9
   

I hate my MIL

 
 
Phoenix32890
 
  3  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 07:28 am
@Falling,
The point is, you are marrying your fiance, not your MIL. You need to know now, from the getgo, how your fiance feels about this, and what he wants to do about it. How he reacts will give you a good idea about what your marriage will be like. If he kowtows to his mother now, it will not change after you are married.

I have known a number of people where one of the couple was controlled by his/her parents, and believe me, it was no fun. The two of you are adults, and what you both want is what is important., even if it means changing your wedding plans to one which you both want.

My first husband was a "mamma's boy", and needless to say, I dumped him after four miserable years.
0 Replies
 
plainoldme
 
  3  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 09:45 am
I am sorry that your MIL is attempting to wield so much power which explains why your FIL's family dislikes her.

I agree with what Phoenix wrote.

When I married, I ran most of the wedding. My parents surprised me by paying for my dress (an $80 evening gown), although my ex and I paid for everything else but the rehearsal dinner, which his parents paid for. My MIL had a few requests but I listened to them then did what I wanted to do. The entire event cost less than $1,000 in 1975.

The wedding is about the couple. You surely must have your own vision of your wedding. Hang on to it!
0 Replies
 
ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 09:50 am
Quote:
The wedding is about the couple...


Slightly unrelated, but anyone who has actually been part of a wedding knows that this is not true.
Mom in Texas
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 09:59 am
If your MIL is footing the bill she sure will act as if it is her day, fair or not. She figures I am paying this, it's MY party. If she is an overbearing woman you will have to deal with this your entire life. Just wait until you have her grandchildren. I hope for your sake you live FAR from this woman.

I speak as a DIL of an overbearing MIL. =D
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 11:08 am
@Mom in Texas,
or 'don't' have her grandchildren, lol. "Are you pregnant yet??"

Ugh, I couldn't stand the situation you're in, but then, I'm hard to mow over myself. I didn't involve myself in the least in my daughter's wedding. She had it in Mexico, so other than showing up and giving her money and a gift, I did nada. And I'll be the same if and when my son ever gets married.

And ehBeth is totally right about the $$ and decisions... it's not fair, but it's sort of a trade off. If you don't want her interfering, pay for it yourselves.

But the more important issue, as Phoenix pointed out, is is this going to be the way it is forever? Think twice before taking the leap! You're not just marrying her son, you're marrying her, as well, and nobody is likely good enough for him. She'll be bossing you around about everything!
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  3  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 05:54 pm
My former MIL (aka Satan in a Skirt) was the stealth controller in things - rather than the loud, brash type. Much more insideous... I think it's a very sweet thing for a woman to do for her husband - to put up with a bit of this tripe (as long as he does the same for her); however, when she seems to be commandeering your wedding, you really should sit down with your fiance and tell him how you feel. It's a really difficult spot for an adult child to have to confront a parent on behalf of their new spouse.

His reaction will probably tell you a great deal about how the marriage will be - and where his primary allegience is. At least you can forewarn him that you will be cordial with her, but you plan to stop her when she encroaches too far in to your territory. He should back you up - but make sure you behave in a way that he CAN back you up without cringing.

MIL: This place setting is the one we need.
You: It's nice, but I prefer this one.
MIL: (Any negative comment arguing her point)
You: (make and hold eye contact until you have her attention...with a small smile, but firm voice) Thank you for your input, but this is the one.

and move on.

She may try to wear you down, to which you reply that your decision has been made. Excuse yourself with a headache if she persists.

If there IS anything you don't care much about - and can give her ANY choices at all - it would be a kindness to her and to your fiance.

If she throws a nutbar conniption fit - tell her you think the two of you should have a discussion about the wedding, and tell her simply that most women get one chance to plan their wedding - and this is your one chance. The decisions are important to you - and while you may ask her advice on a few things and appreciate her input, it is important to you to plan your day.

I feel for you, sweetheart. It is inconcionable that anyone would try to take a wedding from the bride - but it happens all the time.
Lash
 
  3  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 05:55 pm
Oh hell. She's paying for it?! Nevermind...
0 Replies
 
talk72000
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 06:07 pm
@Falling,
It is a matter of perspective just add F to MIL and you get MILF.
0 Replies
 
Mom in Texas
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Jul, 2010 08:09 pm
@Lash,
LMAO! Loved the Satan in a skirt!

0 Replies
 
Cycloptichorn
 
  2  
Reply Thu 22 Jul, 2010 09:48 am
@ebrown p,
ebrown p wrote:

Quote:
The wedding is about the couple...


Slightly unrelated, but anyone who has actually been part of a wedding knows that this is not true.



My wedding was about us. We made all the decisions and both mothers just enjoyed themselves.

Just gotta let them know who is boss, is all...

Cycloptichorn
0 Replies
 
Intrepid
 
  2  
Reply Thu 22 Jul, 2010 09:54 am
We paid for our own wedding. Nobody presumed to have a say and everybody was happy to enjoy without being out of pocket. Smile

Actually, I paid for both weddings. Wink
0 Replies
 
Falling
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 10:07 am
We are paying 100% of the bill. His parents offered us help, but I told my Fiance to kindly say no. The main reason why I turned down the help was because I do not want his mom to feel like we are obligated to do anything. It is our wedding, our money, so we will spend it as we wish. I just didn’t expect her to be as bad as she is.

When MIL and FIL got married many years ago, they didn’t get to plan their wedding. FIL family basically planned everything, invited the people, paid the bill, and all they did was show up. Maybe MIL really wanted to plan a wedding. Well, sorry, not mine! She doesn’t have any daughters, so her only chance would be the wife of the other two sons, I really doubt any girl would let their MIL plan the wedding. Or, the nieces…or renew their vows…

She is one of those people that like to compare. She compares the cousins, the brothers…I can see her comparing my kids and the other kids that she knows of…The next chance I get, I am moving away from her. We live way too close now that she can come as she wishes.
Intrepid
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 10:12 am
@Falling,
Simple answer. You are paying for it. She has to butt out. You shouldn't have to explain this to her. Her son should do it. After all, he is marrying you, not her. Good luck.

Maybe she should get a job as a wedding planner. Smile
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 11:11 am
@Falling,
Stick to your guns or she'll be running everything else in your life, trust me. You sound strong enough to take care of it in a nice but firm way, Falling, without causing a lot of family grief. But if there is fallout, so what? I learned a long time ago not to do anything I didn't want to do and I love living that way. No thanks. You only get one life and you need to live it your way; let other people deal with their own ****, right?
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 11:22 am
@Falling,
Falling wrote:

When MIL and FIL got married many years ago, they didn’t get to plan their wedding. FIL family basically planned everything, invited the people, paid the bill, and all they did was show up. ...

I really doubt any girl would let their MIL plan the wedding.


Sounds like she did just that!

How does your fiance feel about all of this? When you say, "We are paying 100% of the bill", then I assume he has some input into this too.
0 Replies
 
Falling
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 07:56 pm
Fiance is paying majority of the bill of course. But by him saving, that means I am spending.

He is frustrated, I can imagine.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 08:06 pm
@Falling,
Falling wrote:
When MIL and FIL got married many years ago, they didn’t get to plan their wedding. FIL family basically planned everything, invited the people, paid the bill, and all they did was show up. Maybe MIL really wanted to plan a wedding.

…or renew their vows…



you might have an idea in here on how to distract her from your wedding

all of those great ideas she's got for your wedding - you can suggest that they'd be brilliant when she and her husband (hopefully she's married) renew their vows - get her thinking about her own plans


how is your fiance doing with keeping his mother at bay about his/your wedding plans?
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 08:08 pm
@Falling,
Falling wrote:
He is frustrated, I can imagine.


make sure you're talking to him about all of this

he's really in the roughest spot here

and while he has to deal with his mother, part of your job is to help him with his feelings about that
0 Replies
 
Butrflynet
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 08:44 pm
@Falling,
Quote:
When MIL and FIL got married many years ago, they didn’t get to plan their wedding. FIL family basically planned everything, invited the people, paid the bill, and all they did was show up. Maybe MIL really wanted to plan a wedding. Well, sorry, not mine! She doesn’t have any daughters, so her only chance would be the wife of the other two sons, I really doubt any girl would let their MIL plan the wedding. Or, the nieces…or renew their vows…


There is a solution in your words here, if you're willing to allow it.

You could decide on a portion of the whole wedding shebang to totally turn over to her to plan, organize and execute. Explain to her that you welcome her input and assistance in this portion of the wedding and that it would remove an enormous burden from you if she'd take it over so it will leave the rest of the wedding to you to plan, organize and execute.

It could be something like a bridal shower, the rehearsal dinner, or the wedding party's make-up and hair session the day of the wedding.
plainoldme
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Jul, 2010 09:20 pm
@ehBeth,
Brilliant idea, Beth.
 

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