In 20s and not seeing anyone

I'll speak up as an originally very shy person. I was, being quite the introverted teen, a mad reader, and some of my reading helped me relate. Getting a job after school really did, as I, the quiet one, learned about all those around me. Talk about shocked, even in the catholic hospital office environment.

I started to understand different views than my own.

Somewhere along the line, it happened that being shy was in my way about how other people thought. That took years, but remains true to me now a long time later.

Now, of course, you can't shut me up.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

Pemerson wrote:

It just isn't very lucrative to sit and talk with a therapist for an hour for $90.

It sure isn't, considering the paperwork the therapist must do to get paid (or pay someone else to do) Plus all the other expenses, like office space, your own health insurance, etc. etc. etc.
I can't say it's greedy when you end up with 1/3 to 1/2 of that $90.

Primary doctors aren't qualified to act as therapists. That's the problem.

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@lonelywmn,

Bowling, why didn't you say so earlier? I love bowling.

Why not join your local league.

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@Pemerson,

Pemerson wrote:

I just read that in my Austin Statesman yesterday.

I remember a similar article , but I didnt find it in the statesman I found it in the Chronicle.
I have several friends who work as therapists and they are repeating the same thing. They have had to drop their prices in order to keep people coming in. Doctors are being asked to step in for many drugs that a therapist SHOULD be giving out..not them..
But since it is so common, (depression anxiety..etc) they hand them out very simply.
I would think, as a doctor that they should take at LEAST one visit and go over the persons daily habits. There are EASILY 60 common chemical additives in food for example, that cause feelings of depression and if eaten several times a day can contribute to a constant state of depression and sleepiness. And that is just ONE thing that can be done to help.

Therapists need to cover drugs like that with a wider scope of assistance.. but, they are being seen as a luxury .
Doctors are covered by most insurances where as therapy is not. A co pay for a doctor can be in the ball park of 20 dollars.
A therapist can be covered ( on average) 80% of the visit by insurance. The remainder can be WAY above 20 dollars and for sitting and talking? Thats too much for some people.

oops. I didnt mean to de-rail. Just rambling Smile

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@Pemerson,

Pemerson wrote:

When I was in my 30's we sat in support groups. Whatever problem one of us may have, others have had it. We all, just about, have the same problems, or somewhat. There was humor, too.

Now there is a fantastic idea and another good point.
There are groups EVERY WHERE.
And if someone is in a country where they are NOT a popular thing? internet has online groups, yahoo groups, google bloggers, and many other places you can sit and at least write to people about what is going on.

ok. ok
no more derailing Smile

i promise

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@Eva,

Eva wrote:

The fact is, men with any maturity at all want women who are confident, capable, and independent-minded. Marriage is about being there to take care of the other person when they need it. If a woman can't take care of herself, how will she possibly be able to take care of someone else when she needs to? Another thing. Neither a husband nor a wife "calls the shots." It's a partnership...you make decisions together. Otherwise, it's not a marriage of equals. And who would want anything less?

Having just left a marriage where the so called "ideal " that was described in the opening post was expected... being pushed into doing all and being all for a marriage is not ideal for anyone. Putting all your daily requirements and needs on to your partner is not going to work. In my last marriage, that happened to me.I was pushed into being the entire THING for everything. I was the decision maker, bill payer, child care , car care, house cleaner, laundry worker.. everything. And of course things went undone because one person can not carry 2 people. Let alone a child, a business and a home.
I will tell you now that thinking there is one person to call the shots in a marriage is not only incorrect but terribly unhealthy, unsafe and just not reasonable.
You are not supposed to give yourself up completely just because you are married. As Eva said, marriage is a partnership. And if it helps, take some time to picture the marriage almost as a business deal. Those who can give to the others what they need are going to be the ones who work best. Just like an office, people are given jobs , positions and requirements that meet what they do best and others are hired to fill in what that one person can not finish alone.
A marriage is like that to a certain extent.
If you are very independent, and love to spend your days out hiking, working, or what ever you do( for example).. and it keeps you away from home a lot, a person who enjoys BEING home or IS home more will help with what is going undone there . You, while being out will be able to bring home groceries, supplies, work more to bring more money.. etc to help what the other person is not out doing. The two balance.

Does that really odd example make sense?
It is not about folding over, stopping WHO you are to fulfill some fantasy, nor it is about losing yourself. It is about working with and loving someone enough to use your individual strengths to MAKE a life together. You mesh, then create not fold then give up.

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@Eva,

As another compulsively shy person I need to say this...

Everyone requires validation from others, and people who deny they ever required it probably never wanted for it in childhood.

Eva wrote:

That's called "looking for validation from others." In your mind, you think you need other people to like you in order to be worth something. And as you're learning, this is a really good way to make yourself miserable.

No matter how wonderful you are, there will still be some people who don't like you.

That is not the issue. Obviously there are going to be some people who won't like you. The problem is when no one likes you.

The idea that no one likes you is an easy impression to get when you are shy. The way it works is, when you don't have a lot to say in social situations, you generally tend to hand out on the periphery of groups of "pseudo-friends". That way you don't have to give your opinions on stuff, so you don't have to worry about others judging you. So you have some contact with others, but you are never at the centre of the group, nor does anyone single you out as being worth spending time with alone. Over time it dawns on you that you are merely tolerated; no one actually likes you.

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@lonelywmn,

Hello lonelywmn,

I hope my last post didn't bother you.

As a shy man who has at least some idea what you're going through (although our experiences won't match exactly, since you're a woman) I'd like to suggest an odd idea -- self-defence classes, or some martial art.

lonelywmn wrote:

Fear and shyness usually keep me from going after the opposite sex, even for friendship. I'm afraid people will see me as strange, awkward, and weird, or worse; they might see me as an easy target for rape or sexual assault.

Self-defence training could help there.

Quote:

I also have a very independent spirit, and I've heard women are usually expected to give that up in a marriage. The man is supposedly the one who calls all of the shots. I don't even know if I could live like that!

Building self-confidence and assertiveness is key, then, if you don't want some guy bossing you around. I have that heard martial arts classes, tae-bo, etc. provide that to shy women.

Quote:

maybe I shouldn't worry about it so much, but it would be nice to at least have a group of friends to do things with, like going bowling or playing tennis.

On a side note, I have also heard that many women don't keep score when playing sports like tennis. But keeping score is another way to become more assertive.

Green Witch wrote:

I really think the fears you have expressed are serious enough to seek the help of ... a least a life coach. You seem ... lacking in confidence, ... hard to overcome on your own.

I agree with this. Unfortunately, like others in this thread have remarked, good life coaches can be expensive or hard to find.

So, perhaps, pursue an alternative, like self-defence classes...

Good luck,
Oylok

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Before stepping into any US classroom, she BETTER be confident, assertive, directive, organized, flexible, and able to project herself. She should also have a good sense of herself, her morals, her standards and have a good sense of humor and be able to deal with all kinds of children - AND their parents AND the administration AND her peers.

Teaching is not for the faint of heart.

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In 20s and not seeing anyone

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