Her parents were never married, they dated for a short while then and pregnant.
I dated a woman who had two children from a previous marriage. I felt (and still feel) that the needs and feelings of the children needed to come first. We spoke about this from the very beginning of the relationship.
Since there is a third person who is, like it or not, effected by your boyfriend's relationship with you, it is especially clear that you both know at what stage the relationship is, and where you think it is going.
I strongly recommend that you communicate how you are feeling with your boyfriend in spite of the fact it is uncomfortable. This is the only way to be sure that the child will not be hurt. If you need to keep your distance from his child (for now) you need to tell your boyfriend this.
In my case, there was one period of time that emotions about the children were an obstacle. It was a matter of my girlfriend having different expectations than me early on in the relationship, and I shared your feeling that I was being pushed into a role that I wasn't ready for.
The fact that we were able to communicate about this and set clear expectations was a very important stage in our dating relationship. My relationship with the children had to develop along with my relationship with my partner.
As it turns out, I ended up marrying this woman a year and a half ago. I now have a great relationship with both of the children and feel it was the best decision I have ever made.
No matter where your relationship goes, my advice is simply that communication is especially important.
If you both are not at a place to make this relationship work -- so be it. Best to be able to discuss this up front and not go through some of the emotional uncertainty that sometimes happens.
Best of luck.
Oh, OK. How long have the parents not been living together, then? (Never since she was born?)
My guess is its gonna be tough - kids dont take too easily, in general, to new people coming in their parents lives (new bf's and gf's, i mean). I mean, thats what I remember from when suddenly all of our parents started divorcing, when my pals and I were eight or ten or twelve. So expect a lot more hair-pulling before anything is going to look up ;-).
One good thing, I think, is not to try to be an ersatz parent to them - the more you assume a parent's authority (telling them what to do and not and so on), the more they'll instinctively rebel - and rightly so! You gain authority, you cant assume it (is what I remember). But that doesnt really seem to be your problem yet, anyway - though you already seem to have strong opinions about how the girl is being raised.
I dunno - basically, ebeth said it well, I think. The kid's going to be there, the rest of your bf's life. You can't rely on her 'not being around too much' or anything, because parent-child relationships change over time. He may see her only occasionally now, but what if she decides she wants to stay more with dad instead of mum when she's 14 or 16? You wont be in a position to veto that - she will come first, or should anyway. What if - worst case scenario - her mum dies? In short: if you're going to stay with your bf, you're going to be staying with a father - and having to realise that the more he's involved with raising his daughter, the better a thing it is. If you think you will be wanting to keep him from that or anything, that could be reason to pause for thought, perhaps ...
I agree with some other posters here, though, that you probably should talk about your feelings with him - don't hide them! (Not from him, anyway - perhaps you would do better to hide them from her ;-)). The more he doesnt know what you're feeling, the more confused or upset he might get about whatever off-dynamics might develop between you and the girl, and that's gonna be trouble. When it comes to the talking, though, ebeth sounded sensible to me when she wrote: "You need to make it clear that it's your problem to deal with, not his or the child's. He can help you, but you've got to sort it out for yourself". He should take your feelings into account, i think - but, imho, you can't ever ask him to forego on seeing her, being there for her, etc, because of it being awkward for you. Basically, you're not going to have this guy for yourself ;-).
they lived together for the first year and half for the childs sake, but felt it was too hard to have a relationship with eachother.
Thanks for the info, standup. It helps in figuring out what's up with the kid.
Sigh. So complicated.
Some good posts from nimh and ebrown there. I also agree with what ehBeth had to say.
Gotta get this stuff on the table, sounds like you have already started that. The fact that you think the kid is spoiled (regardless of whether the kid is in fact spoiled, though kicking and hair-pulling sure ain't good) adds another aspect to this whole thing. Your opinion is probably obvious to your bf, and he might feel criticized as a parent, defensive... ahhh. Complicated.
Will definitely take some masterful communication skills to work it out, but as ebrown says and eoe has spoken of elsewhere, it can be done. And you've started with the communication part already... that's the way to go.
I understand and except the fact that she is here forever, and I like the fact that he spends as much time with his daughter as he can. I would never ecpect him to choose, thats just not right. What you all are telling me is very very good information and i appreciate it very much. your all basically saying the same thing. So now can uou help me takes steps of how to get to know her better, what can I do?
Listen. Ask her open-ended questions, and really listen to what she answers. What books she likes to read, what TV shows she likes to watch, what sports she likes to play, whatever. Be respectful. Don't crowd. Go with her cues -- if she is being silly, don't correct her or try to get her back on track, respond in a silly way. If she is being serious, don't make a joke, just listen.
Ask her dad for advice, too, since he knows her better than almost anyone.
I appear as the odd aunt here, though not so odd, and not so entirely aunty. I have benefitted, in my niece's regard, perhaps, from distance and automatic acceptance on meeting as she has always known I love her, whatever other **** was flying.
Still, I grill her once she gets here, and she me. I get close to no sleep on her visits, re her needs to talk and it all happens just at my bleary bedtime.
I am not really her best friend, as I am giantly older. But the key thing is I listen. (No aspersions to moms/dads, I know things are more complicated.)
