Our Parents Are Our Parents. Who Else Are They?

I lost all 4 grandparents within a year. I'm still not quite over it. They were a huge part of my life.

I have had a similar thing happen in my life: it's heartbreaking.... you just have to remember that the past is something to look back upon, not to live in, although with things like this it's hard

I feel for you Cav... that seems awful...

I see now why people need religion... it's horrible to think that you'll never see anyone again.

I learned a couple startling things from a sibling regarding our mother which I never knew. She was a rape victim as a teen, and carried a huge guilt burden for years. She also lost a child before I was born that I was totally unaware of. My parents are not overtly demonstrative with signs of love and affection, so I likewise am often uncomfortable expressing these emotions. Very hard to say I love you.

drom, The past is gone. I have my memories. I wish I had more of them. As for religion, I don't have it, and I don't need it. I will never again see the people I care about who've died. But as long as I'm alive, they're with me in my head and heart.

Cav, Horrifying. My heart breaks for you. Such a thing to go through. It's hard enough to have one grandparent die. But all four so close together in time. Ouch.

Kirsten, I'm often amazed at the secrets families have and how these secrets influence who we are even though we don't know what they are.

It amazes me that people can keep such things from their nearest relations. My mother kept hundreds of things away from me, including the fact that she was having a child. She also tried to disguise the fact that she was trying to stop me from going to University.

[quote="Roberta"]drom, The past is gone. I have my memories. I wish I had more of them. As for religion, I don't have it, and I don't need it. I will never again see the people I care about who've died. But as long as I'm alive, they're with me in my head and heart.[/quote]

Ah, that's how I feel too, Roberta. It's a tough thing to accept, but it's the sad truth. It's just that some people really feel... immortal... and when they die, it's so sad... but then, everyone has to die, so that's even more depressing.

My grandparents are the most important people in my life. both my grandfathers died the same year. that was really hard on me but their lives have made me who iam. My one grandfather was a pastor. In my eyes( and many many others that i run into as well) he was the greatest person alive. He had so much peace and love, it just emanated from him. Even though i miss him so much i cant feel sad about it. He made me feel so good that even when i miss him my heart is filled with joy.

This is a really amazing topic. It's interesting to open up your eyes about people.

Perhaps some of it is generational, to some extent. My folks didn't think twice about telling us things. We were told when my father lost his job. We were there for funerals. We heard about illnesses.

A lot of people my age didn't. Grandparents just died and mysteriously went away. Cancer was a word you whispered if you said it at all. Moving was sprung on a kid as close to the day as possible, and the reasons for moving - like economic opportunity (or loss) - weren't mentioned. You just went some place else.

One thing that was very valuable when I was growing up was my 6th grade teacher had us do a project on our ancestors. This involved talking to our folks and grandparents if they were still around. All sorts of questions were asked, such as how we were cared for as infants, which country/countries our families emigrated from, etc. Then we compared answers, and it turned out I was one of the few girls who was changed and fed by her father (I was born in '62, so I'm from the tail end of the baby boom).

Cinder, You're lucky to have had such a person in your life. And he's still in your life--and always will be.

drom and jes, Family secrets. Keeping things from the children. It may be generational. I was in the first wave of baby boomers. And my parents were older when I was born. My father, 41; my mother, 35. I was almost 16 when my grandfather died. It was during the summer, and I was away on vacation--a few hours away. Nobody told me. I didn't get to say goodbye. What did he die of? The word cancer was never spoken.

I was never allowed to meet my grandfather's brother, my great uncle. Why? He was crazy. He was a gangster. My older cousins, both boys, knew him. But I never set eyes on the man--ever.

When I was 10, my mother was scheduled for major surgery. It appears that everyone knew but me. I was told the night before the surgery was scheduled. I had no chance to understand or absorb what was happening.

I understood why my father dropped out of school in the seventh grade. His family was poor; he had to go to work. But why did my mother drop out of high school two months before graduation? I never did get an explanation that made sense.

Secrets. Is it any wonder that I feel that I don't know who my parents were--truly know them.

BiPbear yes, you fresh bear, the leaking was crying!!

Cav, I'm so sorry to hear of your los--it will be with you for a long time. I lost four of the dearest people in my life in one year and it took a number of years to get over it.

Cinderwolf, I had an aunt who, like your grandfather, made me feel wonderful. She was the one person in my life who gave me her total, unconditional love and it helped me hang onto a small, but important belief in myself. She was literally a life saver during the worst times of my life--even her memory was something to hang onto during some bad times.

Dys had a remarkable grandfather. I'll see if I can talk him into posting about this incredible man.

Osso, I thank 'heaven' that you didn't follow the route into the nunnery. I'll lend you my avatar if you ever get the urge. I love you just the way you are--a creative, delightfully sinful, wonderful woman.

I last saw my father at about age three. I did not know until I bought my first computer that he died three years later, at the age of 33. We are still trying to learn the circumstance. He was from a cotton picking family, an alcoholic, a criminal, and cruel. I did not know until a few years ago that my Mom ran away with him after my grandfather tried to run him off. Another revelation: He married some woman 15 months before he married my Mom.
My Mom was also a cotton picker. She told me that when she was young her muscles were hard as iron. I remember things like her driving my brothers and me along a shady road and pausing to climb a tree and pick us each an apple. She erred grievously when she married my step father. He was a large man, who used his size to intimidate. He did try for a few years, but his alcoholism made him become unreliable and by degrees meaner and meaner. I never understood how my Mom stayed with him, having child after child, until she had a dozen, while in her early 30s. After she finally stood up to him and moved to another state to hide from him, she suddenly became inactive. She did little house cleaning, but smoked a lot and watched television. Her children were her one passion in life. It hurt her very much each time one of us grew old enough to leave home. She wanted very much to keep us there with her for an entire lifetime. After my oldest brother got murdered, she became sickly and grieved herself to death. I view her as a person who never got any real affection from other adults, who needed more than anything else some hugs and kind words.

Oh, Edgar.

I try to understand my parents because I know they are people and had lives before they had me... And when my mum and I are not communicating very well she usually writes me a letter, explaining the circumstance so I feel well informed.
I have only kown them for 14 years, which is hardly enough time to get to know someone well if half of it you were learning to talk and walk etc.
I look up to my parents, admire them. And I think if you admire someone your view of them is always a bit off, whether good or bad is not for me to say.
I'm rambling... I geuss my point is I try to understand my parent's lives, and they talk very freely about their pasts.. but I don't think I'll ever understand them like I wish I could.

You will understand them in time, innie.

Osso, A convent? I need to read more slowly and carefully. I'm glad your life took another turn and provided the chance for us to know each other.

Edgar, Close your eyes and picture that someone is putting a hand gently on your shoulder. That's my hand.

Innie, I'm glad that you admire and respect your parents. I think you're right to assume that our vision is often clouded by feelings, so that we're not always able to see people clearly. Nothing wrong with that.

The stories here are a little amazing and, I think, expose some of the shift in attitudes in child rearing over the years.

I knew close to nothing of my grandparents until I started doing some genealogy research. My mother had dug into her side of the family back in the 1970s but there was nothing on my father's side. A few years ago I sat him down and asked some questions and he went into a his bedroom and got a small box from his dresser drawer and gave it to me.

There was a Chicago "shore pass" of the grandfather's from during WWI. It mentioned on it that he worked for the Holland Furnace Company and gave all his vitals. (I guess these were common during both World Wars in major cities near water.. ???). There was also a religious songbook, written in Swedish and printed in Stockholm in 1899, that had belonged to my Great-grandmother. She had died shortly after that and had left my father's mother (and her 2 sisters) an orphan at the age of 12.

He knew little else of his own father since his father had died when he was only 13 himself but he gave me enough that I was able to find other aunts/uncles that I never even knew of to put together a pretty decent history on my grandfather.

He had some other trinkets in the box (which I now have) but most of them were items he had added himself - his high school and college rings, a pay stub from his first full time job, a pic of a dog he had as a kid, etc..

I was lucky enough to know two great grandmothers as well as both sets of grandparents. Well, I must admit, some I really dont have a great love for but, others still today warm my heart and make me misty.
I was very close to my maternal grandfather and he died when I was 16 also. It was really hard on me because the next closest grandchild was 8. I have been able to talk more with my Aunts and Uncles about him and what a great man he was, thankfully I have them.
I recently contacted his sister, trying to get family information and I found out SO much about him and his family. She was kind enough to write out all kinds of details as well as send me a picture of me on his lap as a wee one. Talk about weepy!! My gosh.
I do wish I had talked more with my great grandmother that was around to my teens. I remember talking to her in French as a child (she didnt speak much English at all) but, the family had a falling out and I saw her once again when I was about 13. I think I missed out on a great deal of information by the family void. And geesh...I could be fluent in French by this point too for cryin out loud. Actually I talked to her more in English, she answered more in French and somehow it all worked out.
Happy to have my maternal Grandmother in my life now as an adult, and to be able to understand the Alzheimers and just find joy in the moments, lucid or otherwise.

My maternal grandfather, who I knew a little when I was little, was a commercial fisherman from Newfoundland. He had a gimpy leg, a couple of fingers popped off at joints from fishing line getting wrapped around them, sang sea chantys at the top of his lungs and was the quintessential Old Salty Dog. I heard him say on several occasions that anyone who didn't like the way he conducted himself could"kiss Ned Haines' ass". I became estranged from my maternal family at a very early age, but my memories of Gramps are very fond.

Years later when I saw Jaws.....I was stuck at how much Quint made me think of my gramps. I loved that old guy for the short time I knew him.

Roberta: although I think that it could be mostly generational, I'm only in my twenties, and she kept everything from me exactly in the way that you described.

Aw, thinking of all these people gone gets me down, even though I don't know them.

Bear: that's amazing; my great-grandfather was a commercial fisherman, but he worked out in the North Sea. I knew very little of him because he died when I was about two or three. Apparently, he was rugged but loveable, and did everything for everyone, 'though he'd curse them for giving him such work when they were gone. Everyone called him 'Daddy Frank' in the town, even though he wasn't there for half the time.

It would be nice to think that everyone here would be able to see their parents, grandparents, etc. Too bad that that isn't logical.

Roberta, I am glad I missed the convent experience and that life commenced along the paths I took - I can say I wouldn't have missed a minute along those paths, though sometimes it has taken some years going by to be able to say that without cringing.
I sure am happy to know you too.