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I have been having problems of late, am a divorced male and for the past 3years i have been dating a widow. We both have children only that her 14yr old daugh rejects me. We both love each other alot plus religion is also another barrier. I have tried to speak to her daugh but she ends up insulting me by saying nobody will take my fathers place. Her parents also know about us and are against our relation. My children have bonded with my girlfriend so well only her side giving tension.

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 1,183 • Replies: 15

@vimalv,

First, her daughter is correct. You won't be taking her father's place. And you should not try to do so. You may want to sit down with her and your girlfriend and talk to her. Make sure she hears you say that you would never try to take her dad's place. If you love her mother, then tell her (the daughter) that you do. Make sure her mother tells her how she feels about you. This might go a long way toward building a relationship between the two of you.

You didn't say in what way religion is a barrier, so I have nothing to say on that except that you and the girlfriend should come to terms on that BEFORE advancing to the point of marriage. If not, you'll only be asking for trouble down the road.

As for your girlfriend's extended family, they will get over it. If the two of you remain together long term, they will accept you. Just don't hold it against them that they were at first hesitant to accept you. They may well have liked her deceased husband a great deal and they don't have the benefit of knowing you as well as your girlfriend has come to know you. So give them a break. They will come around.

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@vimalv,

vimalv wrote:

I have been having problems of late, am a divorced male and for the past 3years i have been dating a widow. We both have children only that her 14yr old daugh rejects me. We both love each other alot plus religion is also another barrier. I have tried to speak to her daugh but she ends up insulting me by saying nobody will take my fathers place. Her parents also know about us and are against our relation. My children have bonded with my girlfriend so well only her side giving tension.

First of all; if you love the woman, marry the woman, and not her kids... Your relationship with them is through her, and they are her problem... Religion is no more of a barrior than you want it to be... As Shakespeare said: If two people ride a horse, some one has to sit in front... My attitude is: if you follow your love, you follow your lover.... To whom the choice is essential shall the choice go... Yield in all matters of equal merit, and try to not let your pride get in the way of your happiness... Take it out in trade... You will not win every dispute, and should not expect to... The winning or losing is a long term proposition, and you can calculate neither before the relationship has reached its end... Is that where you want to be: At the end???

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Assure the 14 year old that you are NOT trying to replace her father. But that you do expect to be treated as a human, as a respect to her mother. After all, you are making her mother happy. (Kids sometimes feel that if the surviving spouse appears to "get over" and move on from one parent, that parent will do the same to the kid.. Mother should assure her that she loves her and there is a special bond between her, her father and the daughter)

The religion thing is another issue. WHAT issues are you dealing with? Is it something big, like Christian vs. non Christian, or is it a matter of what church you two should go to?

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@PUNKEY,

She's a muslim and am hindu, though for me religion does not matter so much neither does it mean i can change my religion.
Cause of the daugh, when we together we always end up fighting as i get very frustrated by her behavior. Its like she's totally controlling my girlfriend emotional and i feel i should back off now as i keep losing my temper as we both hardly spend time together.
Because the daugh doesnt like me my girlfriend cant go anywhere with me, incase we do plan to go on her return she would find her daugh crying and would be awake.
I have also tried to have a conversation with her daugh but didnt work so well but left with insults.

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Religion barrier is that am Hindu and she's muslim. Although i have no problem with her religion neither does she but her parents and brothers do have an issue.
I have had a sitting with the daugh along with my girlfriend (Mother), but she didnt want to even discuss anything with me. My girlfriends very calm and am opposite - Very short tempered....
We both can hardly go out as well as her daugh will just be crying through out. Neither can i even call her as the daugh will make a face and wont talk to her mother.
Only during working hours am able to talk to her and meet her in the evenings after work daily for 15minutes. What a life honestly...

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Thanks to all but i need help am too confused

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@vimalv,

vimalv wrote:

Religion barrier is that am Hindu and she's muslim. Although i have no problem with her religion neither does she but her parents and brothers do have an issue.
I have had a sitting with the daugh along with my girlfriend (Mother), but she didnt want to even discuss anything with me. My girlfriends very calm and am opposite - Very short tempered....
We both can hardly go out as well as her daugh will just be crying through out. Neither can i even call her as the daugh will make a face and wont talk to her mother.
Only during working hours am able to talk to her and meet her in the evenings after work daily for 15minutes. What a life honestly...

What else is a Hindo to do??? Convert, and accept Allah and Islam, or don't mess around with her... Those people are nothing like easy going... They are people of honor, and If you have some, and want her then convert... If you have no honor, then forget her and run back to you multiplicity of gods..

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@Fido,

Fido wrote:

If you have no honor, then forget her and run back to you multiplicity of gods..

Thus speaks a fool.

1 Reply

@contrex,

contrex wrote:

Fido wrote:

If you have no honor, then forget her and run back to you multiplicity of gods..

Thus speaks a fool.

Or they could marry and it would never, ever, in a multitude of possible unreal realities work... Look at the signs... In a place were social and familial support are essential for the success of a marriage there will be none... It is Romeo and Juliet with a sun tan, but with no greater chance of turning out well for any other than the author, who is not fate, but folly...

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@Fido,

They were right. Some comments should be banned.

1 Reply

@roger,

roger wrote:

They were right. Some comments should be banned.

Those people have been killing each other for centuries, and you want to put them in the same bedroom... You should be banned... Shakespeare was right, that when two people ride a horse, some one has to sit in front... He did not say two people going in opposite directions should try to get their at the same time on the same horse... Try not to be daft... It is clear the relationship does not have the support of family, so it is all but doomed...

1 Reply

@Fido,

Thank "GOD" that both my wife and I are atheists............

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Vim - you are not going to want to hear this, but you need to move on.

This relationship has too many obstacles to deal with - it can not happen.
Conflicting religions, family negativity, brat child controling her mother, passive parenting, grieving issues, . . . too big to deal with.

Find another love . . .

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I don't know if you are still receiving updates, but, a friend married a man who seemed wonderful. His young daughter tore the relationship apart. They went to counseling. The couple ended up separating because the girl's behavior was too much. Although I haven't heard from those families in at least four years, the last news was that the trouble making girl, then in high school, was pregnant.

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@vimalv,

Oh! That's something problematic..It seems that even if you guys mary, her daughter won't accept you and would go away from her mother too. And being a good father I hope you do not want to take a mother away from a daughter who has already lost her father. If you get into a live in relationship with the lady, this could probably help out.

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