Sat 23 Oct, 2010 05:31 pm
Hi, over the past year I have finally started seeing where my life is headed, I have a great job and I've just bought a new house which is great and I'm really loving life at the moment, but all my friends are starting to settle down with their men and have kids and in all honesty its getting me kind of jealous. I've been seeing this guy, Jake, for the past few weeks and I like him, I do, but I don't feel a click. The annoying thing is, I think he does. He seems to like me a lot more than I like him, and if I cant see it going anywhere, then surely I'm just leading him on? The worst thing is I recently got a promotion, and one of my new colleagues, Oliver, is absolutely beautiful (inside and out) and we seem to be flirting all the time. We went out for a drink the other night with some other work mates, but I felt so alive around him, sort of nervous, which I haven't really felt with Jake. I've had my fair share of adventurous relationships in the past and Oliver seems to have that flair that I'm always so attracted to, but I think I need to settle down, and I feel like Jake would be the safer option. I've only ever had two serious relationships in the past, so I've never really been in this situation before, I've talked to my girl friends but non of them have been able to relate so I'm still non the wiser, any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!
You think it might be a good idea to settle down for the rest of your life with a guy who you are not that crazy about just because your friends are doing it? Not a good idea from my perspective. You're setting yourself up for a marriage of boredom, frustration and the feeling that something is missing - which there is. Marriages built on such unstable emotions (rather selfish ones) tend to fail and will likely lead to heartbreak for all involved. I think you should be wild about the person you marry, madly in love and overflowing with passion. It still might not last, but at least those early years will be a heck of a good time.
Speaking as a guy, I feel sorry for both Jake and Oliver. I hope you drop the first and avoid messing with the second, and that you grow up soon.
Speaking from loads of personal experience...
When you find yourself attracted to two guys at the same time, it is a sure sign that you are not ready to settle down.
And there's nothing wrong with that...life lasts a long time, and there's a time for everything.
Don't feel as though you have to settle down.
You are just now enjoying the idea that different men have different "talents."
Keep noticing, make no commitments, and wait for the guy to come along who is a combination of everything you want.
You just haven't met him yet (as the song goes)
If you are torn between two guys, then I'm with Eva. You're not ready to settle down. You'll know the right guy when he comes along.
And don't worry about what your friends are doing. Find your own path. Make sure you are settling down with Mr. Right before you settle down. Might save you some heartache down the road.
I've been seeing this guy, Jake, for the past few weeks and I like him, I do, but I don't feel a click.
You've been seeing him a "few weeks", don't feel a "click" and you are ready to settle down and start having kids? You've got the cart before the horse here. Find the right guy with the right click and then think about a long term future and please break up with Jake so he can find someone to click with. It all sounds like an Ally McBeal episode
Well, it sounds like life put these two people in your path to force you to think about what you want, not so that you'll choose either one of them. So keep digging about what you like or don't like about these guys and what you like or you don't like about yourself when you're with them. But do not, under any circumstances, settle down with either of them. Not right now anyway.
Right. I don't think any decisions need to be made now. A few weeks is still pretty casual -- you can say to Jake that you like him a lot but you feel like things are getting too serious too fast. Back off from that a bit, see what you think of Oliver. Maybe Jake will turn out to be a serious relationship, maybe Oliver will, maybe neither. But you don't have enough information yet to "choose" in any meaningful way yet, IMO.
For what it's worth, I was in a similar situation -- I met a "Jake," liked him a lot, was with him for couple of weeks, and then ran into an old friend "Oliver," and sparks were flying all over the dang place. Didn't know what to do. Oliver knew about Jake, Jake didn't know about Oliver. I was really agonizing over it for a while, went away for the weekend and thought on it, and decided to focus on Jake. (Oliver was pissed and we were never really friends after that. Oh well.) The Jake relationship ended up being a very good one that lasted a couple of years and taught me a lot.
When one is confused about making a judgment, it is because they do not have a standard by which to make the judgment.
If you would like a better undertanding of judgment, you might be interested in my Language and Experience on the internet archive. The audio book is abridged, but the pdf at the bottom of the page is complete.
It will be difficult to understand as it takes a different mind set and experience than one is usually exposed to.