The wife allowed my 16 year old daughter to get a third ear-piercing

Bill,

I believe any young woman (12+) should be able to have the standard two ear piercings. As for the third piercing, I completely agree with you, it isn't unreasonable or unrealistic to restrict her from getting one (within limits). However, it's my belief that if she can present a just case for why she wants the third piercing and how the benefits will outweigh the detriment, I would be willing to re-evaluate my position.

One important item I must stress: the reason some individuals will call you unrealistic or over-controlling isn't going to be the result of one choice. Perhaps you have a pattern of behaviour which people are identifying. It's important to introspect on why control is so important in this case, and to be aware of the fact that you may not have the necessary information to qualify calling all the shots, all the time. If your daughter grows up spoiled, that is undoubtedly unfruitful, but so is the diametric opposing circumstance. If she is shown no choice or self-power to make her own decisions and live with the consequences, she won't grow as a functional individual.

In the worst case, she will discover that people are judging her for her self-made appearance and will choose either to recreate her image to better suit the niche (removing the earring), or reject her antagonists on the basis of their shallow, neurotically self-involved thinking (and rightfully so). It's difficult because teenage girls are especially susceptible to denigrative influences and they do need strong guidance to lead the template of their future choices, but that shouldn't interfere with their right to reason and think for themselves. If your daughter interprets you as someone who is over-bearing and strong-minded, have you considered it's possible that she's just taking up that torch?

If you think you're doing the right thing, than believe in yourself. Let your sense of reason and compassion be the guide for your choices and always consider the human factor. Personally, I don't think your attitude is wrong per se: it just may or may not be the optimal approach, given the fact it is making you doubt yourself.

That's my two cents.

Billz - I'd relax about the third ear piercing. I have to say that I don't even notice how many ear piercings anyone, including my doctor, including my MALE doctors might have.
And I do know at least one male doctor with his ear pierced - he's not my doctor- but he's my friend and I know he has a thriving practice with plenty of patients, so if that's your concern, I hope you can believe it's probably not all that valid.

My daughter is seventeen - has her ears pierced - I'm not sure how many times - at least one has three if I remember correctly - her nose pierced- she's got a nice small nose and tan skin, so it looks sort of fittingly exotic. She also has her belly button pierced - again - she has a nice stomach so it looks nice - that's my favorite present to buy her - belly button ornaments. If I were younger and not so squeamish, I'd have had my belly button pierced. I think that looks really pretty.

She wants her tongue pierced. That's where I put my foot down. As long as she lives in my house, I don't want to have to look at that every day. That grosses me out, watching these girls push their tongue studs around and thinking of all the food particles stuck in there. So I told her she's gonna have to have her own place and pay her own bills before that one is a go.

But I don't think it will affect her career options. And if she does want to work someplace that doesn't allow piercings - she can just take them out. She goes to a school that doesn't allow her to wear her nose stud - and she just takes it out at school and puts it back in at home and when she goes out.
If the job and career mean more to her than the jewelry, she'll do what she has to do to get the job and career.

I do find your patriarchal attitude about presenting this clean and pure non-studded girl to the world a little old fashioned and condescending. What cultural background are you from?

And about your wife taking your daughter and letting her do this without your permission - my son and his father were at the mall together when my son was about seven and his dad let him get his ear pierced for the second time.

I'd known about the first time - but I didn't know about the second time - same ear. I thought that was a little over the line for a seven year old boy - but other kids of hippy parents had it and Joseph wanted it.
The point is - he wasn't even wearing anything in the holes four or five years later, so to get all crazy and upset about it would have been a complete waste of time.

He's an adult now and he doesn't wear any earrings at all - I don't even know if the holes are still there.
But now he's got this crazy ass afro that he's starting to twist into dreads. Apparently the girls love it. I hate it - he is so handsome and you can see his face so much better when his hair is neat and short - but what're you gonna do?
You have got to let your kids express themselves. How would you feel if all your self-expression was monitored and/or actually prohibited? I bet you'd feel pretty damned stifled and unhappy- and you'd resent whoever was stifling and monitoring and prohibiting you.
Is that how you want your daughter to feel about you?

I agree with your intension, but your methodology may need some revision.

Patience is the key. Your daughter is still learning life-lessons, and even if she strays from the beaten path, that isn't necessarily a sign of failure, she may indeed end up in life exactly where you had hoped she would end off at. It's a bit of a play into chaos-theory at this point, but you have to show her trust to some degree that she is making the right choices for herself.

third piercing is really nothing these days. you may want your daughter to 'leave your house in a pristine condition' (sounds like she's a car or something), but she does own her body even if she's 16. I had 5 ear piercings at that age (did 3 of those myself). Now I only use 2, absolutely no issue whatsoever.
Relax a little, let your daughter have a normal, adolescent life.

I think I understand where you are coming from, but yes, it does come across rather suffocatingly repressive. I think you need to pick your battles. And this? To me, doesn't seem like a good one to bring out the guns for when you are talking about a 16 year old girl who will quite quickly become a woman.
At that age, the harder you push on the little stuff, the more you pretty much push 'em to the big stuff. I think it's cause, as she is exploring more and more her own personality and stance on this - -independent of how she's grown up or you - - there is a huge friction with teenagers as to whether the parent supports and loves em as an individual or just for what they do.
You say you love your daughter so much, so yeah I agree with the giving her space thing completely.
I don't envy the job of being a dad to a teenage girl, but a dad is a very important person to a girl, and you want her to feel she can come to you and is loved, yes?

I understand where you are coming from Bill. Personally, I think any more than one ear piercing is a bit much. In my opinion, women with multiple piercings just don't have any appeal. Much like a woman who overdoes the jewelry thing, I think they just look gaudy. And if I'd had a daughter, I would fight tooth and nail against anything more than one piercing and would hope my wife would support me, or at least not go behind my back to allow the daughter the additional piercings. But I would also hope that I would have enough wisdom to know when to shut up and let my girl make her own decisions about things.

Having said all that, if the only issue you have with your 16 year old daughter is the extra ear piercings, then I think you can pat yourself on the back and rest easy knowing you've raised a pretty good kid. Don't make more of this than it really is. I think that is what most others here are saying. After all, it is just an extra hole in the ear.

I don't really understand this thread. My daughter only has two ears.

that's what i was thinking, if my daughter had three ears the last thing i'd worry about is getting them pierced

another thing i find interesting, the use of the phrase "the wife", not "my wife"

that phrase and his attitude towards his daughter and her pristine condition, sounds more like he has a collection of objects rather than a family

I see at least three different issues here.

1.) How big of a deal it is to have a third ear piercing. I think you're overreacting there. It's really not something that will realistically limit her options in this day and age, especially because it is something that is so easily reversed/ camouflaged. (Camo: don't wear an earring in a given situation. Reversed: stop wearing the earring entirely. The hole will close up. I know several people who have done this, difficult-to-impossible to tell there was ever a hole.)

2.) Co-parents consulting on big decisions. I have sympathy for you there. I would be upset if my husband made a unilateral decision to allow my daughter to get a piercing, without talking to me or getting my OK. That's about it being a big decision though, rather than about the piercing being right or wrong.

3.) The "pristine" stuff. I find this the most disturbing. Yes, of course she would take it as if you were saying she's dirty now. Because that's what you're saying! You still love her, but she's not pristine. That'd sting, especially for a 16-year-old.

Did she ever scrape her knee? Maybe even have a tooth pulled? Any shots? How was she able to get through all that in "pristine" condition while an ear piercing ruins everything?

My new dermatologist wears three gold earnings up one ear, she's very attractive and probably in her mid-30's. It doesn't bother me a bit.

The more you try and control your daughter the more you will lose control. At 16 it's time to let me her make her own success and her own mistakes. Just be there to help if she asks for it.

Being opinionated and overly controlling is also quite common.

Word. I think you're really lucky, Bill, that it's not her lip, nose, or belly button we're talking about. You need to let her be herself before she becomes convinced (by your signals) that her self is unacceptable and chooses a mate that reinforces that idea.

This may or may not reassure you, but . . .

My daughter has three ear piercings.

She is working on a PhD in the Department of Molecular and Cellular Biology
at Harvard. She'll finish next year.

Last month she married a man who is an assistant dean.
(. . . and his mother is pickier than Cotton Mather's God.)

I'm not huge on body piercing, myself. But a third ear piercing is really mild. I work in an extremely conservative field - I had a third ear piercing. I've let it close up since, just because I out grew it.

To be honest there are much worse things out there. Body piercing is huge now with young women so a third ear piercing, I'd imagine would not be looked at badly.

One positive is piercings can always be taken out - in other words you do not have to have an earring in the third piercing if it were a situation where a more conservative look would be beneficial (although in my opinion a third piercing is not wild and can look nice).

Your daughter seeing she has high aspirations is probably pretty level-headed. I'm sure if she gets a bad reception or reaction she would prefer not to receive with the third piercing - she would learn to take it out when not appropriate.

I bet she looks really cute with it. She is young - this is small - be happy she doesn't want a belly piercing or something in a more personal spot - even yet something more permanent like a tatoo.

This sentiment bears repeating unremittingly.

It may not be conforming - it may be because she likes it. I understand your concern - I have two young daughters (much younger than yours) - the youngest 8 - asks all the time about getting her ears pierced.

I explained when she shows the maturity to take of them herself then we will discuss. (ie - teeth brushing without being told, things like that).

Me too - they nauseate me. But that's my problem just as Bill's view of his daughter as somehow now stained is his problem.

When K left for school it took her about three days to get her septum pierced. I suggested she wait until it healed enough that she could remove it for a day or so before coming home for her first visit. She decided that homesickness was more important than a hole in her head and took it out. She redid it a year later but wears a 'flipper' that she can flip up out of view when she sees me wincing. She also did her tongue but took that out when her boss suggested she could either have a job at their store or have a pierced tongue. Her decisions and her choices on how to deal with the consequences. I've since gotten slightly more used to the thing in her nose.

I would have been furious if she'd done it at 16. Like Bill, I'd told her it was her choice to make once she turned 18. My reasons were different than his - I don't get the pristine thing, but I don't have to. It's what he saw as his role as a father. I don't agree with his reasoning, but I understand his sentiment.

Yes, it does.

Cycloptichorn