Is it my responsibility to Save Mom?

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My father passed away in 2008. My mother made great adjustments very quickly and has appeared to be very happy for the last 2 plus years. She’s made conversation many times that she didn’t need a man in her life, she had all her friends, the grandchildren, financial freedom and can come and go as she pleases. My wife and our child live within 500 feet of her home. My father left her well off and she doesn’t have any financial worries. Being close, I have taken on the role to watch over her house as needed, with repairs, yard work and such. We use to spend as much time as she wanted doing things with her. She has many friends her age and use to go out with them at least once a week.

Then came BOB. A classmate from the past, who had lost his wife within the last six months. Within just a few months of losing his wife, he was pursuing our mother. It seemed strange at first how quick he was in the picture and we didn’t say anything because she led us to believe they were just friends and she was helping him get over his wife. She worried he would re-marry quickly and make a mistake.

All of us, her children, grandchildren and friends, have met Bob one at a time. Each of us has come up with the same conclusion without taking to one another first. Bob is all about Bob. He is a big talker and big spender. He has set his eyes on our mother and is giving her the full court press.

She has begun to lie to us about Bob. Telling one of us one story and another one a completely different story. Long before Bob, she had noted to us that she felt she was starting to lose her mind. That has been evident in many memory lapses over the last few months; the same time frame as Bob has been in the picture.

It is obvious to us and her close friends that Bob is just there for the money. It is hard for us as the children to say anything without also coming off as more concerned for her money than Mom’s happiness. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know if I say anything, she is going to become defensive and angry, and shut us out. If I don’t say something, she is going to be married before year’s end, Bob will move into her home, which will force us to have to move. My wife has refused to live nearby, as Bob has made gestures towards her which have made her feel very uncomfortable. I want to see my mother happy and well treated; not just for a time, but for the rest of her life. I am not opposed to her remarrying and there are other men I would find no fault in, but just not this guy.

How do I say something and what do I say, without making matters worse. Keep in mind, Mom is lying to us and Bob is lying to Mom. I have gone through all the scenarios and none of them work out best for the grandchildren, which my children’s happiness is always of first concern.

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@Needing Mom Help,

Sounds like it is time for a family gathering where you can all express your concern and relay the different stories being told and the untoward overtures being made to the daughter-in-law.

After that, it is your mother's decision as to where it goes from there.

You don't say how old she is, but such a family gathering will also help the children take measure of her memory lapses and, if necessary, ask to have her medically evaluated for the early stages of many forms of dementia. If she's on medications, at the least, someone should have a pharmacist evaluate the drugs for interactions and dosages.

You also said that she used to have many friends that she went out with at least once a week before Bob came into the picture. What about asking some of those friends about their observations of the situation? Perhaps a few of them would be willing to speak up to your mother about her recent behavior.

If you are worried about her finances, you could do some research and find ways to help her better safeguard her accounts.

2 Replies

Is there anything you can do to scare Bob off?

Start calling him Dad, and include him in any and all projects that involve spending time with the family.

If he's trying to isolate your mother, use your skills to make him much more involved with the family than he'd ever believe possible.

When he's at Mom's house, drop in and stay for hours. If they go out together, invite yourself, and everyone else along. Show up wherever they may be.

Ask him to babysit, hand him a paint brush and volunteer him to paint mom's bathroom and kitchen.

Let him know he's part of the family now, and you're his devoted son.

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@chai2,

Good ideas, Chai.

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@Butrflynet,

Definitely good to keep involved with the mother. Her being cut off from the pack is not good for her at all.

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@chai2,

i'm not sure if there's a lot you can do right now. there is a slight chance he does love your mom and she him. if not, she is not in a perceptive state of mind right now to hear anything unpleasant. my hunch would be to stand by her and assure her that you love her no matter what....otherwise she may choose to not confide in you and close herself off. you may have to suffer through it for awhile, but right now all you can do is offer unconditional love (that does not mean endorsement of Bob...in fact not at all.)

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@Butrflynet,

Thanks
I'm just thinking how abusive spouse so often isolate their partner from the rest of the world. My ex-husband did that to me. Got me to the point I didn't even know what to order in a restaurant. He would literally tell me "you don't like that" and it was just easier to go along. You just get tired.

Years back, I worked as the assistant to a Social Worker in a nursing home. I'll never forget this one lady.
She came in for rehab from a broken hip. She was a frail little thing, but one could tell that in her day she'd been a beauty. She wore very good clothes, and would sit in bed wearing a lovely sun hat, all her makeup on, her sweater draped just so over the sheets. Over the next couple of weeks, she put on a remarkable amount of weight and began to look very good. She loved socializing and it was good therapy for her just to sit and talk with her about whatever came up. She was flirtateous and quite pert.

I knew she was married, hadn't seen the husband, so I figured he was in the same shape as she. I knew he visited at night, after I went home.

One day I brought her some paperwork to sign, and as usual ended up first having a visit. She was particularly happy that day I remember. All dolled up and looking forward to getting her hair done.
Suddenly I heard "WHO are YOU?" Before I turned my head, I saw her get this frightened nervous look on her face. I looked around, and met the husband. He must have been about 15 years younger than her, about 60. In a nutshell, he was a royal bastard.

He told me to "Get the hell out of this room, and take those papers with you. I'M in charge here" I looked at her and I could tell it would do her no good to make a stand.
He told me if he ever found me or anyone else trying to get her to sign anything, he's sue us.

Turns out he was starving the poor thing, withholding food and her medications. They had met not more than 5 years before, and she was flattered this "younger man" had swept her off her feet.
She had no one to turn to, and he was killing her.

The SW got involved, I'm not going to go into it here. It wasn't pretty.

My advice, get involved, stay involved, refuse to NOT be involved, which is what Bob wants.
Be there ALL the time, whether mom likes it right now, or not.

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@dagmaraka,

dagmaraka wrote:

i'm not sure if there's a lot you can do right now. there is a slight chance he does love your mom and she him. if not, she is not in a perceptive state of mind right now to hear anything unpleasant. my hunch would be to stand by her and assure her that you love her no matter what....otherwise she may choose to not confide in you and close herself off. you may have to suffer through it for awhile, but right now all you can do is offer unconditional love (that does not mean endorsement of Bob...in fact not at all.)

I'm sorry dag, I disagree. Bob will use any opening to slither further into her life.

If he does indeed love mom, and want the best for her, he cannot have any major objections to her having her dear children and grandchildren around.

1 Reply

@chai2,

maybe, and maybe not. we don't know much about the whole story.

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@Needing Mom Help,

I agree with Butrflynet's advice. Definitely the whole family should be united about this and your Mom needs to know about the advances to your wife. It may turn out that he's done the same to other women in the family. It has to be really clear to your Mom that this isn't just about protecting your inheritance or anything like that. I wonder if she has any close female friends that you could talk to and get involved. I know if it was my Mom she'd probably be more open to taking advice from her friends than her children - and also more free to express any doubts she has herself. It's a very difficult situation though and I really wish you the best of luck.

1 Reply

@MonaLeeza,

MonaLeeza wrote:

your Mom needs to know about the advances to your wife. It may turn out that he's done the same to other women in the family.

What?
There's nothing in there about Bob making advances to the OP's wife.

1 Reply

@chai2,

I think it came from this part of his post:

Quote:

If I don’t say something, she is going to be married before year’s end, Bob will move into her home, which will force us to have to move. My wife has refused to live nearby, as Bob has made gestures towards her which have made her feel very uncomfortable.

1 Reply

@Butrflynet,

oh well then, hell yes tell mom.

1 Reply

The more you bad mouth Bob, the more she will defend him. Her stress level may have something to do with all the confllict and it's coming out in her behavior.

Make her a deal: that she won't enter into any "contracts" including marriage or purchases until she talks to you about it.

Another thing is to take her to a lawyer or financial advisor and get a trust set up so HE won't get a nickel out of her. She can get a regular monthly income but you would know about any big expenditures.

In the meantime, introduce her to some nice guys. She's lonely and he's there, so it's easy for him to manipulate her.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

oh well then, hell yes tell mom.

I've thought better of this, since it would annoy mom.

I still go with letting him realize he'll never have her to himself.

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@Butrflynet,

@Butrflynet. Excellent response. Agree completely. If however, she is in the flushes of infatuation, it's pretty hard to get through. I think "the crush stage" has been defined as "temporary insanity". Not saying she is "insane" just that this Bob guy appears to have gotten under her skin. Yep, time for action, for sure.

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@chai2,

Yes, great ideas. You could also start acting really obnoxious and sneaky and tell him that your mum has been seeing other men. LOL

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there's always the possibility that mom's happy.

1 Reply

Bob is fulfilling something in your mom.
Ask her what she likes about him. Why she feels good around him. Maybe he makes her feel young . . .

Unless he is taking money from her NOW, why are you worrying. Maybe your mom WANTS to share her money with her.

Unless you understand what it is to be a widow, you are not going to understand what's going on.

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@dyslexia,

dyslexia wrote:

there's always the possibility that mom's happy.

That's quite true.

Then she shouldn't mind having the best of both worlds.

Bob & her families attentions.

0 Replies

Is it my responsibility to Save Mom?

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