In 20s and not seeing anyone

Forums: Relationships, Marriage, Dating, Friendship, Friends
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Hi,

I know being single is probably the safest road to travel. Unfortunately, it's also the lonliest. I lost a very close friend a few years ago, and, since then, I've been craving companionship and coming up empty-handed. Fear and shyness usually keep me from going after the opposite sex, even for friendship. I'm afraid people will see me as strange, awkward, and weird, or worse; they might see me as an easy target for rape or sexual assault.

There are quite a few people my age who are already married or are at least seeing someone. Most normal girls do at least have boyfriends, but I don't. It's not that I'm not attractive, but I hide it, and I am a bit awkward. Plus, I'm a little afraid. I also have a very independent spirit, and I've heard women are usually expected to give that up in a marriage. The man is supposedly the one who calls all of the shots. I don't even know if I could live like that! I certainly wouldn't relish being miserable a good portion of my life. Men can be pretty demanding.

Ideally, I would probably do well just making a group of close intimate friends, but I'm not very good at that, either. I have very few hobbies, and teaching is probably going to take up most of my time. I'm studying to be a teacher and will get my certificuit soon. As for dating co-workers and people I meet on the job, that's a no-no. Really, maybe I shouldn't worry about it so much, but it would be nice to at least have a group of friends to do things with, like going bowling or playing tennis. I'm almost certain they'll try to judge me, though.

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@lonelywmn,

The man's the one who calls the shots?

What century are you living in?

Sorry to seem flip about this but, c'mon.

I am also well aware that Western culture does not prevail everywhere on the planet but this is 2011 and the mere fact that a person has a penis is not necessarily a good enough reason for them to, as you say, "call the shots".

Get out there and meet people. Old people, young people. Fat people, thin people. Male people and female people. Single people and married people.

Meet humans and be friendly and approachable, and you will, it is likely, meet folk who see that you are single, and who may ask you, "I have a friend who is looking, would you like for me to fix you up?" And once it's easier for you to meet people, it will be easier for you to meet someone with whom you might want to have a relationship.

Oh and BTW, if you're afraid that your friends will judge you, they ain't your friends. Anyone who's that judgmental about someone who's just going out to play tennis or whatever -- they are insecure in a big way and you don't need 'em.

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@lonelywmn,

I really think the fears you have expressed are serious enough to seek the help of a therapist, or a least a life coach. You seem paranoid and lacking in confidence, both things can be hard to overcome on your own. Is there a history for these feelings? Did you come from an abusive family? Did people tell you that you were not good enough? Did anyone ever hurt you in a way that made you feel it would not be possible for someone to accept who you are and love you for you?

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Where do you live? You do not sound like an American twenty-something woman. But that's OK Smile

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@PUNKEY,

Sorry, how old would you guess I am by my post?

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@lonelywmn,

Why should we have to guess? Why not just tell us? Besides, in your title of your question it says that you're in your 20s so why the mystery or guessing contest?

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@lonelywmn,

I guess you're 24 and ready to explore a range of interests including romance so I've just painted my tongue silver.

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@Ragman,

Lonelywmn,
If I were you I would stop thinking so much of what "may" be. Keep yourself looking as good as you can get, every single day. Exercise -- you'd be surprised how much you like yourself just doing those two things. You really do have a future. Look forward to it, imagine it. Learn to love yourself. You speak to your class, don't you? Do the students admire you? Probably, so does everyone else.

Be your independent self, walk with a purpose. Don't try to figure out what others may think. And, men are everywhere, all different kinds. Take an art class. It doesn't matter what you do, just do something.

Therapists who do talk-therapy are becoming scarce, I read today. They want only to give us medication. You could keep a journal, write down all the things you are thankful for, every day. Write down your plans, your hopes, your dreams. Make it happen. Good luck to you.

1 Reply

@Pemerson,

Pemerson wrote:

Therapists who do talk-therapy are becoming scarce, I read today.

Where are they becoming scarce? Nowhere that I've seen in USA unless, perhaps, it's in a rural area.

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@Ragman,

I just read that in my Austin Statesman yesterday. It is just now happening. It just isn't very lucrative to sit and talk with a therapist for an hour for $90. Patients are seen now by primary doctors every 15 minutes for much more than $90. Sorry, I've thrown away my Sunday paper. Saw same article on front of the N.Y.Times in Starbucks. So, you see, everybody is greedy.

My last lab test was over $500, I have to pay $89. The office visit to get med refill was $195. I swear, I am not going to a doctor anymore unless I'm half dead.

When I was in my 30's we sat in support groups. Whatever problem one of us may have, others have had it. We all, just about, have the same problems, or somewhat. There was humor, too.

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@lonelywmn,

Agreeing with the other posters...

Somewhere along the way you've picked up some funny ideas about male/female relationships. I have a very independent spirit too, and I've been happily married (this time) for 27 years to a man who was initially attracted to me because of my independence. He would never want me to stop being that way. The fact is, men with any maturity at all want women who are confident, capable, and independent-minded. Marriage is about being there to take care of the other person when they need it. If a woman can't take care of herself, how will she possibly be able to take care of someone else when she needs to? Another thing. Neither a husband nor a wife "calls the shots." It's a partnership...you make decisions together. Otherwise, it's not a marriage of equals. And who would want anything less?

Meanwhile, there are many worse things than being single, and one of them is jumping into a relationship before you've straightened out your own life. Sounds like you're just not ready yet. And that's perfectly okay. Spend this time learning more about yourself.

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@Pemerson,

Wow! Things must have changed and I must be behind the curve. Then again, for the last 18 months, I've been using Veterans Admin clinic for my medical instead. The last time I saw a civilian counselor was in about 2004 back when I was breaking up with my former gf of 5 yrs. I don't need a counselor now but thanks for the heads-up.

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@Pemerson,

Have you tried having your pharmacy fax a refill request to the doctor? That's my recent medical discovery, and it works with my doc. Next time, I'll allow 72 hours instead of 24.

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@Eva,

I guess I try a little too hard to please people sometimes, and maybe that's where my problem lies. Sometimes I pretend to be someone I'm not in an attempt to please others. I've carried this to extremes before and made myself absolutely misterable in the process. Sometimes people don't want to see you, though. They want to see a reflection of themselves.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Sorry, the "how old do I think I am?" comment was directed at another poster who said I did not sound like "a 20-something American woman." I wanted this person to ellaborate.

1 Reply

@lonelywmn,

i don't think the poster was questioning your age, rather your nationality or perhaps cultural upbringing

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@lonelywmn,

That's called "looking for validation from others." In your mind, you think you need other people to like you in order to be worth something. And as you're learning, this is a really good way to make yourself miserable.

No matter how wonderful you are, there will still be some people who don't like you. That's their problem, not yours. The key is, you have to learn to love yourself and not care what anyone else thinks. What you think is important, not what anyone else thinks. After all, you have to live with you, they don't. And until you figure out who you really are...and love yourself for it...you won't be a complete person, capable of a complete relationship.

Take your time.

1 Reply

By the way, this isn't unusual. We all go through this. Cool

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@Eva,

Yes, insecurity might be somewhat of an issue for me. I did avoid most extracurricular activities when I was in K-12 for fear that the other students would judge me. They already picked on me a lot already. That's probably not unusual, but until I started college, I didn't even want to come out enough for people to learn who I was. I'm still a bit cautious about revealing too much of myself to new people.

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@Pemerson,

Pemerson wrote:

It just isn't very lucrative to sit and talk with a therapist for an hour for $90.

It sure isn't, considering the paperwork the therapist must do to get paid (or pay someone else to do) Plus all the other expenses, like office space, your own health insurance, etc. etc. etc.
I can't say it's greedy when you end up with 1/3 to 1/2 of that $90.

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In 20s and not seeing anyone

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