9
   

What to do with the house

 
 
jenfargo83
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 12:10 pm
@Cycloptichorn,
You got that 100% right. There is the moral question about "should she be in that house" and the legal question that asks if I can make her leave. Very simple, but it seems like everone wants to make assumptions based on questions I didn't even ask. Funny.
Cycloptichorn
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 12:21 pm
@jenfargo83,
jenfargo83 wrote:

You got that 100% right. There is the moral question about "should she be in that house" and the legal question that asks if I can make her leave. Very simple, but it seems like everone wants to make assumptions based on questions I didn't even ask. Funny.


Well, people are just trying to help.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with all this - like Ehbeth said, it's always sad when things end this way. Do you think there is any chance at all that this can be solved amicably? I'd hate to involve the courts as anything other than a last resort.

Cycloptichorn
jenfargo83
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 12:30 pm
@Cycloptichorn,
God knows I'm going to try my hardest to make this go smoothly. The funny thing is, tomorrow is when I'm going to ask her to leave, with the kids to her Dad's while I try to re-gain my composure. I have already made up a shared parenting schedule for time with the children that will work well for the time being. She and the children would do just fine at her dad's for the first week. If that wasn't the case, I wouldn't ask her to go there. If you looked up "nice guy" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me. I am doing all I can, but I can only take so much. You have to understand.
JPB
 
  5  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 07:10 pm
@jenfargo83,
I'm having a hard time following why you think she should move out and take the kids with her while you stay in a jointly-owned home by yourself. You're not doing a very good job of painting the picture of the dictionary definition of a "nice guy".

I get that you're hurt and angry, but since you've already admitted that the relationship had grown stale, why should multiple people leave their home while you get to contemplate your navel? Now, if you'd said that you were going to ask her to leave for a few days while you both figured out future steps, and that you'd keep the kids with you while that happened, then I might buy your "nice guy" approach. All I see so far is a guy whose feelings got hurt and who's willing to let his kids get hurt too.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 07:16 pm
@jenfargo83,
I easily understand jenfargo's point of view, I've lived it. However, people have moved on to understand that marriages vary. I personally don't think that unhappiness can be caused by one side - well, sometimes - but that this is more complicated. The idea that people could differ re his circumstance being repulsive to him, and his not getting that, give me a break.

Surely jenfargo's wife has punted from the marriage.
I have no idea if she was stupid in that or very smart.

But wait, he gets the house to stay in?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 07:23 pm
@jenfargo83,
Your morals are wrapped around you.

No, in usual circumstances, you cannot make her just leave. It is also her house. I suppose you have browbeaten her to just go away.

Put your prick back in your pants.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 08:51 pm
@ossobuco,
I know I sound antagonistic.

I might even agree, if I knew more re jenfarge.
But, jenfarge, you come off as Prince of the Place, and this is just not true.

Sorry that you are offended that I might think you may have some behavior that your wife runs from.

We don't know.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 09:49 pm
@jenfargo83,
jenfargo83 wrote:

God knows I'm going to try my hardest to make this go smoothly. The funny thing is, tomorrow is when I'm going to ask her to leave, with the kids to her Dad's while I try to re-gain my composure. I have already made up a shared parenting schedule for time with the children that will work well for the time being. She and the children would do just fine at her dad's for the first week. If that wasn't the case, I wouldn't ask her to go there. If you looked up "nice guy" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me. I am doing all I can, but I can only take so much. You have to understand.


I'd say you're quite selfish. While you are busy regaining your composure,
you are perfectly willing to put your two children out of the house and let
them live with grandpa. After all, you deserve the house, don't you, Mr. Nice guy!! I've got news for you: not only will you lose the house, you also will pay a considerable amount of child support so your children are taken care of.

I know, I know, you're not really thinking of anyone but yourself, I got that,
but luckily there is a family law that protects children from people like you!
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 10:29 pm
No judgements here, jenfargo83, just questions for you.

1. Why would the kids have to move out with her? Why couldn't they stay with you? Are they too little and are in need of more than you can provide?

2. If you're going to sell the home and not buy her out, what difference does it make if he comes into it? I mean, hopefully not while you're there! But it is just sticks and mortar - what made it special is now gone, no?

It's a very tough time for you and I feel for you and over the next days and weeks, you'll readjust your thinking on quite a few things, so just go slowly and be wary of making statements or decisions, taking up a certain position, until you've had some time to gain some perspective and what's happening becomes 'normal'. Trust me on this.

It's a sad and difficult situation you're in and I wish you and the entire family fortitude, good sense and humour (yes, humour will eventually come) to see you through it.
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Dec, 2010 10:50 pm
@Mame,
Mame, Your idea on the perspective of time is a good one; it will provide for a better look at the situation with some of the emotion removed. We don't do our best thinking under stress or emotional breakdown. Time helps remove some of the sting we initially feel under these circumstances.
0 Replies
 
jenfargo83
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Dec, 2010 01:38 pm
@Mame,
1. The kids would be split weekly with middle of the week overnights. week 1 is her, week 2 is me, so on and so on. Shared parenting is a must for both of us and is fully understood by both of us. It always has been.

2. I can not move on and heal unless we are completely seperate because of what she did to me. No, I can't stop her from letting him in the house but she already told me she wouldn't the other day so we are clear on that issue. Him being in that house tears away at what good memories I have of us as a family in that house. Might sound funny, but that's the way I feel. And yes, she does understand.

I told her last night that I could not live in the same residence as her because of what she was doing. She agreed and understood why. I told her I couldn't make her move and if she didn't, I would. She felt that she should be the one to move if anybody. Where she will move has to be one where the kids, when she has them, feel safe and comfortable. Anything short of that is no good for me or her and it was always that way for me.

My wife is a great person who did something very bad and in order for me to move on and not have it affect me in a way where it starts to affect the children is job number one for me at this point. If me staying in the house vs. her staying in the house until it sells is because I'm on the "moral hight ground", I can see that I guess if we're splitting hairs. But the real reason is that I would be better able to maintain the house and she has options with moving in with relatives that I do not have where we live. If I moved and got an apartment, it would put a huge financial strain on us that would just make things worse.
jenfargo83
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Dec, 2010 01:49 pm
@CalamityJane,
Read my last post. A lot of assumptions in your response. None of which are reality. We are selling the house together. We are doing shared custody. Everything is split down the middle. I'm not kicking my wife anywhere. She would live with her Dad, who has a very nice house and loves her and the children very much. They would do just fine there until the house sells. That last line in your post was so far over the top, I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry I said I was being a "nice guy" in all of this, but I am really being a nice guy in all of this. Should I not be? Should I have been mean to her this whole time with emotional abuse so she wouldn't want to be there? Not what I'm all about.
0 Replies
 
jenfargo83
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Dec, 2010 01:54 pm
@ossobuco,
Not about my prick, prick. I guess one could assume that, but you know what happens when you assume.
Not all guys think with their junk, sorry to inform you.

The first part of your response was good but you got a little off track there at the end.
jenfargo83
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Dec, 2010 02:05 pm
@ossobuco,
Quote:
Surely jenfargo's wife has punted from the marriage.
I have no idea if she was stupid in that or very smart.

But wait, he gets the house to stay in?


Stupid or very smart? Well, to be honest I could make an argument for either one. Hell, we both could. She thought that I was the unhappy one and that I wanted out. She was supprised to hear that I didn't want out. Kind of your typical marriage falling apart because of all the typical things you hear about. No abuse, pleanty of love for the kids. Just wasn't working great for us, that's all.

No, I don't "get" the house, I would just be maintaining it until it sells and the kids would split time with her and me. Her at her dad's and me at the house. If the house sold today we would both be in seperate apartments. What's the difference? She is away from me and that is what we "both" need.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Dec, 2010 02:12 pm
@jenfargo83,
Hey Jenfargo

First up - it can be easy for us to make assumptions about a post that someone has made - and people react emotionally as to how we all would react in that situation...or from our own experiences etc...

Secondly, this is sad. It is very sad when things like this happen. Hearts break.




So, it sounds as tho talking with your wife is a good thing and that you have got things under control as best you can in this situation.

Your posting 'sounds' to me as tho you are keeping a lid on your emotions right now, that you maybe quite detached so that you can keep your composure. This isn't a bad thing - and of course I could be interpreting your writing completely wrongly.

Personally, I find nothing wrong with your staying in the house and having joint custody of the children. I have seen this from both sides... I remained in the house when my ex and I separated ... my brother remained in his house when he and his ex separated.

My brother retained joint custody - which can be quite a rare arrangement these days - for the last 8 years his boy lives with his Mom half a week and my brother half a week - strangely, contrary to what we thought may happen at the start, his son has coped with this incredibly well and is a very well adjusted child. So it can work.

I would advise you to try and keep the children's lives as 'normal' as possible and if they will be staying with their grandfather whilst with their mother, and that is a safe and comfortable relationship for them, then hopefully the children will do well.

I'd also advise, even tho you're not asking for this advice, but... do talk to your friends and family when you can to release some of the emotion that must be building up inside you. I understand it must be awfully hard, especially at this time of year - do try and talk to someone when you can so that you not only keep your composure around the children, but can let off some steam with others (I imagine, or feel from your writing, that there is a lot of anger there which is wholly understandable), as and when you can.

The children are obviously important in all this... but so are you. You and your wife managing to hold it all together around them is a priority, but your well-being must be a priority too - if you haven't got a good wellbeing then you will not be able to cope with single parenthood or the upset of moving house, divorce etc etc etc.

Talk if you wish - I'm wishing you best wishes for the future and a hope that 2011 will be a better year for you.
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Dec, 2010 02:41 pm
@jenfargo83,
jenfargo83 wrote:

1. The kids would be split weekly with middle of the week overnights. week 1 is her, week 2 is me, so on and so on.


Hi jenfargo83,

How old are your kids? Sorry if I missed that info.

You have an admirable emphasis on what's best for the kids, and the need for shared parenting. That's great. I wonder how you arrived at alternating weeks, spit further with middle of the week overnights? That sounds really disruptive to me, actually. I guess this depends somewhat on the age of the children. (While divorce is never easy for anyone involved, in my own experience as a child of divorce, the disruption of frequent custody shifts was one of the absolute worst things about it. Things got better when stretches got longer and I was able to get more settled.)

This is a kind of random find but gets at some of the non-obvious issues.

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/artnightday.php

Sorry you are going through this, jenfargo, and best wishes to you.
jenfargo83
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 Dec, 2010 08:13 am
@sozobe,
I did a lot of research on shared parenting and the split week (one week on one week off) seemed to keep the children in one spot longer. The only bad thing is that one parent was away from their children for an entire week. There were websites that suggested that you throw a "supper with the kids" or even an "overnight" during the middle of the week.

With the proximity of the children's daycare and school, her workplace and mine, it seemed like it would not be too disruptive. That could always change if things don't work well that way. We are both open to changing this around if it doesn't work well. My children are age 2 and 7. I'm not so worried about the 2 year old, but my 7 year old. Too hard to think about. She is so precious.
0 Replies
 
jenfargo83
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 Dec, 2010 08:33 am
@Izzie,
Quote:
So, it sounds as tho talking with your wife is a good thing and that you have got things under control as best you can in this situation.


I apologize for getting a little defensive on some of my posts, but it seemed that people were throwing accusastions out there that weren't justified at all. Maybe I'm wrong, but my thought is that because I'm a father as apposed to being the mother, that somehow my intentions are misguided or wrong. Seemed like a bit of a double standard going on. Who knows.

For the record, my wife happened to agree on pretty much everything I had suggested the other night. We are still working out the details, but she does understand why this has to happen. Again, not what I wanted. I love her and still want to be with her. I never, ever "wanted" her to move. She made that choice, not me, by her further actions.

As far as emotional build up in all of this, my emotions, and hers, have been flowing for the past 4 months. On and off, sometimes trying to give each other as much space as possible. But it is to the point where I can no longer take it. I have talked to my brother and parents about all of this and let it all out plenty of times. Right now though, I am keeping it inside because if I let my emotions rule me, I might let her stay. And that is not my choice anymore. It is her choice. If she wants to stay, she will be the one who will have to convince me that she can walk the straight line, at least until we sell the house. I told her that I would not ask again. And I won't. She still has choices, even if she thinks they have all run out. Very sad to see her do this to herself, me and the children.

I have to be very careful right now so I don't get hurt again. The first time she did it, it was a mistake. The second time was not. (no, they are not sleeping together, I know this for a fact). So there can be no third time, not while she's living with me. But I will never stop listening to her if she has something to say, or maybe she finally just walks away. Always choices.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 Dec, 2010 04:42 pm
@jenfargo83,
It sounds like she's being reasonable and accountable so I think things will work out very well for all of you, and that's especially important for the kids' sake. Try to remain friends or friendly or, at the very least, civil. That's critical for the kids. They didn't cause this break up yet still have to deal with it.

And one other suggestion - maybe try to stop thinking of yourself as the wronged party, the victim. You know, every break up is caused by two people - maybe 80-20, maybe 90-10, but you had some responsibility somewhere so you can't 100% claim victim ('because of what she did to me', and 'My wife is a great person who did something very bad')... what she did was not 'very bad' - you really don't know why she did it so you can't judge it. And it's really irrelevant, anyway.

I say all this because my daughter's ex left her (pregnant with her second) for another woman and now lives in another town, so it's experience talking.

All the best to you jenfargo83, and to your children.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 Dec, 2010 05:17 pm
@jenfargo83,
I'm not a prick. Other words, perhaps.

You come off from the first post as Prince of the House who was hoping to command your wife to leave.

Perhaps in the processing of legalities this can happen in some states, but from my view, she has every right to stay there as co house owner and see her boyfriend elsewhere, while the divorce is worked out. Thus, your words, " I love her and still want to be with her. I never, ever "wanted" her to move. She made that choice, not me, by her further actions" still give off that prince of the house aura. Or smell.

I'm actually sympathetic re your circumstance, but these I am Wronged, She is Bad statements are kind of stunning.

There was also this -
"It is her choice. If she wants to stay, she will be the one who will have to convince me that she can walk the straight line, at least until we sell the house."
Walk the straight line? Now you're moving into House God.
I can see why she would agree to get out of there, but I'm not so sure it is smart in her case legally.

We don't know her points of view, but we do see yours, as mister blameless.
I understand that too, I think some situations are fairly one sided. But people who may have made negative comments aren't after your hide. We're trying to get you to look up.
 

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