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im trying to say sorry... tell me what you think

 
 
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 05:17 am
i wrote this to people i have hurt in the past please tell me what you think Smile thanks, doll
I have decided that I am going to forget about the bad things in life and just live it to the fullest,life is to short to be hating so if I have hurt you or said something mean or anything else i am saying sorry and I really truely am sorry.
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 06:12 am
@dancerdoll,
Well, you forgetting about the bad things in life and all is all well and good but I take it you're trying to get me (I'm going to place myself in the shoes of the person you're apologizing to for a moment, okay?) to do just that.

And I might not.

Also, the phrase "life's to(sic -- it should be too) short to be hating" seems like almost a command to me. That is, quit being mean already and accept my apology!

I'm sure you did not intend it that way, but that's how it's coming across to me. If I were mad at someone I would certainly not want them to be telling me what to do or telling me what fascinating things are happening with them.

Also you are tentative -- if you have hurt me. Well, have you, or haven't you? If it's come to the apology stage, you should know this by now. By not out and out acknowledging it, you take away some of the power of an apology, and it begins to sound like what politicians say. You are not taking blame, you are deflecting it.

I would say something more along the lines of:

I have hurt you and I really, truly am sorry.

I don't think you need the rest of it. Others may have different opinions. Hope this helps.
Intrepid
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 06:23 am
I agree with Jespah.

However, I would not write anything. I would speak to them face to face and be sincere.

If I have ever said or done anything to you that has harmed our relationship, in any way, I am truly sorry.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  3  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 06:32 am
@jespah,
I'd also say specifically what you are sorry for. Saying "if I have hurt you" basically says you don't know what you did wrong and are just issuing a general purpose, get out of jail free type apology. If you are really sorry, you should know what you are sorry about.
0 Replies
 
djjd62
 
  2  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 06:43 am
this is the way i approach these things

i get the feeling you think i did something to hurt you, if that's the way you feel you're a sorry individual

i've found it helps to leave quickly while they're still trying to figure out what you've said
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 06:55 am
@djjd62,
vintage
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 08:27 am
@dancerdoll,
dancerdoll wrote:

i wrote this to people i have hurt in the past please tell me what you think Smile thanks, doll
I have decided that I am going to forget about the bad things in life and just live it to the fullest,life is to short to be hating so if I have hurt you or said something mean or anything else i am saying sorry and I really truely am sorry.


I agree with the others here.
You've made this statement all about yourself, which in itself can hurt someone (it would me)
So, you decided to forget all the bad things in life?
This sounds like you expect me to do the same, and forget the harm you've done me.

Also, I've always had a problem with the phrase "if" I have hurt you...

That comes across as a chickenshit way out. To me that reads "well, I don't really think I've hurt you, but if you think I have, then I'm sorry" Maybe you don't mean it that way, but that's how I'd take it.

Kinda like when someone says "I'm sorry you feel that way" No you don't. That just a nice way to say you don't agree with me.

You know if you've hurt someone. IMO, it's better to say "I've hurt you. I'm sorry for the anger and hurt I've caused you. What can I do to make up for it?"

Sounds like your doing a 5th step dancerdoll. If you are, and even if you're not, you must keep in mind this is about the other person, not yourself.

Also remember, they are not obliged to accept your apology. That's for you to deal with if they don't
Then again, if they don't accept you apology, you seemed determined to forget all about it and live life to the fullest.

You "forgot" you caused someone trouble or pain?
Intrepid
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 08:48 am
@chai2,
In some cases, you may think that you hurt someone because that is how you, yourself, would take it. It may not be known whether the other person was truly hurt or offended.

In that case, I would think that the offer of an apology with if would acknowledge that you think an apology is due and will let the other person know that you perceived yourself to be in the wrong and want to right it. Even if they didn't perceive anything to be wrong.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 09:25 am
Hmm you can go with

I think I may have hurt you. I am so sorry.

That could cover that particular scenario.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 11:35 am
Intrepid and jes,

I go with that approach when it's more of a slight, and addressed rather quickly after the event.

dancerdoll hasn't come back to verify, so I could be wrong, but since she said she is writing this to people (plural) she has hurt (she's acknowledging there was hurt caused) in the past. It feels like some kind of making amends thing.

If the people were local, she can talk to them face to face, where there is an interchange, and there's less chance of misunderstanding.

If these are people that she hurt in the past, perhaps some or all of them are are not near her. If she chooses to write, she needs to make sure she gets the wording right.

dancerdool is saying she has done things that have hurt. So I have to assume that people were hurt.

I'd rather err on the side of saying "I hurt you, I'm sorry, how can I make it up?" rather than "I think I hurt you, if I did, I'm sorry"

In the 2nd version, where is the making it right? It's just words, and not commited words either.

If I was the recepient of the first way, I would have the option of saying any number of things. I can say "really? you didn't hurt me. don't worry about it" and we could move on.
I could say "yes you did hurt me and you can make it up by (fill in the blank, it might be as simple as saying 'you can make it up by not doing that to anyone else again'), and we could move on.
I could say, "yes you hurt me, and I can't forgive you. There's nothing you can do to make it up" Well, that would be a hard thing to hear, but you expressed your willingness to make it right. A full hearted effort"

If I was the recepient of the 2nd way, there's more chance, hearing all these "if's" and "I think" that I would, to be polite, say "oh no, it's nothing. No one enjoys veryify to the other person they did something wrong. Now you're putting the onus on the offended (or potentially offended person) to have to say, "yes, you did wrong"
If I heard "I hurt you" I don't need to deny or verify. The person who did wrong was brave enough to just say it out.

If dancerdoll is on a journey where she's specfically connecting with particular people, I think she's got a pretty good idea that those people felt hurt.
Again though, where's the attempt to make things better?

Let's say I accidently killed someone's pet, and it was my fault.

If years later I approached that person, I'd like to be able to say. "I'm sorry I killed you pet, that caused you a lot of pain. In your name, I've been volunteering at the animal shelter, making sure other animals get a good home."

It just feels empty to say "I'm sorry I killed your dog, but I just want to forget it and move on with my life, you should do the same"

Looking at the thread title "I'm trying say sorry".....how about "I'm trying to SHOW I'm sorry."

action dancerdoll, action.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Fri 6 Aug, 2010 09:34 pm
. . IF I have hurt you?

Don't YOU know if you have or not?

An apology should be specific and sincere: "I am sorry I insulted your intelligence at the party the other night. I was being a smart ass and ridiculed you. I am sorry for what I said."

chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 09:54 am
@PUNKEY,
That's right punkey.

All this "if" stuff, is making it easier on the person apologizing.

The objective of apologizing is attempting to make it right for the other person, not yourself.

apologizing can be a fearful thing, and involves being brave, and accepting the consequences.

Not "I just want to forget about it"


and yeah, apologizing should be a difficult rather than easier thing to do.

If it's difficult, and you face it and do it anyway, you're more likely not to have to induce another situation where you have to go through that again.
0 Replies
 
dancerdoll
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 10:15 am
@jespah,
i wrote it like that because i posted on facebook for my family and friends ...i havent hurt them all so if i hurt you(every body can read yet i havent hurt them all) ..get it?
dancerdoll
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 10:19 am
@chai2,
thank you chai2
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 10:35 am
@dancerdoll,
dancerdoll wrote:

i wrote it like that because i posted on facebook for my family and friends ...i havent hurt them all so if i hurt you(every body can read yet i havent hurt them all) ..get it?


So, you think you can just get this out of the way in one fell swoop?
Through a facebook entry?

Naw.....that's not right.

In fact, it's actually insulting.

Do what needs to be done. This is important stuff.

dancerdoll
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 11:33 am
@chai2,
Ok people I named this topic wrong I shouldn't have wrote I'm trying to says sorry . On facebook I was telling people I turning my life around not just to say sorry! Of course I'm going to talk to them individually I'm not that heartless ... And my status spoke to a lot of people they all told me that my status is the way to be thinking, I was kinda telling people I'm going to be a better person ... So sorry if you didn't like how I worded it but my aunt in arizona that I never talk to gave me advise because of tha post and that means a lot to me
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 12:04 pm
How about:

Dear friends; I've decided to change my life and live the way I want to. If that is not OK with you, then that's too bad. This is something I must do. I hope your feeelings don't get hurt, but this is something I just have to do.

You don't need to apolgize for living your life the way you want to UNLESS it hurts others in a way that threatens their life or financially.

Good luck.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 12:23 pm
@dancerdoll,
dancerdoll wrote:

So sorry if you didn't like how I worded it but my aunt in arizona that I never talk to gave me advise because of tha post and that means a lot to me


Why are you now saying you're sorry to us?

So, the thread title should have been "Letting people know I'm changing my ways"?

Is that more it?

If that's the case, all you need to say is "I'm changing my ways, wish me luck."
dancerdoll
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 04:13 pm
@PUNKEY,
thank you Smile
0 Replies
 
dancerdoll
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 04:14 pm
@chai2,
yep guess i wasn't thinking
 

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