Man Bashing, and what Men should do about it

Why don't you LISTEN for a change? LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN???????

Furthermore, with respect to "black women not having a damn clue how to raise healthy, happy, and whole men", do you think their fathers, or lack of them, had anything to do with that

For the first time in any culture at any time in history, females are emancipating earlier and more successfully than males. This crop of young adult males certainly is shaping up to be the most underachieving generation of men (perpetual boys?) to ever inhabit the United States.

I shared the following observation with a recent audience, "When one hears of an individual in their mid-thirties who's still living at home or largely dependent on parents for support and has no clear sense of direction in life, it's almost always a male. It starts in high school, where nearly every video-game addict is a male. In the adult world, women are graduating from college in larger numbers and have taken or are taking over a number of previously male-dominated professions." Everywhere, heads nodded.

It would be simplistic to attempt to attribute the ongoing collapse of the American male on one particular variable, but I think the main problem can be summed up thus: The role of father, and, therefore, his ability to model traditional masculine virtues, has been considerably diminished by several factors, beginning with the most obvious: the father-absent home. Involved dads push their sons to grow up and accept responsibility and encourage their daughters to find men who are grown up and responsible. The less involved the father, especially during the pre-teen and teen years, the less able he is to be that influence in his children's lives.

The divorce rate has contributed greatly to the diminishment of male influence in child rearing, but the problem is compounded by divorced dads who, when they're with their kids, are little more than Good Time Charlies who are fountains of fun and games. The DisneyLand Dad winds up enforcing little if any accountability or responsibility and acts like the world is one big playground. This does not send a good message to children, especially sons.

But even many of those dads who are involved, caring and in the home have unwittingly diminished their ability to transmit masculine virtues to their sons by subscribing to the new ideal in American dad-hood, which is to be your children's best friend. Dad, your son doesn't need a 30- or 40-something year old buddy (this applies to your daughter, as well). He needs a dad who steps up to the plate of leadership and swings the bat.

Nope, that ain't the root, at least according to the author, he blames men.

I think in both cases the critical flaw is the lack of masculine influence in the home.

In both eras, adapting to the conditions around you was necessary for success and self-fulfillment

23 May 2008
When Girls Do Better in School, So Do Boys, Study Finds
Children of the poor lag behind, but trends are positive

Washington -- In recent decades, both American boys and girls have made remarkable strides in education, and there is no evidence that the gains made by girls have come at the expense of boys or that a crisis exists for boys in particular, according to a major new report on gender equity in American education.

The report, Where the Girls Are: The Facts About Gender Equity in Education, was released May 20 by the American Association of University Women (AAUW), a nonprofit advocacy group that has sought gender equity and education for women since its founding in 1881.

The report’s authors say that theirs is the first study to take a comprehensive look at how gender, family income level and race/ethnicity are associated with academic performance.

“The past few decades have seen remarkable gains for girls and boys in education, and no evidence indicates a crisis for boys in particular,” the report’s authors state, adding: “If a crisis exists, it is a crisis for African American and Hispanic students and students from lower-income families -- both girls and boys.”

In fact, the report found that family income level and race/ethnicity are closely associated with academic performance.

In 2006, almost three-fifths (58 percent) of U.S. schoolchildren were categorized as white, one-fifth (20 percent) as Hispanic, and 15 percent as African American, while Asian-American students and “other races” accounted for 4 percent each.

In 1992, the AAUW released a widely disseminated report, How Schools Shortchange Girls, which found that girls in grades K-12 experienced various forms of gender bias that undermined their self-esteem and discouraged them from pursuing study in such subjects as math and science. In recent years, a number of critics have said that attempts to achieve greater gender equity were producing unintended negative effects on boys.

For example, in The War Against Boys (2001), Christina Hoff Sommers argued that, under the guise of helping girls, many schools have adopted policies that penalize boys for behaving in ways natural to their gender. As a result, wrote Sommers, boys lag behind girls in reading and writing ability and are less likely to go to college. The author is a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative public policy research organization.

Critics also have said that women today earn 57 percent of bachelor's degrees, 59 percent of master's degrees, and half the doctorates awarded in the United States.

Gender differences have been difficult to tease out of the data on schoolchildren. On tests such as the SAT and ACT, boys in each racial/ethnic group, on average, nearly always outscore girls in the same group on math and usually on the verbal part of the exams as well. But this gender gap seems to be due to the fact more girls than boys take the tests.

In the few states that now require all high school students to take the SAT or ACT, the gender gap disappears, and this fact alone speaks against any simple finding of a crisis for either gender. Moreover, in states where girls do well on standardized tests, so do boys, and in states where they do poorly, the boys do just as poorly.

Previous studies have not looked at gender differences in the context of income and ethnic or racial differences. But the AAUW report’s authors were able to infer income levels from data on the school lunch program, using participation as an indicator of family-income level. Children from families with incomes at or below 130 percent of the poverty level are eligible for free lunch, while families with incomes between 131 percent and 185 percent of the poverty level are eligible for reduced-price school lunch, for which students can be charged no more than 40 cents.

For the period July 1, 2006, through June 30, 2007, for a family of four, 130 percent of the poverty level was $26,000, and 185 percent was $37,000 annually, according to the U.S. Department of Education’s National Center for Education Statistics.

The report found family income level and race/ethnicity to be closely associated with academic performance. “On standardized tests such as the NAEP, SAT, and ACT, children from the lowest-income families have the lowest average test scores, with an incremental rise in family income associated with a rise in test scores,” the authors state. “Race/ethnicity is also strongly associated with test scores, with African American and Hispanic children scoring lower on average than white and Asian American children.”

But there is good news buried in all the numbers. Trends are positive. For example, higher percentages of fourth and eighth graders from lower-income families scored at or above basic, at or above proficient and at advanced levels in math in 2007 compared to 1996.

During the decade from 1994 to 2004, overall average performance for both girls and boys improved. “Girls are more likely than boys to take college entrance exams, but the growing number of girls taking these exams has not come at the expense of boys,” the report’s authors conclude. “More boys and young men are taking college entrance exams than ever before.”

“A rising tide lifts all boats,” AAUW Executive Director Linda Hallman said in presenting the report. “When girls perform better in school, we see improvements across gender, race, and income lines.”
http://www.america.gov/st/educ-english/2008/May/200805221445501CJsamohT0.5239679.html

Why our boys are failing – and what you can do about it
Dec. 16, 2009

It’s Christmas, and I have a request for fathers out there: Buy your sons some boy-friendly books and then read with them. If you’re rubbing your head thinking, “What the heck’s a boy-friendly book,” chances are you’ve let Mom handle the literacy efforts in your household. Time to change, because in spite of No Child Left Behind, boys are being left behind in droves and fathers are a key part of pulling them out of the abyss.

After decades of GrlPwr, female-only science and technology camps, mentoring for the fairer sex and teacher education focused on “catching girls up,” there are some critical minds noticing that little Johnny’s failing and, oh by the way, that’s a serious issue for U.S. international competitiveness.

One of those minds is that of Richard Whitmire, author of the recently published Why Boys Fail: Saving Our Sons from an Educational System that’s Leaving Them Behind. If you’re the parent of a son, school reform advocate, elementary school teacher, or, most importantly a school administrator or member of any of the school boards in the Tucson metroplex: you need to read this book, sooner rather than later. And, Dads? You need to read with your boys more than you play World of Warcraft with them.

“Fathers need to model literacy,” said Whitmire. “Fathers tend to throw the football with their sons and read to their daughters, and that doesn’t work anymore.”

Whitmire, a former editorial writer for USA Today and immediate past president of National Education Writer’s Association, is uniquely qualified to write about this issue, IMHO, because of his reporting 10 years ago about the AAUW study that claimed schools were discriminating against girls due to such heavy data as boys aggressively calling out answers in class (instead of raising their hands) and teachers favoring boys by encouraging them in math and science...

“I reported (the AAUW) uncritcally and later realized it was boys, not girls, who were struggling. I saw it personally, in the extended family and neighborhood, and also in the national data,” said Whitmire, the father of two girls. “I have 10 nephews and nieces and you can draw a line right down the middle of them and the girls were all sailing through academically and the boys were struggling – they were disinterested in school. The girls clearly wanted to do well in school and the boys’ could care less.”

But why do the boys care less? Because, Whitmire argues, they experience failure as early as kindergarten and first grade due to an increased focus on literacy competence at younger ages than in the past. Whitmire did what good reporters do when wondering about data – he started digging. What he came up with is reported in detailed in his book, but here are a few of the basics offered via e-mail and a morning phone interview:

•In the late 70s, “standards-based education” got its start with a meeting of the states’ governors. At that meeting, they decided more students should be on a college track in high school and because college track work requires heavy doses of critical reading and writing, they pushed literacy skills that used to be taught in second grade down to kindergarten. Yes, kindergarten, according to literacy experts he interviewed. Problem with that: Boys do not do so well with early literacy.

•In the past, boys used to catch up. This is no longer the case, and part of that is due to what we pre-service teachers learn in about in classes: New learning builds on prior learning. If you didn’t master content in the prior year, you’re begin this year behind the starting blocks. Ironically, boys tend to be good test-takers, which may be one reason no one really notices how far behind they are until high school, when the college-prep work turns to reams of reading and writing – not multiple choice tests.

•Few notice the “gender gap” where boys are concerned because “the school accountability movement measures socio-economic and race data,” Whitmire said. “They think ‘race’ but never ask the question, ‘How come the African-American girls seem to be doing well, while the boys aren’t?” He said researchers are just beginning to discover that racial learning gaps are impossible to solve without taking into consideration gender learning gaps.

•The usual arguments that boys do poorly because they all have ADD or ADHD or are addicted to video games are specious. Those events are symptoms of the problem, not the cause, Whitmire says. “Too many boys fall behind early, see the girls excelling and conclude that school is for girls. They get fidgety and look for other outlets, such as video games, which get blamed for the problem. But the games, rap music, etc., are not the cause, they’re the escape.”

•Latino males may be most at risk, followed closely by African-American boys. White boys from blue-collar families aren’t far behind and far more boys from middle class families are floundering than people think. Sons from wealthy families, where literacy skills are present constantly, suffer little.


“I applaud what schools have done for girls,” Whitmire said. “It’s just that they pushed the literacy demands into pre-k, Kindergarten and first grade without realizing that many boys can’t handle literacy that early, at least not the way it’s traditionally taught. … We need to pause to figure out how to teach literacy to boys at those young ages.”

Whitmire says to fix this problem, the U.S. DOE needs to do something similar to what happened in Australia seven years ago. The government there decided that “boy problems” were such they warranted a national investigation. That investigation discovered that literacy – or lack there of – was the “common element behind all the problems.” The country developed experimental programs, evaluated them, selected the most effective and launched them nationwide to save their boys.

“That is not happening here,” Whitmire said. “The U.S. Department of Education doesn’t touch this (literacy gender-gap) subject and it is because, I assume, of the political correctness hurdles.”...

It is time we accepted that (gasp!) boys and girls are not exactly the same, not in communication methods, learning styles, or interests and that the educational system needs to be adapted to them – not them to the system. Because, as a brief glance at the boys around you will show, they aren’t adapting. And they aren’t succeeding. They need us to fight for them with the same force with which we fought for their sisters years ago. If you want to be armed for the battle, get Whitmire’s book...
http://tucsoncitizen.com/godblogging/2009/12/16/why-our-boys-are-failing-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/

.....she does not know what is going on --

Interesting discussion. I don't agree with either of the somewhat polar positions here...

You grant far too much validity to absurd claims

You should just quit talking and start reading to your son.

Since the 1990s, just as girls' self-esteem and academic performance have risen, thanks to new school curricula and heightened awareness of their emotional needs, many believe that boys have felt alienated in the classroom, on the playground and at home. William Pollack, clinical psychologist and director of the Center for Men and Young Men at Harvard Medical School, ticks off the troubling statistics as one would a grocery shopping list.

-- Boys earn lower grades and participate in fewer advanced-placement classes than girls.

-- Boys make up two-thirds of learning-disabled students.

-- Boys represent 57 percent of high school dropouts, reversing a trend from the 1970s.

-- Seventy-five percent of Ritalin prescriptions are given to boys, and an estimated 1 in 6 boys is diagnosed with attention deficit disorder.

-- Boys commit 85 percent of school violence and commit 9 out of every 10 alcohol and drug violations at schools.

-- Boys, several studies show, feel less self-assured, have lower aspirations and feel less emotionally connected to their families and schools than girls.

Pollack, who has studied men for 23 years, has long been aware of the stunning gender reversal in education. He says it's not that boys have fallen behind girls but that they have "fallen behind their own functioning and are doing worse than before."

He says that boys are misunderstood, that their reticence is mistaken for a lack of feelings, that their hands-on learning patterns are mistaken for unruliness, that their physical forms of bonding and endearment are mistaken for aggression. What fundamentally needs to change, he said, is the "boy code" -- those unwritten rules reinforced by society that boys cloak their emotions, hide their fear, shame and compassion behind macho exteriors. They should feel comfortable and supported when they let their vulnerabilities show.
http://articles.sfgate.com/2003-07-13/living/17500494_1_real-boys-ophelia-american-boys

Cracking the Boy Code
by: William S. Pollack, PhD

For at least the last two decades, we have rightfully focused on how girls were once misled and mis-taught into believing they could not achieve equal academic success with boys, especially in the sciences and math. We have worked to change such negative and misguided attitudes with very robust results—more positive academic self-esteem for the girls we love and cherish and clear improvement in test scores and grades, as well as greater numbers graduating high school and many going on to excellent colleges and fulfilling careers in many fields.. Education equality for girls and young women should and must continue to be a central focus for teachers and parents.

But what about the boys? Because I've been criticized for speaking about a "boy crisis" in our schools, I'll stick to the emotionally upsetting real data. Boys' literacy rates and ability to read and write at grade level sadly lag behind their female peers. Their grades from elementary school through high school are points behind girls in almost every subject. They are less likely to feel engaged with their school work or comfortable and emotionally connected with their teachers. They have much higher dropout rates, substantially greater disciplinary problems, and dramatically higher placement in so-called "special education," along with a variety of diagnoses that add up to boys being seen and labeled as dysfunctional failures within our schools.

Certainly ethnicity, race, economic circumstances, rural or urban environments, and family life affect just how well or poorly a boy may do in school. But it still remains that the strongest predictor for disliking school, failure to achieve, failing academically, feeling that school is an unfriendly place to be, and dropping out is to be a boy or young male between the ages of 5 and 18. And if that weren't bad enough, boys and young males in this age group are significantly more likely to experience injuries, premature death rates, and juvenile arrests, often linked to increased, dangerous risk taking behavior, than their female peers. Yet sadly to demonstrate that we are not seeing a growing number of "bad boys" in our homes and schools; but too often "sad boys", young males 12–19 years old are four to six times more likely to complete a suicide attempt, to die by their own hands, than girls of the same age. Yet, while girls generally also continue to have significant difficulties both in school and at home during these years, perhaps the most salient issue is that these pressing problems affecting our boys and young males tend to go unseen, with remedies sorely neglected.

Am I suggesting that there is, a war on boys being waged in our schools? Absolutely not. Am I meaning to criticize parents and teachers for purposely disliking and mistreating boys at school or at home? Definitely not. But, nor am I willing to fall back on one of the dangerous myths we uncovered in researching Real Boy's Voices and our Listening to Real Boys' Voices Project that boys will be boys—and therefore their biology or hormones doom them to a behavioral pattern inexorably leading to school failure.

The "Gender Straitjacket" and the "Boy Code"

One important reason schools, teachers, and even parents miss the warning signs of boys' emotional and academic disconnection is that our society sends a strong message to boys: no matter how much they feel they are losing contact with teachers and parents and no matter how sad and confused they are becoming, a real boy must never show vulnerability: "the boy code."

As a society, we still expect boys to brave life's ups and downs independently, stoically cover their pain, and above all, avoid doing anything "unmanly" that might shame either themselves or their parents. These gender straitjackets push many boys to repress their yearnings for love and connection and build an invisible, impenetrable wall of toughness around them, constructing a false face of bravado —the mask of masculinity—to hide their all too human pain.

The boy code is communicated through such phrases as "Stand on your own two feet," "Be a little man," "Don't be a mamma's boy," "Big boys don't cry." Such messages begin around the ages of four and five and are reinforced in adolescence. Because we diminish the expression of boys' genuine emotional voices, too many boys believe they are failing to achieve what has become a truly impossible test of masculinity. Since the expression of their natural love and empathy violate such a restrictive code of masculinity and, indeed, are considered feminine, boys are prodded into a homophobic stance, with softness considered acting "gay," their worst fear; and angry emotions accompanied by "bullying" actions may be their only means to express their feelings and still protect their fragile sense of remaining a "real boy."

In our research, we found myths about boys, created and reinforced by the boy code, that become self-fulfilling prophecies:

Violence is biologically inevitable for boys.

Boys are less empathic than girls.

The expression of caring and love by young males is "unnatural" or "feminine."

While there are biological differences between the genders, we know from modern neuroscience that the way we nurture our boys is an equal, perhaps more powerful predictor of behavior than most biologically based tendencies. So although boys may be more "rough and tumble" and need large spaces for play and movement, at birth, boy babies are also more emotive, connected, and responsive to their female caretakers than girl babies are; yet by 5th grade, they have 50 percent fewer words for emotions, except those connected with anger, hurt, and aggression. It is social pressure via the boys code, not biological destiny, that creates this gap.

In addition, boys are bathed in "boy culture"—much of it created by adult definitions of masculinity—with action-oriented and violent media, toys, and games. Hiding behind that mask of masculine bravado, boys experience a range of problems alone: academic failure, drug abuse, struggles with friends, clinical depression, attention deficit disorder, suicide, and murder. It becomes very hard to hear boys' stifled, but genuine voices of pain and struggle, their yearning for connection. Indeed, we have found that the same kind of shame that silences many girls from expressing themselves at adolescence takes a toll on boys at a much earlier age.

Strategies for boys' classroom success

Some boys fail at school because teachers may not recognize that many boys have a different behavioral tempo and learning style, particularly in elementary and middle school. Educators must be open to a wider range of learning techniques and acceptable behavior to keep boys involved and learning, while we remain affirmative of girls' ways of knowing as well. It is important, however, for teachers and parents to guard against popular, oversimplified "neuroscience" by people unqualified to make "diagnoses," as well as those who would make positive changes for boys a zero sum game that pits the needs of boys against girls. We are perfectly capable of giving both the environments they need to grow and prosper at home and at school. We must also remember that a certain percentage of boys will have more classic "girl" style learning needs and vice versa. So we must be careful not to stereotype all boys' and girls' needs.

Consider the following strategies for working with boys:

Active learning. A majority of boys learn and connect better through action or activity. At school, that means boys need more freedom to move around in the classroom (especially in the early years), more recesses, no punishments that take away recess or physical activity, "gadgets" boys can manipulate while they attempt to listen, and the incorporation of video-based and computer learning, even during traditional instruction.

Literacy. The typical boy will learn to read and write approximately 12 months later than the typical girl. Many boys prefer nonfiction stories involving action (violence not required). Reading and writing materials that cater to boys' learning curve and tastes will help boys get excited by and stay engaged in learning.

Communicating with your boy

If your boy isn't very comfortable talking with you about his day or his feelings, use our practical research model of Action Talk:

Timed silence. First, although we always helped boys to express a wide range of feelings, we recognized that the "boy code" often made it hard for them to express their painful emotions in words and overcome their hidden feelings of shame. Thus, we allowed for "timed silence," not pressuring them before they were ready and giving them some time to connect

Shame-free and safety zones. We created safety or shame-free zones with adults where boys knew they were safe from teasing, shaming, blaming, and lectures. We also monitored our own attitudes and prejudices.

Communicate by doing. Since action was still their preference, we did not force words upon the boys. First, we engaged in an activity of their choosing, such as a game, a walk, or a car ride. Only then did we make a very brief statement, and waited patiently for their unique responses, resisting the temptation to lecture.

Share experiences. In an attempt to diminish boys' loneliness and disconnection, we shared a few of our own experiences of boy-code pain. When such sharing comes from a father or father figure, a boy learns in the deepest sense that real men have pain and can share it. When a mother or maternal figure shares an experience, a boy learns that women respect boys and men who can be openly vulnerable. Importantly, she also communicates that for all our apparent gender differences, we really do come from ONE planet.

Express love. We sometimes hesitate to tell boys and young men not only how much we admire their hard work, but also how much we really do love them. As they grow older, boys hear that word from the caring adults in their lives 10 times less than the girls we cherish. Ignore the friends and relatives with tough-love advice, or the principal who doesn't understand that boys need emotional support at school, or even your son's own fears about turning into a "sissy." You really can't express your genuine feelings of love for your son too much.

A soul-satisfying boyhood and manhood

The solution to boys' failures at school and disconnection at home not only will turn around a negative and dangerous trend for your son and our society, but it also will allow him to become the kind of boy who respects and cares about girls. In our research, we found that underneath their masks, many boys had a sense best described as "soulfulness." Certainly some were old enough to "action talk" about religion or faith. But this was something different. It showed a deep sense of respect and caring for self and others. In this less than perfect world, we all must help to make life better for all—and many boys want to engage in just such a task.

The Talmudic scholar Hillel, challenged to put the essence of what was to become Judeo-Christian philosophy into only three sentences, spoke of a balance we can apply to boys, girls, and parents. Hillel taught: If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am for myself alone, then what am I? If not now, when? Healthy self-esteem, coupled with equal and compassionate regard for the emotional potential of both boys and girls now will set our children on the road to true and meaningful fulfillment.

William S. Pollack, PhD, is an associate clinical professor (psychology), in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School; the author of numerous articles and books, including Real Boys and Real Boys' Voices; and founder and director of the Real Boys® Institute in Newton, Massachusetts, and the Centers for Men & Young Men at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts. His website is http://www.williampollack.com/.

http://www.pta.org/3735.htm