How?

I agree, and if it seems like the child is being forced on you, you are probably right. Maybe it's an indication of serious intentions. That is, he is finding out how the two of you are going to relate. If so, it's really an artificial situation, and probably a mistake.

As for the simple fact of getting used to the idea that he does have a kid, you may not, and cannot force yourself to. I can only suggest that if you don't get used to it, it would be a big mistake to pretend that you do.

Thanks roger for you r words of wisdom. At the moment, i'm trying not to pretend that i'm ok with it. I'm usually the kind of person that says whats on my mind no matter what, but this time I worry about offending him or something.

stand up- I agree with Roger. If you have any intentions of having a long term realtionship with this man or even marry him, you need to understand that he comes as a package with his child.

If you are not comfortable with that, you need to break off the relationship, and look elsewhere.

You had better work on your relationship with the kid. If you can't deal with the kid (or the kid's mother sez Mrs. SealPoet), break it off.

I agree with the others. The child will most likely always be in his life.

I wonder what the reaction would be if this question was being asked by a guy? I get the feeling the responses would not be as kind.

Wilso
Do you really think so? My respose would have been the same either way.

Yes, I really think so.

If a man asked this question, the responses would've more likely been along the lines of, "You knew she had kids before you started the relationship. stop being a typically selfish male" etc etc

I wouldn't have thought any differently.

Me neither. And I don't think any less of a man who doen't want to take on another man's child. The thing is, the man has to know how he really feels about the kid, before he makes a committment to the woman.

I want this relationship to last, I really do. I also want to work on being the childs friend, I just need some guidence on where to begin. And, should I tell my boyfriend how I feel about this, or just try and work it out on my own?

In this case, I think you should. As long as you feel the child is being forced onto you, it isn't going to work. If you can be introduced to each other more naturally, it might. Hope for the best, but he just may have no idea what you are talking about.

Whoa. It's always tricky when one of the people in a new relationship has a child. The reality is that the child, and the other parent, will always be there. There is also a decent chance that the children will always come first (and I think they should), so you've got to deal with it.

If you don't think you can deal with being secondary to the child, don't go any further with the relationship. If you think you want the relationship to go on, I think you have to have a very honest discussion with your boyfriend. You both need to talk about where you both hope things will go, and how you'd like to get there. And he needs to know that things aren't going brilliantly now. You also need to make it clear that it's your problem to deal with, not his or the child's. He can help you, but you've got to sort it out for yourself, or recognize you won't be able to - and get out, before the child gets too attached to you.

I was going to respond, but ehBeth made my post superfluous. Also, it wouldn't have been as nicely put. I completely agree with you, ehBeth.

stand up, how old is the child? I wouldn't say anything to your boyfriend about having trouble dealing with his child until you've given it your best shot, decided it's not for you and you've got one foot out of the door. You tell him you're having problems, he may tell you adios. And who could blame him?
Wilso, I can dig what you're saying about the responses being different if this was a man having trouble with his girlfriend's kid. This is a little different tho', I think, because the man does not have full custody and the child is around only some of the time. It's easy to say you can handle it when it's only every now and then. With a fulltime mother, it's a whole different ballgame.

" This is a little different tho', I think, because the man does not have full custody and the child is around only some of the time. It's easy to say you can handle it when it's only every now and then. With a fulltime mother, it's a whole different ballgame"

Although it sure makes a big difference to the kid, and the dad's relationship with the kid, if you cannot get on with 'em. And the child and the father's relationship with the child, are more important than anything else. So I think.

That being said, nobody says you have to love the child. Nor that the child has to love you.

If you are feeling pushed together, chances are the little person is too. It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is very anxious that you should "bond". Well, you ain't glue, nor paint - it will happen if it happens, and not if it won't. All that NEEDS to happen is that there be mutual respect and courtesy (well, on your side, at least!) You may, indeed, be "friends" with the child - you may just be able to learn mutual tolerance and good behaviour. You may come to love the child as though they were your own - who knows?

Why is the child spending more time with dad? Is mum busy? Is the child distressed? What gives? Are there thoughts of a change of residency for the child?

If you are feeling pushed, I would tell your boyfriend - and suggest the child may be feeling this way, too. Also, maybe not. However, it may be important to give the child some pure dad time, and you could easily say that you want your relationship with the child to grow naturally as well.

Thing is, as others have said, the relationship with the child has to come first for the dad - if you cannot reach at least a good accommodation with the presence of the child, then it ain't going to work. I don't, however, think this means omnipresence. Dad and kid need time alone. You and dad do too. (And can get it, cos he isn't a single parent.)

By the way, are you TRYING to develop a relationship with the kid? Getting to know them, doing some stuff with them? However slowly? It may be worth giving it a try, you know - kids are great to have a close relationship with. I think you are right not to push it or be pushed (nothing worse than the partner who wants to be an over-night mummy or daddy) - but it is worth a try - if you stick around you are gonna be a significant person in this young person's life, willy nilly and for good or ill - that means you have some responsibilities. Does the child like YOU? If so, you are halfway there.

The child is almost 7. She's been around more because of the holidays, she wasn't staying with us though. My bf and I talked about it a bit the other night, and i told him i didn't like the fact that he's pushing her on me, and she probably doesn't like it either. I said i do want to get to know her, but i have to be ready. I don't know if she likes me, shes not very nice when were together. She kicks me and pulls my hair. she's an only child and is very very spoiled, she still talks like she's 3. She's very hard to handle, but i'm trying. Thanks everyone for the info so far, please, keep it coming.

How long have her parents been divorced?