Friendship and companionship

if there is absolutely no physical attraction what's so ever, it would be wrong of you to become anything more than a good friend to her. if there is even an inkling of physical attraction to back up the mental connection though, build off of that and have a great relationship.

One thing will always be constant with her, that is the feelings she has for you. I can identify with your dilemma, and I agree with Cent that you shouldn't give in to a physical relationship with her, it's your responsibility not to. Her dilemma is, should she see you at all without controlling those feelings that go beyond friendship, that is her responsibility if she wants a friendship with you, not yours.

So both of you have issues to work out before even a friendship between you two is healthy.

Are you having sex with her?

sex
No I am not having sex with her. But we have had sex. When we were roommates, we hooked up once or twice, but we were drinking on those occasions, and I didn't know at the time that she was in love with me. I thought that we were both just having fun. Since we've started hanging around together again I realize I don't feel any physical attraction to her, but I feel a strong bond and I don't want to lose her as a friend, and probably in the back of my mind I am trying to make myself learn to be attracted to her, even though that seems highly unlikely to work. I don't think I have ever felt this connected to anyone though.

kickycan, call me crazy, but if the emotional connection is there, it just might work. It also may not, but that's how the game works. Start subtle conversations about your fantasies, and what you might want her to do with you sexually. Open up the door, see what walks out. You may be surprised. If you really really are NOT physically attracted though, call it off. However, you said you have never felt this connected to anyone. That says to me it's worth a try.

NO, no, no, no........
Do not get into a 'relationship' unless it's all there.
It's not fair to either of you to give up an important, neccessary function of life. Best friends can make great lovers but if your not interested if will never be enough. A couple of years down the line, when your bored or horny, will your friendship be enough to save the relationship. One of you will end up feeling betrayed.
Don't do it. Never settle.

Hmm...I gave dual advice, maybe not good.

Ceili is right. Furthermore, if you are encouraging her with inappropriate behaviour, i.e touching, suggestive language, things that may be "innocent" fun to you, but misinterpreted by her, cut it out right now. It's insensitive and selfish. You can't expect to extract the parts of a relationship you desire, and leave her to deal with the rest. If you suffer a loss, so be it.

I was thinking about this the other day, the whole concept that if two straight people who are of opposite sexes really, really like each other, well, there must be some sexual component, no? What about two straight women who are good friends? Two straight men?

A real connection can be there with absolutely no sexual attraction. It just means you LIKE each other. That can happen without sex, really. ;-)

Unfortunately, since you guys have already had sex, and she thinks it's a big deal, it's all more complicated. If it was before anything had happened, I'd say, great, you have a friend! Make sure you keep it that way, keep things clear, don't do anything to hurt her. It may be too late for that, but if you're very honest about how important she is to you, who knows, could still happen. I haven't managed to remain close friends with anyone I was in a romantic relationship with, but lots of people do. And this was so transitory -- twice? while drunk? -- that it can't even be called a romantic relationship, really.

Just lay it out there, see what happens. She may well prefer to keep your friendship, too.

I completely agree with Ceili, though, I don't think this is something you want to push further. A really good friend is a cool thing in and of itself, and the alternative could get way ugly.

Sozobe,

"A real connection can be there with absolutely no sexual attraction. It just means you LIKE each other. That can happen without sex, really."

Just to play devil's advocate here, what about people who are married for years and as they get older they don't have that physical attraction anymore, but the companionship is there. I know there must be old couples who don't have sex anymore, but have a bond from just being together for so long. Are you saying that is just a friendship?

And Ceili,

I see what you are saying, but here's my problem. It sounds great and everything, but in order for that to work, you'd have to believe that everyone gets to find that special perfect romantic relationship that fulfills all their needs. Isn't it possible that some people don't get that chance? And what happens if I move on and then never find that? Then I end up alone because I went after some fantasy pipe dream? Wouldn't it be better to lay all my cards on the table with this woman and hope I can at least keep what I have? Maybe some people don't get to be with their soulmate.

Kickycan......I truely believe that you love this person as a friend. However I don't think in the long run you would be happy with anything more then that.

Love has so many different degrees to it. The desire inside of all of us to have that "near" perfect mate isn't something you can just set aside. You will always feel like something is missing ..no matter how wonderful she is as a person. Just as that would not be fair to you....it would also not be fair to her.

I think sex is important. Not just for the physical aspects of it....but also because it's a beautiful way of expressing your love for someone. It's very bonding. Very intense. Just having sex can leave you feeling extremely empty and lonely afterwards. Making love, on the other hand.....can make you feel like you have just had new life breathed into you. And you deserve that in your life.

Although you feel like you are hurting her by not returning the same kind of love that she has for you.....don't forget that she is your friend. A true friend would only want to see you happy. And a true friend will sacrifice their own feelings for yours....if that's what it takes.

~Brooke

It doesn't sound like she's pressured you, she's just loved you from afar. Took what you have given her and hasn't asked for more.

I'm not in your shoes, but I do believe I would find out what it was about her that has you inticed. Why are you so drawn to her, why do you desperately need her in your life?

For some reason I think that its a possiblity that I wouldn't pass up on finding out about. Like someone else said...lay your cards on the table. Just because your not sexually attracted to her, doesn't mean that she's not your soul mate. She means enough to you that you don't want to loose her.

kickycan, I'm sympathetic, really. I have so many single friends who I have given speeches to that have a lot of elements of what you say, that you can't hold out for some perfect "soulmate" pipedream and overlook perfectly wonderful people right there, etc., etc.

But lemme ask you... do you have a sex drive? At all? If you don't, cool, have a nice asexual long-term romantic relationship. Nothing wrong with that.

But if you do, are you willing to subliminate it for the sake of companionship? The couple you speak of don't exist, (you'd be surprised how much the oldsters get it on ;-) or are at the same place libido-wise, or one is willing to make a sacrifice because of the love and history that exist between them.

Starting off with a sacrifice will end badly, in any number of ways.

Kickycan, you deserve to be in love, truly, with whoever you end up with and your friend deserves someone who truly loves her and wants to be with her as well. Everyone deserves that and you just may find it IF you don't settle.
How old are you, by the way?

Sozobe made a very good point here. If you did commit for the sake of companionship,then down the road became passionately attracted to someone else, what would you do?

I was in a similar situation once, and my lack of interest in my boyfriend sexually became a very painful issue between us. The more I tried, the more turned off (and almost repulsed) I got, and the more hurt and frustrated he became.

It's true that long-lasting marriage turns into more of an intimate companionship than a sexually passionate bond, but if it doesn't start out with some sort of sexual sizzle, you'll end up in conflict, because one person will need more than the other, and if your sexual interests aren't being met in that relationship, you're bound to run into temptation elsewhere.

Exactly, dream and eoe. Nobody wants to feel like they are being settled for.

Okay, okay, I get it.

I have been trying to force myself to be someone I'm not. The truth is that even though I feel such strong feelings of connection for her, a lot of the times when I am with her, I simply feel guilt and pity for her; for not being able to give her what I believe she deserves, and for how heartbroken she was the first time we parted ways.

I also thought that I might be able to focus on how great a person she is and how much she loves me, and that would somehow magically make me attracted to her. That is just insane, but I was really hoping it would work. I don't know why. Usually I'm a pretty rational person.

I've decided that I'm going to tell her how I feel, even though I am pretty sure this will be the end of our friendship. And that hurts me. A lot.

Anyway, thanks to all of you, for your excellent advice.

Good luck, kickycan. You clearly care for her and want to do the right thing... that's all good. Hope it works out and you can stay friends.

Kicky
I can't give you any advice that you haven't already gotten here, but I wish you both the very best.