Jespah, Did I forget to mention that he got promoted so we ended up relocating from Tx to Sc, thats right not even the distance is enough and no he didn't have her acount and he never did he wasn't incharge of the security systems for that company he was A network adm, his co worker was, but I still let it slide. when I found out they still talked, when we got hear to SC. a year ago is when I found all that info from his palmpilot Thats when the **** hit the fan, I had had enough. and besides she doesn't work for that company anymore she started having kids.
And yes Grottomaster I know what your saying I kind of think it could be a possibility I mean I don't call my ex If I did and when I did think about doing it it was with interest in mind :wink: But I never did call, just though while I was feeling lonely.
Enyways its been 3 days that I have been mad at him, last night he came home asking me if I had called the Babysitter (we do the christmas dinner on friday with his IT department) I said no that my laptop kept crashing on me but to log on to his laptop the one fromwork he can log on to his work e-mail wish I don't have access to just his charter acount wish nobody writes to him their, ( but he does have all my pesonal passwords to my E-mail, that changed last night) enyways he logs on and gives me the number no letting me get near his laptop so I ask him let me see your mail, He has a friend that always sends him jokes and such. and he got rigid and took the laptop away from me and just plainly said no you can't go threw my mail , so I told him "you know if you had nothing to hide you have nothing to fear" so I walked away and went to bed @7:30pm.. I know that if he would have let me I would have found allot of stuff about her I just know it
and that is what get me sad, depressed with a knot in my throat ready to cry any minute ...
And about leaving the guy, well that guy is the father of my two children wish he is a good father to, that guy is my best friend, confidant and good husband exept this one problem and a good lover when he wants to be. but thats another sexually fustrating problem for me, lets no go their yet :wink:
The only problem I have with him is him not letting her go and me not knowing how to feel or what to do about it .. I know its not fair for me to choose who his friends should be, but after all she put me threw I would figure he would choose my side, but he dint
what should I do
hellokitty
Nice to meet you! Even in these unhappy circumstances for you.
I wish I had some answers for you, or something new to offer, but I can't really add much to what Jespah & others have already said.
Just try to look after yourself through this ... & good luck!
hellokitty, we can't tell you what to do, only suggest. No, you can't choose his friends, however, his friendship happens to be affecting your marriage. You need to make the decision, and ask yourself a few questions. 1) Why did you marry him? 2) Is he being honest with you?
3) Can you tolerate his demeaning attitude toward you by not ending the relationship with his x ? 4) Are you being honest with yourself?
(Personally, I'd shove the laptop up his kazoo. (but that's just me)
You say he's your best friend and confidante. Best friends don't deliberately cause hurt and pain, especially since you've told him how his relationship with the x affects you and your relationship with him.
I wouldn't let my husband go through my email either. Getting angry about lack of trust goes both ways.
So, you think his email is full of stuff from her and you stormed off and went to bed at 7:30. However, you won't confront her and you won't leave him and he's not going to stop being friends with her anytime soon.
It seems to me like you are going to remain in the position you're in. Unless, of course, after all the fighting and distrust and stewing and stomping off - he leaves you. The only other option here is to turn the other cheek and forget about her.
hellokiity, I feel for you, but nobody has a right to go through anyone else's personal e-mails. I would cool the jealousy thing too. I'm married and have ex-girlfriends who are just friends now, and it's no big deal. They're just good people, and they hang out with my wife and I frequently. I think you need to forget about her, and concentrate on your marriage in a more positive way. You never know, as Jespah wisely said, you do catch more flies with honey.
As for the talk of your weight, from what I can tell, you are probably hot. He needs to be told a couple of things: Get over the momma's boy complex. Mom doesn't approve of you, that's the problem. Mom still wants him to have a more 'proper' match. He needs to be a man. He needs to be firm with mom that he married you, and that is his decision, and he's sticking to it. However, harrassing him about his friendship with the ex will NOT help. My guess is that continuing on as you are will make him feel completely torn between mom, wife and ex, not a pretty situation. Be the strong one for a bit here, and I'm sure things will work out. He's weak at the moment, and probably needs more support than jealousy and anger right now. Do tell him to get over mom though.
Okay, so she's in Texas and you're in SC? I'm trying to understand here. If she's that far away, well, not too put too fine a point on it, but how bad can it be? If I called an ex on the other side of the country, it would be a problem, sure, if it was all lovey and stuff, but the bottom line is, the real problem would come if I took a plane trip to see said ex. But if the ex is hundreds of miles away ...?
Anyway, if I'm misunderstanding you, let me know.
So, you have 2 kids and you are having trouble confronting him about this problem. If you continue to bottle up these feelings, all that will happen is it'll eat away at you. And that stinks - you're mad at him, but you're the one being punished. If you want to change that, you'll need to tell him how you feel. And yeah, there might be a fight about it, but it'll beat the hell out of sitting and stewing. Getting your feelings out in the open is a good thing.
And, you said earlier that you are jealous of this woman, that she has more education than you. How old are the kids? Is it possible for you to take a class, possibly at night? Or maybe you could go during the day if the kids are at school or day care. You'll need his cooperation - it's not easy to take classes, take care of a home and 2 kids. It can be very tiring, so you'd need for him to help with preparing food, making sure the laundry's done, etc., but that is an option. It won't solve all of your problems, but you'll feel better about yourself if you feel you are doing something to improve yourself. And, your husband will have something to do with his time, rather than calling and emailing his ex.
My husband and I don't share emails but we also don't keep them from one another. If I'm opening email (and I also get A2k email), and he's there, I just read it. I don't cover it up. If he wants to read over my shoulder, he does. Big deal. If it's a purely confidential email, I'll tell him, but that's pretty rare. I think most people know that, unless it's for some sort of a surprise for him, I'll share the info with him.
The same is true in reverse. He picks up email at work and at home, sometimes late at night if he's not sleeping. But he isn't keeping it from me or anything like that. If I walk into this room while he's reading email, he just keeps reading it. Over half of it is joke lists anyway.
So I'd say, you shouldn't be snooping into his emails, but at the same time he shouldn't be hiding them from you. Unless it's some sort of a surprise for you (birthday party, Christmas present, that sort of thing), he shouldn't care if you see over his shoulder while he's reading from his laptop. But, at the same time, I also think he shouldn't feel the need to give you all of his passwords - and the same should be true from your end.
Thanks for taking an intrest in my problem, I think I just need time for myself with out him, I just cant bare to be near him, read his mails yesterday, he said he had nothing to hide. Mostly talk of the kids and of him telling her his problems, something he doesn't do with me that hurt. When I said he was my bestfriend I guess it was only on my part. She asked what he meant about me being jeoules, he cut out that email:( so I dont know what he told her. the rest was call me or Ill call you, etc. The funny thing is that he is always to buissy to call me much less answer my e-mails..sight
I told him I had to live with him but that at the time I needed my space, have to get over tha lack of trust, and figure out if I want to be 2nd in his life...
sorry about the spelling and run on sentences, baby on one arm tryin to type, lol
hellokitty, just a thought...please take some time to realize your role in this situation, and how it is affecting his desire to not want him to be with you. If you want this marriage to work, don't let yourself be the one to break this up. You are jealous, and he doesn't like it, most likely because there is no reason for it, unless you continue to make it a problem. Get over your jealousy, and he might become friendlier. From what you have said regarding the e-mails you hunted through, your jealousy may just be misplaced, and continuing on with it is exacerbating the situation. Don't expect him to give you the respect you want if he feels persecuted.
I don't want to sound harsh, just giving a man's perspective.
Good luck, hellokitty. You'll work it out.
Cavfancier, I know your right but the damage has been done I wrote a long mean letter to him this morning, stating that I know longer trust him etc. I can't turn back time, its just how I felt and I needed him to know and in some evil way I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me..Im like that very sentimental and explosive, in the good and in the bad. Can't help its just who I am.
Jespad to answer your question I have a 4 year old and a 6 month old, both boys
day care here is very expensive thats why we chose for me to stay at home. Their is no pre-k programs that are not over booked we just bought a house we move in on the 15th and all the positions are fulled
I have one year of University under my belt but I got pregnat with my baby with an IUD on
(We where already thinking about taking it out for baby #2) so instead of paying for the second year we saved for the hospital bills and all that (alot of money even with Ins). But as soon as we settle in I don't know how Im gonna do it but Im going back to school even if I have to sell his soul to the devil. lol (just kidding) :wink:
Thanks Stradee, I hope so too.
Okay, sounds like school's out, for now. And it's a lot of work to care for 2 preschoolers, of course. Is fatigue possibly making you a bit shorter tempered? I know I am when I'm exhausted - I don't want to hear anything about anything, and I do snap if I'm beat and then that last straw is put on the camel's back. So that might be a part of this; things may just look worse because you're tired. I'm not saying there are no problems, but being tired is a mighty strong magnifier.
I must be very well-trained....
hellokitty, I think this is a workable thing...yes, there's a lot of pressue on you both, but meet halfway. Just take some time to breathe, and bring up your concerns in a calm way, that is, discuss, don't argue. Believe me, Mrs. cav and I have been through this, so I know the value of that from personal experience.
I had a dear friend who always said to me "girl I love you but your like a volcano , you blow things out of proportion" lol I guess he was right.
Jespad Im tired and TOM is on his way anyday soon.
Maybe your right, but the damage has been done.
hellokitty, a good piece of advice here, for free: There is no such thing as a problem that does not have a solution, as long as you are willing to accept the task.
Another piece of gratuitous advice is - there is no such thing as 'the right decision' - it's how you handle the decision that counts.
Hellokitty, I found, when dealing with issues that seemingly have no solutions (and of course they do, eventually) is seeing the problem as an opportunity for learning something positive. Your husband may surprise you - as men often do in most extraordinary ways.
