP is not ready for marriage. But I disagree with your comments about divorce.

Sometimes people make promises they can't keep. And sometimes they get themselves into situations they can't handle, no matter how hard they work at it and how much help they seek.

The truth is, often we DON'T get out of something what we put into it.

I really believe that most people, in most situations, do the best they can. Unfortunately, that isn't always enough to make things work out the way they want. Life is complicated, and love is often messy. But when it DOES work out, it can be wonderful.

That is why I said "many" not all.

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

different results by cohort, but it's still not "most"



and the numbers are slowly going down

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage_divorce_tables.htm

4.0/1000 in 2000
3.5/1000 in 2009

Certainly one doesn't need to get to married and if we could turn off the parts of our beings that long for connection and relation to others then, theoretically, we could devote ourselves to something bigger for mankind. I get where you're coming from.

However there is something you get from having a lover, significant other, soulmate, spouse, etc... depending on how uplifting the relationship is. At it's best you get to know and be known, to connect deeply to someone who isn't you, to give love and to receive it, to appreciate friendship and humor. If you are good to each other you get to lean and be leaned on, stimulate each others brains and hearts, and possibly even become your best self because of the unique effect a person can have on you're outlook. At it's worst you get neglect, pressure, loss of self, disconnectedness, obligation, and misery. If you are lucky in life you may get both so that you can learn enough lessons from the worst case to know how to find and appreciate the best case. All of this is, of course, quite separate from the legal institution of marriage.

Excellent post, Miss Duck . . .

Why thank you, Master Set.

I agree.

By the way, I think the concept of "soulmate" can be dangerous. I think there is a certain kind of naive romantic (nobody who has posted on this thread) who keeps looking off into the distance for some vision of perfection while ignoring people closer by who have the makings of being a good romantic partner. The type I'm thinking of is big on soulmates, and I think it becomes a sort of a crutch and/ or excuse.

Not that everyone needs to be partnered up. I think that as long as one has a good social network, partnering is strictly optional. (I do think most everyone needs a social network of some kind though.) But the people who are actively looking for a "soulmate" seem to often sabotage themselves.

I'm remembering early smart ass group (my girlfriends) arguments about soul mates, pro and con. Mates seems more the right word to me now.

Agreeing with all so far.

Do they? Define "most".

Yes. I agree 100%