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How To Be A ....
25 Rules for Being a Good Republican
1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are a millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for your "recovery."
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq, but not Israel.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the "wrong" gender or in a manner other than a missionary might approve of.
5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
7) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.
9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
10) You hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.
11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.
12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money and sacrifice of their citizens lives for our corporate interests.
15) You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.
16) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.
17) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science" but Creationism should be taught in schools.
18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.
19) You have to believe that Saddam was good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
20) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, and the Bible, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous and greedy monetary affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter."
22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.
23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.
24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is "stale news" and "irrelevant."
25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.
Feel free to add other Republican core beliefs to the list.
With my new conservative attitude I have no trouble believing all of those things, Mc Tag, I was a little disappointed that you didn't add the one about how everyone can achieve anything in this great country of ours no matter what their color (please not at our golf course) or creed (please none of that weirdo stuff unless Nancy Reagan says it's okay) or way of life (as long as they act exactly like we do.)
I have to tell you, I love the smugness. I used to listen to conservatives call Liberal elitist and I thought "What the ???" but now I see that that was just a neo-con joke, see? You beat down on the opposition with the things that are wrong with yourself so of course we right wingers shout out about the elitism of the left. (What a yuck!) Not as funny as the "Liberal Media" joke but just as effective on putting those progressive back on their heels.
See I've learned that as a liberal I was always defending myself, trying to explain a position but as a conservative I don't have to do that. I JUST IGNORE ANY criticism as irrevelent as long as the money is coming in. And boy is the money coming in.
So I see very little hope for anyone left on the left..
and I am changing my name to :
NEWT NATION
I think the noise I made upon reading Joe's - excuse me, Newt's - last post most closely resembled a guffaw.
say it's not really the sex........although you probably shouldn't know too much about what that is or was........it's the lie that makes Democrats such fools. Then when someone comes along to defend or question.......say, "you liberals are always bringing up Clinton and Monica, can't you get over it? Bush was elected and now he's the president so stop whining.
We conservatives are shocked at such behaviors, shocked. And we never, well, rarely ever, participate in such shenanigans. And we will keep denying same till you're as blue as the State you vote in. And we never say sex, we say lie. Now I know some of you liberals have been pointing out some of our President's lies, but they aren't lies, they are
f-ck-ups, I mean, honest differences of interpetitletation, to use the President's word.
Anyway, we have all the power and all of the money. Na Na Nyah.
Newtie Nation
And hey, no NUDIE Nation jokes okay??? I see that coming a mile away.
(Damn, I'm getting good at this.. Joe)
Wait, wait, what about "Jeb"??? Jeb Nation???
Jeb Nation yeah, I like it.
It always sounds to me like the oldest brother in a hillbilly feud.
Or
Tar Nation (What in........)
or
Car Nation (the flower of our youth!!)
or
Dam nation? That country owning large reservoirs of water.
Conster nation? That place where prison inmates learn to cook.
Dam Nation, dadgummit, Piff, you beat me to it.
It's the whole family of nations.....oops.... sounds too one-worldy for a true blue uh red uh sh-t! what color are we neo-cons.????. Hell, we can't be red,, it's the liberal media's fault !!!!!
I'm going to go lie down, but not lie about it.
Damn Nation
A few more helpful attitudes:
Handouts and welfare are bad, unless businesses are getting them.
Government regulation of business is bad, because it hinders free enterprise, and the free market will correct all injustices if left alone. See: the oil industry, the tobacco industry, child labor practices of the 19th century, etc.
If you don't own your own business or aspire to own your own business, you deserve whatever happens to you.
Taxes are bad because they just take money out of businessmen's pockets and give it to people who don't own their own businesses.
Freedom of thought and expression are unnecessary because everything you need to think is already to be found in the Bible and on Rush Limbaugh's program. This is primarily practiced by Communists and fellow travellers who do not own their own businesses.
You should own your own business, and devote every waking hour to making lots of money. Or else you will just be scum.
The one who dies with the most money wins.
Oh, and I forgot the old "carrot and the stick" game:
Executives need incentives to perform; workers need penalties to make them perform.
And always remember that if we're not with you, we're against you and that God is guiding you.
Yes, I see o wise ones.
Let us tell the world:
If it wasn't Clinton's fault, then it must have been your own fault.
I am going to make a little compendium of these thoughts and put them in a little red book to carry around with me.
Tar Nation
I'm sorry if this has already been offered, but I didn't visit the thread yesterday:
Liberals do nothing but whine about Republicans, but have no solutions of their own.
Tell that to Clinton.
I heard this on the radio this morning, "Jeb"... you should be calling yourself "Son of Reagan." Remember it is your job to police the world and make it safe (profitable) for the giant corporations who depend on you.
So different from the "We don't cotton to nation building" message of the early GW BUSH, but I must adher to the present message, "If Haliburton is strong, then peace be damned."
or something.
I need an Advil.
Con Ster Nation
Hillary Clinton should be bound and gagged and chained to the stove in her kitchen. She must bake cookies for 40 days and 40 nights until she repents for thinking of herself as equal to men.
Oh man, Thanks Lola, I forgot that whole part about needing to think of women as ...
.. er... pick one
A) some sort of alien lifeform
B)domesticated animal
C) incapable of thinking independently of her man or any man
D) All of the above.
It will be tough, but I'm going to learn to subjugate all the women around me, denigrate their potential and relegate them to a subservient role in my household.
(Please God, don't let my sweet Louise see this, she may not see it as the joke that it is....................)
Jeb (we have two sets of privacy rules: one for dying women (no rights) one for drug-addled radio poobahs (all papers can be sealed) Nation
