@Butrflynet,
Quote:Sounds like it is time for a family gathering where you can all express your concern and relay the different stories being told and the untoward overtures being made to the daughter-in-law.
After that, it is your mother's decision as to where it goes from there.
You don't say how old she is, but such a family gathering will also help the children take measure of her memory lapses and, if necessary, ask to have her medically evaluated for the early stages of many forms of dementia. If she's on medications, at the least, someone should have a pharmacist evaluate the drugs for interactions and dosages.
You also said that she used to have many friends that she went out with at least once a week before Bob came into the picture. What about asking some of those friends about their observations of the situation? Perhaps a few of them would be willing to speak up to your mother about her recent behavior.
If you are worried about her finances, you could do some research and find ways to help her better safeguard her accounts.
That is all excellent advice.
I think a family gathering is a very important first step. And it should be done out of concern for mother, rather than simply an anti-Bob intervention. It is very important to address any memory or health problems that she might be having so these can be properly evaluated and so she can make some long range plans (financial and otherwise) regarding her future, and what sort of care she might require, and want, sometime down the road.
The concerns about Bob should be shared, including concerns about why mother seems to be lying about Bob--saying one thing to one family member, and something different to another family. Is she really lying, or is she becoming confused because of memory problems? If Bob has acted in a way to make other family members feel uncomfortable, these incidents should be shared. If people feel that Bob appears to be lying, they should mention this, along with why they feel he is lying. Again, the emphasis should be on concern for mother, and not just painting Bob as a bad guy. He recently lost his wife, and he might be rushing into something too, simply to avoid being alone, and apparently mother had been concerned about that before. If he was a classmate of mother's, then they have some shared past history, at least as friends.
I would not discourage the friendship with Bob, but I might try to discourage any plans of marriage. It sounds as if mother had a rather full life before Bob appeared on the scene, and the best course of action might be to continue that life, but to include Bob as a part of it. Why would she need to marry Bob, or anyone else for that matter? She is financially independent, she has a supportive and loving family, as well as a circle of friends. What would having a husband add to her life? She can date Bob, she can live with Bob, she can feel quite committed to Bob, but why would she need to marry Bob?
I'd encourage her to enjoy her life, and her relationship with Bob, but I'd also encourage her to maintain the degree of independence she has achieved and fore-go any thoughts of marriage right now, and I'd urge her to tell Bob that marriage is not in her plans right now. It's very important for her to maintain her close family ties and her friendships, particularly as she ages, and entering into a marriage, with a man who is at all controlling, might well damage those relationships for her, and that would be to her detriment. She needs those supports more than she needs a husband, or the responsibility of being a wife or of caring for a husband. And she might not even be thinking of marrying, even if Bob is heading in that direction. She might just need some encouragement from the family to enjoy the relationship, and even live with Bob, without formalizing the relationship with marriage. She has a fairly ideal situation now, and she'd be somewhat foolish to jeopardize that with an ill considered marriage, and she may well know that. If Bob won't continue the relationship without marriage, that's her best indication the relationship is wrong because he's probably too possessive. So, mainly, I think the family has to support mother's need to retain her independence right now because that independence will give her the most options as she ages, and that's a very important consideration, or should be, for her.
I don't think there is much the family can, or should, do if mother wants to spend her money on Bob, as long as she knows what she is doing, and she has the financial resources to do that--it's her money and her life. She should be encouraged to have a good estate plan if she wants to protect assets for her children and grandchildren, as well as financial arrangements in place for whatever long term care she might need some day. Beyond that, she should just enjoy her life. All things considered, her life sounds quite full. And she's fortunate to have such a concerned and caring family so close to her.
