A New Leaf

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I have come to the realization that it is time for me to make changes in my life for the better. Yea I am still going to be gay, but... I mean in my attitude. Revealing, me putting mean and attitude in the same sentence. I have been a menace and, no, I am not going to become a republican again. I just want to reinvent myself as caring person. No more contrived motivations and manipulative paragons.

Inside I have always been a good soul but I have been carried away into issues and allowed my emotions to get the better part of me. Much to my great loss I have trampled my best friends along the way. Now in my despair I have seen the error of my ways. Yes, I have driven everyone away from some inner sadness that I have just needed to let go of. Maybe a hatred for God or an attempt to transform an imperfect world into something it is not and will never be. I have called a truce with the powers that be and I plan to live the rest of my life in peace and tranquility.

This new leaf begins at ground zero... "me", and I believe if I get my heart in the right place that my life will prosper rather than continually spiral out of control. I cannot focus on the friends I have lost because I may never be able to win them back and it rips my heart out to even go there.

I think I have a firm vision of who I want to be but it has taken a rough road to get there. I just want to say that I am now approachable and I think I got a grip on my life. In tears I write this and if I have offended anyone over the years I am truly sorry and I will make amends if it is the last thing I do in this life. No more fiery thunderstorm posts out of me just smooth sailing and calm seas. RexRed has turned over a new leaf and come hell or high water I plan to stay focused on the goal of revealing the kinder and gentler side of me.

All my love, Rex

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Sounds like another mood swing.

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

Sounds like another mood swing.

Haha, no, this has been coming on for a long time. Or as they say, a long time coming. I guess we live and learn, some lessons come hard after we lose the ones we love the most. Losing our loved ones can often drive us even deeper into madness. I chose to turn things around for whatever reasons. It is probably too late to get my friends back but I will find more and never make the same mistake again.

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@RexRed,

You had friends?? Just kidding. Good luck with the new self, Rex. It is always a challenge to look at yourself and then change those things you don't like.

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Rex, modus omnibus in rebus

1 Reply

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

Rex, modus omnibus in rebus

Perhaps you have hit on it Chai, "balance". I am caught between the idea that I can change things by being aggressive and outrageously outspoken. The greatest change I believe comes when I am reserved and modest with my words and ideas. Not only are my words more thoughtful but they produce greater results. It is not just being right but the way one expresses an idea that makes even more of an impression on others.

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@RexRed,

Best of luck! Maybe you should do a video for It Gets Better.

1 Reply

@engineer,

engineer wrote:

Best of luck! Maybe you should do a video for It Gets Better.

engineer, I listened to an interview on NPR yesterday about this. They played at least part of the audio of your attached video

It really moved me.

When I see young gay people perservering in in being who they are, despite the bullying, insults, physical threats (and not just threats) I think to myself how much courage and how strong they must be.
It's amazing to me that those who pick on and torment them see them as weak. If it was the aggressor who was getting this treatment from others every day because of something they innately were, they'd probably give up and just hide their true self, or deny themselves.

I see this message as not just for gay teens (and adults), but for anyone who doesn't fit perfectly into some socially accepted parameter.

The definition of socially accepted changes drastically when you get out of high school especially. You're not foreced to be with the same people who treat you badly, day in and day out.

It does get better.

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wow.

I just watched that entire video.

The entire thing was wonderful, but from second 6:50 to the end....absolutely amazing.

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I am not sure if my current situation is related to grammar school some 30 odd years ago... It is more related to the common decisions that every person is faced with. Like Rush Limbaugh, I am sure he did not become so opinionated because he was bullied because he was gay in grammar school but I don't really know. I am not really sure what winds people up and turns them into tyrants and fools. I am not really sure and don't really care how Rush fits into that equation. It is about being as nice a person as one can possibly be.

I feel I have gravitated away from myself and let the issues of life well up inside me and I have over time just become bitter. This can happen to anyone gay or straight. I find myself bitching everyone out even in my own thoughts. Angry words racing though my head all the time. I just have decided to let go of these issues and just go on with it. Gay issues, a world at war, my friends and lover who has deserted me, what ever the trouble may be it is time to just live and leave these issues for someone greater than me to figure out.

I just want to have a moments time in my life where I don't have the weight of the world bearing down on me. I have tormented myself at my own choosing and now I want to leave the politics and the religions to do as the may and just leave me alone.

I have dreams to fulfill and love to share with someone who understands this as I now do. I will not ever find this person if I have a freight train running though my mind the never stops to let me or them off.

I guess I just want to be that quiet guy you sometimes see sitting on the dock staring out to sea.

Well, I am off to the dollar store to get a few items.

1 Reply

@RexRed,

Congrats, Rex. You picked an excellent season for rebirth.

1 Reply

@FreeDuck,

FreeDuck wrote:

Congrats, Rex. You picked an excellent season for rebirth.

Thank you Free, it just feels good to drop this dead weight. Usually when I do things like this it always seems contrived though this time it feels more natural for some reason. I think the main word for this rebirth is "avoidance". I am avoiding heavy issues. Not sure how to really explain it. I am rarely at a loss for words. Less words and constructs, more living and loving. Less complexity and more simplicity. I feel like I am taping into the natural biorhythm of life. Just swaying with the breeze. Perhaps I have stopped my fight and my crusade against the wind and I am letting the wind carry me for once in my life. Just going with the natural flow of things.

I am sure someone is going to piss me off sooner or later and probably sooner rather than later. That is when I will be put to the test if I have really changed or if I am still confrontational. I just hope to keep my wits about me and react in a way befitting to my new state of mind.

1 Reply

@RexRed,

Good for you, Rex.
Best of luck with it! Smile

1 Reply

I'm turning over a new leaf as well, and I'm still going to be gay just not as bitchy as I once was Wink

1 Reply

Onward and upward, Rex!

1 Reply

@littlek,

littlek wrote:

Onward and upward, Rex!

Thank you, I have a long way to go, changing one's character is not an easy thing. I still maintain that avoidance it the best way to make the greatest change. Smile

0 Replies

@msolga,

msolga wrote:

Good for you, Rex.
Best of luck with it!

I am gong to need all the luck I can muster. Old habits die hard. Smile

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@jcboy,

jcboy wrote:

I'm turning over a new leaf as well, and I'm still going to be gay just not as bitchy as I once was

Two less bitches in this quadrant of the globe could spur on mass panic. I just give the impression that I am still bitchy and that keeps the dogs at bay and keeps 'em walking on egg shells. (just kidding) Smile

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@RexRed,

RexRed wrote:

I am sure someone is going to piss me off sooner or later and probably sooner rather than later. That is when I will be put to the test if I have really changed or if I am still confrontational. I just hope to keep my wits about me and react in a way befitting to my new state of mind.

Well, I'm pulling for you. One thing though -- if you do find yourself pulled into a confrontation, don't beat yourself up for it or assume that it means you haven't changed. Look more carefully at yourself and you'll see that even though you might be pulled into a confrontation you may still be more restrained than before. And that's progress. You'll free yourself, of that I'm certain.

1 Reply

@FreeDuck,

FreeDuck wrote:

RexRed wrote:

I am sure someone is going to piss me off sooner or later and probably sooner rather than later. That is when I will be put to the test if I have really changed or if I am still confrontational. I just hope to keep my wits about me and react in a way befitting to my new state of mind.

Well, I'm pulling for you. One thing though -- if you do find yourself pulled into a confrontation, don't beat yourself up for it or assume that it means you haven't changed. Look more carefully at yourself and you'll see that even though you might be pulled into a confrontation you may still be more restrained than before. And that's progress. You'll free yourself, of that I'm certain.

That is very good advice Free, It is nearly impossible to avoid confrontation. Especially me when I have set myself up with so many triggers and and being so emotionally sensitive to boot. I agree that a little temperance and long suffering is better than none and will go a long way.

There are different levels to being a prick hehe

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A New Leaf

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