ex girlfriend driving me nuts

I'll be back with a respose later.

*Bookmark*

Me too..

Yep, please tell us more, it's difficult at this point to give advice.

hellokitty--

You are obviously in great pain which makes objectivity difficult. Which would you say bothers you more--the Not Really ExGirlfriend or the fact that you cannot trust your husband?

I would also like more info, but the thing that strikes me is: he chose you. For whatever reason, and however he may think of it now - he chose you and not her. And she moved on, at least a bit, in the sense that she has married someone else and had a child with them.

So, why not turn the tables? I know it's not easy to do this, but why not embrace her in your life? Yeah, I know that sounds kind of masochistic, but hear me out. When people do something that they think might be wrong, a lot of them subconsciously want to be punished for it. It's forbidden to have contact with her, so he has contact with her, and then he's caught, and then you punish him by getting angry with him. But if you bit your tongue and decided not to say anything, the forbidden (and thereby) exciting aspect of this would go away. And, you'd show yourself as the better woman - trusting, tolerant, friendly, kind. Right now, she's actually in a better position, because he gets to say to himself, well, my ex was nice enough to try to reach out to my wife, but my wife was nasty and rebuffed her.

So right now the ex has the upper hand - she looks kinder to him and he gets a pleasurable jolt out of doing something that's not allowed. Allow it and pretend to like her and include her in whatever. The forbidden pleasure aspect of it will go away, and you'll come out looking like the kind, gentle and loving wife. If you don't, you may find yourself on this same merry-go-round year in, year out - he does the bad thing, you get angry, and he does it again anyway. I'm not saying that this is perfect advice (and of course I don't have all the facts at my disposal), but it is a different way of dealing with this issue.

I think you are not correctly identifying the problem. She has not made your life a living hell. Your husband has. Options:

1. Things continue how they are. Your husband's ex won't go away and he won't ask her to. You continue to be lied to and disrespected by your husband.

2. Try to get her to go away by approaching her - don't mince words - tell her you can't stand her and to get the hell out of your life. Caution - your husband may see you as the bad guy. It seems he already does this.

3. Approach your husband with the old "her or me" ultimatum and have him tell her to get the hell out of both your lives. Unless your not sure that he'll pick you over her or that he comes right out and refuses. If this is the case, just divorce him.

Hmm...

I've been in the ex-girlfriend role, so while what everyone else says makes a lot of sense, I have some caveats. I have lost one good friend because his wife was paranoid. We had NOTHING going on, no intentions, we're both married, but we've known each other a long time and are friends. All three of us (me, friend, friend's wife) went to the same high school, everyone thought he and I would wind up together, she was a witness to that herself, (though they became romantically involved and then married several years after graduation) she didn't want us to have any contact, at all.

This just made him angry. I respect her wishes, he respects her wishes, I'm "permitted" to send little general "How are you?" type emails, she reads the emails from me, she reads the emails he sends to me, there is a ton of bad feeling. The crux of it is, there's NO reason for it. Something happening between us is utterly and completely out of the question.

So, I can just see this going either way. A real little frisson of attraction and danger and ooh, not permitted and your husband being a jerk, OR misplaced paranoia and your husband being subjected to unfair restrictions on who he can associate with. I'm not sure how to best figure out which it is, but if it's the latter, I think it's healthiest for YOUR marriage to just get over it.

To change perspectives again, my husband is seeing an old girlfriend today, his Big Huge Relationship he was recovering from when we first met and who he hasn't seen in over a decade. I don't like this much, but I trust him, and I deal.

Edit: I just re-read and saw the made your life a living hell part. If she definitely objectively has bad intentions -- not just made your life a living hell because she wanted to remain friends with your husband and you were jealous -- that changes things.

Where's the caveat? I'm here. Still waiting for more info on the 'living hell' issue.

Overbroad use of "everyone", my apologies.

caution you guys this is looooong
Hey you all thanks for posting so quick It really helps to know that i've joined a caring forum I have been trying to post since this morning but my laptop kept crashing on me, must be a bug or something. arghhh

Ok Jespeh like you my mom gave me the same advise but Its hard to listen to her when all she does is give him the reason and always make exuses for him.
And Sugar we totally think alike my friend but I am sad to say I would never have the guts to call her and let her know that she has succeeded in bothering me hayayai, what to do what to do...

But to better understand me here goes part of the story, like I said its long, I sometimes think that it would make a hell of a soap,lol

My dh and I met when he was 24 me 19 and the ex 27, they have a long history together dating back from the last year of highschool that they dated and went to prom together broke up she started dating his best friend and got back together 2 years before graduating from college so the both majored in Systems engineering and graduated together So to the point where theirs all thoes pictures of them and to top it of his parents dint even know they ever broke up so they kind of assume they where always together. Eny ways when I met them they where on year 4 dating and from gossip and some facts that he shared with me is that she was already pressuring him to get married, and he was kind of making alsorts of exuses. December 1 thats when I first start working in this big Company as a Bilingual receptionist and they both work for the It department her on the second shift so I would see her when she came in @2:30pm. When I first saw him it was like dang who is that? and that my friends is when I found out he had a girlfriend so I let it all drop< he would come in in the morning and just say a brief greeting and would go to his office but thats basically all the contact we had until Dec the 18 when we both went to a same party him with out his girlfriend, they would always fight and break up that was sort of their relationship, of and on of and on. (ieee Drama drama drama)lol So he hit on me and of course I declined mostly because I believe that what you do to others comes back and slaps you on the face. So we became very good friends you the kind that you want something more but you cant have. So When he finally broke up with her she whent ballistic did a 360 degree change cut her hair dyed it put highlights put on color contacts and started dressing like me if i where shortskirts :wink: she wore micro minis,. But at that point I was like I really like him but if goes with her maybe thats all they needed a little break and a little change to spark things up again but even thou she flirted with him and did everything she could to get him back he still chose me But thats not where my problems started it all goes back to gossip and comments that really hurt me and got me thinking and evaluating my self worth, like her mom calling his mom to tell him that he had sunk so low as to date a receptionist and all that **** at the time I got depressed, But then a friend was like what the **** how can that old hag compete a 27 year old with a 19 year old besides your of to ASU next year and Im like yeah your right. That seemed to help my self esteem for a while, but the she started doing stuff to me like making up gossip obout me crashing my office computer and getting all their friends against me saying I stole him from her and she was a victim you know what I mean they turn their backs on my DH also so it was hard on him to, and when I would complain about her and he would ask me about gossip she would tell him about me I would get mad and he would defend her saying "well you shes just saying what they told her, or it wasn't her that crashed your pc it must have been something else and stuff like that just plain defend her all the time. And also she is 5'5 and skinny with no body but skinny like say115lbd and I was 5'3 126 lbs with might I say a good butty pre Jlo :wink: not to be conceded but pretty good looking, and he would still make me feel fat like saying things to me like " you really need to start going on walks or should you be eating that and I would be like thinking are you comparing me with your ex or and jwhat... and just stuff like that and that is what got me and had me down. you know him thinking the best of her.Sometime I wonder if he thinks shes so wonderful why the hell did he marry me? You know whe she did start getting to him he tried to break up with me saying he needed time to think , but of course thanks to the advise of my mom I told him that he was old enough to know what he wanted and that if we broke up their was gonna be no chance for us to get back together and that I was not willing to play his games of breaking up and getting back together any time he felt unsure and that I would give him 2 days to think about it..I totally ignored him the first day but the boy din't last he was begging me alday to take his calls and was @ my house in the afternoon. Hay drama drama drama...But their still more..
Well like I said its long but only the beginning of the story if you guys are still interested all tell the rest
And like I said I have traumas and you really need to know the full story to understand why I feel like she is better than me and she will always have him, sometimes I hate her and sometimes I admire her like a big sister but thats another story I guess part 3. lol

hellokitty--

We can't help you change the past. None of us have access to a time machine. How can we help you Right Now?

hellokitty ~ welcome to a2k.

May I make a suggestion? When the girl's name is mentioned, nod, and walk away. If there's no audience, the drama's over.

PS 27 ain't old. :-D

Now, you say your husband is criticizing you, telling you to lose weight even though you apparently don't need to, and his parents liked her very much. Am I getting you so far? And, he thinks of her like his big sister.

Well, most men aren't interested in dating their sisters so there's hope there, assuming he's telling the truth and that it's totally platonic. But we still have his folks liking her and him finding fault with you where there is none. So, right now (hey, maybe I am your mother! Uh, no I'm not. I'm a 41-yr-old from Boston) not only is this going on but your husband can compare your rather reasonable anger and concern to his ex's "calm acceptance and attempt to reach out to you". Whether that's really happening or not ain't the issue; the issue is that that's the perception. But you can change that.

There's an old expression - you get more flies with honey than with vinegar. I'm not a fan of subsuming feelings but I think in this case it might be a good idea, at least for a while, to see how it goes. After all, like Stradee said, there can be no drama if you ignore what's going on. It's hard to ignore what's happening but you will defuse the situation if you make it appear that it doesn't bother you. Going out tonight? Oh, okay, dear. And guess what, so am I. or Calling her again? Cool; I'm off to visit my friend Dave.

You need not work to make him jealous (a game I've never found to be worthwhile), but you can make it that you aren't a victim. By the way, she's not better than you. Don't ever forget that. :-D

Thanks Noddy24 but like I said Im telling you my story in parts so you could better understand my situation, I know their is no time machine but sometimes even if we get over the past some times it still comes back and hurt you even if you thought you where over it.
Stradee you know what the sad part is that he doesn't talk about her she sort of comes up and Im the one that asks him about her, I know I know what a Masoquist..

The thing is That Before we where Married She went so far as to try to stop my wedding... The Churches Secretary, one of her best friends tried to deny us the date that we where booking even thou we where booking it 5 months in advance, she went so far as to say our date was not available on the day that the priest was gona confess us and our witnesses saying, she forgot to book the date and know that day was full, well good thing the priest decided to marry us on that date but on a different hour .. And when she was gonna get married she called pesonally to tell him that she had found the love of her life and send him email pictures and all that, and the fact that.. Im just venting so let me get to the root of the problem,. After we where married He started working for another company and her husband got her a job at the company he was working at Hi tech wih had a contract with My husbands company and so they started talking and he told me that he was working with her.. ok fine they had to work together so I would totally understand months later when I found in his Palmpilot that he had her personal e-mail and her work number, but what I dint understand is why the hell did he have her home number and her cell number if it was just work related, thats when I asked him to pls cut contact with her if it was hurting our relationship and that their are some friendships just not worth having if the are hurting your personal life. So we got in a big argument and since I copied her infor for my future references I asked him Ok fine maybe Im the wrong one here maybe I am acting like the bitchy wife but what if I call her husband tell him whats going on and if he agrees with you guys and he is ok with you guys being friends, well then that would be 3 against me and I will just let you guys be.. ANd you know what he said " no no don't do that why would you want to cause problems with her husband and yada yada yada, and Im like thinkin mofo" So I tell him "she can cause problems for you and its ok for you to diss me but I can't cause problems for her, so basically her husband doesn't know they are friend.. And that people is what pisses me off That and much much more . After him telling me that they cut contact and just findint out that they still keep in touch and the lies, thats what hurts, feeling like second best.
So yeah he chose me, he married me, but I just don't know if he has enough to make me happy..
am I overacting ? what do you guys think if you where in my shoes.

Dang Jespah, are you sure your not my mother if not then I know where you double in thinking is.

And no its not my husband that looks up to her as a big sis it was me who made that comment.
You see in a very twisted way she had everything I wanted to be and achieve, a career, good friends and I guess thats it . I admired her for her acomplishments and for the friends she could keep.
I always had two face friends that wanted my boyfriends or backedstabed me. and well I dint go to ASU I got married and had a baby and that pushed my plans back a bit, so even if she doesn't have a better life that me somehow in my tiny little head I still think she does and I feel like My husband sometimes wish he had married her instead..

Its all in my head, Told you guys I needed help.. Shrink here I come

The apparent lying is what bothers me. Really, more than anything else. Jealousy, well, yeah, it's a pain, but the bottom line is, he said he wouldn't contact her and he has. So I think you need to ask yourself if his unreliability in this area is possibly proof of other unreliability. Is it just when it comes to her, or have there been other incidents?

They work in the same field, and I take it you don't. And (you don't need to tell me where you live), the area is apparently small enough for them to end up working together, even after changing jobs. Times are difficult; it's hard to quit a job and find another, so that's not an option. Is there possibly (bear with me here) any sort of reason why they should be in personal contact, for work? At my last job, everyone on the team had each other's home phone number, and pager or cel number if applicable. This was so we could cover for each other in case there was some sort of an emergency.

So, before he's condemned for having her home number, find out if there's a legit reason for his having it. Maybe there is. And if there is, then it doesn't mean there aren't other problems, but at least you can let that one go. And if there isn't a reason for him to have her number, other than for personal contact, then just consider it another piece of information, for you to do with as you will.

hellokitty, you may have answered your own question, hon.

..."he chose me, he married me, but I don't know if he has enough to make me happy"...

PS I don't have a sister. Or do I?????

Ah, it's my niece hellokitty! LOL Anyway, I've gotta run for the day.

hellokitty, this is an old story and one to which I have the answer. Do you know why guys do this? It's called "not burning bridges just in case..."
He is not devoted to you or he would have gotten rid of her permanently a long time ago. He is quite aware that this ongoing situation causes you stress and he's not willing to set you at ease because HE might want to back and dip his wick someday.
You need to get him straight on this at once. That bytch has got to be out of the picture. She's doing the same thing as he is so her intentions stink too.
I wouldn't be afraid of losing a guy that this one if I were you. I'd say good riddance unless he begins showing you a little respect and devotion.
All touchy-feely solutions will not put and end to your stress and that is what this problem is all about isn't it?
And all this coming from a guy who knows 'cause I used to play this game.